Callum McCulloch: 10 Things I’ve Learnt This Week

Tales from an alcoholic first-year

Image: Harriet Cheshire

Image: Harriet Cheshire

1. January is the worst month for January to happen. Optimism may be in high supply, but with New Year’s resolutions that revolve around prohibiting fun, we never follow through, emitting empty and unfulfilling farts of inaction.

2. Don’t write essays while drunk. I presumed the creative juices would be flowing and I’d be done in no time. But instead, the words were dancing more than I was at Fibbers, and I wanted to throw up in Mrs Dalloway’s face.

3. Working full time over Christmas made me realise why I’m at University. And that is to hide from the real world of employment, a self-sustaining income and the cancerous disease that is responsibility.

4. I’m still waiting for the commercial hoverboard to be invented. In Back to the Future II, Marty McFly travels forward in time to the technological utopia that is 2015 offering false hope to all who take fictitious sci-fi films too seriously. Can I sue him?

5. An 18th month-old child is better dressed than me. Just when you thought Prince George’s life couldn’t get any better, he only bloody gets voted GQ’s 49th best dressed man of 2014. He doesn’t even dress himself!

6. The backwards cap is the universally acknowledged crown of confidence. I tried it out and it 100 percent didn’t go with my usual aesthetic of a dad trying to look cool when dropping his kids off at school.

7. I’m addicted to cold turkey. According to Buddy the Elf, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer / Is singing loud for all to hear.” But in my household we prefer to stuff our faces with leftovers, spitting food all over the place while singing to Michael Bublé. Now that’s Christmas cheer.

8. I’m too old to go clubbing. At the ripe old age of 20, I felt at least double this when surrounded by 16 and 17 year olds in a club back home. This may be a dream for some, but they hadn’t developed correct club etiquette. Namely, they seemed unaware that dancing like an epileptic on ecstasy is the norm, so stop laughing and taking photos of me trying to shuffle.

9. Starting the term with a food delivery is the best decision I’ve ever made. The fridge is now so full that I can’t find things. However, the stench of putrefying milk does put a downer on this somewhat.

10. I need to stop committing to things while drunk. In an ill-fated moment of rash, inebriated bravado, I agreed to run a marathon later this year. I should probably start training as the only running I do is to the catering block just before it closes.

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