A dirty addiction

Hes Hall, I think you need some rehab. Let’s face it, you just can’t kick that crazy habit of yours. Try as you might, and by golly I bet you try mighty hard, you just can’t seem to beat the habit. 

Say NO Brian! Turn it down Graham! Reject the impulse Sally! But no, they crave it, they desire it. This addiction runs deep.

Every time you think you can walk away, every time we think you can be big enough to turn it down, you go and get some more.

Imagine if every waking minute of every day you couldn’t stop thinking about arms shares. No feeling could ever match that buzz of knowing that your money was building bombs! Forget food. Forget sex. Forget even really exciting University fucking Senate meetings – nothing can ever compare to that. Some say that you can even smell the cordite and hear the explosions.

Hes Hall – you need our sympathy. We’ve tried to help you. We’ve waved banners, written awfully-strongly worded comment pieces – sod it, we’ve even ‘died’ in your corridors of power – but you just can’t help yourself.

To make it worse, you’re on the hard stuff as well. We’re not talking about recreational crap like GKN (though you do enjoy dabbling in that every now and again), oh no, you’re injecting that BAE shit into eyeballs, ankles – ANYWHERE with a pulse.

They say that once you start on BAE, there’s no going back. One hit and BANG, just like a Rapier missile hitting a primary school, you’re hooked. 

I can appreciate the buzz must be incredible, but how can you justify the side-effects? All those destroyed houses, fleeing refugees, sobbing mothers and ripped-apart families… That’s hardcore.

Wait! You’ve actually started increasing your dose! That’s mental! And now you’re mixing it up with that Rolls-Royce stuff? Crazy.  You should watch out though, I mean overdosing is so easy nowadays – you’ve got no idea what those guys cut that stuff with.

But, there is hope! Former junkies like Manchester and Leeds have kicked the habit. Apparently, they adopted these CRAZY ideas, like  ethical decision-making or some shit like that. No wait, they listened to students and behaved like a responsible educational establishment; that was it.

I’m sure it’s great. I’m sure it really is. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I pinch myself as hard as I can, just for kicks. But then I?guess I’m only hurting myself, not global peace and stability, so really I’m pretty lame compared to you.

You rock. Respect.

Nicky Woolf is away.