Sshh! How to give birth like a Scientologist

A couple of days before writing this, Katie Holmes gave birth to a baby girl, named Suri (apparently it’s Hebrew for ‘princess’, or something similarly pretentious).

I must say, I don’t think Suri Cruise is a brilliant name; it doesn’t really sound right, rather like Moses Martin, the other celebrity baby of the moment. Anyway, there’s been an immense fuss in the media about Ms Holmes’s labour: there were a load of rumours that, due to Scientology’s practice of silent birth, Tom Cruise had bought his fiancée a dummy, in order that the baby wouldn’t hear any screaming as she entered the world.

Cruise has stated that it’s all nonsense, and that Scientology has been grossly misrepresented. Good on him, I say; L. Ron Hubbard (tragically deceased), the founder of Scientology, sounds like just the kind of spiritual leader the world needs.

After all, his son stated in 1983 that his father was “only interested in money, sex, booze, and drugs” as well as revealing “99% of what my father ever wrote or said about himself is totally untrue.” Indeed, three years earlier, Hubbard was quoted in Reader’s Digest as saying, “If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” I’m not quite sure how comments like this can be misrepresented; but then, I’m just one of the uninitiated. You carry on bearing the torch of truth, Tom.