Blag your degree: No. 8, Applied Social Science – Crime

Apparently this degree teaches students about the way today’s society responds to crime. Well, I think I can inform you about this in a single column. It is quite simple really. The only reason Applied Social Science Crime exists is because of the increasing amount of attention paid to crime by the media and political debates. Given that crime is generally quite a bad thing, I thought this in itself would be a sufficient reason.

Regardless of that, studying crime in York is particularly fitting since York’s crime level is abnormally high, making places like Brixton seem like a McDonalds playpen covered in tomato sauce. Yes. In York, gangsters run the place red. Especially outside Toffs, where in one instance the kicking over of a dustbin (OK, it was a large one) led to eight squad cars arriving on the scene within a minute.

But when a group of (I like to assume) racially motivated chavs outside McDonalds kicked my car light in, claiming they could speak better English than me even though they were Northern, the mighty police took about 45 minutes to turn up. When they finally turned up, they threatened to arrest me on the basis that I referred to the chav in question as a “bastard”.

Take note fellow Crime students, when the police sense the possibility of trouble they take a fair amount of time to turn up. Therefore if you are applying your degree to reality and therefore commiting a crime yourselves, make sure it’s a particularly rowdy affair and you will get away with it. This also applies to drug dealing.

Moving on to how you can blag a Crime degree, there is no better way to learn but to take part and try it. Get involved. Next time you see a carefree student with an iPod Nano walking along Rape Alleyway, rob him. This will ensure you experience both the mindset of a criminal as well as the psychological trauma of the victim.

You cannot beat first-hand experience. Being a Peckham boy, I can thoroughly confirm that you cannot beat a criminal (there are usually more of them than you) so you have no choice other than to join them. This was seen earlier this evening with the riotous behaviour of several Goodrickers who, on refusing to leave Mqs in protest of impeding bar closures, decided to try and steal beer by using a stick to push down the bar taps. Take note fellow students, this is a fine technique for future reference.