York’s Roasters back on campus

Three York University Football ‘stars’ are on a plane back to England, after posting bail in Spain. The squad’s mid-season break has been left in turmoil after accusations of lurid sexual practices were brought against a three players.

The names of the specific people involved are protected by University authorities, who wish to avoid embarrassment, but a source within the squad has revealed the allegations to nouse. “We’d been at the hotel bar, like, and some of the lads had been playing a drinking game with their Bacardi breezers. We saw some girls outside and they were, like, making eyes at us but I don’t think nothing of it at the time. Know what I mean?” After a process of arduous translation our insider managed to convey that several drunken players forced their way into one of the girls rooms and revealed their genitalia.

Although no date has been set for the matter to go to court, it is believed that the prosecution case will rest on CCTV footage of the girl (Mary Smith, 9, from Essex) “laughing and making gestures with her little finger” days after the event.

The matter will come as a shock to club officials, who have declined to comment, as they still struggle to dispel memories of the now infamous tour of Eastern Europe in 2002, where two former members are still incarcerated for sex offences.