As far as geese go, I’d particularly like to thank organisers Adam Lewis, Matt Oliver, and Joe Harrison. Their efforts have been incredible in running the tournament so successfully and I doff my cap, curtsey, give them a serious – un-Dreamz-like – ‘bravo’ and offer a massive ‘thank you’ from all of us.

Congratulations are in order, too, for we have also come to the end of a pulsating Fantasy Football competition. Bukkake FC have topped the table with 239 Fantasy Points, providing manager Dan Cox with the ultimate double after Alcuin Firsts claimed the Cup in Monday night’s memorable final. In second, Chris Barnett’s Maximuscle X (230 Fantasy Points) followed closely behind, and James Loftus’ Loftites (237 Fantasy Points) just pipped Chris Clarke’s Racing CC (236 Fantasy Points) to come in third.

Well done all three – prizes are on their way.

As a final little bit of self-indulgence I’ve put together a few top teams using something I like to call Points Per Pound (PPP) to keep you entertained for the next fifteen minutes. Here we go:

Top college teams (from the quarter-finals onwards) by Points Per Pound (PPP):

1. Derwent Seconds; Team value: £34.3m; Total team Fantasy Points earned: 121 points; Points Per Pound: 3.53 PPP

2. James Firsts; £70m; 240 points; 3.43 PPP
3. Derwent Firsts; £74m; 251 points; 3.39 PPP
4. Alcuin Firsts; £78.5; 263 points; 3.35 PPP*
5. Halifax Firsts; £52.8m; 174 points; 3.30 PPP**
6. Vanbrugh Firsts; £77m; 241 points; 3.13 PPP
7. Alcuin Seconds; £39.3m 123 points; 3.13 PPP
8. Goodricke Firsts; £75.3m; 189 points; 2.51 PPP

*Alcuin’s totals include Ollie Webb (£1.4m; 6 points) who was drafted in for 2 games to replace the injured Jake Delaney.
**Halifax’s value excludes Joe Brennan and Simon Davidson who both did not play.

Before you start, I make no apologies for any dodgy calculations. Since a certain Mr. Gouland put me into the crowd in the final, my calculator hand has been a little unpredictable.

In all seriousness, though, the results are quite revealing. Despite winning the tournament and accumulating the most Fantasy Points, Alcuin does not top the Points Per Pound list. That has a lot to do with injured £8m man Jake Delaney who only made one appearance, but is a testament to the performance of other teams, too.

Derwent Seconds’ excellent run to the quarters is reflected in their superb 3.53 PPP – a winning effort. And dark- horses James Firsts are on a 3.43 PPP rating after being edged out by Vanbrugh in the semi-finals.

Most disappointing is Goodricke Firsts’ score of 2.51 PPP, but that can easily be attributed to the absence of most of their key players when they exited – also at the hands of Vanbrugh – in the quarter-final stage.

As far as players go, the list is as follows:

Top 3 Players by PPP
1. Parris Williams, Alcuin Firsts; £4.1m; 33 points; 8.05 PPP
2. Chris Milne, Wentworth Seconds; £1.9m; 14 points; 7.37 PPP
3. Thomas Gibby, Alcuin Seconds’ £3m; 22 points; 7.33 PPP

Bottom 3 (three or more appearances required)
1. Matt Witherwick, Vanbrugh Firsts; £7.4m; 6 points, 0.81 PPP
2. Sam Lewis, Goodricke Firsts; £4.7m; 6 points; 1.28 PPP
3. Thomas Wilson, Goodricke Firsts; £7.8m; 10 points; 1.28 PPP

The bottom three is perhaps a little unfair on the players it lists – especially the injured Matt Witherwick who pulled out of the tournament after three games – but hey-ho, that’s the crazy world of statistics for you.

At the top Parris Williams is clearly best value for money buy of the game and deservedly picked up Nouse Player of the Tournament as well.

Feel free to do your own PPPs (not a pun, definitely not a pun) – I honestly do value every one of you, but the passage of time, as we all know, waits for no man.

And with that, it’s over and out from me. It’s been a pleasure, a wonderful, all-engrossing trip, and I leave you all with the best of luck for the future… and one last thing: the College Cup has been what WE , all of us, have made it – go on, make next year’s even better.

YORK 31 LEEDS 24 – MARCH 18
In an exceptional season for the men’s rugby firsts, which brought promotion from BUCS League 2B, Mike Callis led by example on and off the pitch.
Placed in a challenging division, consisting of leading northern universities, the team generated an unbreakable winning mentality to sweep to the title. Highlights included an 105-0 romp against Huddersfield, during which 17 tries were scored and three players claimed hat-tricks, and a battling 8-6 away win against Leeds, their main promotion challengers. Callis’s on-field influence ensured that York held their nerve in a thrilling divisional play-off against the University of Central Lancaster, which had gone into extra time, and secured a deserved promotion.
The team’s irrepressible form continued at Roses with Callis getting on the scoresheet in a convincing 31-8 triumph.
A quiet but unmistakable voice of authority in the heat of the action, Callis squeezed the best out of a talented team and focused minds solely on winning, resulting in a golden season.
COMMENDATIONS –
EMILY SCOTT, HANNAH BARWICK-WALTERS, HUGH PRYCE, MARLIES NEUNER, RAESSA CHOWDHURY

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR: Badminton
“Promotion to Northern Conference 1A is just reward for a strong group of talented players who have consistently challenged at a high level”
>> DAN HYDE
YORK 5 DURHAM 3 – MARCH 31

Three years of toil. Two years of tormentuous second places. But it has only taken one year of absolute perfection for the men’s badminton firsts to secure their rightful place in the upper echeleons of university badminton.
Led by stalwart captain Will “Warrior” Wiseman, the team cultivated a togetherness, a spirit of fire that gave them an unbeaten season in BUCS League 2B and saw them romp home to an 8-1 Roses victory, accomplished without even dipping into their deep reserves of trick shots. And in that mêlée, they even managed to give Durham a thrashing too.
Team of the Year is a contentious, highly contested categry – probably most so – but these badmintoners have provided an unmatched example of professionalism. Talented doubles pairings – Wiseman with the experienced Paddy Clarke, and John Choi with the enigmatic Ricky Kanabar – have complemented the grit of Ed Chuck and the sublime, unpredictable brilliance of one of the university’s most talented sportsmen, Duy Hung Nguyen: to watch them has been to love them.
COMMENDATIONS –
MEN’S RUGBY, BOAT CLUB, YUSnow,
WOMEN’S LACROSSE, WOMEN’S SQUASH

PERFORMANCE OF THE YEAR: Men’s football
“If Lancaster Sport were a dead dog, in this game York picked up its feeble carcass, read a brief memoriam and threw it into a quarry”
>> JOHN HALSTEAD
YORK 4 LANCASTER 0 – MAY 10

Roses had long been decided before the football first teams took to the field on the Sunday afternoon, but this game seemed to encapsulate the sublimity of York’s weekend.
Seeking revenge for a heavy and controversial defeat the previous year, the home side demolished Lancaster 4-0 in a fond and fitting farewell for many third-year players before a large crowd.
Mark McLeod stepped up to send Lancaster’s goalkeeper the wrong way from the penalty spot after ten minutes, after Dom O’Shea had been pushed.
The lead was doubled on the half hour when wing-back Ian McKellow headed home from Joe Brennan’s cross, before Anton ‘Dreamz’ Murphy took advantage of some hesitant defending to nod home a third early in the second-half.
O’Shea rounded off an outstanding afternoon by scoring a fourth, again benefitting from the goalkeeper’s uncertainty. Captain Matt Witherwick, playing his last university match, was understandably delighted by his team’s performance of the season.
COMMENDATIONS –
NETBALL vs. HUDDERSFIELD (February 18), RUGBY vs. UCLAN (May 13), BASKETBALL vs. LANCASTER (May 10)

Having also benefited from the largesse of their opponents in the semi-final against Derwent – goalkeeper Ed Amoroso gifting forward Dan Cox the opener on that occasion – Alcuin received another present when Sheldrick powered a header past Paul Taylor after Miles McDermott’s long-ball had caused confusion. Despite this, the match hung in the balance until yet another moment of inspiration from striker Williams, half-way through the second period. Latching on to Ollie Webb’s accurate forward pass and defying the offside trap, Williams controlled the ball with his head before lofting it beyond Taylor for 3-1. The goal followed a header in the semi-final, and capped a fine tournament for the frontman.

Alcuin had made a blistering start to the game, despite the absence of influential playmaker Ed Murrills – another goalscorer in the last four match – and had doubled their lead on 19 minutes when Cormac headed home from close range from Cox’s well-executed byline cross. Cox shouldn’t have found the half-yard to deliver the ball, but managed to turn Chris Schultz. However, their two-goal lead was short-lived, as Vanbrugh responded within two minutes. Mark Gouland, the prolific university first team striker, had an easy header following Matt Oliver’s accurate right-wing cross.

Gouland enjoyed a lively game, as we have come to expect, but was largely frustrated by a well-drilled Alcuin rearguard. At 3-1 down and time ticking away, Vanbrugh should have been awarded a penalty when Gouland was crudely pulled down, but referee and university firsts’ strike partner Dom O’Shea waved away the appeals.

Vanbrugh, who have grown stronger as the tournament has progressed, cast aside their defensive mindset to launch an aerial bombardment through the long throws of Dan Hewitt. However, Alcuin had correctly predicted this tactic and played a similar long-ball game, taking full advantage of McDermott’s ability to pick out the head of Cox and other targets. The consequence was a lively, and sometimes physical, encounter although the easy option of lofting the ball forward proved too tempting for both sides, rather than keeping the ball on the ground and building slowly.Alcuin had been forced to make some alterations to a largely consistent starting XI, with Webb drafted in. Vanbrugh were also forced into replacements in defence.

After a couple of half-chance headers in the opening salvos, McDermott was denied by Taylor’s fingertips in the first genuine opening. In the hectic start, Gouland also headed goalwards from the first of Hewitt’s throws. With the slightly below-expectation crowd lapping up the entertainment in the sporadic evening sunshine, Sheldrick’s unfortunate own goal looked as though it would prove psychologically damaging, especially when Dan Hyde wasted a great opportunity to double the lead. Following the exchange of goals mid-way through the half, Gouland again exploited Vanbrugh’s aerial potency, but his flicked header flew wide.

Illustrating the hurly-burly life she now inherits, Scott’s diary is full to bursting point for as far as she dares look, flying between BUCS training seminars and general meetings in far-flung reaches of the country. It’s all part of a tiring, if necessary, transition period as she prepares to replace Alex Lacy next month.

Potential headaches dot the horizon; Scott must already grapple with Sports Centre timetabling and club budgets, all before the real business begins. “The timetables aren’t going to be the same as last year, so some teams are going to have to move training venues,” Scott said. “And no, I don’t understand Lacymatics.”

Despite the inevitable obstacles and steep learning curve, Scott is determined to ‘get it right.’ Therefore, clubs can expect the York Sport handbook by mid-August, allowing vital pre-season preparations to be made, while Freshers will be made aware of the full panoply of sports on offer before arrival, aiding the process of recruitment.

But there must also be continuity; Scott intends to continue the rollout of black and gold kit colours, the initial resistance to their introduction having been overcome, and, most significantly, the unprecedented success enjoyed by York teams this year. “The excellent advances in BUCS aren’t down to us, they’re down to the individual clubs’ initiative,” admitted Scott, who served as a York Sport Ordinary Member this year.
“For instance, the rugby men’s firsts competing in the top division, hopefully they will not be relegated. The winning mentality doesn’t simply disappear overnight.”

Like many of her predecessors, Scott laments the late start to term which puts York at an immediate disadvantage, though hopefully better recruitment will limit the damage. So what else can we expect from her reign? The manifesto looks strong; continue improving media coverage – notably the York Sport show on YSTV, the only one of its kind in the UK – restoring Varsity to the calendar (Scott is meeting the incoming York St. John sports committee next week to start laying the foundations) and, of course, deliver a fourth successive Roses. “Lacy challenged me to win the tournament on the Friday, but this year was such an anti-climax. It will be much closer in 2010.”

The cup started with a massive bang straight from the turret of ‘Tank’ of Goodricke Seconds. His coshing of Uni captain Witherwick has weaved its way into Yorklore. People whisper of him as a man ten feet tall with the legs of a Kodiak bear and the arms of a Beluga whale. Despite their early humiliation, God himself could not have foreseen the stunning turnaround that was to see Vanbrugh edge out others with their ultra-pragmatic Boltonry and advance to this week’s finale.

Amongst the victims were dark horses James, the outstanding McLeod and Johnson cruelly denied a shot at glory by the capricious and deranged hand of Fate (and according to Johnson, who revealed in an exclusive interview a disturbing desire to exact some Old Testament-stlye revenge, the on-pitch misbehaviour of ex-Vanbrugh chair Matt Oliver).
Goodricke also fell foul of the Teutonic Vanbrugh penalty machine, but really rued the absent Dom O’Shea on matchday. The referee’s whistle is to O’Shea what those famous bells were to Pavlov’s dogs – except he salivates for goals, and lots of them.

But as Vanbrugh fluffed their lines early on, the rest of the top first teams staked their claim, all routinely crushing the lesser teams by 3 goal margins in the group stages. Halifax seemed to make the biggest claim by, to use the words of Alan Pardew, ‘raping’ Vanbrugh Thirds nine nil. But their path was to be the antithesis of Vanbrugh’s. Derwent asserted their status as favourites, fielding a team peppered with Uni firsts like Alex Cooper and Greg ‘the constant’ Gardner. But Atlas-like, with the weight of the world on their shoulders, their legs were swept from underneath them by the rapier blade of Alcuin.

In the group stages, the fragile knee ligaments of modish gadabout Jake Delaney appeared to have torn up their gameplan. But like tennis journeyman James Blake, who overcame a bent spine, a paralysed face and his father’s death to become a Queen’s Club finalist, Alcuin have put their problems behind them and stormed into the final.

And so it comes down to this. Vanbrugh versus Alcuin. Captains Cox and Sheldrick each claim that God has promised them victory. For one, the desolation of defeat forever etched into their brain. For the other, the kind of glory usually reserved for the battlefield death of a war hero. It’s a sundown duel at the astro: one hour, gloves off, no holds barred. Strap in.

Nouse Team of the Tournament
Connor Brennan, Chris Barnett, Mark Johnson, Ed Murrill, Nav Jabarkhyl, David Slater, Greg Gardner, Laurie Swann, Chris Shultz (Substitutes: Matt Scaysbrook, Jonny MacWilliams, Hugh Pryce, Ronan Joyce, Mark McLeod, Dan York, Adam Leadbeater, Ed Lacaille, Ali Prince, Josh “Tank” Barker)

Nouse Goal of the Tournament(As voted for by the fans online)
1. Hugh Pryce’s delicious chip against Alcuin Seconds. Nouse’s Adam Shergold says: “A deserving winner, considering the importance of the game. “
2. Udy Onwudike’s last-gasp header to beat Halfiax Seconds (see left).
3. Parris Williams’ breathtaking volley against Vanbrugh Seconds. Dan Hyde says: “Parris announced himself on the big stage with that goal. Wow.”
4. Mark McLeod’s stunning curler from 25 yards against Derwent Seconds in the quarter-finals. Nouse’s John Halstead says: ”A one in a hundred strike”
5. Jamie Tyler’s overhead kick for Derwent Seconds against Vanbrugh Thirds. Adam Shergold says: “Easily the most unexpected goal of the tournament – he’s a defender!”
6. David Slater’s long-range thumper against Wentworth Firsts. Dan Hyde says: “Boomtown.”

Nouse Player of the Tournament
Parris Williams
D.O.B: 21.09.88
Year: Second
Team: Alcuin Firsts
Position: Striker
Fantasy Football value: £4.1m
Together with Ed Murrills, Parris Williams has been the key to Alcuin’s progress in the College Cup. Undervalued at £4.1m in Fantasy Football at the start of the competition, Williams has gone from hiding deep within the squad’s fringes to regular substitute to one of the first names on the team sheet for Alcuin Firsts. And if displacing university second team striker Joe Cooper – who had top-scoring university football season alongside fellow Alcuin striker Dan Cox – was feat enough, the way Williams has changed games for the red and blacks has been critical, and he’s captured the spectators’ imagination along the way. A wiry runner with ball at feet, superb in the air and deceptively strong, he scored the crucial second goal in Alcuin’s crunch semi against favourites Derwent Firsts and also picked up the Man of the Match award.

Furthermore, a stunning strike against Vanbrugh Seconds in the group stages also had him vying for the goal of the tournament prize. Williams has had the biggest impact on this tournament of any player. In the runners up spots are Mark Johnson and Chris Barnett – each prolific for beaten semi-finalists James and Derwent, respectively.
Runners up: Mark Johnson and Chris Barnett

Nouse Game of the Tournament
Winner: Alcuin Seconds 3 – 2 Halifax Seconds (group stage match)
Udy Onwudike’s late, late header capped an improbable comeback and sent Alcuin Seconds through to the knockout stages at the expense of Halifax Seconds. In a rip-roaring start, Hugh Pryce’s brace, including a delightful chip deserving of Goal of the Tournament, had put Halifax firmly in the driving seat.

However, Alcuin refused to buckle and launched a revival before half-time, courtesy of superb goals from Simon Reiss and Thomas Gibby. Both sides wasted clear openings in a tense second-half, before Onwudike rose highest to win the game, sparking delirium on the sidelines. Runner-up for best game is Goodricke Seconds’ incredible 3-2 upset of Vanbrugh Firsts.  
Runner-up: Goodricke Seconds 3 – 2 Vanbrugh Firsts (group stage match)

Straight ahead, in shocking defiance of Alex Lacy, who is awkwardly on stage mumbling something about inclusion, YUSnow are collectively slurping cheap table wine from their loafers (see helpful picture, right). It’s barely 8pm and the decorum York Sport had tried so poorly to encourage had gone the way of Gaz Coleman’s credibility.

During the dessert, rowdy rugby players, with welfare-radar Charlie Leyland aghast, imposed an impromptu cutlery ban the likes of Yorkshire hasn’t seen since the invention of Sheffield. Mike Callis, gasping for breath following his inexplicable decision to noose himself with bow tie and normal tie, assumed the stage and demonstrated how to hoover the standard issue slab of “98% chocolatey” chocolate (Nicholas Waite soundbite no. 137) without hands in 2.3 seconds flat. The evening’s suffocated class had stopped kicking and screaming.

As Paul Guest was starting to regret taking Kate Copson along with him, so started the time-consuming process of issuing colours – sorry generic yellow certificates – to commemorate excellence in pole dancing, tai chi and hill walking. The gloomy procession was clearly awkward for Lacy, who didn’t recognise anyone he was congratulating and didn’t receieve a great deal of gratitude for handing out photocopied post-it notes.

Flying High
Halifax College: Once again York’s largest college has romped home to the college title, which sort of makes sense if you think about it… With six Sports Reps and Emily Scott’s persuasive squeak, they’ve got plenty of organisational foundation and excelled at last week’s sports day.

Mid-Table Safety
Alcuin College: A magnificent second for Alcuin breaks a terrible run in the college standings. College coordinator Paul Guest has been behind most of it – literally, in fact, as he has played for most of the teams. It’s certainly something to build on for a college with great, but often unfulfilled, potential.

Relegation Zone
Goodricke College: Third from may as well be bottom itself with Wentworth and Langwith holding up the rear, and for a college that finished first in 2006 and second in 2007, that’s a pretty poor effort. With a move to Heslington East in the pipeline, their is some hope for ‘Gricke.‘ But don’t hold your breath.

Top totty in this year’s TTTOY
This year of sport has indeed been an excting one for girls across campus. Those torsos have been out in recent weeks, glaring gorgeously in the suns reflection. Being a university of the north means those bellies are hidden for longer in the winter months, growing bigger with the mince pie intake and mulled wine. Yet TM finds it even more of a delight when the sun releases its rays and allows beauty to be seen at its most lovely… topless. So the big question is, who is the topless torso team of the year, or as TM likes to call it, TTTOY? After some hard debate, and spying with a pair of cheap binoculars at various games, the TTTOY award must to the mens firsts tennis team . The chizzled bodies of the foursome are enough to melt any ice cream from a scary greensleeves music-playing van. Let’s hope the new tennis courts will give the team even more reason next summer to allow the Achillies’s and Hercules’ of York to be fully released to York’s female population. Don’t say girls don’t care about sport! Congrats boys.

TheMixer’s crystal ball
Making use of all manner of psychic powers, TheMixer makes a few predictions for the sporting year ahead:
- York Sport to abandon their black and gold kit rollout, as Emily Scott favours a more fetching pink and yellow number.
- Tiddleywinks, Asking Directions, Persistent Complaining, and Danger Monopoly to become York Sport ratified activities.
- Tiddleywinks to achieve record number of colours handouts after winning Roses in front of 10,000-strong crowd.
- Hockey firsts to win a game… well, actually maybe not.
- Man on street finally understands Lacymatics. World ends.
- Joe Cooper finally hits target after six months of flak from the general university community.
- Lancaster campaign to include streaking, inflatable banana heist and goalmouth urination as competitive sport in Roses build-up.

The idea for the Top 50 came to us over Easter. Forbes have their rich list, Vision their Power List, but we wanted to do something different. Every year, these lists see the same, predictable names cropping up in slightly different arrangements, but we hoped to create something whereby those whose work would not usually achieve campus-wide recognition could see the value of their work to those around them.

With the number of people nominated exceeding the set quota of 50, we were unfortunately forced to select only the first 50 to arrive. Otherwise, editing of the list has been minimal, the details of each candidate coming from those who know them best. Although all those nominated could not be included, the fact that so many people were put forward can only serve to emphasise the number of people at York who work tirelessly for campus, for its students and for the surrounding area.

The list – which has not been ranked – consists of a wide variety of people from many different backgrounds. The familiar faces of Student Union Officers appear, as indeed they should do for much of the welfare, student representation and organisation on campus is down to their hard work and dedication. Alongside them, we see drama directors, student volunteers, sports men and women and many others grouped together under six main categories.

We sincerely hope that you feel this project achieves what it set out to do. And to all nominated, congratulations.

Philanthropy

Entrepreneurialism

Sports

Politics

Students and Societies

Arts

1. DAMASCUS, SYRIA
President Obama has dispatched an ambassador to Syria in an effort to aid diplomacy in the Middle East. The last US ambassador was withdrawn by the Bush regime in 2005 in protest of alleged Syrian links to the assassination of former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik Hariri. President Obama hopes that this will lead to improved relations between the US and Syria.

2. LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM
John Bercow has been appointed Speaker of the House of Commons and presided over his first debate on Wednesday. Bercow is MP for Buckinghamshire and, until his appointment as speaker, sat as a member of the Conservative Party. He took the chair wearing a lounge suit and tie under his black gown, shocking traditionalists.

3. BAGHDAD, IRAQ
More than 60 people have been killed by a bomb planted in a market stall in Baghdad. The bombing is the latest in a spate of incidents thought to be related to the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq. The attacks have raised concerns about whether newly trained Iraqi security forces will be able to keep peace in the area once US troops move out. The deadline for US withdrawal is the 30th June and people remain hesitant about the potential vacuum that may be caused once US troops leave the country.

4. MOGADISHU, SOMALIA
The Somalian government has called in vein on neighbouring Ethiopia and Kenya for military aid in the fight against a jihadist insurgency. Neither country offered military assistance to Somalia although controversial evidence has arisen that the US is secretly providing the country with arms.

5. BISHKEKM, KYRGSTAN
The US has secured a deal with Kyrgyzstan which will allow them to continue using Manas airport to support essential military operations in Afghanistan. The base is very important to the US because it is the only airport in central Asia that the country can use for military means. In February the Kyrgyzstani government had said that American use of the air base could no longer continue.

6. LOS ANGELES, UNITED STATES
Pop singer Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack. The 50 year old singer was declared dead at a Los Angeles hospital on Thursday afternoon after suffering from cardiac arrest. Jackson had recently passed a medical test which deemed him fit enough to perform a series of concerts in London.

7. TEHRAN, IRAN
Protests disputing the outcome of the Iranian election have spread from Tehran to other cities throughout the country. Anger escalated after Iranian authorities met a protest in Tehran with lethal force on 28th June. Millions of Iranians believe that the alleged victory of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad over his opponent Mir Hosein Mousavi was fixed.

8. PARIS, FRANCE
President Nicholas Sarkozy has provoked controversy by saying that the Islamic Burka is “not welcome on French territory.” In a speech to both houses of the French parliament he described the garment as “a sign of subjugation…of debasement”. The idea of banning the garment in public places has been discussed and Sarkozy’s public condemnation makes such a ban much more likely.

9. ROME, ITALY
President Nicholas Sarkozy has provoked controversy by saying that the Islamic Burka is “not welcome on French territory.” In a speech to both houses of the French parliament he described the garment as “a sign of subjugation…of debasement”. The idea of banning the garment in public places has been discussed and Sarkozy’s public condemnation makes such a ban much more likely.

10. TRIESTE, AFGHANISTAN
The USA has announced a change to the way it hopes to deal with growers of opium poppies in the country. Instead of destroying the crops, as is currently the strategy, the government plans to instigate a miro-economic plan that will provide substantial funds to encourage farmers to grow alternative crops and explore other venues for generating income.

11. CORFU, GREECE
After poor relations following the Georgia situation in 2008, Russia and NATO have agreed to resume cooperation on security issues. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov described the agreement as ‘to a certain extent a positive development’, but went on to add that the decisions taken by Russia over the future of Georgia are ‘irreversible’.

12. Somerset, England
Richard Dawkins helped to set up an atheist summer camp where children will be educated on radical scepticism and sing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’.

“I do this for a living, you see. Landlords call me up, I come in the day tenants move out, and advise the owner as to how much they should steal from the deposit,” he confesses, running his finger along our bannister and looking disparigingly at the end result.

“Um, steal?” I venture.

“Well, students are always getting ripped off,” he laughs.

Hmmm. Well, this is going well.

“But you’ve done the right thing, getting me in here now,” he adds. Ah ha – this is more promising. However, it’s a week until the dreaded day – the day of ripped up cheques and wafer-thin legal threats – and I’m nervous.

“I can have a look around, give you a quote, and you’ll be paying me a darn sight less than you’d end up paying the landlord.”

I’m rapidly warming to this chap. The warming continues when, tour of the house over, he says:

“Look mate, I would take your money, I really could, but you just don’t need me. Seven of you, four hours, all done – top to bottom.”

I’m gobsmacked. This wasn’t in the ‘chuck money at the situation and it’ll fix itself’ plan. We’d already worked out a decent profit margin on the cleaning
expenses/potential deposit return graph.

“What will undoubtedly win through is inaction, leaving us all £300 out of pocket, and giving the new tenants something other than their ogre-like new landlord to worry about”

It was only after he left that I realised the conundrum that faced us. Quite prepared to spend £20 each and watch as the squat transformed into a shining palace, we now had to beg the question: Was he serious, or was he dropping the double-fucking on us?

The jury was out. Do we accept his magical, economical words of wisdom, and do our very best to scrub the place up, only for Mr Muscle himself to stroll in on Friday with a smile and drop the deposit-shrinking bomb? I mean, let’s face it, he’d have a bloody good idea where to find the really bad stains. Or do we unravel his dastardly plan, call a competitor and get the place powerhosed?

There are the ambitious among us – me included – who have faith that teamwork and determination will shift the crap that has accumulated throughout our abode. Then there are others – mostly those who spend the majority of their waking hours either in front of a mirror or drunk – who appreciate our complete lack of cleaning experience, which would explain the current predicament, and would happily double the agreed spending limit if it got rid of the problem.

What will undoubtedly win through is inaction, leaving us all £300 out of pocket, and giving the new tenants something other than their ogre-like new landlord to worry about.

It’s a given that we’ve started the worrying far too late. I have friends who commenced the big clean weeks ago. It’s going to be friendship-shattering. My most flapping of housemates will undoubtedly be too busy packing to help out, my more lethargic companion will probably begin multiple tasks and finish none, and the two ladies will – enraged by the lack of support – throw in the J-cloth. Alas. Perhaps I could salvage some of my deposit by leaking the locations of the dirtiest spots to Mr Muscle.

So I’m a Journajizzer. You got me. It’s useless, they grumble. It’s a waste of a page, they moan. Well patently not, because it got your wingeing little backs up, didn’t it? Hiding behind that marvellous veil of anonymity (except for the really moronic ones that leave their York email address) you snipe away, congratulating yourself with every blow of your razor-sharp wit. Except no-one really cares. But wait, that’s your point, right?

Anyone would think I’d single-handedly invented the concept of the column for Christ’s sake.

It’s egotistical. It’s self-referential. You read it or you turn the page to read a review of a film you’ll never watch. I can only guess by their insightful comments that Mr and Mrs Anonymous didn’t choose to flick past.

Some points of information for you, and please listen up, Miss Hebden: Journajizzers, spraying their literary seed, are here to stay. In fact, in a world of 24/7 television news and internet reporting, Journajizm is what makes Richard Littlejohn the second-highest paid staff member on the Daily Mail, after the Editor, and why The Independent, Telegraph and Times bend over backwards to keep Johann Hari, Boris Johnson and Jeremy Clarkson respectively on their rapidly shrinking pages.

Personally, I enjoy the Journajizm that they so gracefully ejaculate. Now they are far better jizzers than me, but at least I don’t cum in orange.

God, it’s happened. By the time you read this column in Nouse – my last for this newspaper, by the way – I will have my degree result. Yes, I have sweated my way to Langwith College, clutching my library card. I have jostled with other terrified third years, scanning the noticeboard for the right number. And there it was: my stamp of cringing mediocrity, bland approval, or even (I try to kid myself) soaring excellence.

Back in February, I wrote in the Daily Telegraph that my year group – the class of 2009 – was “generation crunch”. Shovelled into university by New Labour, and blighted by the recession, we face an oversubscribed and shrinking job market, all of us saddled with previously unheard of amounts of debt. We haven’t even reached our 22nd birthdays.

But how far away it all seemed, just five months ago! I wallowed in the comfort of my student loan. I continued to stare vapidly at dozens of applications for graduate schemes. I wrote and revised work ‘timetables’. Then, without much warning, the big day arrived. Now it’s all hitting home: the University of York is not Neverland. And I am not Peter Pan.

Last week, the King of Pop was killed by the very same revelation. That’s right: it suddenly dawned on Michael Jackson that he, too, was not Peter Pan. Aged 50, he finally looked in horror at the real world. Very tragically, it beat him hands down. You think I am joking?

Countless BBC interviews with his spoon-bending friends and former producers confirm only one thing about MJ. He thought he was one of J.M. Barrie’s Lost Boys. (OK fine, he probably only watched the Disney version, but you get my point.)

In a way, Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch was like university – a childish getaway from reality. Of course, he took it to extremes. According to one 32 year-old visitor, the place “smelled like cinnamon rolls, vanilla and candy and sounded like children laughing.” It had its own zoo, complete with elephants, giraffes and a crocodile. It even had a ferris wheel and a kiddie’s roller-coaster. No wonder it reportedly cost four million dollars a year to run. And no wonder the exalted King of Pop had to sell his kingdom, when the Forbes rich list suddenly announced he was two hundred million in the red.

Michael Jackson spent as much, and then much more, than he earned – around 700 million dollars. His expansive entourage, an unknown number of cosmetic procedures, and his well documented shopaholism all contributed to his financial demise. In one telling example of petulant extravagance, he bought bronze statues of Peter Pan and the Lost Boys – for more than six million dollars.

“We will sit up, our eyes blurry. This is the real world. This is unbearable”

Eventually, though, lawyers informed MJ that he was almost bankrupt. The spending would have to stop, and he needed to pay back his loans. He tried everything. He attempted to record a new album, and failed. He even went to Japan – where his allegations of child abuse had been ignored by their socially conservative media – and asked Tokyo’s high fliers to pay thousands of dollars to spend an hour in a room with him. He mimed along to old songs of his, waving playfully at them.

They loved him, of course. But it didn’t work. He was still near bankruptcy. So earlier this year, Michael Jackson – idol, let’s face it, to our older siblings – admitted that a string of public performances would be the only way out of his financial dead end. Facing up to reality, he ambitiously announced that 50 London concerts were in store. Adoring fans bought the tickets and put images of “Wacko Jacko” out of their minds – the biggest selling pop artist in the history of the music industry was performing one last time, and they weren’t going to miss it.

A heart attack from stress, or maybe one too many doses of his prescription drugs – it doesn’t matter. What undoubtedly killed Michael Jackson was the stress of those upcoming performances. He realised he could no longer be a Lost Boy. He was an adult, a performer. And after years of denial, he couldn’t cope.

Those of us who are graduating are fortunate. We have only been in denial for three years or so. Yet sometime in July, we will collectively sit up in bed, our eyes blurry and our minds confused. This is the real world, we will think. This is unbearable. With any luck though, our young hearts will survive the shock. RIP Michael Jackson.

The paper is King. If there’s work to be done then there will be no showers, there will be no ‘going home’ (unless of course we’ve run out of computers, in which case skidazz, space and oxygen are at a premium, and we know how the senior members feel about any superfluous presence), Vanbrugh vending machines will keep body and soul together a bit longer and you can kiss that essay deadline goodbye. There’s Gallery if you’re good, but you’d better be prepared to come crawling back at 2am, sweaty and still slightly (or very) pissed to finish that lay-up in time for the higher powers to check it in the morning. Yes, they’ll change every last detail, but they know better, and you know they’ll remember that commitment come society elections in the autumn. You may think your degree’s important, but you’ll feel differently once you’ve seen your name in print at the top of a double-page spread.

It’s the experience that counts, pay your dues and it will pay dividends. Proofing may be a chore but infinitely preferable to that sinking feeling we all recognise when on Tuesday, flicking through someone spots a ‘there’ where there should have been ‘their’, a fault in the by-line which renders what would have been perfection irrevocably flawed. You may think you need to go home at 2am to be up for your 9.15, but on reflection (and the uninhibited consumption of Red Bull), you may conclude otherwise. Nothing but the best will do darlings, and though I love you all you know I love the paper just a bit more. We like a bit of drama about the place, nothing like some healthy competition, but you’d better toughen that skin if you want to make it up the ladder. Chat is fun but success is funner, so unless you can do both at the same time keep schtum, we have Spotify to provide the soundtrack. Enough, this is far too much energy inefficiently spent. I’ve got a newspaper to make, over and out.

“Are you ok?” says guy behind till. I’m a bit taken aback. “Um yeah I’m good thanks, I’m great. I’m really good, I’m alright.” Bugger, that was a bit enthusiastic, don’t think he wanted that much information, try and cancel it out a bit. “I mean, I’m fine thank you, I’m ok, um are you?” “Yeah, it’s just you’ve been here for ages so we were wondering if you were alright?” A girl who looks like the girl from the ring rears her ugly head from round the corner of the stock room. Presumably she’s the other half of the “we”.
I thank till boy for his concern and explain that I’m avoiding an essay, hence the 40 minutes taken to choose a packet of basmati rice and a corkscrew. I assume this draws a polite and finite end to our little tête à tête. But till boy is not content to let this lie. Till boy is twisted. Till boy is hoping for blood and tears. “We thought you were mad,” he goads. “Oh *nervous titter* um well I’m not so…” Till boy withholds the change. This could go on forever. 40 minutes is fine, above an hour in Costcutters is obscene. I prise the coins from his claw-like grasp and scuttle home, leaving behind 20 minutes worth of carefully selected corkscrew.

“DRINK IT,” the assembled Ring of Fire circle hollers menacingly with a crazed look in their eyes. Some people just can’t resist organising the fun. Okey dokey then, I’m not one to shirk from the concrete rules of enforced drinking. What is this I’m being proffered though? Whisky? Bacardi? Oh no wait, it’s vodka. Except with a cocktail sausage. “What is this?” “It’s a weiner” they reply, drunkenly snorting into their lukewarm Pimms, spraying vast quantities of saliva across the laminate flooring. “I’ll drink the vodka but I’m going to strain the meat products through my teeth,” I venture, waiting for the backlash of the hot, alcoholic breath of my friends, adopting the ‘brace brace’ position favored by airlines worldwide. But something is very wrong, there is no backlash. The revelers have indeed become so fixated by the culinary delight which is the cocktail sausage that they are now doing some form of party food Olympics, displaying a flexibility and deft acrobatic disposition rarely seen in drunks. If only there was pineapple on sticks. Then we could have done javelin.

This morning at 5am I was still on Facebook surveying my options. Why are all the boys here so small? I had gone through the entire football, rugby and rowing firsts looking for something sporty, to galvanise me out of my relationship with my sanguine, colourless boyfriend. Nothing. Maybe LGBT? I could go lesbian. I quite like that Katy Perry song. I could go genderfluid. Some days I wake up and would rather self define as a lampshade than a woman.

But surprise! my boyfriend appears on Facebook chat:

The Boyfriend: I want to cum all over your face.

(What?)

Me: Is this a joke?

(I hope it’s not a joke, this is the most exciting thing to happen to me in ages)

The Boyfriend: Deadly serious bitch I’m gonna make you prolapse.

(Was he finally taking some ownership over me?)

Me: When?

(Soon, come on)

The Boyfriend: 5 minutes, your house. I’m going to pound your flange.

(Is this my boyfriend? He does say things like this to his friends. Is this my new boyfriend?)

Me: See you then.

(That was so weak)

I switched off my computer and began to get ready. I had a waist-level sink wash given the pressing nature of the circumstances, and risked my Agent Provocateur lingerie since he probably won’t be this excited again.

I texted my boyfriend telling him to knock three times on the door. “Sure babe” he texted back. Oh my God I was so excited.

Knockknockknock.

I opened the door and eggs smashed on my face, then they covered me in flour and confetti. I wiped my eyes and my boyfriend was tied up to a lamppost, himself covered in the white mixture . He had a sock strapped into his mouth with duct tape and was red in the face, screaming. His shoes were on the bonnet of a car, and in the early morning light he looked curious with one of his two feet bare.

Covered in eggs and flour, I began to feel strangely fertile, so I walked out in my slippers to talk to my boyfriend’s housemates who had played the prank.

“Sorry!” They laughed. “We just thought it’d be funny if we got you as well.” And yeah, this was probably the most fun I’d had in ages. I went over to my boyfriend, peeled the tape off his mouth, took out the dirty, foul sock in his mouth and said “Do you still want to fuck me?”

“No,” he said. “I want to go home with my friends.” So I went in, went to bed still all floury and imagined.

On Thursday 7th June, two British National Party candidates were elected to the European Parliament. The results, upon their announcement the following Sunday night, were met with a massive national outcry, media coverage, and the egging of Nick Griffin, the BNP party leader during a press conference outside Parliament. The major parties were united in their condemnation. The national media, which days earlier had still been preaching the evils of British MPs, the money-grabbing good-for-nothing expenses cheats wasting the taxpayer’s hard earned cash on duck houses and chandeliers made out of platinum (probably), were equally dismayed with the outcome. However for all the horror understandably expressed that an essentially racist party should be allowed representation in Europe, the fact remains that in order for this to have come about, someone, somewhere must have voted for them. The pertinent question therefore, is why.

I spoke to Ken Booth, North-East regional organiser of the BNP, a BNP member currently in his second year at York University, and Labour MP Ann Cryer (above), in whose constituency Nick Griffin is the BNP candidate. She offered her diagnosis of the situation. “I think people stayed at home because they were disenchanted about MPs. The Telegraph led the charge, and the others followed suit, trying to criminalise every MP that there is. The reports [on expenses] never said ‘some MPs’, they said ‘MPs’, so people think all 648 of us were at it. I think that that was the main problem for the European elections”.

This disenchantment with the status quo is crucial for the BNP. A glance at the YouGov poll taken in concordance with the European elections offers some key insights as to who backed them, and why. Nationally, professional workers outnumber manual by 20 per cent to 18 per cent. Among BNP voters the proportion is 11 per cent professional to 36 per cent manual workers. 61 per cent of BNP voters are male. A third read the Sun or Daily Star, compared with just a fifth of the country at large, and only 6 per cent read the upmarket Guardian, Times, Telegraph etc. The average BNP voter’s wage is slightly below the national average. They are, essentially, what once formed the backbone of traditional Labour support.

BNP voters are dissatisfied. Only 19 per cent believe that “My family will have the opportunities to prosper in the years ahead”, as opposed to 59 per cent of Labour and 42 per cent of Conservative voters. 70 per cent believe that white people face unfair discrimination nowadays; the national figure is 40 per cent. In a statement rather uncannily similar to the BNP’s official statement as outlined on their website, Greg, a BNP member currently attending York University said: “Many voters, predominantly white, working class, are absolutely fed up with current career politicians and the failure of their policy, particularly on jobs and immigration. That’s why they’ve turned to us, people willing to listen to their grievances and act on their behalf”.

Disturbingly however BNP voters, although not always in agreement with the BNP’s more obviously sectarian and intolerant beliefs, appear to either be ignorant of them, or willing to overlook them. Less than half take the BNP view that non-white citizens are less British than white citizens, and only half believe that immigration is one of the most pressing issues facing themselves and their families. This suggests that it is the disillusionment with the major parties which has proved so pivotal to the BNP in recent years. As Ann Cryer pointed out to me “Their vote didn’t increase at the last European elections, it was just that a lot of our people stayed at home

The papers were saying we’re all greedy, we’re all criminals, we’re not worth a vote. That’s why the BNP got seats they should never have got.”

Cryer is impassioned in her reproach, “I mean Norman Tebitt? What the hell was he about, going on the radio a few days before the elections saying don’t vote for the major parties, vote for the minority parties. I mean he afterwards said he didn’t mean the BNP, but you could’ve fooled me!”

And the BNP are aware of this effect too. This is apparent as I talk to Ken Booth, North East regional organiser of the BNP and a candidate in the North East. He is sickeningly jubilant over the circumstances which have led to the BNP’s European presence: “Our playing field isn’t level, that’s enough for some people to vote. They want to vote for the underdog, even if they don’t necessarily agree with all the policies” It doesn’t seem to matter therefore whether or not the BNP actually reflect people’s interests, so long as the outcome is in line with the party’s aims. When I tell him that I’m a student he replies “How are the student population taking the election results then? Not well!” and laughs.

Incidences such as the egging of Nick Griffin can be equally helpful for the BNP. As Booth puts it “All those useless Communist indoctrination types, we find them very useful! We don’t need to campaign, thankfully the anti-fascists publicise us!” Ann Cryer offers a rather more coherent insight: “I avoid Griffin. I don’t think, like some groups, that you have to say stuff to them, to engage in battle with them, you’re simply playing into their hands by doing that. Throwing eggs at Griffin is just playing into their hands, you’ve got to be absolutely mad doing things like that. It gave him prime-time television; I mean that’s the last thing we want.”

The greatest danger when the BNP get this kind of coverage (free of charge) is that they can then play on popular ignorance. The example Ann Cryer gave me about free cars is one way; just “spreading lies, door to door”. However, Ken Booth claims that sometimes even this ‘canvassing’ is not necessary. “There was a local council election in Newcastle where the BNP candidate didn’t put any literature out at all. But a local anti-fascist group was campaigning, and our candidate beat the Tories with 340 votes. They don’t even know who the BNP candidate is, they just tick the box”

Booth dodges between various arguments, one minute crowing over the naivety which has apparently led to the ‘accidental’ success (relatively) of some candidates, to championing the democratic process. Of protesters, he says “They’ll have to keep the protest up for 5 years because that’s how long European seats last. They don’t acknowledge democracy, no-one held a gun to people’s heads and said ‘vote BNP’.” Then he oscillates back to the unfairness of the BNP’s situation: “This guy Tony Dowling said “We need to confront them.” That sounds like a physical threat to me”.

On the national media, he cannot seem to make up his mind. On the one hand he is keen to emphasise the obstacles which it has created for the BNP “Some media reports the BNP like any other party. Others, the Sun, the Mirror, say ridiculous things, that we’re Nazis, fascists. We’ve done it the hard way, not relying on national media”. On the other he boasts that this very censorship is good for the BNP because “They’re just alienating their readership, people will boycott them and subscribe to ‘Voice of Freedom [the BNP publication]. Perhaps he is unaware that his party are in fact more likely to be Sun readers than non-party members. I ask him whether readership of the Voice of Freedom has actually increased. It has not, but he says proudly “Our readership’s about 200,000, but we’re not in debt like the nationals”.

It is not true that the BNP “are not campaigning”. Their campaign methods are integral to the spread of their influence, as Greg argues: “The BNP campaign in a way that the two major political parties completely ignore. That is, knocking on people’s doors, listening to them and persuading them why you should vote for them. A simple and yet effective way to engage with people and convince them the BNP has the right policies for the future of Great Britain”.

“The status quo plays into the BNP’s hands. Nick Griffin doesn’t want change, integration. He wants polarisation apartheid”

Ann Cryer recognises the importance of this strategy. “His [Nick Griffin’s] strength is having people on the doorstep, spreading racist lies, because he can’t be criticised for that. The people on doorsteps aren’t going to challenge him, because they’re by and large apolitical. They’re not inclined to turn around and say ‘that’s absolute rubbish’” And appearances can be deceptive: “One or two nights I was in the same area and I thought they were Jehovah’s witnesses! They were terribly neat, very sort of respectable. It was only when I knocked on doors they’d knocked on or I saw their leaflets poking through the letterboxes that I realised it was them. They do put on a very good front “.

This “front” is not always successful. A third year politics student at York described her experience to me: “When I was at home I received a BNP leaflet through the post which had a Muslim woman who was wearing a burkah sticking two fingers up in the air, alongside a dirty hospital bed and it said something along the lines of “This is why we have MRSA in our hospitals”. It was a ridiculous accusation which made me furious. I actually ran down the road to give the leaflet back to them”.

It would obviously be overreaching surely to suppose that all BNP voters don’t know what they’re voting for, that they’ve been ‘fooled’ in some way. Some might even agree that legal immigrants should be encouraged to go “back to their land of ethnic origin”, as stated on the BNP website. However as the YouGov polls show, many may merely be disenchanted with current politics, and therefore choose to pay attention to the more savory of the BNP’s declared aims. Greg highlights: “The re-introduction of grammar schools, once a lifeline for children from poor households to break the stranglehold of an otherwise destined future for mediocrity”, as an example of BNP policy. Not everyone might agree, but this is certainly more digestible than another which Greg approves of: “The re-introduction of the death penalty.

This would be a real deterrent to the gun and knife crime enthusiasts who would think twice of their actions if they knew the outcome would be the noose and not a few years in a comfortable room surrounded by an array of drugs, Sky TV, X-Box and a free gym.”

The BNP occasionally manage to conceal the dark underbelly of their thinking with claims and policies which tap into points of public disenchantment, be they true or not. One is the belief purportedly held by 56 per cent of the public as a whole that local councils “normally allow immigrant families to jump the queue in allocating council homes”- 87 per cent of BNP voters think this. Less than a fifth of the British public believe that Labour cares about their concerns. And so when a party appears to be concerned for their welfare, a people are prepared to listen, and a few are willing go further. The Independent reported that the BNP website not only attracts more visitors to its website than “any of the other major parties”, but these visitors spend more time “checking the BNP’s ideas out”, 6.3 minutes as opposed to 2.7 minutes on the Conservative website.

This is naturally deeply worrying for the other parties. Jon Cruddas, Labour MP for Dagenham, is particularly vocal on the problems faced by his party, declaring on his website that it “is time that we are honest about the state of the party. We are currently not fit for purpose. Membership has halved, organiser jobs have been cut, the activist base is in steep decline and the finances are in trouble.” He is open about the fact that “In my own borough voters have turned to the racist BNP not because they are racist but out of fear and a sense of vulnerability and insecurity. Many are simply protesting against mainstream politics”.

And Ann Cryer is at pains to emphasise that for all the BNP take advantage of the difficulties faced by the country, they do not offer solutions. One issue which she has been deeply involved in is that of forced marriages, formerly a pressing concern in her own constituency. She relentlessly championed the Forced Marriage (Civil Protection) Act, which came into effect in September 2008, giving women the right to apply for an injunction in court and prevent a ceremony going ahead. Her campaigning was also a key element in the Government raising the minimum age for a marriage visa from 18 to 21. Her attitude is therefore totally at odds with that of the BNP:

“A BNP leaflet had a Muslim woman on it… It said something along the lines of ‘This is why we have MRSA in our hospitals’”

“The BNP don’t give a damn about forced marriages, they really don’t. I challenge Muslim fundamentalists about their behaviour towards women. The BNP don’t do that because they actually want the fundamentalists to continue to behave that way in the future. If fundamentalists continue to force girls into marriage and to say, wear the burkha, it’s playing into their hands, that’s what they want. So they don’t ever go into detail about how we can stop this behaviour, how we can defend women, they’re not interested in that. I am”.

There is an element of personal interest in this. “I have three grandchildren who are half Indian and another who is half African. If we get to polarisation between the white communities and the black or Asian communities, it’s long-term going to have an adverse effect on my grandchildren. That’s a very narrow point of view, but it goes much wider. So if I see problems occurring I try to address them. I try, systematically to address problems that I think are going to have an impact on the most disadvantaged and most vulnerable members of the community. No-one has been more vociferous in arguing against the BNP than I have because I have a greater interest in it than most, personally.”

The BNP’s increased publicity in recent weeks has led to a threat of an injunction from the Equality and Human Rights Commission. On Tuesday 23rd July the Commission sent the BNP a letter highlighting three counts under which they appear to be in breach of the Race Relations act. These relate to the BNP’s constitution and membership criteria, recruitment and employment policies, and the provision of services by elected officers to their constituents. This marks the beginning of possible legal action following the European Elections, however many are astonished that it has taken this long. Comments under the letter where it has been posted on the BNP Chronicle, a non-official party website, include “Let’s call them! Let them know our feelings”, and “We are all equal as long as we are not white”.

Unfortunately on a local level there are limits to what can be done by one MP. “The status quo plays into the BNP’s hands. Nick Griffin doesn’t want change, he doesn’t want integration. He wants polarisation apartheid, and in some parts of Keighley, that’s what we have. The white community and the Asian community are playing into the hands of the BNP by having this polarised position where never the twain shall meet. I’m afraid there’s very little communication between the two communities and I can’t change that. I mean I can do my best, and I have done my best for Asian women and successfully, but to change the hearts and minds so that you get the two communities coming together, that’s a tall order.”

Karrie, a 28 year old part-time creative advertising exec and part-time cartoonist, is wonderfully charming. Having traded the high-flying life of models and target audiences for colouring pencils, she is happy and relaxed.

She speaks at 20mph, “to save batteries,” and as I realise within minutes of enjoying her overexcitable presence, exists in something of her own world – a world that provides continual inspiration for her cartoons, which have been published in the Guardian’s G2 supplement, and now The Times’s similar Times2.

Karrie’s Guardian strips, which chronciled actual events in her life, referenced everything from religious tension in her childhood home, to the pretentious North London arts scene that she found herself in after moving away from her Edinburgh home.

“The Guardian stuff was very autobiographical. I found it quite exposing. Some people were like ‘put me in put me in’. Some people were in it quite a lot like my sister and my mum. It’s even weird seeing me in it, but I’m comfortable taking the piss out of myself.”

“I don’t paint myself in a very flattering light. With other people you’re much more aware that you have to respect how they want to be perceived.”

In my favourite of Karrie’s G2 strips, Karrie and her sister board an airport buggy to speed up their transfer, before watching her father, I assume, strolls past on foot.
It is classic Karrie. Self-referential, and bizarre, but nonetheless strangely hilarious. Defining her style as “scribbley”, Karrie’s strips retain a ‘back-of-the-napkin’ feel. You can almost imagine her jotting one down as a particularily embarassing childhood memory comes to mind.

Her Times cartoons, which will appear every Monday for 20 weeks, follow a story that’s partly true, and partly Karrie-fiction.

“It’s about a girl who loses her boyfriend at this crazy party and tries to find out what happens to him – it’s a bit of a psychological murder mystery – she meets all these strange characters along the way, there’s loads of hints and clues as to what happens.”

While Karrie seems pretty sure about the plot, I’m still a little confused.

“It’s a cross between a murder mystery and… I’m not going to say David Lynch… I just hope it goes down well.”

Karrie drew the G2’s backpage cartoon every Friday for several months before finding herself replaced by veteran male cartoonist Steve Bell, due to what see calls, in typical Karrie fashion, “the darstardly recession”.

Bell, who now draws the G2’s strip every day of the week, has worked as a cartoonist for the newspaper since 1981, and represents the other, more established side of the comic strip industry.

“The female element is interesting, there aren’t a lot of women cartoonists, but the numbers are increasing,” Karrie ponders: “Persepolis was directed by a woman, and Posy Simmonds, who’s in her sixties now, she’s a British comic artist who has done really well. Still, when I go comic conventions it’s 90% men.”

Karrie’s move into cartoons, from her well-paid and highly-sought-after advertising job was a brave decision, but a rewarding one.

“I’m working part time, so while before I was working in advertising and every evening and weekend I was doing comics, now I’ve managed to go part time.”

“I’m happy, I’m on half a salary now – so poor but happy. I’ve got half the week just sitting in my room and drawing. I’m getting arthritis in my arm, I don’t want to stop it’s really good fun. I recommend it,” she giggles.

Karrie’s website, on which she publishes all her work, welcomes adult visitors, one would assume, with a childlike introduction.

The dark side, however, is not lost, as she refers in a lighthearted manner to ‘psycopaths in ballet slippers’ and ‘intimate relations with duvets’, before breezily remarking that most accounts are ‘autobiographical, believe it or not!’

‘I’m not in it for the money you see. Just the fame and glory,’ her website admits, introducing her ‘hidden stash of free comic stories’. Karrie’s personal touches are liberally splashed all over the colourful and hand-drawn portal.

A couple of national contracts are certainly promising, and Karrie’s happy-go-lucky outlook to her new-found profession – if she would allow me that – masks a definite desire to make her mark.

“I think it’s a good time for me to start out because I’m still breaking my teeth, and you don’t expect everything immediately, I’ve given myself a wee while to earn a living from it.”

“I quite like being a struggling artist. Having taken a paycut to do more comics, I’ve got to say I’m more happy. I’m not doing comics because it’s a means to an end, so I can go on holiday. That’s my message to York students,” Karrie signs off coquettishly.

www.karriefransman.com

Harsh is a rising face tailor-made for the 21st century. With her club night “Circus” and a guaranteed invite to all the right parties, she is a permanent fixture in the youth culture Bibles, as well as the gossip pages of red-tops and London freesheets. Whether handing out cups of tea to paparazzi outside Winehouse’s flat or upstaging Bruno at the recent Leicester Square Premiere, we are always aware that we are living in Harsh times.

Harsh’s time as a student in London was not typical of the experience we associate with post-adolescent life. A keen businessperson, she recognised that getting ahead meant getting noticed: “I went to London College of Fashion. I did Fashion Promotion which is fashion and journalism and PR. All the way through university I was working in clubs. I’ve been doing it for six years now. The whole way through I was going out all the time, meeting interesting people and making my way up to the top.”

The rise of Jodie Harsh coincided with what was interpreted in the mainstream media as “new-rave”, which led to a focus on the more niche, decorated nightlife in London. Dirtydirtydancing.com, a website chronicling the recent pictorial history of this scene, became the trend predictor’s dream and led to more interesting fashion becoming available at a mass level.

It also meant that its ‘stars’ (i.e. the people appearing in outrageous outfits at least once a week) found themselves at the centre of more high-profile attention. I asked Harsh whether she felt she owed any debt to this scene, but she remained coy: “To a degree it probably did help, but hanging out with my friends like Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse brought people’s attention to me. Also, what I do has always been quite a quality product. I’m never really trashy, despite the name, I just do a lot of hard work.”

“Yeah my lips are massive. They’re not Pete Burns big but they’re big. No girls look like me. Maybe Jordan”

For the moment, this work is centred on the fashion and music industries. Jodie has her own club night, Circus, which was a weekly fixture in the club kid’s diary until its recent closure: “We moved it to Shoreditch after Soho Revue Bar closed. I ended the weekly Circus a couple of weeks ago because I wanted a bit of a break. Everyone’s away at festivals over the summer. I want to concentrate on bigger nights held more sporadically.” Harsh’s pulling power as a host has never been in question, Lovefoxx, the Geldof girls and Roisin Murphy have all guest DJed for her. Circus’ biggest night ever is being held on the 4th July at Matter at the O2. Siouxsie Sioux, Kissy Sellout , Frankmusik and Harsh herself are teaming up with the underground Gutterslut club from Shoreditch.

Core to Harsh’s appeal is the visual performance that accompanies her DJing. She has scribed drag into the London fashion-conscience. I wondered whether she separated James (or Jay, as her friends call her) from Jodie, and whether they were two different personalities. She insists, though, that “Jodie is completely just a look, I don’t think I act any different, I’m just gilding the lily, it’s like my warpaint. I like to play around with my appearance. I’m like an exaggerated version of femininity because no girls look like me (maybe Jordan). I’ve got a really over the top girly look.” Harsh tells me what she’s wearing at the moment: “I really like JCDC [Jean-Charles de Castelbajac], I really like Ashish, Juicy Couture have done some cool stuff, they’re not just doing velour tracksuits! And Alexander McQueen of course, he’s my friend.”

How many celebrity friends can one person have? Jodie reassesses: “Some people I just bump into like I saw Peaches and Pixie last night at the Bruno premiere. I don’t hang out with them they’re not my friends or anything. Kelly Osbourne I see when she’s in London.” For regular updates on the activities of Harsh, her Twitter is a deeply candid, absolutely hilarious record of the people she meets on her travels through the world of celebrity. She recently revealed details of her new Juvederm lip fillers: “Yeah my lips are massive.” She tells me, “They’re not Pete Burns big but they’re big.”

Harsh’s future looks bright, and the drag superstar wants to move on to developing her career in music: “I’ve been doing some remixes for William Orbit [who most famously produced Madonna’s Ray of Light], I’d love to work with him on an actual original track, so you never know. Late this year or the beginning of next year things are definitely going to happen. I’m interested in producing new music because it’s got a lot of longevity and it goes well with the DJing. I doubt I’ll do drag forever. I don’t want to do drag when I’m old and wrinkly.” M

Traditionalists awaiting his inaugural procession into parliament squirmed as Mr Bercow appeared from the hallway wearing – gasp! – a shirt and tie, and a newly shortened gown.

Gone is the traditional train we all know and love, as well as the waistcoat, cuffs and stock and wing collar, at a total saving to the government of a credit-crunch-busting £700.

We’re certainly onto a bargain with this Speaker – by my calculations that’s enough to clean about a third of MP Sir Douglas Hogg’s moat. However, this fashion move won’t come as good news for those MPs mindful of unemployment statistics. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rather sheepish looking trainbearer (now, thanks to Bercow, without a train to bear) soon becomes the next Brit to join the dole queue.

“In terms of Commons chit-chat, this is pretty groundbreaking stuff…”

Along with his fashion reforms, which will, no doubt, fill the pages of Glamour magazine for the next few weeks, Bercow has also changed the feel of debate in the Commons. From Michael Martin all we could expect was “order, order” or the occasional “let the Prime Minister speak”. To be honest I don’t think people were really fussed about Martin’s involvement in the expenses episode, I think they just wanted a bit more banter.

Bercow has certainly delivered on that front… well… at least as far as Commons Speakers go. He seems to nuance every call for order that he gives just in case we lose interest. We had “you must calm yourself, it’s not good for your health!” at one point and “Order! I know it’s the third time but perhaps it’ll be third time lucky!” at another.

In terms of Commons chit-chat, this is groundbreaking stuff. Bercow is on fire. He hasn’t done badly for himself this week in general to be honest. Several MPs started off their questions to the House with statements of praise for the Speaker, sometimes even boardering on the flirtatious. “You know you’re getting old when the speaker starts to look young” is a personal favourite.

To my surprise, our very own Mr O’Brien has opted not to cover Bercow’s extremely important fashion reforms in Muse this edition. I can’t think why.

Naturally, a product that enhances productivity, massively reduces the need for sleep (a couple of hours per night is apparently more than sufficient) and improves working memory is prime fodder for the black market. And so modafinil spread, amongst office workers, those in high powered jobs for whom eight hours spent asleep are eight hours wasted, and found its way across the Atlantic, before long falling into the hands of those most diligent and pressurised workers, Oxbridge students. From Oxford and Cambridge, it found its way north, to the University of York campus.

We spoke to three York students, Charles, Nick and David, who spent just under a week taking modafinil, noting its effects and seeing whether it did in fact live up to its reputation as a sleep-banishing wonder drug. A friend of theirs who has chosen to be referred to as ‘Tim’, had taken it before.

“I first took the drug towards the end of the Easter term. It’s the stress of being a Science student that made me want to try it. I’m a fresher, but my exams count towards my final grade this year. Keeping up a first year lifestyle and getting a first seemed pretty much impossible any other way”.

Although it sounds like an ‘extreme’ version of Proplus, or other more hardcore substances, modafinil is not thought to be an amphetamine-like stimulant. It is considered by researchers to be more a ‘wakefullness promoting agent’, and besides the more directly sleep-related uses it has medically, has also been applied successfully in the treatment of cocaine addiction, depression, Parkinson’s disease, and schizophrenia. Charles says: “Choosing to sleep was always an option. The drug didn’t make us feel like we were stuck in a constant state of wakefulness. It was more like we just chose not to sleep”.

As Tim describes it, the effects appear miraculous: “In a typical modafinil-fuelled night, I take the drug with dinner, go to the pub with my friends and maybe watch a film, before getting in at around 1am and working for another eight hours. It’s a productive way of living; it lets me be sociable and academic at the same time.”

For the others the experience was entirely new. Compared to other substances which might find their way into student hands during their time at university, modafinil appears at first glance relatively harmless. It does not increase your heart rate, or your risk of getting cancer, and there is no evidence that it affects the likelihood of developing degenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s. A closer look reveals a few short term problems however. Some users develop skin rashes or headaches, and the body (if not the mind) still exhibits signs of sleep deprivation, which can become serious for those who stay on the drug for too long. Modafinil apparently also dramatically reduces the effectiveness of oral contraceptives. All being male, and undeterred by the possibility of rashes and headaches, all three agreed to take it for the same five days, noting the effects on themselves and comparing these with the other’s experience.

“She stayed awake for sixty hours, sleeping for just four. She ended up fainting from exhaustion and woke up blind”

At first there was no obvious difference. Charles says “People talk about the modafinil buzz, but there’s no high in the traditional sense. I was able to concentrate more easily, like my memory was improved. I could stay awake all night and do nothing but work without getting bored. I wasn’t ‘high’ so much as ‘enhanced’”.

On the first evening, each took a 200mg tablet of modafinil. According to Charles, “After an hour, none of us felt any different. But then I started to feel markedly more alert. I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a placebo, but then Nick became uncannily good at computer games, beating his friends three times in a row at Pro Evo. It was no coincidence.” David by contrast maintains that at first he found it difficult to concentrate on anything, claiming he felt “too energetic”. Modafinil coincidentally, is a banned stimulant in competitive sports; various athletes who took in the 2004 Olympics were later stripped of their medals after testing positive for the drug.

It’s clear why modafinil has also proven so popular in the academic pressure cookers of Oxford and Cambridge. Varsity (the Cambridge student paper), reported that around one in ten students studying there have admitted taking prescription medication such as modafinil without a prescription. The obvious applications of modafinil academically range from using it in an exam situation to increase alertness and thought processes, or whilst writing essays or sitting open exams to maximise the potential number of working hours. A member of the Board of Examiners at Cambridge nevertheless reserved judgement as to whether taking modafinil could be considered cheating until it was catagorically proven that taking the drug would put students “at an unfair advantage”.

To judge from what David, Charles and Tim say, it almost certainly would. Charles remembers the first night ‘under the influence’: “Nick and I did our seminar reading in record time, then headed to a friend’s for drinks and a film. By 7am I was starting to wonder if the whole thing was just a placebo and in reality I’d just pulled an all nighter. I was keen to see how true this was, so I went to bed and didn’t set an alarm, to see how long I’d sleep naturally. I woke up at 8.30 and felt fully refreshed, as if I’d had a full eight hours. I got to my 9.15 seminar on time and found it easy to grasp even the most complicated issues that were discussed.” Nick furthermore reports that all of the work he did without sleep was done “as well, or better as it would have been if I’d been ‘clean’”.

According to a government study quoted in The Times, modafinil, whilst increasing wakefulness, concentration, planning and decision making skills, gives subjects “no obviously toxic effects”. It is nevertheless known to be a habit-forming drug. Academic and Welfare officer Charlie Leyland is vociferous in her condemnation of its use, saying, “I would be wary of any performance enhancement that claims to reduce people’s need to sleep, a clear meddling with a person’s normal biological clock, which is bound to come with either short- or long-term repercussions. I can’t stand the thought of students coming out the other end of the uni-machine with a less independent work ethic than on entering.”
On their second night both David and Charles continued to be “ridiculously productive”, Charles after a total of ninety minutes sleep, David still not having slept at all. Amongst other things David managed to “sort out my photography – took loads of photographs the night before, complete a blog entry, do some writing and all of my seminar work”. In the spirit of scientific exploration, Charles decided to check his reactions “using the highly scientific ‘one person drops a ruler and the other catches it between their fingers’ method. My reaction times were twice as good at 2am than they had been at 6pm. My heart rate was the same, and I felt good in myself”.

There is a catch, however, as a student in York found to her cost. A friend describes: “With a Friday psychology exam looming, she stayed awake nearly sixty hours, sleeping for just four. She aced the exam, it’s true, but later in the evening she fainted from exhaustion and woke up blind. It took the longest two minutes of all our lives for her eyesight to return fully, and she developed shakes like I’ve never seen, which we couldn’t stop. She was fine the next morning, but it’s still a powerful warning”.

For Nick too the experience had already turned sour, the “short term repercussions” becoming all-too evident. After twenty hours without sleep, as the first day drew to its close, he was mid conversation with David when “my nose started to bleed uncontrollably. Blood was gushing, I completely freaked out”.

“I was mid-conversation and my nose started to bleed uncontrollably, blood was gushing. I completely freaked out”

Despite this unsettling experience Nick returned to a computer room and worked until the morning, simply plugging his nose with tissues as it continued to bleed. The following morning at breakfast with David, after a “completely erratic line of conversation”, Nick says he felt “drunk and paranoid”. Although the others at that stage had displayed no similar signs of disturbance, Nick felt that it would be prudent not to take any more pills himself.

Modafinil remains a comparatively little-understood drug, and people can react to it in a variety of ways. After he’d slept, Nick says, “I can’t really remember precisely how I spent the night. My whole feeling of how time was passing completely changed, it was like everything was happening more quickly”. Other smaller individual differences included those in appetite. Modafinil can have an appetite-suppressing effect, but of the three I spoke to, this was only the case for Charles.

“I found my appetite seriously diminished by taking modafinil. I took to skipping breakfast in favour of a light lunch late in the afternoon.” David experienced the opposite effect. “I ate like an animal. I had all three meals during the day, then two more at night, and a cheese toastie break at 5am.”

It appears that as long as you sleep for a short time each day, whether you feel tired nor not, then the ‘rebound’ coming off modafinil is negligible. A major danger seems to be the fact that whilst users feel no need to sleep, that does not mean that the need is not there. Charles, who slept for about two hours per night over the course of the ‘experiment’, finished with no discernible ill effects. For David on the other hand, it was a different story. By day four, having cracked and taken an hour’s sleep the previous night, the modafinil lifestyle had begun to take its toll. “My mental reasoning was extremely poor. I struggled to focus on conversations and remember what I was talking about, and I missed the day’s seminars. My eyesight went weird and I started wearing glasses, which I hadn’t had to do for ten months.”

“Physically, he looked rough, says Charles. He was completely exhausted, his cheeks were pasty and grey, and his body was exhibiting clear signs of sleep deprivation.”

That evening, David’s body finally caved. Stumbling back to his room after meeting some friends he passed out, waking up on the floor 14 hours later with no memory of how he got there. Charles chose not to take modafinil for a fifth night in a row, since, inconveniently, it does not mix well with alcohol, and he wanted to go to the Willow. Naturally though as a drug with a largely student fan base, this does happen from time to time. Tim, as a more ‘regular’ user has tried this before, and when probed by Charles to describe the experience would go no further than to say (mysteriously) “It fucks you up man”. He did however warn Charles Nick and David not to try it themselves.

Though Nick stopped early, it is possible that further symptoms may have manifested had he been less prudent. It is all too tempting to take full advantage of the perceived ability to continue indefinitely without sleep, as David learned to his cost. Friends of theirs, having heard about their experiment, tried modafinil for themselves.
“One friend tried the drug just once, and was plagued by serious, mind numbing headaches. Another couldn’t sleep for two days, despite spending 8 hours in bed per night trying.