David Duncan, Registrar of the University, and John Greenwood, Head of Commercial services have created a grant to get students qualified in coaching. In return they will be asked to volunteer on or off campus after they have qualified.

The University administration are said to be very keen on the plan as it impacts on a number of key action areas. It is hoped that the newly allocated funds will lead to improvements in volunteering, employability, development and links to the local community.

In previous years York Sport’s budget for such programmes approached £10,000 but the in recent times the purse strings have been tightened, which makes the new grant more impressive.

The funds will be placed under the budget of newly appointed Head of Sports Keith Morris but clubs will be able to ask the York Sport committee for the funding with the committee’s decision being based on how beneficial granting them money will be to all parties in the long-term.
York Sport President Sam Asfahani has reacted positively to the news saying: “It’s great to see sport high up on the University’s agenda and a real desire to push sports at York.”

Third year Badminton player Talfryn Provis Evans concurred with the YUSU sabbatical officer saying: “I love playing badminton and it would be a great experience not only to learn the fundamentals of coaching my sport but to then put those skills to a positive use with freshers or the local community.

“I think it’s a real step forward for the University and in a time of recession it’s comforting to see that schemes such as this, that much such a difference, can still thrive in the current climate”.

YUSU Volunteering officer Hannah Brearley has also responded to the prospect of increased finances by saying: “this initiative is a fantastic opportunity for student volunteers to do something new and exciting in a field which they clearly love to participate in.

“A recent volunteering survey shows a lack of diversity in the volunteering community, and this is something we have been working hard to remedy, but this initiative is a massive step in the right direction.

“Volunteering is getting more important in terms of CV bolstering, as is involvement in sports teams and gaining extra-curricular qualifications. This initiative will create incredible opportunities for York students, and I am excited to watch its inevitable success.”

The Mixer wouldn’t change it for the world. Sure, it can get a bit wearing seeing the cogs turn in a loyal team member’s head as they think of a suitably banal reason why they can’t possibly cover the lacrosse seconds on a freezing December afternoon.

Sure, having to passive- aggressively coerce said team member into knocking up 400 words on such a fixture doesn’t always feel “moral” especially when they have a degree to do – but The Mixer was doing God’s work.

Speaking of God’s work, there is an element of fanaticism to editing this beguiling, beautiful beast of a section.

Normal people dance and chat and drink – The Mixer spent evenings debating the merit of David Ambrozejczyk moving back into net for Alcuin firsts with a brilliant man from Blackburn.

Students eat pizzas and get sick on the dance floor of an odd Chinese restaurant marshalled by a roided up bouncer with minimal respect for the rule of law.

The Mixer extolled the virtues of the woman’s basketball team, wondered whether a fencing promotion was possible and found solace in the company of commited band of people whom we could never thank enough.

They know who they are and, knowing them, they probably want a shout out so that everyone else knows as well.

It would, however, take many more words than this to properly thank them all. They are all tireless, hardened hacks capable of sniffing out a story like an Italian pig searches for truffles.

If there was a picture to be taken they would be there, if graphics were needed they’d turn up flawless and informative and if the Nouse server needed re-starting from a Rugby League ground on a Nokia 3210 then it would get done – just don’t ask us how.

Getting a response to your work is an incredibly gratifying experience, one that reminded you there was a world out there and made it all worthwhile.

The Mixer has been lucky enough that the sporting community at York is one of the most encouraging, engaged and gracious groups of people in this twee little chocolate box town.

Every so often there were negatives (“You know nothing you stupid ginger twat and you wear weird jeans. And shit t-shirts. And you can’t take penalties”) but for everyone of those there were kind words about podcasts that we didn’t even know people listened to and sentiments of thanks for meticulously updated Fantasy Football leagues (Cheers, Fairbs).

In short; it’s been a pleasure. A monothlithic, knackering and all- consuming pleasure. Now, thankfully, it’s time to hand on the baton.

There were times, when the Yorkshire rain hammered on our notebooks and the inky tendrils of our writing mixed with the salty pools of our tears and we thought about jacking it all in.

We thought of leaving the consistent glitz and glamour and the crush of groupies. And we resisted.

Because, as Dolly Parton once said; you can’t have a rainbow without the rain. And people said she was just a big pair of tits.

Perhaps it’s the smell of desperation in the air, perhaps it’s the sound of freshly unpacked Jack Wills gillets rustling all over campus or maybe it’s just the simple joy of being young and alive.

Whatever the reason it’s a season to be anticipated and revered for the macabre spectacle it provides.

As cash registers become fat through the sale of alcohol, soon to be vomited up all over Mickelgate, and the fresh meat are treated to the sounds of, amongst others, the Pigeon Detectives, it’s a week that also raises many questions.

Why are the Pigeon Detectives being allowed to play live music? What is a Pigeon Detective? Who is responsible for booking the Pigeon Detectives? Do they think the Pigeon Detectives are good or are they being wilfully objectionable? Can they be put on trial? – are just some of them.

Most of the other posers are being considered by worried sports captains, petrified that the void left by their star centre back, who has finished Uni and is on a graduate scheme at Costa Coffee, will remain unfilled by the arriving cohort of spindly youngsters.
The Mixer urges optimism. We have such faith that York has been blessed to succeed in everything it does, apart from University league tables, that we know this year is going to be something special.

For every second row that has headed for pastures new an implausibly beefy public school boy will take his place and play with sincerity and dignity whilst showing respect to women on club nights out.

If a opening bowler is on a year in industry then a gangly fella who steams in to bowl at 80mph will slot seamlessly into the attack and, like the impeccable team mate he is, will bring along a tupperware box of sliced florida oranges to every match.

Decimated college football lineups will be augmented by members of the Barcelona youth system who shunned the vacuous lifestyle of a professional footballer to study Management and Accountancy in this fair city.

The pitches will stay dry, there will be passionate, talented referees at every match and we’ll win an away Roses at a canter befitting of a seaside donkey.

Trust us it’s going to happen, maybe Brian Cantor will take a pay cut as well, or at least look less disdainful of the masses of students populating his fiefdom.

We may not be the best judges though. You see, it’s been a tiring year for TM and we can only stagger onward toward the finish line of our term in office in the knowledge that maybe there’s someone out there waitindg to step into our shoes.

So roll up John Motson’s grandson, come hither Henry Winter’s illegitimate love child ushered off to Uni under a veil of secrecy – we need you.

It’s only fair isn’t it? After a year of giving your all at goal attack for the netball team your captain wouldn’t turn to you and say “Sorry Tabitha, no-one fancies it, stick your bib back on and forsake your degree for the 121st best University in the world”.
So prepare your CV’s, ready your suit for interview and then stow them away for when you’re trying to get a proper job. Anyone will do.

The Mixer would like to make a heartfelt and profound apology on behalf of some of the other “talent” that scribbles stuff on these hallowed pages.

It has come to our attention that, whilst TM works tirelessly to bring you half a page of ill-conceived witticisms every three weeks, some other members of The Nouse Sport Family have been taking to the airwaves and hoisting themselves to a great height by their own petard.

We always knew podcasts were a bad addition to the welter of content provided. TM is an old fashioned paper man, used to the feel of ink under fingernails and the sounds of battered type writers.

A recent podcast just proves that all new media is evil. Sitting around a laptop in someone’s bedroom talking about college football was only ever going to end badly.

With this incident in mind TM has decided to implement a new code of conduct that all members of the Sport team will now have to adher to. Here it is:

1. Think before you speak – There is nothing worse than saying something silly that is then recorded for posterity on the internet. Thinking before you speak will mean that you can remain safe in the knowledge that you haven’t made any big claims or cocksure promises that then have to be fulfilled in front of a lot of people on a hot astro turf.

2. Remain calm at all times – Rising to the jibes of co-presenters will invariably mean that you will say something without thinking (see point one for advice). In this scenario, in a bid to assert your point of view you may make a claim that you later have to back up in tense circumstances. An example dialogue follows: “ I want to see you step up and sky that penalty”. “I wouldn’t really mind taking a penalty. I often score them. Your hopes are entirely unfounded.”

3. Never cast aspersions on demonstrably better footballers than yourself – Doing this will only cause anger, bitterness and incredulity. Ruminating on how good a postgraduate must have been “back in their day” infers, regardless of intention, that you think they aren’t very good now. No amount of backtracking or earnest explanation will be able to save you.

4. Your co presenters will always tuck you up – Be assured of the fact that if it is humorous to do so your words will be twisted so that they don’t really resemble their original meaning. Learn from these examples and do not provide any thing that can be used against you.

So there is the new set of standards. We promise to uphold them in the future and we can promise that there will be no embarrassing outbursts any more. There will be a strict penalty imposed on any writer that does not conform to the guidelines. They’ll be dispatched from the team quicker than a Dom Green spot kick hits the back of the net. Even David Ambrozejczyk won’t be able to save them.

Tweets of the week

@tomragz
@nousesport also cannot say how much of a fan of the ‘bollockhead’ shout in the podcast. Good work.

@yawkody22
Scoring 2 in 2 is the best thing that’s happened since coming to Uni this year.

@georgebouras
Kallum Taylor’s screams of “DAKKERS GET WARM” ring around the JLD… #collegecup

@uyrufc
Cocoa in hand, all tucked up; nothig beats a nice night in*
*Completely fictional

The Mixer is happy to be the mouthpiece of the regime. It is our sole purpose to spout the carefully engineered propaganda put forward by the Asfahani administration.

Our pages have often heralded the unalloyed success of the glorious leader. Reports about 3G pitches? That was us. A new sports centre? That was us too. The fact that satisfaction was up by 35% after a decision to abolish dissatisfaction? Anything you say, Mr President Sir.

But TM has had enough. We are sick and tired of not being sick and tired with a certain York Sport Supremo. Why can’t we be given subjects to rant and rave about? That is why we have decided to make a stand.

Published adjacent to these words is a compromising picture of The Leader of People’s Rupublic of the 22 acres. He may have started the popular uprising and taken us from under the yoke of our capitalist, imperialist masters but he isn’t immune to some tabloid style scandal.

We found this image of him with an unidentified brunette stunner, rumoured to be a member of his cabinet. The Leader himself preaches a gospel of abstinence so what he is indulging in with the mystery lovely, one can only guess.

So now we’ve set out stall out. It’s all change at Nouse Towers. No more pandering, the revolution is here. We’ll take to Market Square for 14 days if we have to.

Overheard at elections

TM: Well done on your win
Successful candidate: Oh, sorry do I know you?
TM: Well, no, I write for Nouse sports
Successful candidate: Oh, ok, thanks.
Ouch. Very ouch.

Moment of the week

Another win for men’s rugby firsts, away at Sheffield, carried on a fine run of form. They face leaders Manchester this weekend with such a long injury list that Brian Cantor will line up at blind-side with Jane Grenville at full-back.

Lowpoint of the week

The referee in the men’s firsts football against Hull was surely Mark Clattenburg in disguise. Not content with ruining Premier League matches he’s stooped to BUCS matches as well. He tried to book a spectator for crying out loud…

Photo: BBC

Weir all in this together

It was once said that football is a gentleman’s game played by thugs while rugby is a thug’s game played by gentlemen. UYRUFC captain Tom Weir did nothing to dispell that theory as he appeared on BBC’s Mastermind last week, answering questions on Orde Wingate and the Chindits.

TM was quite taken aback as Tom went head-to-head with John Humphrys, his every facial expression betraying his true emotion. One particular highlight was the skipper’s knowing smile when asked which Premiership Rugby Union side were nicknamed the Tigers. No worries on that one.

One could forgive Weir for not winning, his side face a fixture pile-up that makes the chaos in the Middle East look merely inconvenient.

Sportsmen do like to show off their intelligent side, footballers Neil MacKenzie and Clarke Carlisle appeared on Countdown while the latter also made an appearance on Question Time, facing up against the likes of Alastair Campbell and Vince Cable.

Let’s see the reverse happening now please, forget Strictly Come Dancing, next Christmas let’s have Strictly Come Rucking. Weir can use his TV experience to good effect to host alongside Gabby Logan as Gino D’Acampo, Anne Diamond, Matt Goss, a dick from Big Brother and Josie D’arby pack down against messrs Cox, Hartley, Sheridan and co. TM would rather watch that than most of the shit served up these days.

You have to feel for Andy Burton. Somewhere on the 1st of February the suspended Sky Sports News presenter was sitting, sobbing gently, surrounded by total, desolate silence. Where there was once the constant hum of ringing phones (Burton reportedly owns 12 Blackberrys) now there was just loneliness and despair.

The most recent deadline day was made for Burton, a man who thrives on meaningless speculation. Imagine the scenes: Burton, foaming at the mouth, screaming in a studio link up section with anchor Jim White “ANDY CARROLL MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN A HELICOPTER WHILST FERNANDO TORRES IS ON A HOVERCRAFT HEADING FOR WEST LONDON”.

Regardless of the silly season tag attributed to the final day of transfers there were still long periods of nothingness for the beleaguered BBC and Guardian live bloggers to fill. The tactics they employed to combat moments of boredom were perhaps the most fascinating updates of the day.

They varied between anti –news, i.e. news that had never been confirmed that was still not happening, such as the earth shattering update that Diomansy Kamara still hasn’t moved to Kilmarnock on loan. When it isn’t non-existent nonsense being held in the bullshit crucible known as the internet, valuable cyber space is given over to the hackneyed opinions and rumours generated by fans. Lines like “If Carlton Cole is going to Newcastle for five million (invariably he isn’t) I’ll drive him there myself! He’s bloody useless!” are chucked around with wilful abandon.

Any rumour goes on deadline day. On one blog they published one from a Leeds fan suggesting that, given his contacts with Paul Scholes wife’s hairdresser, the ginger maestro was heading to Leeds United. Statements like this should really be greeted with the same outrage that would occur if I posted a rumour stating that David Cameron was gay just because he wore a pink tie to PMQs. Instead they are given credence even though every sane football fan knows they are utter rot.

Maybe it’s a sense of escapism that drives the self deception. For Brighton fans the brief thrill they get from imagining a world in which Nicky Butt is going to come out of retirement and head down to the Withdean because of an affinity with the seaside is a shelter from a world of monotony.

Hopefully Burton will be restored to his rightful place as transfer window anchor, standing in the face of the cruel gust generated by it ‘slamming shut’. Every rumour that Robbie Keane is about to put pen to paper on a deal with his 114th club will be covered. Every story that gives false hope to expectant fans will be hugely over played (“Huge Chelsea news coming out of Cobham, Jim … Jeffrey Bruma is considering a loan move to Leicester City”). The most ridiculous thing about deadline day was not the 35 million pounds paid for Andy Carroll, it was that Burton wasn’t there to cover it.

Footballing thug on the loose

Image: Justyn Hardcastle

Have you seen this man? The wiry, ginger one? He might look like an effeminate and frightened young man but it would appear he is, in fact, the spirit of Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris. Described by another student newspaper as a “sometime campus sports journalist”, one half of TM has thrown down the pen and the notepad in favour of actually playing football.

Picture the scene, it’s Arsenal 1-1 Tottenham, York resident and BBC commentator Guy Mowbray (Thanks for not getting back to our interview request, BBC. Thanks very much. Licence fee certainly vindicated…) has had enough of describing the game to the viewers and decides to don his boots. Wenger’s having none of it but Mowbray barges on, does the universal symbol for substitute, tells Alex Song to sling his hook and takes his place in the Gunners’ midfield.

Mowbray might be alright at football, as the aforementioned ginger fop who strolls the left wing for Derwent is, but where will this madness end? There has never been a clear distinction between players and pundits – see Redknapp, Savage and Townsend as examples of this – but this crossing-over only ever takes place one way. We can’t let any old “campus sports journalists” don their boots and play. Next thing we know Alan Green will be at left-back for Brighton and Jimmy Armfield will be replacing Charlie Adam at Blackpool.

Needless to say, in some quarters, messrs Mowbray, Green and Armfield would be out of their depth. Sure they can write up a hackneyed 500 words on how Torres will need to work with Drogba in order for Chelsea to succeed but can they, as fans so delightfully sing, “get into ‘em, fuck ‘em up”? It would appear that these “sometimes campus sports journalists” have the ability to mix it with the best of them. Mindless violence that would make De Jong and van Bommel proud.

The footballing world has reached its silly season. Big name signings are being “spotted” at train stations up and down the country, anonymous youngsters are being touted as wonderkids and, due to incessant phone calls, the wife of Robbie Keane’s agent hasn’t been able to sleep for weeks.

Not only is the transfer window open, it seems we seem to be in the middle of an undesignated sacking window. Mike Ashley, ever the trendsetter, started it all off with the sacking of the seemingly too nice Chris Hughton. Since then 13 other managers in the football league have been forced to sit at home all day, settling down in front of Jeremy Kyle and/or adding to the number of people visiting the internet’s most popular sites.

Perhaps they all get together. It makes a nice image. Hughton would probably offer to host, they would turn him down though on the basis that Laws does a brilliant lasagne. So they’d all go round to his, it wouldn’t take long, they all live in Cheshire these days, regardless of where they work. Big Sam Allardyce would probably be cracking jokes, he told a great one with him and Real Madrid recently.

They could share stories of their sackings and how badly treated they had been at their clubs; Kevin Dillon (recently sacked by Aldershot) would probably be ignored on the basis that nobody really cares. Imagine the faces of this group of out-of-work managers when they learned that the-very-possibly-mental Roy Keane had been given the boot. As interesting as Keano is, you don’t want him at your house, he’d probably snap your suave IKEA light in half on the basis that it was being lazy.

TM likes the idea that they’d all get a nice send-off when they left the ranks of the unemployed in order to take up another managerial post. Imagine the party that will be thrown if Gareth Southgate ever gets himself another job.

So if you do find yourself recently sacked from a Football League club, give Bryan Robson a ring, he tends to organise these events. Console yourself with the knowledge there will be another job soon and if you get chatting to Gary Megson try your hardest to appear interested in his inane ramblings. He’s only trying his best. You might even get a job soon.

Fabregas unaware there are no points for style

One half of TM is an ardent Ipswich fan. If that upsets any readers who believed there was an omniscient, omnipotent and benevolent being who took time out to contribute to a student rag – then apologies. Why stop now, I hear you say? The other half supports Charlton/Leeds/Stevenage. Some may call him a gloryhunter but with those clubs he is really anything but.

Photo credit: Ronnie MacDonald

Anyway, TM digresses. Watching my team deliver a tactical masterclass to Arsenal last Wednesday was up there with the best experiences of my life. I fall short of calling it ‘the best’ because I once received a prize for spelling from my local MP Julie Kirkbride; now that, my friends, was something special.

When you’ve beaten one of the best teams in the world you feel good, so to hear Mr Cesc ‘I don’t even start for Spain’ Fabregas liken our style to that of “rugby” was pretty upsetting. This was the man who had been outplayed by Colin Healy, a man who comes as near as any footballer ever has to being discovered as part of Channel Four’s ‘Faking It’ series. To quote numerous pundits, “at the end of the day, football is all about winning”. I feel like Jamie Redknapp having imparted those pearls of wisdom.

It might seem ludicrously simple but it’s a fact that has appeared to have evaded Cesc. It doesn’t matter how many times you nutmeg an opponent or run half the length of the pitch juggling the ball on your head, the winner is the team who scores the most goals.

He also had a pop at the carpet that is Portman Road – Head Groundsman Alan Ferguson (winner of Groundsman of the Year no less than five times) would not have been impressed. So, Cesc, stop mouthing off and deliver the goods. You should have hammered little Ipswich but you didn’t – and for that you have only yourself to blame. The only problem is, like poking a bear, Ipswich have now riled the little Spaniard. He might very well humiliate us. I’m just nipping off to London to park a coach in front of Marton Fulop’s goal…

The Mixer is a big fan of charity. We think that uber-telethons where the world and their D-List wife turn up to promote their latest album, tour or work-out DVDs are works of unalloyed altruism not seen since they days of St Francis of Assisi.

York Sport as a body are not unused to selfless acts. Every week they bust their proverbial humps to make sure that the myriad administrative duties needed to make BUCS fixtures run smoothly are completed. Just ask the Rugby firsts.

That’s why it was no surprise when York Sport President Sam Asfahani stepped up to the plate, or pole, to deliver a lesson in the innate beauty of fluid movement and grace, unmatched since the days of Darcy Bussell or Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

Not content with attempting to revolutionize Heslington’s sporting micro-climate “Sam the Man”, as he shall henceforth be known, has now turned his attentions to saving the world, one sensual, American Football tinged pole dance at a time.

Sport has always played a role in charity of course. Where would the developing world be without Robbie Williams’ hollow, vanity project football matches such as this year’s Soccer Aid?

Those who accuse Robbie, mainly famous for pointing the microphone towards the crowd at his gigs, of using the matches as a chance to knock about on the same turf as some of his footballing idols are simply missing the point.

The point of the projects is to raise awareness. Awareness that Jonathan Wilkes should never, in the name of all that is holy, be allowed on the same patch of turf as footballing demi-god Zinedine Zidane.

TM may mock Williams’ efforts but at least his self-serving nonsense actually raised some dough. If only Premiership footballers could bring themselves to do the same. In 2007 Dr Noreena Herz launched the Mayday for Nurses campaign urging footballers to donate just a day’s wages to health workers working in circumstances that were not reflected by their £19,000 starting salary.

Problems were reported in the collection of the pledges, rather like when a younger sibling comes asking for the sponsored walk money you promised them and you mumble something about not having change before making a hasty exit.

Not only that but certain clubs decided to opt out almost entirely, presumably as conscientious objectors to the hateful dogma of helping nurses. Chelsea made a cursory club donation, rather missing the point of the gimmick that made the fund such an interesting idea, and Arjan de Zeeuw, then of Wigan, was the only Latics player to contribute.

Perhaps they flung the needy public service workers some JJB merchandise instead or gave them some tickets for a home game – Jesus knows the locals don’t want them. The atmosphere at the DW Stadium is akin to a particularly sombre James Blunt gig.

To try and rescue sports reputation in the domain of human kindness TM has selflessly donated this column to the cause of unashamed cyncism and bitterness. You can thank us later.

URGENT NEWSFLASH 1

Had the ball used in the Derwent Wentworth game been a shard of glass, and had it cruelly lacerated an innocent child then a real tragedy may have occured. When will red cards end this chaos?

URGENT NEWSFLASH 2

Sales of cotton wool have trebled amongst college footballers as terrified players seek to minimise the inevitable maiming they will suffer upon entering the cauldron of fear/hate that is the 22 Acres.

What a start to the season it has been for sport at York. TM has rather enjoyed itself, one particular highlight was all and sundry, including messrs Asfahani and Ngwena attempting to dislodge a rugby ball trapped up a tree. Nobody was successful. We could call the fire brigade to get it out for us but they have had their ladders taken away from them by George Osborne. Bastard.

If Osborne wants to find a bit more cash for the national coffers, he could rather grumpily threaten to walk away from the country, wait for the press and David Cameron to get all upset about it, and then sign an improved contract. While TM understands that Osborne isn’t on a weekly wage of £180,000, we are aware he’s a wealthy man and if, as he claims, we’re all in this together, he could just take a few pennies out of his pocket to fund grassroots sport. If Cameron is such a fan of Association Football, as he so awkwardly claims, he would surely be happy to see community funding for sport increased? Or is his talk of football just an attempt to please voters?

Rugby is a man’s game. None of this diving or feigning injury that takes place on football fields every weekend. The physicality of the game is the main reason TM decided to pack it in at the beginning of Year 9, the coach wasn’t happy but the lure of ‘private study’ in the library was far too attractive to turn down.

There are times however when the more sensitive side of the game displays itself. Times when the macho facade slips and the “laddish” culture is stripped bare – literally. It is rare that this happens, thus it’s a special moment and as the picture to the right proves, TM is there to catch all the highlights and lowlights of the season. What a bum note to end on.

Sacre Bleu! – Pires at Crawley?

Photo credit: My Alternative Photos

If TM told you that former Arsenal player and leading exponent of Gallic indifference Robert Pires was in the frame to sign for Blue Square Premier outfit Crawley Town, you would be justified in questioning what hallucinogenic we had been quaffing.

The possibility of Pires’ shambling gait being on show at the Broadfield Stadium is, however, not a chemically induced reverie but a real possibility.

After shuffling and pouting his way out of Spanish football, the 36 year old is back training with Arsenal in an attempt to shape up for one last fling in English football – regardless of division it would seem.

Although you would think that a plethora of jobbing British managers at mid-table clubs, all of whom seem to have a penchant for signing aging continental enigmas, would jump at the chance to sign dear old Robert it seems that they have all ignored his (tabloidism ahoy) “Come and get me plea”.

So what now for the man who came to embody France and its cheek puffing, shoulder shrugging nonchalance in a way that only a pack of Gauloise or Marie Antoinette could?

Surely his talents would be better served forming a Super-Group of preposterously French footballers with David Ginola and Manu Petit. They could tour the country, S-Club Three style, winking at middle aged ladies and waving imaginary yellow cards at pedestrians. Expect them at Fibbers soon.

On a serious note why won’t a top flight club take a chance on Pires? Sure, he won’t boss games with the imperious flair of old but I would wager a sizeable sum of money on the fact that he is still better than Karl Henry.

It may be a gamble but, by the same token, signing a clean living, committed professional who never relied on pace anyway is not as risky as leaving your car outside Kevin Nolan’s house. Peter Taylor didn’t show half of this reluctance when he eagerly signed Ade Akyinbyi.

So, Ian Holloway, Tony Pullis, Sam Allardyce – I implore you to sign Robert Pires. Grant TM the simple joy of seeing a man who looks like he should be in an advert for John Paul Gautier play in a league of gnarled angry men once again.

Moment of the Week

Games won with the last kick of the game are always special. They’re even more special when the aforementioned kick caps off a resounding comeback. From 33-10 down Tom Weir’s rugby firsts came back to win 41-38. Lovely stuff.

Lowpoint of the Week

The women’s fencers fought tooth and nail to clinch promotion to the Premiership last season but were not confident going into their first game of this season. Some expected a hammering but York lost out by one point. Ouch.

Going, going, going…

STAYING! The songwriters of the Hokey Cokey loved Rooneygate as nothing has ever mirrored the classic line of ‘in, out, in, out’ more than his contract saga. Rumours that Ferguson made him sign the contract at gun-point are unproven.

We didn’t worry too much; we figured the hero’s welcome we were bound to receive upon arriving at Heathrow would make up for it. Imagine our shock when our plane from Delhi actually landed in Luton. We arrived to no reception at all and weren’t even able to watch our winning moment on TV the family had chosen to record Autumnwatch instead.

The Commonwealth Games eh? What a load of rubbish, might as well have a competition for countries beginning with G.

Gary Lineker has it all. He’s remembered as the finest poacher since Bambi’s mother’s murderer. He gets to sit and spout banalities about the Premier League for money on a Saturday night and has a lucrative sideline in potato based snacks for no discernible reason. Not only that but recently he went around the world, courtesy of the license fee, to find out what we already knew for a documentary entitled “Can England win the next World Cup?”.

As much as TM loves dear Gary – his conspiratorial method of presenting and salt and pepper barnet are divine – we need a medical expert, not an ex-footballer to answer that question. I say a medical expert because a serious neurological study is needed to find out why the best English footballers suddenly seize up in the face of national expectation, a stern Italian or a pack of sprightly Germans. It’s certainly not because we just produce players who are technically inferior to their continental counterparts.

Perhaps they could take a lesson or two from the University rugby team. They take their pre-game tension out on York’s myriad of night spots. Why don’t the England team go out attired in a variety of overpriced brand names, fight with people in sweaty clubs and indulge in rabid promiscuity. Oh wait…

TM would like to make some predictions for the coming year. Not predictions about the wider world of sport, that would be boring, but predictions about sport at York. Don’t worry, TM isn’t about to make some serious predictions;

1. Langwith will turn up short of players – People will laugh, but they’ll still put in a half-decent performance and Bruce Starkey will score.

2. Halifax will crack under pressure – Nobody is doubting they have the best players. They have a midfield that even TM couldn’t break into and a line-up that is oozing with quality and yet, like the New Zealand rugby team, they will invariably fail when the pressure is on.

3. Roses will be amazing – It’s the time when everyone comes together; old, young, male, female, sportsman, journalist. OK, so TM exaggerates, but you get the picture. TM feels like Baz Luhrmann when he does the Sunscreen song. York will be fantastic, and you will enjoy sport but TRUST ME on Roses, it’s incredible.

4. There will be a controversy – Whether it is a questionable initiation or a promotion that does not happen because someone forgets to make a crucial phonecall, something will go awry. Don’t criticise York Sport too harshly though, at least they didn’t organise the travesty that is the Commonwealth Games.

Comrades

This is transmission from great palace esteemed leader Kim Jong-Il with news that divine leader’s national team is to enter world renowned University of York College Cup in the year of our great leader 2011. For uneducated swine, York is small village five thousand miles from Democratic People’s Republic universe.

Following brilliant victory in World Football Series Championship 2010 in capitalist compliant state South Africa, Kim Jong-Il royal XI now step up to prove superiority of great communist doctrine on grand 500,000-seater JLD Astroturf arena theatre of dreams. Team will train on running track and in gym chosen by irrelevant capitalist compliant states Gambia, Senegal and Mali for 2012 Olympic sports pageant in honour of esteemed leader Kim Jong-Il.

Great heroism of team to be relayed on People’s television network although there may be possibility of two or three day delay completely unrelated to capitalist minnow state rumours of interference. Most definitely to do with editing of capitalist state mouthpiece YSTV. People’s totally non-propagandist newspaper – Vision – will relay facts in most accurate manner, though score may be wrong.

Early predictions from Kim Jong-Il grand palace are of glorious victory over capitalist compliant reprobate Alcuin. People’s Republic secret service have completed scouting mission with result that most great hero defender Ri-Jun Il (though not as great as great leader) will have Joe Cooper in his pocket (apparently this is English expression). Resounding glorious victory will vindicate merit of tyrannous whip, chain and summary execution training ground techniques and diet of rice and fish. Unfortunate accident will befall chief Alcuin playmaker (another term of little-spoken language English) Ali Laird.

Then great Kim Jong-11 will crush capitalist minnow Vanbrugh and silence mouth of Dan Hewitt who is in league with insignificant terrorist ship-scuttling neighbour state South Korea. World’s greatest striker Hong Yong Jo to score most glorious hat-trick and revive tremendous spirit of year of our great leader Kim Jong-Il 1966. All hail the Great Leader!!!!

CENSORED

GOOOALLL!!

DIVINE LEADER…

Final to be with isolated devil nuclear state Halifax before great crowd of converted capitalist citizens of York. Great cacophony of noise and colour in name of glorious Kim Jong-11!!! Inevitable Halifax (capitalist) cheating to be overcome by performance of unshakable resolve, spirit and determination in name of our worthy cause!! People of York to be awestruck by beauty of People’s Republic football. Best player of universe Jong Tae Se to earn man of the match accolade by popular consensus after spectacular five goal blitz. All hail great Kim Jong-11!!!

Please do now return to jobs great benefit PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC and please God-like leader.

End Transmission.

The Mixer’s Crystal Ball

As another year draws to a close, TM dusts off the crystal ball and summons all kinds of psychic forces to predict the forthcoming year of sport at York:

- Rugby firsts to be reprieved of relegation on administrative technicality as secret midnight operation by perenially tracksuit wearing third team lackeys severs opposition phone lines
- Sam Asfahani surprises teams with blank cheque after negotiating sponsorship deal with shady Arab consortium. York Sport declared bankrupt within the month as squash take liberties on caviar and goose meat
- Roses held three weeks after Lancaster’s term ends in location which might not have been made totally obvious during planning meetings
- Five snap up rights to the College Cup. Pat Nevin sits in truck in sports centre car park but earns £50 fine
- Observant Vision reporter notes College Football occurs every weekend. Still stays in bed
- Tim Ngwena invents iPad app to perfect croquet technique. Wipes floor with everyone
- Strawpedoing becomes ratified York Sport club

In order to assert their financial dominance, the club have booked all five of the Sport Centre courts until 2056, much to the chagrin of the local commoners.

After securing lucrative sponsorship deals with Bugatti, Krug, Prada and Rupert Murdoch, the club were approached by beleaguered Bank of England chief Mervyn King asking for a bailout.

Elsewhere, the similarly wealthy rugby club are planning a summer tour which takes in New Zealand, Tahiti, Bognor and the Moon.

Looking on from the Sports Hall at the Most Glorious Kingdom of Squash, the Volleyball club, playing in tattered rags with a ball of recycled Blu-Tack over a net constructed of chairs and a ladder remarked: “Can you spare any change?”

The football team are also facing a tough year following budget cuts. Without enough money to even afford someone to clean duck shit off their pitches, the club are apparently resting their hopes on an imminent takeover by a Russian oligarch. He’s currently going through the rigorous York Sport ‘fit and proper persons’ test.

TM will keep you updated.

Football’s duck shit dilemma

The Mixer has learnt that last week’s football firsts’ game was moved as the referee decided their pitch was not up to standard. This was due to a large amount of “geese droppings”covering the field – apparently a health and safety risk.

TM assumes the referee is new to York University, and therefore hasn’t seen the general state of our duck ridden campus. If he did, he would surely have to advocate cancelling of lectures, evacuation and – seeing as he objects to crap on a football pitch – banning Langwith from playing in the college league.

More concerning perhaps was the reluctance of the men’s team to move, causing a full blown argument on pitch with the referee.

Apparently undeterred by the prospect of playing in a field of shit, they stated that moving pitches would reduce the quality of the game.
TM wonders what advantages there are to playing amongst excrement. Will those slide tackles become just a little bit easier? The passing a little faster? Or were York hoping that it would distract their opposition, like some messy variant on the Liverpool beach ball incident? TM dreads to imagine.

College football mystery man

Freshers week, and in a fleeting hour of sobriety, a mysterious man decides it will be a novel idea to attend his college’s football trials. Sadly, after shanking several shots into adjacent fields in the style of the timeless John Smiths adverts, his attempts at Derwent football stardom fade to the backdrop of mocking laughter.

Undeterred, our intrepid hero swaps university cards with his perma-inebriated flatmate and heads for the Wentworth try-outs safe in the knowledge that they will always need someone without shame to play for them.

Unfortunately, after a few crunching Dan Horsfall tackles, our mystery man again finds himself unwanted and heads to the next college in search of ninety minutes.

After he was rumoured to have made an appearance at university trials, TM, armed with pipe and magnifying glass, has got on the case. Keep tuned for the next instalment of Sherlock Holmes and the case of ‘have boots, will play.’

Flying High

Derwent have scored nine goals in just two matches to storm to the top of the league. Dreamz Murphy has netted in both of their games, apparently unaware that you’re meant to leave university after you finish a degree.

Mid-table Mediocrity

The three 1-1 draws on Sunday must rate as some of the most uninspiring ever seen on the 22 Acres, almost as good as last weekend’s postponed fixtures. The teams seem to be stuck either on one or four points.

Going down

Langwith’s defence is leaking more than Rosamund Wood in front of a dictaphone. Nine goals conceded in two matches suggests the Yellow Submarine is sinking. Never mind guys, there’s still plenty of points up for grabs.

Straight ahead, in shocking defiance of Alex Lacy, who is awkwardly on stage mumbling something about inclusion, YUSnow are collectively slurping cheap table wine from their loafers (see helpful picture, right). It’s barely 8pm and the decorum York Sport had tried so poorly to encourage had gone the way of Gaz Coleman’s credibility.

During the dessert, rowdy rugby players, with welfare-radar Charlie Leyland aghast, imposed an impromptu cutlery ban the likes of Yorkshire hasn’t seen since the invention of Sheffield. Mike Callis, gasping for breath following his inexplicable decision to noose himself with bow tie and normal tie, assumed the stage and demonstrated how to hoover the standard issue slab of “98% chocolatey” chocolate (Nicholas Waite soundbite no. 137) without hands in 2.3 seconds flat. The evening’s suffocated class had stopped kicking and screaming.

As Paul Guest was starting to regret taking Kate Copson along with him, so started the time-consuming process of issuing colours – sorry generic yellow certificates – to commemorate excellence in pole dancing, tai chi and hill walking. The gloomy procession was clearly awkward for Lacy, who didn’t recognise anyone he was congratulating and didn’t receieve a great deal of gratitude for handing out photocopied post-it notes.

Flying High
Halifax College: Once again York’s largest college has romped home to the college title, which sort of makes sense if you think about it… With six Sports Reps and Emily Scott’s persuasive squeak, they’ve got plenty of organisational foundation and excelled at last week’s sports day.

Mid-Table Safety
Alcuin College: A magnificent second for Alcuin breaks a terrible run in the college standings. College coordinator Paul Guest has been behind most of it – literally, in fact, as he has played for most of the teams. It’s certainly something to build on for a college with great, but often unfulfilled, potential.

Relegation Zone
Goodricke College: Third from may as well be bottom itself with Wentworth and Langwith holding up the rear, and for a college that finished first in 2006 and second in 2007, that’s a pretty poor effort. With a move to Heslington East in the pipeline, their is some hope for ‘Gricke.‘ But don’t hold your breath.

Top totty in this year’s TTTOY
This year of sport has indeed been an excting one for girls across campus. Those torsos have been out in recent weeks, glaring gorgeously in the suns reflection. Being a university of the north means those bellies are hidden for longer in the winter months, growing bigger with the mince pie intake and mulled wine. Yet TM finds it even more of a delight when the sun releases its rays and allows beauty to be seen at its most lovely… topless. So the big question is, who is the topless torso team of the year, or as TM likes to call it, TTTOY? After some hard debate, and spying with a pair of cheap binoculars at various games, the TTTOY award must to the mens firsts tennis team . The chizzled bodies of the foursome are enough to melt any ice cream from a scary greensleeves music-playing van. Let’s hope the new tennis courts will give the team even more reason next summer to allow the Achillies’s and Hercules’ of York to be fully released to York’s female population. Don’t say girls don’t care about sport! Congrats boys.

TheMixer’s crystal ball
Making use of all manner of psychic powers, TheMixer makes a few predictions for the sporting year ahead:
- York Sport to abandon their black and gold kit rollout, as Emily Scott favours a more fetching pink and yellow number.
- Tiddleywinks, Asking Directions, Persistent Complaining, and Danger Monopoly to become York Sport ratified activities.
- Tiddleywinks to achieve record number of colours handouts after winning Roses in front of 10,000-strong crowd.
- Hockey firsts to win a game… well, actually maybe not.
- Man on street finally understands Lacymatics. World ends.
- Joe Cooper finally hits target after six months of flak from the general university community.
- Lancaster campaign to include streaking, inflatable banana heist and goalmouth urination as competitive sport in Roses build-up.

Produced by York Student Television, released under a CC BY-NC-ND 2.0 license

Credits for YSTV: Matthew Tole, Simon Jones, Chris Northwood, Anna Bucks, James Keal

Flying High
Goodricke Seconds outplayed Vanbrugh Firsts in the one of the biggest ever cup upsets a couple of weeks back to give themselves a fantastic shot at reaching the quarter-finals. The way that ‘Tank’ had University Firsts captain Matt Witherwick in his back pocket all game was a sight to behold.

Mid-Table Safety
Alex Cooper put in a decent performance against Halifax Thirds but has struggled for Fantasy Points so far and his reputation demands greater input. The man with the wizardly left foot has so much class that if he raises his game, he could dominate the knockout stages.

Relegation Zone
That’s right, you guessed it, Vanbrugh Firsts are in the relegation zone this week…the whole lot of them. Witherwick is joined by the rest of his underpeforming team-mates – sluggish at the back and in the midfield and bumbling up top. They can still rescue their Cup, but it’ll be jolly hard work.

Group 1 (N.B. all data correct on Sunday Week 6)

Group 2

Group 3

Group 4 ** (Halifax deducted 1 point for fielding an ineligible player)

Voting open until Friday at www.yusu.org/vote

Treasurer

Rosamund Wood

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

Participation in sports at York has many benefits, from increasing basic healthiness to providing a justification for dressing up in a ridiculous costume in Ziggy’s. Without the York Sport committee the variety of sporting activities and levels in which students can participate wouldn’t exist, and I’d like to be involved in maintaining and developing the facilities and opportunities we have, and encouraging as many people as possible to take part in something which offers huge enjoyment.

What are your policies?

Increased Budget Transparency: on a termly basis make available to all club treasurers what funding is available from York Sport, and where the money we have is being allocated

Closer Relationship with Fundraising: moving the position of York Sport Treasurer toward a closer partnership with Fundraising Officer and the Development and Alumni Relations Office to increase funding available to our sports clubs.

Treasurer Training: to allow the treasurers of clubs greater autonomy within their own budget allocation and to try and minimise the need for emergency bail-outs, thereby freeing up funding for club development.

What should Sport at University be about?

Enjoyment. From trying a new sport for the first time, through the rivalry of college sport, to thrashing Lancaster thanks to hours of training, sport at university should always be fun.

Who will you support more: big clubs or little clubs?

I don’t think the question here should be all about the size of the club. The new budget allocation system being implemented for the coming year will ensure that our big clubs receive enough funding, without throttling smaller clubs’ chances of development. As I’ve said before, I’d like to see the position of York Sport Treasurer work more closely with the Fundraising Officer– this is something I’d also like to see happen in club committees. I think we should attempt to support those clubs which try to support themselves.

Stephen Chu

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

Being an active member in sports and having great interests in finance, the position of York Sport treasurer was very attractive for me. It would get me more involved with the sporting community, and I believe I will gain very valuable knowledge for future references, having the opportunity to apply my expertise in a running organisation.

What are your policies?

My main interest will be the welfare of students, trying to broaden the incentives for students to take part in as many ports as possible financially. So besides from just the lack of interest in the sport, finance wouldn’t be a huge problem for students to attempt something that they have an interest in and prevent the development of a skill.

What should Sport at University be about?

I believe sport at University should truly be about the taking part. There are many sports that students would be trying for the first time, and every student should have the opportunity to sample each and every sport they wish. Competition is required at a certain level, but there needs to be an environment for students to progress before that level, which is why sport at university should be friendly and all about the taking part.

Who will you support more: big clubs or little clubs?

I strongly support the existence of big and little clubs, but I probably support the little clubs slightly more. This is because I believe it is the little niche clubs that make university sports unique. Sports such as football and rugby will always have supporters, but less heard of sports need a greater financial support to allow it to keep running and help publicise their existence to gain more members and general support.

Development Officer

Dane Moore

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

In short, I want to be a part of York sport on a bigger scale than just one club, full time. I want to put something back into York sport and help make sport, as a whole, a better experience for people and in turn this leads to better results.

What are your policies?

Increase participation in sport.

Emphasis on clubs advertising, targeting complete newcomers to a sport as well as previously experienced people.

Taster sessions encouraged after Freshers’ Fair.

Help introduce sports that are in demand by the members of our university. For example arranging dodge ball tournaments for Freshers’ week

Ensure success of the ‘Try Something New’ programme

What should sport at university be about?

Any given individual can’t answer this. I think that sport in University is purely based upon the individual’s desires. Some people may want a competitive direction in sport, taking part at top levels. For others it’s all about a more casual approach, taking part when they feel like it.

How will you get more people at York playing sport?

I think that the main task in order to promote sport in York is to show there are many sides to sports other than cliques and competitiveness. Sport needs to be shown to people in a light that makes it fun and where they can feel comfortable. This will go hand in hand with the ‘Try Something New’ programme.

Should college sport be weighted towards participation or performance?

In my opinion these two will inevitably link. Initially college sport is all about just taking part, having a good time enjoying sports with friends and in turn making new ones. However as people carry out sport they will undoubtedly increase in performance and this could result in an ability high enough for university level participation, therefore having college sport feeding into university sport.

Sam Asfahani

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

I take great pride in my sport, representing both university and senior level as well coaching Great Britian Youth in American Football. I understand the difficulty of playing a minority sport and attracting people
to try a new sport and want to help the university encourage more students to get into new activities.

What are your policies?

I want to help all clubs, especially smaller clubs, to produce effective publicity to attract new players to their sport.

I also want to encourage minority sports to get active within the community in order to raise the profile of their sport.

What should sport at University be about?

It should be about student athletes representing their university with pride. And it is the role of YorkSport and YUSU to encourage and help these students. We also must help other students to try new sports and activities in order to not only improve our community spirit but to also encourage a fit and healthy student population.

How will you get more people at York playing sport?

I want to help all clubs, especially smaller clubs, to produce effective publicity to attract more students to their sport.

Encourage more than one sports fayre throughout the year, creating an opportunity for clubs to advertise their sport to a wider audience.

Finally, we must work on increasing crowds at sports fixtures so that all clubs have a higher profile on campus.

Should college sport be weighted towards participation or performance?

College sport is one of the best things we have at York. Encouraging participation and improving college spirit, it is a great symble of our collegiate system. As a JCRC Chair, I believe that college sport is important towards getting people out of their kitchen and getting involved. I believe that college sport leads to performance and college sport is a great way for university clubs to discover talent. We should encourage more sports, that are capable, to create a college equivalent.

College Sport Officer

Paul Taylor

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

I am running for a position on the York Sport Committee because I want to make a difference to people at the University. College sport has provided me with so many opportunities to play sports I’d never even tried and enabled me to meet so many people during my two years here, and I want to help pass this feeling on. I also want to improve participation with greater advertisement, something which I helped to achieve on a smaller scale within Vanbrugh college while I was sports rep.

What are your policies?

My policies are firstly to sort out the college sport section of the York Sport website. This is yet to be used to it’s full potential and will help massively with the organisation of college sport at the University. Secondly I want to advertise the one day events much earlier. These are a great opportunity for people who do not play other sports to simply have go at something new, and without the early advertisement, these people usually miss out, with the same people competing every time.

Finally I want to push for new sports to be included in the inter college sport championship. Rugby and a football 3rds league are already part of the way there, so with some help we can look at ways of including these next year. I will also look at ways to trial other sports which have similar interest.

What should sport at University be about?

Sport at University should be about enjoyment. Particularly college sport, which is an opportunity for people who are either too busy, not interested, or not quite good enough for University level. University sport takes a big commitment, but is a great chance to make good friends and play at a competitive level. For me though, as an average sportsman at best, college sport has given me the chance to participate in every sport I could want to, and bought me great enjoyment too.

How will you strengthen the link and encourage movement from college sport to University sport?

I will encourage University captains to either participate or watch college sport as regularly as they can. I have been through this movement with football, and found it difficult to make. This is no-ones fault, it is purely that individuals who make the commitment at the beginning of the season should have priority over college sport players. I would encourage captains and presidents to also be involved in refereeing or umpiring college sports, as this is a great chance to talent spot, as well as develop a link between University and college level.

Will you push women’s football to become a greater college sport focus?

I would be interested in trialing a 5 a side league for women’s football next year. If that was to go well, with participation from all colleges, then I would look at ways of expanding it. But I believe that other sports
are much further along the line of development. For instance, due to the hard work of college presidents, I want to help continue the growth of college rugby. Men’s football 3rds already have a league which they have organised between themselves too, so I would prioritise these, while still trialing the women’s football.

Paul Guest

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

I feel that I am the right person for the role as my involvement in college sport for the last 3 years (and as sports rep for the last 2 years) has given me a great insight into all college sport. Having played in nearly every college sport and worked with all the captains of each sport as a sports rep, I have a good understanding of the different perspectives involved in college sport. Working with the captains of all the college sports and having a fair amount of communication with the sports centre, I understand what improvements are being looked for by both sides of the programme.

What are your policies?

All Sports reps will be given handbooks at the start of the year (these
will include fixtures and rules for every sport).

I want to work with the sports centre, together increasing involvement in college sport.

As I have helped do with College Rugby, I would find out which other sports are not officially college sports, but have the interest to become part of the college sport programme and help them achieve this goal.

I think there should be more recognisable awards, trophies and acknowledgement for both individuals and teams for their college sport achievements.

I will work with every college to ensure college sport recruitment drives in Freshers week next year, as well as set-up further events in spring and summer term.

The college sport points and tables will be updated regularly and being made available online and for all student newspapers.

What should sport at University be about?

Sport at university should primarily be about enjoyment! There must be a balance between involvement and competition. Making sport available to everyone, encouraging anyone to have a go at different sports is one of the main aspects of college sport. Then University level competition is where the elite players are able to compete.

How will you strengthen the link and encourage movement from college sport to University sport?

Good links between university and college sports are Barbarians matches that have been held already for both rugby and cricket. They have been seen as antagonistic on occasion, but I think they are a good way to give the most talented college players an opportunity to test themselves against the elite university players. Consequently the university teams could then scout any promising players and ask them to join their squad. Having more publicity and acknowledgement for college sport would be another way for the university teams to be able to be able to scout talented players.

Will you push women’s football to become a greater college sport focus?

After the one day tournament this year there was a lot of interest to push women’s football, so I would make it a priority. Find out just how much interest there is throughout all the colleges; then work with the sports centre, the Uni team and the college sports reps to decide the best way to further women’s football as a college sport. I would do this with any sport that has enthusiastic players who want to have their sport become a bigger part of the college sport programme.

College Referees Officer

Kate Copson

I am running for a position on the York Sport Committee as already, after just two and a half terms at University, I have taken on several organisational sports roles (particularly at college level) which I am thoroughly enjoying. I feel that being on the York Sport Committee would be the perfect opportunity to do more for college sport. I am currently a James College sports representative and am well aware of how college sport is organised and what could change for the better.

As a keen sporting fresher I feel that finding out about college sport is not as easy as it should be. I would like to change this by improving the publicity of college sport during fresher’s week. For James College I am
putting forward the idea of stalls outside halls for different college sports so that fresher’s can walk past and sign up. They will then be on a college sport mailing list and can be informed of training and fixture
times. If I was elected onto the York Sport Committee I would push for this to happen in all colleges. I also think participation in college sport is not as high as it should be. While college sport is taken seriously and
everyone wants to win, it needs to be made clear to everyone that the reason we have both college and University level sport is to increase participation, not so that the University players can do both.

How would you tackle the issue of abuse to referees? How far are you willing to back the ref when he/she faces dissent from players and/or the crowd?

After having played and watched several different college sports I have never come across dissent from the players strongly enough for it to be of concern. However, if this did start to occur it would be necessary to remind all players that college sport is meant to be fun and that the referees are there to enforce the rules, which, in turn, enforces fair play and enjoyment. If extreme cases were to occur then York Sport could ensure that all referees hold advanced and up to date qualifications. This would ensure a professional standard and should decrease any abuse aimed at referees.

To what standard should referees be expected to enforce the rules? Should they be as strict at a college level as they would at University level? How can you ensure consistency between matches?

In general I believe college sport should be refereed as strictly as University level sport in order to minimise disagreement and conflict. However, a good referee is able to judge the ability of the players and referee accordingly. It would be unfair to referee a college seconds team as strictly as the University firsts if they clearly are unaware of the rules or simply not at a good enough standard to be able to abide by them
properly. As long as the refereeing is fair on both sides I do not think it is a problem for college sport to be refereed according to the standard of the players.

Tournament Secretary (Two positions)

Isobelle Miller

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

After much participation in both university and college, sport I now want involvement on a broader scale; so that I can have a direct impact on the experience of others that want to partake in what York Sport has to offer.

What are your policies?

WIN AWAY ROSES 2010: If we win away Roses 2010 it will be the first time either university has won 4 years in a row. I’m determined to see it happen.

INCREASE SUPPORT IN LANCASTER: I intend to organise and make students aware of the transport available sooner, so as to attract greater support.

IMPROVE THE PROFILE OF VARSITY: Last year it was cancelled due to a backlog of fixtures, therefore in 2010 I want to bring it back in a big way. Thus, I would start arrangements with St. Johns early to ensure: Firstly, as many sports as possible can compete on the same day. Secondly, the variety of sports can be
increased, i.e. by including new clubs such as cheerleading. Thirdly, large crowds of supporters.

What should sport at University be about?

Whether it is competitive or uncompetitive, university sport should predominantly be about meeting new people, trying new things and learning new or developing existing skills.

Part of the role is to start planning Roses 2011. What would you like to see happen in 2011 bar a York win?

Roses as an event is growing year on year and I want to see this development progress to 2011. I would like to see greater publicity and more of the added extras that turn a weekend of sport into the ‘Roses
experience’, ensuring that the whole University turns out to support York Sport and our sports players.

Do you support the Varsity competition between us and York St. John, and if so how would you run promote the competition, given it’s cancellation this year?

I strongly support Varsity. As stated in my policies, I would start arrangements with St. Johns early to ensure: As many sports as possible can compete on the same day, the variety of sports can be increased, i.e. by including new clubs such as cheerleading and large crowds of supporters. I think Varsity has the potential of being as big as Roses, its profile just needs to be improved through good organisation and
publicity.

Adam Shergold

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport committee?

To make sure that our wonderful sports teams continue to receive everything they need, whether it be in terms of welfare, financial or other resources, to compete regularly at the highest level and achieve their aims. Fundamentally, to ensure all teams can prolong their enormous success during the last 12 months.

What are your policies?

As York Sport Tournament Secretary, I would ensure that our teams receive everything they need while in Lancaster for Roses 2010, allowing them to compete with confidence and deliver a fourth successive victory. This includes organising transport for York supporters at reasonable costs.

In addition, I would start laying the foundations for Roses 2011, creating a working committee exclusively for this purpose. Early preparations would ensure a repeat of this year’s highly successful event.

Returning Varsity to our sports calendar is another priority, expanding the tournament over a whole day (reminiscent of the Saturday at Roses) and incorporating as many sports as possible. In addition, increased publicity and media exposure would ensure this isn’t merely another BUCS Wednesday.

On a more day-to-day basis, I would take steps to make sure all sports teams have the resources and finances to compete in national competitions. The first step towards this is to make the York Sport committee more approachable to all clubs and improve communication with club presidents and coaches.

What should sport at university be about?

Winning…

Part of the role is to start planning Roses 2011. What would you like to see happen in 2011 bar a York win?

A well-organised competition that brings out the very best in both universities. So, scheduling which allows as many people to watch as possible, unforgettable social events on two evenings, higher publicity around campus, the very best media coverage and efficient stewarding (including removal of the litter left on 22 Acres). The early creation of a Roses sub-committee for 2011 will allow all potential problems to be overcome in good time, meaning a highly successful and well-appreciated tournament can be delivered.

Do you support the Varsity competition between us and York St. John, and if so how would you run promote the competition, given it’s cancellation this year?

I fully support Varsity and, indeed, would like to see it more valued, with more sports and athletes involved spread over at least a whole day. There needs to be increased publicity, both through propaganda
and the campus media to ensure Varsity isn’t merely another BUCS Wednesday. One of my first actions will be to guarantee Varsity will take place next year through communication with St. John.

Rory McGregor

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

I think my passion for sport is the main reason I am running for a tournament secretary. Although my major sport is rugby, I am a keen golfer, and have participated competitively at football and tennis. I feel my pro-active nature, organisation and persistence are all key qualities needed for success in this position. It is my aim to use these qualities acquired through my roles both in and outside the university to help all clubs within York Sport compete in tournaments throughout the year and arguably on the biggest university stage in Europe.

What are your policies?

Having participated in this year’s Roses, I can appreciate the effect big tournaments (and particularly big crowds) have on both participants and spectator’s university spirit. For this reason I would like to see the return of Varsity in the form of a one or two day competition with large university support. Similarly I would like to work closely with all individual clubs to enable one day competitions with both local clubs and universities.

In terms of Roses 2010, I think we all agree that we must go to Lancaster with an army of black and gold and enable them to see as many of the sporting showpieces possible. I would ensure preparations for the next home Roses in 2011 get underway immediately to allow for the best and most successful Roses possible.

What should sport at University be about?

Sport is a major aspect of university life. It creates healthy competition, drive, motivation and enjoyment. It is vital that all who want to participate in sporting activities are able to at a standard which suits them best, be it inter-college, or university level. However, I am firm believer that success creates enthusiasm and enjoyment, so we must strive to enable our teams to compete at the very highest levels.

Part of the role is to start planning Roses 2011. What would you like to see happen in 2011 bar a York win?

I have spoken to numerous students in numerous sports clubs about this year’s Roses. One of the grievances I found was due to the scheduling of events, therefore I would like to try and enable the major sporting events to be in time slots where others aren’t. The second grievance I found was due to the costing of the two events of the Roses weekend. I would like to work closely with both events and fundraising to enable more York Sport events throughout the year thus allowing tickets for the evening to be subsidised and a larger spectacle put on.

Do you support the Varsity competition between us and York St. John, and if so how would you run promote the competition, given it’s cancellation this year?

It is vital for Varsity to run this year; firstly because it would be a spectacle of sport that the whole university could be proud of; and secondly so we can prove yet again that there is really only one university in York. We have to work together with York St. John to arrange a date that suits both of us equally to enable the competition to go ahead. As previously stated I would like to see Varsity over a one or two day format similar to Roses with as many sports at all levels competing. I would work closely with communications so we can promote the event both around the university and around town particularly with our sponsors.

Communications Officer

Lewis Colam

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

I think that the York Sport committee does a great job in facilitating and promoting sport on campus and I would really like to get involved to help increase its effectiveness and raise its profile.

What are your policies?

Firstly I will ensure clear communication between York Sport and clubs. I think that the current system of using members of the committee to liaise with clubs is a good one but that in the past there haven’t been the resources to chase up any clubs that do not attend meetings or respond to emails. Therefore I will personally visit any club who is not responding to ensure that they know what the committee is doing and that their views are adequately represented. I will also have an office hour to give the clubs a new way of involving themselves in York Sport.

My second policy area will be to raise the profile of sport at York. This will be done by having an introductory article in one of the major campus newspapers to advertise the workings of York Sport. I am also a big fan of the York Sport show and I will continue it. Finally I will attempt to involve local media in some of the larger sporting events like Varsity. I hope that this raises the profile of campus sport to involve spectators from off campus.

What should sport at University be about?

I think that sport at University should have a cohering effect mixing people who otherwise may not have met and involving the students at large in support for the success of clubs in the BUCS leagues. Roses this year was a great example of campus-wide support for sports teams and I would like to use my role as communications officer to increase student support for clubs on a weekly basis.

How would a communications officer have helped this year?

I believe that a communication officer would have helped this year by ensuring that all the clubs knew what was going on within the committee and that all their views were properly represented. I think that when this did not happen it created friction as was seen in the rebranding incident. As previously mentioned, clubs that did not communicate with the committee were often left out and I feel that my role as communications officer will help to prevent this happening again.

Fundraising Officer

Thomas Weir

My main ideas are:

Helping clubs, particularly smaller and newly founded clubs, find as much sponsorship as they can. This can be from Bar, Kit, Taxi or any other possible avenues of sponsorship.

Work towards gaining a sponsor for York Sport, not to be imposed on unwilling clubs but help raise more money to support those clubs less well off.

Provide support for clubs fundraising events such as BBQ’s, raffles, drinks/food sales and other events.

Work with the communications officer and alumni services to get a greater level of communication and involvement with the former members of clubs. Particularly I would like to set up regular newsletters from each club detailing the goings on within their club.

Extend the sports nutrition sponsorship I brokered for the rugby team to include the whole of York Sport.

I have good experience of fundraising and sponsorship, and this year I have managed to negotiate a deal with Sci-Mentor Nutrition that is benefiting the rugby club. I have recently been working on producing an alumni newsletter for the old boys of the rugby club, as well as organising the rugby club Roses advertising in my role as Press and Publicity secretary.

As well as representing the rugby first XV this season I am an active college sports participant and always willing to try my hand at anything.

I feel I am the best person for this Job as I am committed, well organised, a good communicator and above all have a passion for sport. If anyone has anything they would like to ask me please don’t hesitate to get in contact, and I am always open to any ideas people might have to help.

Matt Thomas

Why are you running for a position on the York Sport Committee?

Over the past 2 years at the University of York I have always been involved in activities, ranging from college sports to competing for the university, that involve York Sport. I am dedicated to the progression of sports at all levels at university, and would like the opportunity to have an input in organising and developing this.

What are your policies?

Principally, I would like to obtain a sponsor for York Sport, not to beimposed upon all clubs, but to help further develop the progress of York Sport’ organisational capacity. In addition, I want to maintain the
sponsorship for Roses and pursue sponsorship to bring back Varsity. Finally, I would propose to act as a liaison with clubs to offer advice regarding gaining their own sponsorship deals.

What should sport at University be about?

Obviously sport at university should be enjoyable, however it is also essential that it is passionate, hard-fought, competitive and fair.

Should the emphasis be on increasing club fundraising or increasing York Sport fundraising?

I believe the role should entail gaining sponsorship to help York Sport develop its organisational capacity, however at the same time I propose to offer advice to clubs as to how to go about raising their own funds through sponsorship contracts.

Heart pounding like a jackhammer and eyes standing on stalks in a manner similar to a child confronted with a candy store closing down sale, TM perused the Friday schedules with moist anticipation. Roses is here, Roses! Bloody hell! It was also Alex Lacy’s birthday (age undisclosed), but ROSES! What to watch first, what unknown sport to sample. Choices, choices. TM plumps for the cricket, nice genteel English sport for starters, let’s not get too carried away…

11am, straddling the boundary rope in the glorious morning sunshine, eyes transfixed on the freshly mown grass, which radiates a beautiful perfume. Yet nothing happens and yet more nothing happens. Turns out it’s a 12.30 start now, damn schedule is wrong. Oh well, not to panic, nothing missed. In for the badminton, the Sports Hall is awash with activity: shuttlecocks arcing majestically through air, the very air hung with sweltering tension, the swoosh of racquets therapeutic, the squeek, squeek of the white trainers on the polished wood surface. OH Yes!

Phew, calmed down now. Outside for the Ultimate Frisbee, how thrilling! The curve of the flying disc as it fizzes through the air in the drizzle, the deft flicks of the wrist, the vision, the intelligent tactics, the thrill of reaching the endzone. Lord, better stay out in this monsoon to quell my bubbling excitement…

Yet, there’s more to come, more sport. TM makes the mistake of going to the indoor hockey. End-to-end action, the slamming of sticks, the hacking of ankles, the brightly-coloured strips, oh good lord I’ve come over all queer. Just can’t handle this quantity of sport shoehorned into one day. Going off to lie down in a darkened room…

DAY TWO

Hmmm, day two, eh? Rugger boys, nudity, lots actually, and the sweet smell of churned up 22 Acres grass? Enough to give TM that tingly feeling usually reserved for the age-old joys of the Grand National and Match of the Day.

The early news is that good old Capitano Cantor has demanded – with some ostentation, mind – that the rowing is moved back and forth and back…and forth and back again; supporters neither coming nor going. Why, TM asks one of the friendly, if slightly brighly coloured, steward fellows, should this be so? Swine Flu? Or have those pesky bladder problems bitten our esteemed leader, too? Nasty things those, from personal experience, and do certainly involve planning trips carefully in advance. But no! It seems he simply felt like a change might be fun for those dignitary-doodles from Heslington Hall. Suit you, sir, TM is heading off to the ballroom for some sexy rumbas and a bit of cha-cha.

But, alas, TM’s floppy sword is forecfully requisitioned by a raucous rambunchkin from Lancashire en route. Those rugger boys, always shoving in where they’re not welcome. Bah. Good old Mikey Callis will teach them a thing or two. Heard he eats children with his chips, that man. Wonderous. What’s that now? They’ve painted the Roger Kirk white? Getting everywhere, this wash.

So, with the Student Union elections fast approaching, and five potential York Sport presidents to keep us entertained, TM sent three politics-mad spies to the sports centre to find out who the students want to win. Now, it would be vaguely excusable if in Market Square a few biology students here and there didn’t know the names of that famous five, but surely the sporties care how much they’ll have to pay in York Sport membership next year? You’d be surprised…

Thursday three o’clock, pearly turnstile gates shining brightly in the afternoon sunshine, a light breeze tickling the lush green, astroturfed JLD and the sweet smell of campus politics accosting the nostrils. But well over half of the 133 iron-pumpers, six-a-siders, occasional badmintoners and lacrosse-clad gamesters didn’t even know who the candidates are, let alone suggest a potential winner.

Oh, the apathy! But here’s the worst part: the voters aren’t actually to blame. The day before, a Wednesday, BUCS fixture day – the day that the majority of students that actually care about sport can all be found in one place – and the only candidate out campainging was the “committed” and “enthusiastic” (see useful poster) Emily Scott. Where art thou Stash? What keeps from us your graceful presence ‘our Sned’?

It all got a bit too much for Viking Kath Mildon, this campaigning lark, and she pulled out two days after ‘wetting’ appetites (water sports on the lake anyone?) in a room full of ‘our Sned’ louts and Jason Roses’ mates (ok, you got me, just a few Sned louts) at the hustings on Tuesday. The prospect of spending more than a few hours talking to us voters is too bitter a pill to swallow for these Lacy wannabees it seems.

But a few political masterminds did share their wisdom with TM. Emily Scott and Sneddon are tied after attracting 15% of the remaining votes. They are closely followed by Gemma Johnson and ‘Stash’, but a gap is quickly emerging.

Quite frankly TM wouldn’t mind too much if a few of the others followed the Viking’s lead and were replaced by someone a little more charismatic; like Mike Callis, or even Anton ‘Dreamz’ Murphy, for example. At least they might provide some salvation for our bedraggled hockey team on the lonely Wednesday nights in Northern Conference 3B next year. Why should I vote, get me a drink, I’m getting sick, of candidates that stink.

Everyone’s Right to Play

All this talk of elections is but a puff of smoke in the spring breeze, though, when compared to the Right to Play scheme coming to York next week. Third year James Grey is heading up York’s participation in a nationwide movement to raise money for a charity that “uses sport as a tool for social community development, fostering peace, disease prevention, and individual child development.”The scheme aims to see every student across the country pay £1 to play their sport for one day, with all the proceeds going to the disadvantaged children of Africa, Asia, and the Middle East.

Right to Play is the official charity of BUCS this year and as a fairly new organisation, it relies heavily on gestures of goodwill. TM spoke to Right to Play coordinator Julian Anstee about the project and what he hopes to achieve:“On his first visit to Eritrea, Right to Play founder and four-time Olympic champion Johann Olav Koss, came across a child who he described as ‘the popular kid’. Johann asked him why he was so popular, and the child responded simply by pointing to his long-sleeve t-shirt. Johann was puzzled. The child’s teacher explained that the child’s long sleeves meant he was the only one with a shirt big enough to be rolled up and turned into a football. So, if the children wanted to play football he had to be invited. Without cooperation, no one benefits. This is the ethos that lies behind sport at university and elsewhere and we are looking to start a UK student movement with global repercussions.”

Anstee will be relying on Student Ambassadors across UK universities to get the scheme off the ground and Grey has recently taken on that mantle at York.
“Many people take the availability of sport in this country for granted,” he said. “I feel it is the responsibility of those people to provide the opportunities they have been afforded to others who are less privileged and I hope to eventually be able to coach children in the developing world.’ Grey hopes to hold York’s Right to Play day on March 18: TM implores you to be there.
>> Visit www.students4righttoplay. org.uk or Text “PLAY” to 81400 (Texts cost £1.50 and RTP receives 90p)

Flying Low
They act all serious nowadays, but in a fine example of hypocricy, SPORTS CENTRE staff told badminton that if they didn’t want to hurt themselves, they’d have to clean the perilously dusty floors themselves? Are you serious?

Going down
Ow ow! Swollen knee, very painful, please sir, can I have some ice? No. TM learnt of true SPORTS CENTRE cruelty this week when a basketballer was refused medical attention because his injury was not deemed bad enough. Disgusting.

Relegated
Oh and guess who’s bottom of the table? Yep, you got it…the SPORTS CENTRE. Volleyball captain Jack Butcher almost lost his cool when told he’d have to pay to play in the match he’d organised because he’d forgotten his uni card. Unbelievable.

At the end of Wembley Way sat our destination, a fortress dominating the suburban skyline. The twin towers were gone, but the arch cast an impressive authority over those who ambled beneath it.

Wembley Way had a carnival atmosphere to it, as you would expect with an FA Cup final. A vendor offered to paint my face. Large banners read ‘Welcome home.’ Stalls aligned the walk towards the stadium, selling programmes at £10 each, an absurd price the FA got away with as the clamour for souvenirs reached full swing.

Entering the stadium is a bizarre exercise in its own right, more akin to entering an airport than a football ground. Security, escalators, more security—if you were to wake up inside, you could be forgiven for thinking you had somehow stumbled into Heathrow.

Then there was the infamous food. The programmes had been an early warning of things to come as fans were made to fork out £8 for burger meals. Even the staple of the football fanatic – the meat pie, at a whopping £4 – was more than double what one would be expected to pay at an average premiership ground. The final insult of paying all this money was that the food was actually quite disappointing.

I couldn’t help but think I was a victim of a scheme to counter the grossly over-budgeted costs of the stadium. I had already dug deep for my £90 ticket, but that wasn’t going to stop the powers-that-be from squeezing every last drop of disposable income out of me. Call me cynical, but on what was supposed to be a great day, it was a sad reminder that football is a fully-fledged business, with profits taking priority over fans.

Some of these frustrations were forgotten when it was time to take our seats. A silence seized each individual as they gazed into Wembley’s vastness for the first time. But the silence was swiftly broken by singing and banter—it was, after all, a Cup final.

Yet soon we all became aware of another problem that will haunt the new Wembley. The entire middle tier was comprised mainly of ‘suits’, corporate boxes and Club Wembley patrons. How the FA can justify only allocating 25,000 tickets each to Manchester United and Chelsea when the match is taking place in a 90,0000-capacity stadium is beyond ludicrous. Nearly 40,000 people inside Wembley were non-fans, which was greatly detrimental to the atmosphere and the occasion itself.

Nevertheless, the aura surrounding Wembley is not to be understated. On that day, the spectators came away feeling inspired, mainly because they had been there at the start of a new era, a new dawn for English sport. But is this what we all wanted? With the iconic twin towers gone, so was the historical context of a Wembley Cup final. The banners may have read ‘Welcome home,’ but it didn’t feel like home – rather like the bigger, more attractive brother of Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium.

Members of the older generation were further disgruntled by the complex of modernity in which they were sitting. The fan sitting next to me could recall England’s 1966 World Cup triumph and boxer Henry Cooper’s left-handed punch that knocked down a then rising star named Cassius Clay.

“The fact is,” he said, “the towers are gone, we’re in a new stadium built by Australians, watching a tournament sponsored by Germans and being played by two teams made up mostly of foreigners, and they’re saying welcome home? Doesn’t feel like it, if I’m honest.”

Andrew Fenichel

On a cold and windy morning on the River Ouse, York and Lancaster shared the points in a tightly contested series of races.

With home advantage all important in rowing, as the home coxes knew far more about the course than the away ones, confidence was high in the York camp, despite the scheduling mix-up that had left them having to race the day after the BUSA national regatta.

The opening races, the Fresher 4s, had no point’s value but were a good warm-up for the crowd. There was early drama when the rudder broke on the Men’s Fresher boat and it struck the Lancaster boat, the two careening towards the bank. When the problem was fixed, Lancaster streaked to a clear win, easing up at the end, balancing out the win for York in the Women’s Fresher 4.

The next races were the first of the big races, the Senior 4s. The Women gave York a great start as they pulled away from the Lancaster crew throughout their race, extending their lead to 3 lengths by the end of the race, much to the delight of the mostly York crowd.

Unfortunately, the Men could not continue the good start, as they lost a very tight race. Despite coming back from a length down coming into the final straight, the crowd could not lift them to the win and they lost by the narrowest of margins.

The Novice 4s then followed, along with a strange sense of déjà vu for the spectators, as the women stroked confidently to a win, whereas the men fought desperately hard, but were just beaten on the line, just as the seniors had been.

The crowd were then rubbing their eyes in disbelief as the formula was followed once again in the Senior 8s, with the women winning well and the men losing another very close race. One observer noted that ‘the women rowed better than they ever thought was possible’, while the delighted Women’s Captain, Sarah declared she was just ‘pleased to have contributed to York’s bid for the Roses trophy’.

Men’s Freshers 4: Lancaster win
Men’s Novice 4 :York 0 – Lancaster 2
Men’s Senior 4: York 0 – Lancaster 4
Men’s Senior 8: York 0 – Lancaster 4
Women’s Freshers 4:York win
Women’s Novice 4:York 2 – Lancaster 0
Women’s Senior 4:York 4 – Lancaster 0
Women’s Senior 8:York 4 – Lancaster 0

Matthew Jeynes