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Henry James Foy

Henry James Foy — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 12:54:53 +0000

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2012. Enjoy the freedom and opportunities of University life. Oh, never mind; you will not understand the freedom and opportunities of University until you’re mired in third-year hell.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself at Club D and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked dressed up as a chav. You’re not as fat as you imagine. And neither is she.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to write a dissertation by browsing Facebook. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm during a boring lecture on Hume.

Do one thing everyday that scares you. Act in the Drama Barn. Watch something in the Drama Barn, in fact. Don’t be bitter about other people’s ambitions, don’t put up with people who are bitter about yours. Put on a pantomime. Run for YUSU office. Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re on a solid first, sometimes you’re staring a Desmond in the face. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, save the 4am sex texts and throw away your Student Loan letters. Play sport for your college. Raise a shitload of money for charity by looking gorgeous for two nights in Central Hall. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do when you graduate. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of Relentless.

Don’t be bitter about other people’s ambitions, and don’t put up with people who are bitter about yours

Be kind to the cleaners and the porters, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll make the Nouse Top50, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll win a YUSU Award, maybe you won’t give a shit. Maybe you’ll lift the College Cup, or maybe you’ll get chucked out of Ziggy’s for sliding down the banisters. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either: your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, especially at Porno V. Don’t be afraid of it, or what your welfare reps think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own dirty, shitty kitchen.

Read the campus newspapers, even if you don’t like the people who write them. Do not read the comments on the articles, they will only make you feel depressed.

Get to know your second-years, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to the people in your tutorials; they are the best way to blag your way through an LFA exam, and the people most likely to walk you home from Gallery when that dick from your lecture decides he’d rather go home with someone else.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle that inevitably divide you and your housemates. The closer to graduation you get, the more you need the people who made the journey with you. Live in Tang Hall once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in those posh flats behind the Co-op once, but leave before they make you soft.

Take day trips into the Dales. It might still be Yorkshire, but it’s pretty. Accept certain inalienable truths: Vanbrugh baguette prices will rise, campus politicians will break their promises. You too will get close to finals and spend all your time in the library, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were a fresher the beer was cheaper, sabbattical officers were noble and first-years respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to pay for your Summer Ball ticket. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe your Daddy works with derivatives; but you never know when either one might collapse.

Don’t backcomb your hair too much, or by the time you’re 22, it will look 45. Be careful which professors you believe, but be patient with those who try to help you with Derrida. Academia is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of finding useless information in your brain’s rubbish bin, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

Just make the most of your years here. They go too fast not to.

With respect to Baz Luhrmann.

Henry James Foy

Henry James Foy — Tue, 25 May 2010 14:15:41 +0000

Forget Summer Ball and the impending graduation ceremony, there is one thing that can’t come quickly enough: the Facebook cull is coming. The days of an unadulterated stream of vacuous nonsense are numbered.

Fazzy-B, as my housemate refers to it, is the ultimate addiction, and we all need some rehab. Excitement, intrigue, drama, love, loss and – of course – unmitigated voyeurism are a mere click away. It’s like an always-on episode of ‘Glee’, but with far uglier people.

A friend of mine remarked this week that without Facebook, she never would have known of the YUSU by-elections. Campus democracy aside, my social calendar would be positively bare without FB’s trusty events. Imagine my dismay, for example, if I had missed ‘Menstruation: A blessing or a curse’, in virtue of not logging in? Bloody nightmare.

Some final years, before sending a plethora of Graduate Scheme applications, battened down the hatches of their profile privacy, concealing photos of themselves dressed as cavewomen or strawpedoing bottles of Sauv Blanc from the eyes of would-be employees.

As Mark Zuckerburg transformed from social networking God to data-stealing scoundrel, City monkeys in the making made the tough choice to hide photos of their exposed genitals while sacrificing their ability to be searched by the hot fresher they met in Ziggys.

Yet this is just the tip of the iceberg. Embarrassing photographs and groups named after borderline racist jokes that you probably shouldn’t have joined in the first place might hobble you at Ernst and Young’s candidate research stage, but the real danger lies after July 3rd: How are you going to give up?

Some people seem unable to exist without telling everybody exactly what that existence entails. It’s a Saussurian nightmare

Let’s not beat about the bush. You know the annoying uncle who keeps trying to add you as a friend, or the 24-year-old that you once kissed at Gallery who now spends his entire time commenting on your statuses? That’s you very soon.

A close friend of mine attemped to go cold turkey in preparation last week by shutting down his account. Did it work? No. Unable to restrain his desires, he logged in using his pet dog’s account that is friends with his housemates, and got his fix that way. He lived vicariously through A DOG. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Some people seem unable to exist without telling everyone else exactly what that existence entails. It’s like a Saussurian nightmare.

Take, for example, a friend of mine who continually posts snippets of her essay during its writing. Congratulating yourself on particularly pretentious sentence constructions aloud is acceptable, though rather socially awkward. Stating them on Facebook borders on unbearable.

How will they cope in their first job? Should I expect statuses such as ‘Writing an email: “I feel today’s meeting was catatonically constructive, and a cacophony of creative concepts were concluded”’ or ‘Went for a meeting today. Was positively Baudelarian’?

Other students at York have also embraced Foursquare with similarly regrettable aplomb: a mobile app that updates your status to tell others where you are. So-and-so is at Roger Kirk, etc. Unless your promotion plot involves a campaign to be elected Majo-Domo of the photocopier, that habit will have to be consigned to the graveyard of social networking too.

And then there’s FitFinder, that sinister yet undeniably hilarious bastard child of the Facebook generation. That has got to go too: ‘Staff Canteen (Second Floor) Female, Brunette Hair, Head of Finance in super-hot pencil skirt and a rack just begging to be let free from that blouse. I’d stuff your envelope anytime’ is only going to get you a date with a P45.

Hanging up the keyboard gloves won’t be easy. Blind to M’s meandering tales of random acquaintances, ignorant of T’s politically provocative statuses and unable to view D’s photos of her fifth night out that week, will I drift in a world of disconnectedness?

Or will I realise that the 1,200 friends that I’ve somehow accumulated over three years of University makes me unselective rather than popular, having a good night out with friends shouldn’t end with 3am photo tagging, and that ‘liking’ a status is a wholly unsuitable way to celebrate someone’s engagement?

Diary and address book in hand, perhaps I’ll start that cull early.

Bode hat-trick earns dramatic win

Henry James Foy — Tue, 04 May 2010 18:23:56 +0000

A timely hat-trick from Nico Bode saw York record a memorable win in the men’s firsts indoor hockey fixture by 5 goals to 3.

Repeating his goal haul from York’s recent BUCS Final encounter against MMU Cheshire, Bode showed great composure at crucial stages of a frenetic game to turn around a match that was headed towards defeat.

Overall York, who don’t play any other indoor hockey all year, won the event 3.5-2.5.

Trailing 3-1 with 15 minutes to play, Bode’s second and third goals after a converted Nick Latcham penalty corner saw York take the lead with only four minutes remaining.

Weathering a swathe of Lancaster attacks, York held on to their lead before Latcham scored his second penalty corner with a beautifully struck effort with the last hit of the game.

After failing to take the lead from the penalty spot in only the fourth minute, Lancaster made the breakthrough with one of the games many penalty corners, before Bode’s first, a well-placed sweep from a Billy Walsh cross, squared the tie at half-time.

The men were under pressure to deliver after the women’s firsts were held to a frustrating 1-1 draw despite dominating possession for the entire match.

Charlie Bartlett stood out as the best player on the pitch in that game, and in conjunction with defensive partner Imy Eldergill-Storm ensured Lancaster rarely troubled goalkeeper Beanie Usher.

Barlett’s marauding runs into the hosts’ half provided a plethora of chances for strikers Laura Pepper and Rachael Faustino, and ensured the hosts’ backline was constantly tested.

Eldergill-Storm’s long-range effort grabbed the lead early on, before a converted Lancaster penalty corner pegged York back before half time.

With three goals for the White Rose disallowed, including the final shot of the game, it appeared that perhaps this just wasn’t York’s day.

Cunning Cantor in croquet glory

Henry James Foy — Tue, 04 May 2010 18:17:22 +0000

Try telling Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor that it’s the taking part that counts. His teammate YUSU President Tim Ngwena might be all about keeping it cool, but Cantor’s a man who hasn’t got to the top by losing.

Following Alex Lacy’s wholly abysmal performance last year, where his bizarre concept of competition perhaps formed part of the admissions test to his current job as a gym instructor at an asylum, Ngwena and Cantor were the pre-event underdogs.

Listening to the chat on the sidelines during the farcical search for a croquet set, it appeared that their competitors, the effusive LUSU President Michael Payne and the steely-eyed Prof. Paul Wellings, were the competitive type. Wellings was well-fancied to leave the York pair stuck in the rough. “Your guy looks laid back,” observed one of the watching Lancaster pro-vice-chancellors with distaste.

Suitably, as Wellings padded up and down the pitch with all the brashness of a man who had surely slipped in a few clandestine practice sessions, the York pair got off to a shambolic start. With both Lancaster players passing through the third peg, Ngwena’s sixth shot had just navigated the first. But canny Cantor had a plan.

“It’s very tactical,” mused one of the 10-strong group of watching dignitaries, and with that in mind, Cantor wasn’t about to let laid-back Tim sail him down shit creek like Lacy had done.
With the blitzkreig approach that only comes from decades in the cut-throat materials industry, Cantor bished, bashed and boshed his way past Payne and his floppy hair, and when the smug Wellings’ ball touched the winning post with a peg still to navigate, Cantor threw a dive that Ronaldo would have been proud.

Using a disqualification rule in an exhibition sport might be seen as a tad excessive, but Cantor was adamant. As Payne’s 20 or so LUSU fans watched in astonishment, Wellings – miles ahead at this point – was forced to forfeit.

But as the climax approached, Payne had found a way back in. He had a four-foot shot for victory. Brian gave him the eye. Payne bottled it. And with Tim merely a bemused spectator, Cantor cool as a cucumber, rolled his ball 15 feet to victory. Job done.

Henry James Foy

Henry James Foy — Tue, 04 May 2010 17:09:24 +0000

“You’re not a lad,” pipes up my girlfriend for the third time that afternoon. “You’re just a wannabe fake lad.”

A wannabe fake? That doesn’t even make sense. And anyway, I wasn’t actually suggesting that my choice to wear shorts that day in the barely above 15-degree northern sun rendered me such.

But she’s right, of course. I’ve never really embraced that whole aspect of my sex.

Of late, many of my friends have become fascinated by the website TrueLad.com, where stories of intense laddery are posted and rated by the interested public (true lads, one would assume), as either praise-deserving socially unacceptable acts, or scorn-worthy events that are just aren’t disgraceful enough. I find most too mind-boggling to comprehend.

I am, as my housemate likes to say, an anti-lad. For the record, he lies far closer to the anti-lad end of the spectrum than I, but delusionally thinks that downing a large glass of fine Merlot to be equitable to straight-arming a dirty pint.

It has been the same all my life. In Year 8, my football coach cut my (albeit miniscule) reputation to shreds in the changing rooms when I suggested his team-sheet contained a spelling error.

Later, in Year 11, the very same teacher refused to speak to me for a week after I received a school colours tie – normally reserved for the football stars or the rugby heroes – for placing at an international sailing championships. Sailing, he thought, was a sport for rich girls and homosexuals.

My lack of true laddery doesn’t just relate to my sporting prowess, or lack thereof. The other crucial aspect of a true lad, that of enjoying the devastation of one’s insides on a regular basis through the imbibing of laughably large quantities of alcohol, is similarly lacking.

Now, I like a good night out on the town like anyone else, but the idea of drinking a pint of Carling through the head of a fish fills me with an intense feeling of utter revulsion – and an understandable fear of biological infection.

At Mr York last year, an event that I agreed to take part in as an extraordinarily large favour that rapidly unraveled into a particularly erroneous judgement, my anti-laddery was viciously exposed.

It was only when the lager appeared before me and my five competitors – who, incidentally, were so filled with ‘lad’ that they were set to burst – that I realized I’d never actually downed a pint before. I turned gingerly to the rugby-playing behemoth next to me and asked for any tips. “Oh don’t worry mate, it’s easy – we do this three or four times every Wednesday.” Needless to say, I lost by a sizeable margin.

This, however, turned out to be a blessing in disguise. “You got out before the loss of dignity reached chronic levels,” my most socially-critical friend assured me. He stuck around after my exit at the hands of the Carling-guzzling man machines to see them prance around in bras, and ultimately expose their body parts to the baying humiliation-hungry mob.

The idea of drinking a pint of Carling through a fish head or out of my shoe fills me with an intense feeling of revulsion

This is the final aspect of laddery, and one that I simply cannot comprehend. If sporting prowess is unobtainable, and incalculable alcohol consumption undesired, then nudity in public places defies every shred of my self-respect.

In much the same way that overtly masculine lads who love to extol their manly virtues are unable to suppress an inbuilt craving for nights out in drag, there is something indefinable in a true lad’s mental choice to whip his little man out for maximum audience exposure.

Let’s not beat about the bush – unless you’re streaking during a pornography championship (if one exists, be sure a true lad is behind it), one’s little man will certainly be living up to that euphemism.

This weekend, at Roses, I witnessed one such act first hand. One true lad, who I’d bet was a medically-classifiable moron, circled the York Rugby Firsts’ team huddle, his barely-visibly todger swinging in the freezing Lancashire air, quoting the omnipresent and mildly humourous Gap Yah YouTube video.

Will this tale be posted on TrueLad for fellow lads to pass judgement? Will his act of comic suicide earn him a ‘Good Lad’ or ‘Shit Lad’ review? Instead, I hope that he wakes up tomorrow and, upon viewing his tiny penis in a Facebook picture commented on by hundreds of mocking strangers, realizes his lad-based folly.

There is time to repent. The anti-lads are recruiting.

YUSU Strategic Plan

Henry James Foy — Tue, 04 May 2010 16:13:00 +0000

Excited you probably aren’t, but interested you should be. After months of consultation, Union President Tim Ngwena has released the draft version of YUSU’s strategic plan for 2010-2013, claiming that the report “sets the framework for making the right decision in the future.”

Certainly, this won’t be the most exciting document you read this year, if indeed you do. But its contents hold the key for the next three years of the Union.

“There was a need to take stock. Stop. Break. Pause,” explains Ngwena. “We – to see what the things are that we do really well, and then in the future we can be radical and try different things.”

Suitably, the report marks a period of financial tightening for YUSU, curtailing any further commercial expansion of the Union with no “significant new increase[s] in costs”. However, Ngwena admits that if an “amazing opportunity” arose he expects the Union to take it into consideration.

Notably, the report makes only passing reference to the looming decision regarding the location of the new YUSU centre, should the current location be deemed unsuitable.“That was almost deliberate,” Ngwena explains. “I didn’t want it to tie us down to one course of action.”

YUSU were expected to use the space vacated by Langwith College’s 2011 move to Heslington East, but plans to develop their current building or potentially construct new premises on the University expansion have also been mooted.

The report also makes official the expected plans for YUSU to hire a new staff member to assist JCR Committees with finance and administration issues, echoing candidate policies at the recent YUSU Elections.

However, the role’s creation, slated for 2011, is listed as dependent on University funding, and Ngwena notes that of the three new staff positions proposed in the plan, it is listed as the least vital.

Stating that YUSU currently employs 128 staff across all its various administrative and commercial entities, the report appears to suggests an increase in administrative positions throughout.

“Our staff numbers are behind other Unions. We’d want to increase [them],” explains Ngwena. “There is a trend towards staff roles in [the YUSU] building. They bring in expertise and take workload from the Sabbs so that we can get out and do more representation things. That’s our primary role.

However, despite setting out three specific roles that the Union will create in the next two years, Ngwena expects the next strategic plan, in 2013, will purposely set out to re-balance the student officer to staff ratio: “This isn’t the whitepaper for that. The next one will be.”

Groups, including YUSU Council and the GSA, will engage with the draft before a final edit is produced later in the term. However, with only 163 members in the report’s feedback Facebook group, Ngwena’s new challenge is to get ‘non-engaged’ students to give their opinions on the plans.

Roses 2010 LIVE: Sunday

Henry James Foy — Sun, 02 May 2010 09:05:41 +0000

Live video coverage: http://www.lancs.ac.uk/socs/lutubetv/live.html

16.22

And I think it’s about time we ended this on a high too. With only a few games left and the closing ceremony beginning soon, Roses 2010 is all but over. We couldn’t quite manage four in a row, but we held our own and only mathematically lost the tournament late on Sunday. Thanks to Lancaster for having us and well done to all the competitors who gave everything over the weekend. Special thanks from myself to all of the reporters, photographers and bloggers over the weekend that helped with our coverage and make sure to check out our special Roses 2010 supplement in next week’s edition of Nouse.

Well then, that’s all folks. See you next year!

16.15

Alec Porter (apparently it isn’t his last game after all) says: “I’m really pleased. It’s a massive achievement to take six wins out of six from this weekend. It’s nice for the first team to end the season on a high after the disappointment of losing promotion.”

16.08

Apparently Charlie Leyland got clattered into on the sidelines and might have done something to her ankle. Nouse hopes she’s alright and it’s nothing serious.

16.06

York captain Alex Redshaw: ” This proves that Yorkshire is God’s own country.” Wonderful.

16.05

Women have won the tennis singles and the men are 1-0 down.

16.04

And we’ve just heard that actually Roses is being decided on the rugby result alone this year, not all the points that preceded it. Well, maybe not but we can hope.

16.03

Also, It’s coach Alec Porters last game with the rugby team. Emotional moment as the team thank him for his service. Shergie’s apparently right in the middle of it.

16.00

Rugby team are obviously ecstatic at the result. A long difficult season, full of disappointment, has been rewarded with a thrilling away win at Roses. A brilliant end to the tournament.

15.55

Some strange Lancaster sports meeting is happening next to us. Don’t they realise the United game is on soon?

15.51

Lancaster concede a penalty, York kick it to touch and it’s over! YORK WIN THE MEN’S RUGBY!

15.50

Jason, why would you ever trust Scan over us? Apparently an incredible comeback from Brian ‘Hero’ Cantor snatched victory away from Lancaster in the final few plays.

15.49

Lancaster are on the attack in the final minutes. Can York hold on?

15.47

York have been awarded a penalty for hands in the ruck. Resists urge to jump and down in joy. This could be it.

15.46

Lancaster player put into touch and Emily Scott is wiped out! Drama! Turns out she jumped in with a grin. That’s our Emily.

15.45

Referee just missed a blatant Lancaster knock-on. Messrs Harrow and Jake are not impressed.

15.44

Another Lancaster penalty and its now 19-17. A score now will give them the match.

15.43

And York have only gone and won the croquet. Brian ‘The Beast’ Cantor with the winning hit. Well done Brian, you’re a hero to many.

15.42

Lancaster look resigned to defeat but York send the restart kick straight out. Feeling the pressure?

15.41

This is really tense now. Can York rugby firsts end a season of so much disappointment with a win in Roses? Surely few sides deserve it as much.

15.40

Lancaster convert a penalty in front of the posts. 19-14.

15.39

Tom Weir has scored for York. Grant makes conversion to take it to 19-11.

15.36

Karate, Mens Basketball and American Football action here from Peter Iveson and Arran Bowen-la Grange

15.36

I’ve got about five people sending me updates now from the men’s rugby. If York can win this showpiece event, then we can leave Lancaster with our heads held high.

15.33

Adebiyi drops the ball over the line. OH THAT’S A BAD MISS.

15.32

York are ahead by 12-11 in the rugby. Lancaster conversion was missed when Adam Shergold banged Sophie Hossack’s drum (steady) to put kicker off. We’re not at York Road now Shergie.

15.30

In the wider world of sport, Chelsea have taken a massive step towards the Premier League title with a 2-0 win over Liverpool. Steve Mclaren has just guided FC Twente to their first ever Dutch league championship.

15.28

Lancaster have scored in the rugby. Not good, but apparently its been coming.

15.27

Lancaster have taken an early lead in the croquet but both teams are awful.

15.23

York lost the basketball 65-49 in the end but we won the Lacrosse 18-6. Justyn is apparently flirting with some girls on the sideline.

15.19

York are 5-11 behind overall in the Karate but we won the “dance thing”. I genuinely apologise to anyone who has come on here looking for expert coverage of the Karate.

15.18

Huw tells me there’s another Lancaster streaker but nobody cares. Huw Harrow does not like nakedness interrupting his rugby.

15.17

Lancaster have won a men’s karate whitewash. Good job we’ve got Uma Thurman in our women’s side.

15.16

61-46 now in the basketball and York have called a time-out. Three minutes remaining and I think it’s all over for the White Rose.

15.14

56-44 in the basketball. A member of the York crowd is taunting the ref. Standard.

15.13

York lost their fourth match in the sparring competition 12-3. I’ve noticed less excitement in Chris Young’s recent texts. Karate honeymoon period over?

15.12

The streaker is taunting our boys with the ‘Gap Yah’ sketch. I think it’s unfair to say we’re posh at York. Meanwhile Henry James Foy and Arran Bowen-la Grange are having a spiffing time watching croquet.

15.09

York fighting back in the basketball. It’s now 52-44.

15.08

Huw also tells us about the nudity. Too late Huw, no one sees naked men faster than Tess Webb.

15.07

Tess is our nudity reporter at the rugby. Apparently a man in a Borat style mankini has just had all of his clothes stolen by York.

15.06

Farcical start to the croquet. They don’t have any equipment. Go Tim!

15.06

Just realised how dodgy that last post sounded. Half time in the rugby and it’s 12-6. Rob Grant misses a penalty in the last kick of the half.

15.05

Ball is kicked to touch and lands near Jake. This is his moment. He looks as if he’ll catch, but no! He chickens out at the last moment. He’s more into round balls, that Jake.

15.03

By the way, Chelsea are 2-0 up against Liverpool. Is the title race over?

15.03

51-37 at the end of the third quarter in the basketball. Lancaster almost score in the rugby. York 2-0 down overall in the men’s Karate. Keep going guys!

15.00

Ed Drewett goes in at the corner after the no. 9 goes blind at a scrum. Anyone who watches college rugby will know that that move is called the ‘Huw Harrow’. 12-6 York.

14.59

Tess Webb texts me saying “I love York rugby.” Attention Nouse fashion, sport have stolen your deputy editor for good.

14.57

We think Adam Shergold has gone to sleep at the Lacrosse. Jake is now updating for us, 16-5 to York.

14.52

43-32 to Lancaster in the b’ball now. Women are dominating in the singles tennis – they’re 3-0 up.

14.50

Pete is cheering the basketballers on: “Have a dip lad, have a dip.” It’s worked, they’ve score eight unanswered points.

14.49

Chris is enjoying Karate a little too much if you ask me. We’re losing the first sparring 13-7 and there have been a “few kicks to the face.”

14.48

A woman standing next to Henry apparently can’t bring herself to stand next to him. It’s not you, it’s her Henry. Play just taking a short break at the rugby.

14.46

Uma Thurman won 10-1. York women lost Kumite 2-1. No, I don’t understand either.

14.43

Instant response in the rugby. York caught offside and Lancaster score penalty to move 6-3 ahead.

14.39

Tom Weir has put York ahead in their first attack. 5-3 in the men’s rugby.

14.38

Henry tells me that one of the basketball players looks like Nouse’s News Editor Sam Lawson. Get back to the office, Sam!

14.36

York have won their first bout 4-1. Chris starting to get the hang of it. He compares one of the competitors to Uma Thurman.

14.33

Lancaster are on top on the rugby. Gabriel Adebiyi has just made a try saving tackle.

14.32

York’s skipper is trying to rally his players at the basketball. 29-14 to Lancaster.

14.29

Chris is confused at the Karate and the men’s rugby firsts have resumed.

14.22

21-8 to Lancaster at the end of the first quarter in the basketball.

14.21

York are 4-3 up in the Karate, 9-3 up in the Lacrosse at half time, and 18-8 to Lancaster.

14.17

Serious news at the rugby. Both games has been suspended (and the women’s abandoned as a draw) as an air ambulance is brought in for the injured York player.

14.15

York have taken the first point in the Karate. Chris Young has sent me a long text about tranquility and monks. Nice to see he’s getting into it.

14.13

Lancaster have gone 3-0 ahead with a penalty kick in the rugby firsts game.

14.12

The men’s rugby firsts, the biggest game of the day, are well underway.

14.08

It’s 7-2 to York in the men’s Lacrosse.

14.07

Drogba have put Chelsea one up against Liverpool. Lots of kicking in the first few minutes of the men’s rugby.

14.06

Serious injury to a York girl in the rugby. The medics are on and we’ll keep you updated. Men’s firsts starting now.

14.03

Henry has been told by a fellow spectator that our number 23 has a “face like a fox”. Is that a good or bad thing?

14.03

Some more photos here from the day’s events, courtesy of Peter Iveson

14.02

Despite the fact that we’ve lost, the atmosphere out there is fantastic. Sunny weather, good sports and Nouse reporters, as far as the eye can see. Beautiful.

13.59

The sideline banter is getting increasingly aggressive at the women’s rugby, where York subs are telling an injured Lancaster player to get up.

13.56

Captain Will Tate after the men’s rugby seconds win: “I’m very very pleased. This was the culmination of a very good season and we all worked hard for a good win.”

13.54

York seconds win the doubles 2-1 and it’s still 5-5 in the women’s rugby, despite York dominating possession.

13.52

6-2 In the Lacrosse. Krishna Balan scores again.

13.51

Leigh here now to take you through this packed afternoon of sport. We’ve got six games being covered so It’s going to be busy. Let’s finish this day with our heads held high York!

13.48

4-2 to York now in the Lacrosse. Henry is in cahoots. York scorers are Rob Coslett, Luke Shilling, and Krishna Balan.

13.47

Full time in the Womens’ Basketball, as Lancaster run out winners 49-34. A valiant performance by an outclassed York side.
Photo: Pete Iveson

13.46

Womens’ Rugby at 5-5 now as York hit back

13.43

Henry Cowen goes from doing cartwheels to inconsolable sobbing as York go from 2-0 in the Mens’ Lacrosse to 2-2

13.42

A truly beautiful picture of a building on a hill here, with some Womens’ Rugby in the foreground George Lowther again

13.41

No way back for York in the Womens’ Basketball as Lancaster turn on the style to make it 49-32 with 2 minutes to go.

13.39

Lancaster hit the post in the Mens’ Lacrosse, as York take an early 1-0 lead.

13.39

Another York try as Lancaster’s defence is run ragged Photo: George Lowther

13.38

York on their way to a thumping victory in the Rugby Seconds Photo: George Lowther

13.35

The referee down at the Lacrosse is wearing what Henry describes as a “funny American outfit of Gladiators’ John Anderson fame”.

I think they always look like that, you Lax-expert.

13.33

Things getting underway at the Mens’ Lacrosse. Henry can barely contain his excitement. “Calm down, Henry”, onlookers keep saying.

13.32

Lancaster take an early lead in the Womens’ Rugby, it’s 5-0 there in a tight match

13.29

Full Time at the Rugby Seconds – York WIN 43-0.

The York Coach Alec Porter reportedly ended the match, arms outstretched, beckoning the Lancaster fans to pelt water balloons at him.

No, I don’t get that either. But hey ho. 2 Points to the total, thank you very much.

13.26

Embarrassing stuff for the silly blonde-haired Lancaster rugby lads – York’s Simon Reed scores to put the away team 43 ahead.

13.25

End of the third quarter in the Womens’ Basketball, and York have tightened things up slightly, trailing now by only 23 points to Lancaster’s 36

13.24

Cutting analysis from Cowen pitchside:

“I’m not a Lacrosse connoisseur, but Lancaster don’t seem quite so adept at catching the ball in their oddly-shaped sticks.”

13.22

Ash Alexander crosses for another York try in the Rugby Seconds. York in total control of this 2-point match.

13.21

Half Time at the American Football, and it’s still 6-6. The Cheerleaders are out, and cheeky Pete Iveson is apparently a little miffed that they’re all wearing leggings.

13.21

36-14 in the third quarter of the Womens’ Basketball with Lancaster in total control. Scott’s looking for 100 points by the way, and I’d bet that’s far from unachievable. All eyes on the Rugby Firsts though.

13.20

And this from YUSU President Tim Ngwena:

“We’ve turned up disadvantaged slightly because of exams, but this is a respectable score. I’m really looking forward to the croquet, but I have never touched a mallet before in my life, and I’m not massively confident.”

Don’t worry Tim, Alex Lacy was atrocious.

13.18

Emily Scott, defeated York Sport President, had these words to say on the defeat:

“It is disappointing but not embarrassing. It took us until 1 o’clock to lose, and this is far from a whitewash. Everyone is still playing for pride and we will wipe the smiles off their faces with some victories later today.”

Hear, hear.

13.15

Cowen, ripped from my side and dispatched to the Lacrosse, grudgingly reports that York are 18-3 up in the Womens’ match.

The sun has just come out – perfect timing for the Mens’ Firsts Rugby game.

13.13

The Rugby Firsts’ are warming up now, as the Lancaster Seconds pray that this demolition will soon conclude.

13.10

Lancaster have a rare attack in the Rugby Seconds, but it’s tight defence from York to defend their clean sheet.

13.09

Leigh Clarke is on it with the euphemisms today, as he spots Gorgeous George Lowther and his huge lens striding over to the Womens Rugby with purpose.

13.07

Photo here from the College Exhibition football, where Halifax defeated a Lancaster college 3-1 Sam Newsome, obv

13.06

Adam Wood scores “A cracker” in the Rugby Seconds to extend York’s lead again. Boot of God misses the conversion, but York are in charge, 31-0

13.05

Lacrosse wonderwoman and all-round top girl Helen Streeter bamboozling poor Lancaster player Sam Newsome with the shot again.

13.04

Centurions in action, as a Lancaster player breaks through the York defence Another cracking photo from Sam Newsome.

13.02

Half-Time at the Womens’ Basketball and Lancashire extend their lead to 28-9. Shergie describes it as a bit of a pasting, but notes that York have improved markedly in the second quarter.

13.00

And Pollen gets his hat-trick down at the Rugby Seconds to take the score to 26-0 to York. Leigh Clarke tells me Emily Scott reckons we can still win. She’s sadly mistaken.

12.58

Hey Hey Hey! The Cheerleaders are warming up at the American Football for their half-time dancing and prancing extravaganza. Shergold must be pissed he picked the Womens’ Basketball now.

12.56

Every cloud and all that – Halifax have won the College Exhibition match against Lancaster’s Fylde College, 3-1. Nice work lads.

12.55

Sorry to Editor Extraordinaire Charlotte Hogarth-Jones for making the Roses Pullout sound a little bit like a free DVD of Home Alone 3 in the Sunday Express.

12.54

And it’s half-time in the Mens Rugby Seconds, where York’s lead of 19 points to Lancaster’s nil apparently flatters the hosts.

12.53

TOUCHDOWN YORKIE in the American Football! Alex Nock hits the endzone to make it 6 points apiece.

12.52

IT’s official, the Carter-James Trophy is no longer ours. Don’t ask me how, or why (though that’s obvious when you think about it), but Adam Shergold, Leigh Clarke, Henry Cowen and the rest of the Nouse Sport team will cast their analysing eyes over the weekend’s performance and provide all the answers in a SPECIAL ROSES PULLOUT, only in Nouse on Tuesday.

12.50

LANCASTER WIN ROSES 2010

12.50

Goddammit Lacrosse, why must you be so loathsome. It’s just me and my panini now.

12.48

Oh dear – all downhill in the Womens’ Basketball, as the score moves to 21-6 to Lancaster with 5 minutes played of the second quarter.

12.48

Lacrosse is playing the part of Yoko Ono in breaking up a great partnership. I’m off, leaving you with Sir Henry James Foy. Tally’ho.

12.48

Roses Live reckon we’ve moved up 4 points to 80.5 – and I’m going to put my neck out and hazard a guess that we won the Garstang Canoe-off. That’s not verified, mind, but Henry Cowen and I have scoured the schedule, and that’s the only 4 points unaccounted for…

12.47

Halifax are down to 10 men following two injuries. Jake’s quite handy, wonder if he brought his boots with him.

12.47

York on the attack now after the first quarter of the American Football. It’s 6-0 Lancaster at the moment.

12.46

Another try for York in the Rugby Seconds as Pollen makes it 17-0, before Mortimer’s boot of heaven makes it 19-0

12.43

HJF and super Sam Newsome have gone in search of “scran”. Foy describes Jacket Potatoes as “messy.” That really depends what you’re doing with them.

12.41

It was 34-22 to York in the thirds rugby.

12.40

The thirds rugby won their exhibition match, if only that had gained us some points. Darn it. Just waiting on the score from Leigh.

12.39

Looks like Lancaster might take the tournament with the Basketball. York trailing 17-5 after the first quarter, and Shergold says he’s fearing a bit of a drubbing.

DEFENCE! DEFENCE!

12.38

York Sport budget strikes again in the Womens’ Basketball as Shergold notices two of our players have numbers formed from masking tape.

12.38

Lancaster did win that final set in the Mixed Doubles so that ended 4-2 to the White Rose. James Offord has extended the College Winners’ lead to 4-1, following a great through ball from Lund.

12.38

INTERCEPTION – Lancaster steal possession as York’s offense’s day of hell continues in the American Football.

12.37

So here’s the big picture. Lancaster need 1.5 points to win this year’s Roses. They could well win that at the Womens’ Basketball, or the American Football, where they lead in both – or the climbing or canoeing, but from both of which we’re getting rather sporadic updates.

12.33

Three minutes left in the first quarter of the Ladies Basketball – 11-3 to Lancaster now.

12.31

The megaphone is out at the Rugby Seconds, where it’s quietened down as York dominate the play.

12.31

Sam Asfahani is encouraging the big tough Football boys to “hit that centre in the mouth.” I think that’s a self-explanatory order, but you never know with American sporting lingo.

12.31

It’s not quite going all York’s way in the tennis. It’s 3-1 to Lancaster in the last set of the Mixed Doubles. If Lancaster win they will only lose 4-2 whereas a York win would clinch a 5-1 victory. Interestingly 5-1 will be the score when Ipswich play Sheffield United later today, you mark my words.

12.29

4-0 to Lancaster in the Womens’ Basketball, who apparently have a British National Player.

She’s not a fascist, though that would be rather ironic.

12.28

Arran Bowen Le-Grange, Nouse‘s resident Earl, has just seen the Centurion’s kick returner get ‘merckd’ in a tackle. Is Arran Bowen Le Grange actually Jonny Fransman in disguise?

Shout out to bear-face, not that the little worker bee will be reading this.

12.27

Shergold – patently unable to drag himself from the female form – has stuck around the sports hall to watch the Womens’ Basketball, which has just kicked off. Or pushed back. Or first served.

IT HAS STARTED.

12.25

ANOTHER York try as Pollen goes over. 12-0 to York.

Leigh Clarke reckons we’ve got this in the bag. I think he has a man crush on Mortimer.

12.25

Tom Morris SCORES for York in the Rugby Seconds, and Mortimer’s bless’d foot kicks the extra two

12.23

TOUCHDOWN LANCASTER. 6 points on the (fictional) board for the hosts, after missing the conversion attempt.

SHIT ME it’s worth 4 points. How did that happen? Asfahani….

How ironic – if Asfahani doesn’t win, he could ensure the DOOM of his soon-to-be-predecessor…

12.23

36 minutes until Sheffield Wednesday and Crystal Palace go head-to-head in their relegation showdown. Rumours that both teams are avoiding warming up to watch our live blog are unfounded.

12.22

Update from Leigh at the Rugby Seconds. “Mortimer kicks like a God.” Well there you have it; with his divine feet, this should be a cakewalk for York.

12.21

Halifax go 3-1 up in the College Winners game with a sweetly worked free-kick. We’re not sure of the scorer but I bet you any money it was Jack Beadle.

12.18

Lancaster defend the line-out chance well in the Rugby 2nds, but York have started brightly.

12.18

They’re underway in the American Football, where Sam Asfahani’s Centurions are looking to secure a surprise victory. Lancaster starting the stronger, completing a 10 yard pass and getting their march on.

12.16

Early chance for York in the Mens’ Rugby Seconds as they kick a penalty into touch yards shy of the Lancaster touchline.

12.16

Having explained our position on the edge of a very steep precipice, with the abyss of a Roses loss looming large, the ever-optimistic Shergold simply replies “GREATEST. COMEBACK. EVER. X”

The kiss was for me, dear readers, not you.

12.15

Just dwelling on the photo of Jake at 12.05, you wouldn’t guess he was a charming young man would you? Never judge a book by its cover is the motto of this story. Even if we lose Roses, it’s fair to say we’ve all learnt something there.

12.14

Action from the Mixed Tennis, where Lancaster started the stronger of the two squads Another George Lowther shot there

12.13

York cross for a try in the Mens’ Rugby Thirds Photo: George Lowther.

12.12

Huw is warning Jake and myself away from the American Football where apparently the “banter brigade” are out in force. Jake was less than impressed with some of the chat at the Astro yesterday, although in defense of the Hockey Club it was only a minority.

12.11

More news from the rugby – Mike Callis and Alex Redshaw are chatting about the quality of refereeing with Leigh Clarke. Kick-off imminent. York can’t afford to lose anything now.

12.10

Mr Leigh Clarke has been in touch from the rugby: “The seconds are warming up now. Look confident, they’re close to full strength. Gryffud Jones (sports dwarf extrordinaire) is a big miss for the firsts”

12.08

With that Volleyball victory, Lancaster move to 130.5, which is just shy of the 132 needed to take the Carter-James Trophy from our sticky hands.

12.08

Farrell has added “Halifax are the nuts.” Something that will doubtless warm the cockles of Mark Lund’s heart when he reads this.

12.07

Farreldinho tells us the atmosphere is “strangely muted…especially at the tennis who seem to be going through the motions.” Although he does tell us they are doing brilliantly. He also says he “might have a hog roast for lunch.” Why not, Jake? Why not?

12.06

Lancaster have won the Womens’ Volleyball, by 3 sets to 2, taking the final set 16-14. AGONISING STUFF.

12.05

Morrissey, circa 1973 George Lowther.

12.04

Our rugby thirds are winning 30-3. Good lads. Our college winners are still 2-1 up despite an injury to a Halifax player.

12.02

York are fighting back here. 11-10 to the hosts now.

12.02

York have taken the points from the mixed doubles with two games still in progress. The ladies are up next. However, if the Volleyball goes Lancaster’s way this tennis fight-back may become irrelevant.

12.01

York need to take a deep breath here and dig deep. 9-6 to Lancaster, with only 15 needed for victory and the 4 points.

No pressure, but if we lose this, I think it’s game over.

11.59

A photo from the running here, which Pete Iveson has rather acutely revealed to be “part of sport” and not indeed a sport by itself. Insightful from the little Blackburn tyke.
Picture courtesy of Justyn Hardcastle, whose favourite actor is Will Smith, incidentally.

11.59

“There’s nothing more manly than wearing pink tutus” says Justyn, worryingly. Fortunately he then goes on to explain that there are tutu clad supporters at the rugby.

11.57

THIS IS A THRILLER. A thriller in Lankiller. 5-4 to the hosts in the fifth and final set of the Volleyball. First to 15.

Believe York, believe.

11.56

16-3 in the Rugby Thirds says Adam Shergold, who must certainly be in two places at once, or indeed just run really fast from the Sports Hall to the grass pitches.

Adam Shergold once ordered a Big Mac and… oh forget it.

11.55

York 2-1 up in the College Winners football match, a penalty from Mark Lund there. He really is our university’s version of Graham Alexander when it comes to taking penalties. Legend.

11.53

We are going to a FIFTH SET in the Womens’ Volleyball as Lancaster take the 4th 25-18. So having lead 2-0, York have now been pegged back by the hosts in a fixture they haven’t won since 2004. Momentum with Lancaster though, York need to DIG DEEP.

11.52

What’s that you say? You want some news from the tennis? Well, OK then. We will deliver. Little cockney urchin Jake Farrell tells us York have won three of the six doubles games and look like they are about to take their fourth. The comeback is on!

11.52

Tennis and Rugby Thirds’ pictures coming very soon. In the meantime, many thanks to Jason Rose for his human spell-check function. I don’t know what we’d do without his omniscient existence.

11.50

The netballers are having to rearrange the nets on the outdoor practice court…I wonder why that is. It’s certainly not because us Nousers had an impromptu football match on that very court last night. If you’re wondering, it was about 14-9 to the Lowther/Shergold/Farrell/Harrow/Cowen team. Iveson/Hardcastle/Clarke/Newsome/Young were unavailable for comment following their crushing loss.

11.47

For those of you wondering what the situation LOOKS like here in blog central, here’s a pretty accurate representation.

11.47

20-13 to Lancaster in the fourth set of the Volleyball. If they win this one it’s headed to a final set, despite us being 2-0 up originally. Boo. Come on Shergie get those Volleyballers to win some points!

11.44

As that last picture was rather brilliant, here’s another one showing the savagery of the contest, where a last-second goal from Lancaster secured a 2-2 draw Sam Newsome again with the sharpshooting.

11.44

HJF just chatted up an elderly member of the Lancaster Psychology department. “I’ve still got it” he declares proudly. Very lovely she was too.

11.42

In the Rugby thirds York are 9-0 up, it might not count for any points but those boys are playing for pride and they might spark a York comeback…

11.40

15-6 to Lancaster in the Volleyball now. Shergold says it’s pretty ominous.

11.39

Check out this action from the Canoe Polo. Like I said, fucking epic.
Another gem from Sam Newsome there.

11.39

Foy is jamming to the music of Curtis Mayfield, apparently it’s called Superfly. I feel incredibly inferior.

11.37

Another blogger coming in here, my first time this weekend. I’m the other Henry, the one nobody knows. I’m here to join Sir Foy of Yorkshire to increase our already impressive efficiency. We’ve formed the Two Henrys, just like the Two Ronnies, but I doubt we’ll go down in comedy history.

11.35

Oh dear. It looks like Lancaster are eyeing of a reversal of the Mixed game in the Womens’ Volleyball. They’re up 6-1 in the fourth set, and 2-1 down in the match. York need to concentrate here.

11.33

Jake Farrell has checked in from the courts, where six games are going on, and no-one – patently Jake included – knows the scores save the players themselves.

Roses 2010 Saturday – How it happened

Adam Shergold — Sat, 01 May 2010 08:26:10 +0000

Live video coverage: http://www.lancs.ac.uk/socs/lutubetv/live.html

20.06

That’s it for Nouse’s live coverage of Roses Saturday in Lancaster – thanks for joining us!

It’s been a big day, a lot of points have been handed around. And to be honest, a lot of them haven’t gone York’s way. Lancaster are a good 60 points ahead with just Sunday’s play left, things are looking good for them. Let’s not give up though York, it’s still all to play for. Don’t forget 2008 where we were leading by ALOT on the Sunday morning, and in the end only won by two points. Let’s go away from Lancaster knowing we tried our best. Good luck to all of our teams competing tomorrow, and do join us again to keep up with what’s going on. Toodles for now!

20.01

Fantastic game of Canoe Water polo, and it’s just finished. York 2, Lancaster 2. The points are shared, so a point for York and Lancaster. Not disastrous, but we need better to stand a realistic chance tomorrow.

19.59

As I said, really not over. 2-2 now, those Lancs have pulled one back. Apparently an incredible goal though, the Lancaster player’s canoe submerged but then span back over and he scored! That’s pretty impressive to be fair. Not enough to win roses though!

19.58

In your face Leigh – York take the lead in the pool. 2-1 now, it really isn’t over yet.

19.57

Leigh Clarke: “I’m sorry Chris, it’s over.” No it’s not, come on team! Let’s go Yooo-oork let’s go!

19.56

The stakes are high at the pool, Lancaster have just hit the inside of the post. Instinctive shouts of OOOOOOOHHHH from the crowd! Fantastic stuff, this is why we love Roses.

19.54

Instant response from York though, they score a screamer from long range to bring things back to 1-1! Who would have thought that the canoe water polo would shape Roses so much this year? A win for York here would definitely help matters for the white rose.

19.53

Oh no. Bad news folk, Lancaster have scored over at the pool. Our resident Professor, Adam Shergold, reports that the noise is “ear-splitting”.

19.51

De ja vu of that Simpsons episode: You sunk my battleship. No wonder those Lancs have resorted to such filth though, York have just rattled the bar at the water canoe polo! Come on York!

19.49

Reports that our canoeists are being deliberately submerged! Get out you dirty Lancs! Those sort of tactics are dirtier than my washing! Filth!

19.48

Out of interest, how many people on a canoe water polo team? How many boats can you really fit in a 25 meter pool?!

19.47

Update from the pool from Professor Shergold, he’s reporting on the men’s canoe polo for us. Chances at each end but it remains 0-0.

19.45

Evening all, Chris Young taking over from Leigh for a bit to keep you on top of all the going-ons here in Lancaster. From our vantage point in the bar, things are looking bleak for York. Come on York, get your head in the game! I want a fourth consecutive win!

19.40

Rhianna is getting better and better but still loses the last set of her last match 11-8.

19.39

Peter Iveson singing ‘Build me up Buttercup’. The best thing ever.

19.37

Chris Young is here and the conversation has turned to Meat Loaf.

19.36

Henry Cowen – ‘I’m wet and I’m cold and these are my only pair of trousers’

19.36

Apparently the table tennis team could still win A table. Foy thinks its about as likely as Clegg becoming Prime Minister.

19.35

Lost 6-0 in the women’s canoe polo. Men’s up next, apparently we have a better chance. Remember the magic ‘Roses winning’ number is 132. Is it all over?

19.35

Henry Cowen and Chris Young are back! Our lives are complete.

19.31

Ambro and Huw reckon they’re making sports up. They’ve never heard of canoe polo. Careful guys, remember trampolinegate.

19.30

Peter Iveson

19.30

6-0 in the Canoe polo to Lancaster. Let’s make a game. Everytime Lancaster score you have to down your pint. Makes being thrashed in the canoe polo much more enjoyable.

19.29

Peter Iveson: A seal walks into a club.

19.28

Kat wins 3-1 on the B table to prevent the whitewash. A great moment in a sea of disappointment.

19.24

It’s raining, we’re losing and Uncle Shergold has left us unattended on the blog. Anyone know any good jokes?

19.24

Kat takes second set and could get a consolation on the B table. Kat and Tim, heroes in the face of adversity.

19.24

Enough of Leigh’s blogging, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for: George Lowther’s photo round-up from the past few hours.

Top action from the Football 1sts.

A sarcastic slow clap from Mr Cowen.

Water Polo. Mint.

Intimidation tactics from the Lancaster team? They look like a cross between Voldemort’s supporters and a Topman catwalk show.

Defending from the half French lord, half merman, Arran Bowen-la Grange.

Anyways, I’m going to hand over to Peter for his choice of photos! I’m soaked to the skin, working my way through the first stages of hypothermia and am off in search of a radiator. Maybe a coat would have been a good idea after all…

19.23

George Lowther is creating a photo round-up. It will be the best thing to hit Nouse since the Adam Shergold Wednesday round-ups.

19.22

No two ways about it, we’re getting trounced in the canoe polo.

19.21

Foy tells us that Kat is “pwning this n00b’. Sounds painful

19.20

Rugby team are apparently staying in a lush hotel with spa and jacuzzi complex. Not going out tonight because tomorrow is too important. It may be all over by then, but that game is certainly going to be one to watch.

19.19

Lancaster are two goals to the good in the Canoe Polo.

19.19

Kat takes the second set of her B game. Might not be a whitewash after all.

19.17

Hockey finished 2-2. Fair result according to Cowenaldo.

19.17

Adam just Shergolded his way over to the canoe polo. It’s 1-0 up and “actually quite exciting”.

19.16

Emily Scott just said that Henry looks like a drowned rat! Emily! Be nice to our favourite minion!

19.15

York pushing for a winner in the hockey. Cowen says it’s his favourite sports club. Awww. Jake Farrell’s phone is about to go. Booooo.

19.13

Both A and B table tennis now certain losses for York. The B could still be a clean sweep.

19.09

Huw has returned and he’s moaning. Nick Latcham has equalised for York in the hockey. Brilliant, first good news we’ve posted on here in ages.

19.06

What’s everyone up to tonight? Going to Morecambe? We’re thinking we might get drunk in the flat.

19.02

First two men’s doubles games in the badminton have gone to deciders. Looking at the comments below and apparently I told LO’B to leave Tess’ fashion page alone. That wasn’t me – you can do what you want to the page Liam. Include some sport. Fashionable sport.

18.57

2-1 now in the hockey, James Branton pulling one back for our boys. Come on guys, let’s end this day on a high.

18.56

Final score in the waterpolo is 19-10 to Lancaster. Unlucky guys, it’s been one of those days.

18.54

George and I are polishing off a dangerous amount of free sandwiches. Lancaster are now 19 -10 up in the waterpolo and Tim is looking good for his third win on the trot. Rhianna is not doing so well unfortunately…

18.52

Spectators in the hockey talking about Ronan Keating. They reckon he was a good pop star. Nouse don’t.

18.49

We’re losing 10-0 in the Table Tennis B and 6-3 in the A. Henry Foy’s been late with updates because he was “warming Rhianna up”. Okie dokie.

18.46

Henry Cowen tells us the scorer in the women’s game – Rachel Faustino. Only a few hours late there Henry. CLASSIC REPORTING.

18.45

It’s 16-10 to Lancaster in the third quarter of the waterpolo and 2-0 to Lancaster in the men’s hockey firsts.

18.43

Leigh Clarke now. Just been at the football getting soaked. Apparently we won the sailing earlier, winning three races in the best of five event.

18.36

Hockey half-time: 1-0 to Lancaster

18.34

Reza takes the second set. Is there a chance York could achieve the impossible here? Well, no.

18.32

Hold the phone! Is there a new table tennis hero to usurp Tim’s crown – a player called Reza is 1-0 and 7-5 up on table A – the arena of champions. Table B, however, is looking like a Lancaster whitewash

18.31

11-6 to Lancaster in the men’s water polo. Work to be done.

18.31

A superb effort from Henry Meller strikes the post in the hockey

18.30

York are running out of steam at the water polo – now trailing 11-5

18.28

Hockey sideline banter: “whores have hearts”

18.27

Mark Inman has been sin binned at the hockey for swearing at the umpire. Maverick

18.26

9-5 to Lancaster in the men’s water polo

18.26

Lancaster nearly make it two in the hockey but, it’s end to end, and their keeper is suddenly called into action

18.25

5-0 whitewash for the men’s squash team. Finally, some good news for York!

18.24

Tim, the hero of the hour at the table tennis, says: “My exam finished at 12 and i had to rush here. We tried our best and it is a great team effort.” Tim, we salute you, what a legend.

18.23

At the men’s water polo, Lancaster lead 6-3 at the first changearound. Reflecting on the women’s match earlier, Emily Hirst bemoans York having only one replacement, while Lancaster had seven. Fatigue was definitely a factor.

18.22

1-0 to Lancaster in the men’s hockey and a goal totally against the run of play – a common occurance today

18.19

TIMMY STRIKES AGAIN!!! He takes the fifth set 11-6 to win his rubber, despite being 2-1 down in sets at one point. The King of table tennis!

18.19

A correction from earlier: The Netball firsts score was 51-27 and not the more embarrassing scoreline initially reported. Sorry UYNC!

18.18

A tremendous run from Billy Walsh and Harris forces a save at the near post – York in the ascendancy for sure

18.17

The flick was awarded after a Lancaster foot on the line, but was saved low to the right. You get the feeling that York desperately need a win there

18.16

And in the same game, Andy Harris sees his penalty flick saved. So close.

18.14

It’s all York at the moment in the men’s hockey, with the pace of Bode causing all kinds of problems

18.14

Despite monumental odds, Table tennis Tim is just not giving up. He is the Leonidas of the sport. His match heads to a decider…

18.13

3-1 to Lancaster in the men’s firsts football with a scrappy goal. And there’s the final whistle, another four points to the Red Rose.

18.12

Lancaster are leading 3-1 in the men’s water polo, although Bowen-la Grange has got himself on the scoresheet

18.12

Lancaster are leading 3-1 in the men’s water polo, although Bowen-la Grange has got himself on the scoresheet

18.11

Tim loses to go 2-1 down. Freddie sadly loses 11-6 to hand Lanc the match.

18.10

Leigh- standing in a field, soaking wet, freezing cold and talking to Jason Rose. It wasn’t meant to be like this.

18.09

1-0 Lancs in the waterpolo

18.07

Table tennis: Freddie now down 2-1, still playing well. Tim at 5-7 in 3rd set.

18.06

At the waterpolo- ”Homoerotic pre-game rituals”. Thanks Huw for those images.

18.05

A quicksilver run by Niko Bode nearly breaks the deadlock at the hockey – still 0-0

18.03

A summary of the table tennis situation: each table has nine games – on the B table, it’s 6-0 to Lancaster. On the A table, it’s 5-1 to Lancaster. Oh dear

18.02

At the water polo, an unexpected delay as Arran Bowen-la Grange has forgotten the swim caps. Douche. Gorgeous George predicts a defeat, on the grounds that Lancaster have nice hoodies

18.01

The brass band have finally given up. Ury begins, according to Leigh

18.00

Dan Cox with a golden chance at the football, but the goalkeeper dips to snaffle the ball at his feet

18.00

The men’s firsts hockey is just getting underway with York in a pre-match huddle. Billy Walsh is hoping his bruised thumb holds up and he can actually grip his hockey stick!

17.54

Me and Asfahani are doing the maths – Lancaster, approaching the one hundred point mark, could have this won by the end of the day. Come on York!!!

17.52

Rhianna loses the third set of the table tennis 11-4 and is defeated despite a valiant effort without shoes. Robin shows some nice shots, but also goes down in straight sets

17.51

Full time at the women’s water polo and a couple of late Lancaster goals have stretched the lead to 5-1

17.50

And in some good news, York won the debating! Maybe next year, that will be a cause for celebration

17.49

Last ditch defending from Chris Grayland keeps Lancaster at bay in the footie, still 2-1

17.49

And Rhianna is also beaten in the second set, 11-4. Robin loses the second 11-8. Wish i had some positive table tennis news

17.47

York pull a goal back in the water polo – now 3-1. The inspirational rhetoric of our French lord obviously paid off

17.47

Rhianna loses her first set 11-3, as does Robin at the table tennis

17.46

Arran Bowen-la Grange, Earl of the Dordogne, trying to encourage the water polo girls

17.45

YORK WIN! Men’s Volleyball collect four points with straight sets win – 25-17 in the third set

17.45

Rhianna Kinchin bakc on the table tennis, and Robin. Looking to make amends for the straight sets defeat earlier

17.43

McKellow works a shooting position at the football, but his cross overshoots the penalty area. York looking for the opening

17.42

We need Jesus to win Roses now – Ambro

17.42

Table tennis news: Jay loses 3-1, Kat is two sets dow but leading in the third.

17.41

York closing in on the men’s volleyball points – lead 20-10 in the third set. The women’s team are banging on the floor to show their support!

17.40

3-0 now to Lancaster in the women’s water polo

17.37

Table tennis latest: Jay has taken a set for York, but he still trails 2-1. Katherine has shed the second set and is 2-0 down

17.36

Boston United are going up!! Please excuse that personal indulgence

17.36

In the volleyball, Joynson, Lancaster’s number 11, is having a mare! 15-8 to York and he’s been subbed in disgrace

17.35

2-1 to Lancaster in the football, It’s just not our day…

17.34

The men’s football is like a tragic sitcom (Clarke, 2010)

17.34

Speculation that some of tomorrow’s games are going to be cancelled if this rain continues

17.33

Table tennis latest: Jay back in action, two sets down. Katherine is back too, one set down

17.32

Six points in a row at the volleyball and York lead 8-5. Looking set fair for victory

17.29

Sam Clitheroe misses the ball in a one-on-one, leaving the goal exposed but some desperate defending and York survive

17.28

Shaky start to the third set at the volleyball, 5-2 to Lancaster

17.28

four points to York in the men’s squash! Atkinson wraps up the fourth set 11-7 for a 3-1 success. Points on the board!

17.27

2-0 to Lancaster in the women’s water polo

17.27

The silky ball skills of Henry Cowenaldo are providing greater half-time entertainment that the brass band…

17.26

York go two sets to the good in the men’s volleyball – 25-19 in the second. OVER THE NET!

17.26

Freddie vanson lost in the table tennis, 7-1. This is a bit of a lost cause now for York.

17.25

A quiet start to the women’s water polo, but Lancaster have taken the lead in the second quarter

17.23

Tess Webb is with me, studiously writing a netball round-up. You don’t know how lucky you are.

17.22

And in another bizarre twist, a brass band are playing at the football. How northern. Or, in Leigh’s words, Soviet. 1-1 at the interval.

17.21

And in further table tennis news, Tim has won!!! 10-4 in the fourth set and 3-1 overall. Shame it’s York’s first victory though

17.21

That’s Freddie of Save Palestine fame. SOZ. He’s won the third set, but still trails 2-1 overall

17.20

Two Lancaster players collide going for the same ball in the volleyball – York are leading 19-15 in the second set

17.19

Atkinson’s third set in the squash is much closer, he seems to have got a little complacent. Lancs take it 11-8

17.18

Clarke is soaked like a bitch

17.18

The marvellous Tim is now 2 sets to 1 up in the table tennis. Freddie Vanson (of Palestine fame?) is 2-0 down in match eight

17.17

Atkinson bossing his squash game, soaking up the compliments from the crowd, and leading 11-2 in the second set

17.15

Lancaster are happy with the lack of communication in the huddle at the volleyball – York have opened a 12-8 lead in the second set, having also taken the first

17.14

York have equalised in the football – CONOR BRENNAN!

17.12

Brennan effort hacked off the line at the men’s firsts football – they just can’t handle him

17.11

Second set at the volleyball is 6-6. Pete Iveson unsportingly cheering as a lancs serve flies out of court

17.11

HJF message to Dante: watching table tennis should have been the 7th circle in his inferno. Discuss.

Tim has won two sets for York. Come on Tim!

17.10

Leigh at the football in the pouring rain – apparently the linesman took one look at him and just laughed

17.09

Paul Atkinson, representing the squash thirds, is going to be punched if he loses

17.06

Volleyball anger! Tempers are flaring in the Lancaster huddle between quarters

17.06

Full time: men’s seconds football 3-1 to Lancaster – they only had three shots on goal all match

17.04

Lancaster have taken the lead in the men’s football – the goalkeeper couldn’t grasp the slippery ball from a free-kick, easy finish for the home striker

17.04

At the men’s volleyball, York have won the first set 25-17

17.03

Lancaster take the table tennis set 13-11, so it finishes 3-2 in sets. All six matches have been won by Lancaster so far

17.02

2-0 to york in the men’s squash, having just won the second match 11-4 in the third set. Happy days

17.02

Lancaster’s manager is pissing off the ref at the men’s firsts. Grow up.

17.02

It’s so close in there as well, currently 11-11 in the final set!

17.00

Quote from Rhianna Kinchin: “No idea who i’m playing next but i’m psyched now that I’ve played their number one, the rest should be ‘easy’” And she doesn’t even have shoes on…

16.57

3-1 to Lancaster in the men’s seconds football, looking like game over unfortunately. York have had the better of the play as well, but looks like they’ll go without reward

16.56

Squash and York continue to excel, they’re two sets up now, having taken that one 11-6

16.55

Good opening for Conor Brennan at the football, saved well by the Lancs goalkeeper. While at the volleyball, in the first set it’s 13-7 to York

16.53

At the squash, York win the first game of the second match 11-3

16.52

In the men’s seconds football, outlandish drag back and megs by centre back Dom Henney. tekkers

16.52

Table tennis: match 5 level in sets and 5-5 in points. Squaresville. Lancs a set up in match six

16.50

Sophie Hossack confirms Charlie Bartlett will be ok at the hockey – the game ends 3-3 although the general feeling is that York have been hard done by

16.49

Great start in the volleyball, York are 5-1 up early doors

16.49

2-1 to Lancaster in the men’s seconds, against the run of play – their first chance all half

16.48

Foy reckons table tennis is not our forte: in match five, Lancaster are a set up, with York 9-8 ahead in the second. In match six, it’s 7-5 to Lancaster in the first set

16.47

Ambulance at the women’s hockey for Charlie. Despite this, the York girls are fighting on valiantly

16.45

No real chances in the men’s firsts football – just rain, rain and more rain

16.42

Cowen at the hockey, where Lancaster have forced a succession of short corners and are pushing hard – the weather is truly atrocious. Duh.

16.40

Goalless in the men’s firsts football – which Leigh is watching from the burger van to avoid the contraction of pneumonia

16.38

York in the ascendancy at the football seconds. They’ve just struck the crossbar, while the incessant driving rain is making any kind of attractive football simply impossible – 1-1

16.36

York quickly into their stride in the men’s squash, winning the first match 11-3, 11-1, 4-11, 11-7. Great start there

16.35

Shergold now on the blog shift, pint in hand

16.35

And alarming reports that Jason Rose has turned insane and is running through the woods in the rain like a madman…

16.34

At the table tennis, Arrowsmith loses the fourth set and the match 3-1

16.33

Chris Young at the men’s squash – where York are winning by 4 games to 1 in the opening match of the schedule. So far so good

16.32

3-3 at the hockey through a very controversial goal – the York players believe nobody touched it in the D, but lancaster are level

16.30

Table tennis and Katherine Arrowsmith needs to win the next set to keep York in it

16.29

At the hockey, Lancaster nearly equalise from a short corner but some dogged defending from York preserves the lead

16.27

Joe Cooper equalises for York in the men’s seconds football – it’s one-apiece on a rain soaked football pitch

16.25

Now 3-2 at the hockey, a penalty flick. Tension town

16.25

York have gone 3-1 up at the hockey, spurred on by the injury to their teammate.

16.21

Henry Cowen assures us that Charlie is being looked after well at the hockey and the nasty Lancastrian fans have left, perhaps in fear of being ‘shanked’ by Jake. Two wrongs chaps…

16.19

The ever intrepid Ambro is ‘drowning’ at the football where Lancaster hold a slender 1-0 advantage at half time.

16.18

The women’s squash have lost 5-0 overall. The men are getting ready now, they should be favourites to win this so hopefully a beleaguered Chris Young will have something to cheer shortly

16.14

The final score at the netball is in, 69-27 to Lancaster. An increasingly gloomy Leigh Clarke reckons it will need a monumental turn around this evening if York are to have any chance.

16.12

It appears the boot is on the other foot at the hockey. Henry Cowen is literally seething at Lancastrian fans laughing at York’s Charlie Bartlett who has been hit in the face and has blood streaming everywhere, we hope she’s ok.

16.11

It’s a rather limp surrender in the women’s squash as a whitewash looks increasingly likely.

16.09

Both Robin and Rhianna Kinchin are losing at the table tennis and the gap at the netball has opened up to 40-23 in Lancaster’s favour, keep the faith Tess!

16.07

Henry is keen to hail Rob Newton as an ‘all round hero’ presumably for his lack of participation in upsetting banter. Emily Lucas is certainly a hero, she’s put the women’s hockey 2-1 up!!

16.04

George Lowther has arrived with flapjacks for all. Strawberry or Banana? I’ve plumped for the Strawberry.

16.00

Justyn Hardcastle has arrived for photographic reinforcements, nice to see you brought the weather with you Justyn

16.00

Ambro tells it like it is at the men’s football thirds.

15.59

We’ve got the Heineken Cup semi finals on here at the Fylde College Bar. Imagine that, Sky Sports at a college bar. Toulouse 3-0 up over reigning champions Leinster in what should be a titanic struggle

15.56

Dr Shergold is back, he’s soaking wet and Boston are 1-0 down. Stay well away folks.

15.54

Only pride to play for down at the women’s squash now, just as well as it’s a heavy defeat for York’s women’s second seed: 11-4, 11-3, 11-4.

15.52

Rhianna Kinchin is being forced to play her table tennis match barefoot according to Foy. What size are your feet Henry? Can’t you be a gent and lend her your shoes?

15.50

Our lead at the hockey didn’t last long 1-1. Tess ‘Cassandra’ Webb has changed her tune, she thinks York can still come back in the netball.

15.48

Action heating up in the Netball 1sts match. Dr Shergold would definitely approve.

15.47

Lancaster dominating on the football pitch, 1-0 at the men’s seconds, bundling one in from a corner. 5-0 to Lancs in the women’s where the floodgates are well and truly open

15.45

Chris Young has put his prejudices to one side and admits Lancaster’s squash girls are ‘strong’. As are their netballers evidently who lead 32-18.

15.42

Henry Cowen has been bemoaning the lack of action at the women’s firsts hockey but Rachel Faustino has opened the scoring for York! It appears he is finding UYHC’s brand of banter equally as distressing as Jake. Poor lambs.

15.38

Lancaster’s ginger ninja at the squash has turned it around to take the fourth game and clinch victory 3-1, much to Chris’s chagrin, I think he fancies her really.

15.37

Wynes has scored again and it’s 4-0 at the football, Adam Shergold’s thoughts doubtless switching to Boston’s playoff, currently locked at 0-0 with Bradford PA if you’re wondering.

15.36

Photos from the Mens and Womens football matches today, were both teams struggled against determined opposition (Peter Iveson)

15.35

The men’s seconds football is underway, Lancaster waste a golden chance, blazing over from 5 yards out after just 20 seconds according to Ambro.

15.33

Lancaster president Sue Wynes has scored making it 3-0 in the women’s football

15.32

Chris’ abuse appears to be paying off, ‘The Witch’ is 7-2 down in the fourth game, York mounting a comeback…

15.29

A bit of good news as Chris gleefully reports that the ginger pirate has had her lead cut to 2-1 in the squash after a 12-10 win for York in the third game

15.27

Another defeat for York at the Men’s seconds tennis and Jake’s phone has broken, could things get any worse?

15.25

Tess has given up all hope at the netball as Lancaster go 21-8 up.

15.24

While the Mens 3rds lose 2-1, rivalry becomes apparent (Photo: Peter Iveson)

15.23

Chris Young is no longer my friend. He claims the Lancastrian squash player does not deserve to win because she is ginger (and wearing a stupid pirate bandana), any more of that Chris and i’ll personally make you walk the plank.

15.20

Henry James Foy certainly has more than one fan unless that comment happens to also be from Adam Shergold…

15.19

York win the Men’s 2nds Hockey as, in true northern style, the weather takes a turn for the worse (Photos: Sam Newsome)

15.17

Bad news at the squash as Lancaster take the first game of the women’s third seeds match 11-7

15.13

The rain appears to be slowing down, sadly too late to save me from an absolute drenching at the rugby 7s, but some badly needed points for York have made it all worthwhile, let’s hope we’re still in the contest when the XVs takes place tomorrow!

15.11

The women are warming up and there are enough pairs of Jack Wills sweat pants to open a small outlet store, according to the not-at-all overly fashion conscious Jake Farrell,

15.09

Lancaster 9-2 ahead in the netball, and the atmosphere is apparently “crazy”. Huw Harrow here to take over.

15.07

And the fourth seed squash player has lost it. They can not lose another game or the Roses points will be gone.

15.06

Deciding game in the squash women’s fourth seed match and it’s 9-8 to York.

15.04

Adam advises me not to leave the bar as he stands soaked, watching the women’s football firsts lead 2-0. Most of our team have come back to the hub now.

15.03

That thrilling tennis match has been halted! The tension! Netball firsts are 4-1 down.

15.02

York win the men’s hockey seconds 1-0. Men’s and women’s firsts still to come.

15.01

Two games a piece in the squash women’s fourth seed match. If they lose that they’ll have to win all of the remaining games to take the Roses points.

14.57

The squash fifth seeds lost and the fourth seeds are losing. Jake texts me to tell me its raining. Well observed Jake.

14.56

Billy Walsh will play later today with a suspected broken thumb, sustained in yesterday’s indoor game. Billy Walsh can touch MC Hammer.

14.55

Rugby coach Alec Porter is a master tactician. “Give him it” he shouts, pointing at lightning-fast Gabriel Adebiyi.

14.54

Really raining hard now. Lancaster grab a consolation try in the rugby but it ends 12 – 7 York.

14.53

Rhianna Kinchin needs size five or six trainers for her table tennis game later. Anyone able to help her out?

14.51

York take the lead in the final tennis singles game. Remember Henry described this as a massacre earlier, it really has been an amazing turnaround.

14.50

Jake’s not enjoying the hockey. Last two games have been very dull. Still 1-0 to the White Rose.

14.49

Felgate might have clinched the rugby, putting his side 12-0 up. Impressive showings in the 7s rugby from York.

14.47

York women’s squash fourth seeds are 1-1 in their match.

14.46

Huw is soaked at the rugby. It’s unsurprisingly scrappy but York lead 5-0.

14.45

York’s squash fifth seeds won their second game 12-10, coming from 10-9 down.

14.43

Gabriel Adebiyi opens the scoring for the men in the 7s. That guy can sprint.

14.42

York won the netball seconds 41-26. Firsts up, can they get the clean-sweep?

14.41

Jake says that Rob Newton, Andy Mac and the girls are keeping out of the “thugs clique”. Good for them.

14.41

Tim Ngwena is banging a drum in support of the men’s 7s firsts. The heavens have opened. Both of Lancaster’s goals in the third’s football were York own goals.

14.39

York’s Emma Cooper scores with last play in the 7s to level the score. Conversion is missed and it’s a draw! Thrilling stuff!

14.38

York women’s squash fifth seeds are losing 6-3, despite winning the spin. Chris thinks the Yorker are following him. I wouldn’t blame them if they did Chris.

14.37

The sixth seed game in the tennis will decide the Roses points. No pressure then guys.

14.36

Jake is keen to again state his disdain at the hockey banter. Fair enough. Netball 37-22 up with little time to go and even Lancaster’s best friends, the karate team, can’t save them now. That would be messy.

14.34

York serving to take the fifth seed match in the tennis and the sixth has gone to a final set. This could be a stunning turnaround.

14.34

Lancaster desperately defend as York’s Netball 2nds score again (Photo: Sam Newsome)

14.33

135-110 to Lancaster in the fencing. Disappointing day for the fencers.

14.32

Lancaster won the thirds football 2-1. Could have been worse for York.

14.31

Lancaster 12-7 up now in the women’s 7s. Burnley have grabbed a goal back. Rain looks imminent.

14.30

York 1-0 up in the hockey. At last.

14.30

York are still in it at the tennis, with the fourth seed having won. York need to win the fifth and sixth seed games to take the Roses points.

14.29

Action from the squash courts as Nouse photographer gets quite sad about the joys of wide-angle (Photos: Sam Newsome)

14.28

Women’s squash starting now. Anne Marie Treloar and Hannah Sisman are representing York first.

14.27

I’m not sure Chris Young is enjoying the squash. York are 2-0 down overall.

14.26

In all seriousness, Jake Farrell is not impressed with the banter at the hockey, which he says now resembles “bullying”. “Perhaps if the men’s thirds had concentrated on the game, rather than their cider orders, they would have not capitulated so poorly earlier.”

14.24

York have pulled one back in the football – GAME ON. Lancaster take the men’s fencing and it’s 7-7 at half time in the women’s 7s.

14.21

Foy describes the tennis as a “Lanc massacre”, it’s really not going well for York there. Netball seconds are 28-17 up,

14.20

Emily Scott could face Sue Wynes in the women’s football. CLASH OF THE TITANS.

14.19

Lancaster first seed serving for the match. Good support from the men helped women’s rugby firsts to equalise.

14.19

Not going at all well for the men’s football thirds. Ali Laird is dispossessed in the area with a perfect slide tackle.

14.18

Women’s 7s firsts playing now. Good crowd support and Lancaster are 7 up.

14.17

Jake wants to incite some violence at the hockey to liven things up. York hanging in there at the tennis.

14.15

Spoke too soon! 2-0 to York in the women’s football. Tom Jones’s fencing team look set to lose. WHY WHY WHY DELILAH. Ok we’ll stop that now.

14.11

Shergie texts us to break the important news that…. nothing is happening at the women’s football.

14.10

Dour game at the hockey. Some girl in this bar has just reminded me that Dr. Who is on tonight. I’m glad there are no statues nearby.

14.09

York win 7s seconds game 29-17. More points on the board.

14.09

Tess is back! It’s 20-12 to York and Lancaster are getting angry.

14.08

Apologies, I forgot to recognise the important points that the women’s rugby teams might bring to the table for York. We’re relying on you girls!

14.07

20-9 to Lancaster in the men’s fencing. Come on Tom Jones you SEX BOMB.

14.06

19 – 17 now in the rugby 7s. End-to-end stuff there! Foy thinks Lancaster are about to wrap up the men’s tennis seconds.

14.05

Jake notices that the York support were calling a Lancaster player ‘vermin’, which even he thought was a bit harsh. Turns out that he has it written on his back. Standard.

14.04

Try to York and Rob ‘Naboo’ Grant converts the conversion (?) to put York 19 -10 up.

14.03

4-2 to Lancaster in the tennis now, York having some real difficulty in the singles.

14.02

York are 12-10 up in the rugby 7s. Lots of comedy kicking from the Lancastrians.

14.01

10-6 to the Lancaster epeeists. We hope Tom Jones can rouse them. WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT?

14.00

Oh dear, our female sports reporting has already finished. Sam sends me updates as apparently a player has barrelled into her on the sidelines. 17-8.

13.59

UDY ONWUDIKE.

13.58

BREAKING NEWS: Nouse have a female sports reporter at last! Tess Webb tells me that the netball seconds are 14-8 up.

13.57

One Lancaster player hasn’t gone blonde. Loser. Jake has just realised that female hockey players are fit. That’s that, we’ve lost him for the day.

13.56

2-0 Lancs in the football now. Sounds as it they deserve it. Shergie’s off to the women’s football. LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS!

13.55

Men’s captain Tom Jones thinks they should have won the Sabre but is “confident” in his epeeists. It’s not unusual to lose the Sabre Tom, it happens everyday…

13.52

In the tennis men’s seconds singles the first seed lost his first set but is 2-1 up in the second.

13.51

Excellent. York win the 7s thirds with Guy Holder-Williams running in from half way to put his side 24-17 ahead just before full time. Football seconds captain Ben Smith thinks that Joe Cooper will be crucial for his side.

13.49

The crowd are drunk at the hockey and York are looking good. Lancaster win the Foil 45-40 in the men’s fencing, but there’s still all to play for. 1-1 in the squash exhibition matches.

13.47

17-17 in the rugby. Credit to Lancaster, across the board they refuse to be beaten easily.

13.46

Strong long range shooting means that York are 9-6 ahead in the netball at the end of the first quarter. I’m all on my own now.

13.45

Lancaster have scored another try in the 7s but missed the conversion. Closer than we thought it would be.

13.44

York 7-5 up in the netball. Lancaster now one up in the football and Jake is eating a sandwich. Nice.

13.44

I reckon Liberals will get in at Watford. Rugby now 17-5 up. Every one of Ambro’s texts talks about Wynd. He’s either the star performer, or the only one with his name written on his back.

13.40

12-5 to York in the 7s thirds. Still 0-0 in the football. Lancaster ahead in the men’s squash seconds (exhibition).

13.40

13.39

85-74 to Lancaster overall in men’s fencing. Epee, our strongest weapon, is still to come however.

13.38

3-2 to York in the netball seconds.

13.37

Miles Mcdermott has just been flattened in the football. Poor little thing.

13.35

I’m in Watford, three-way marginal.

13.35

Action here from the fencing earlier today, courtesy of Sam Newsome

13.34

Right the rugby 7s thirds team have started and scored two tries instantly. 10-0. Five points available in 7s today and a lot of rugby points available tomorrow. Will UYRUFC save Roses for York?

13.34

Personally, i’m enjoying seeing Burnley get beaten yet again….

13.31

UYRUFC President Rory McGregor confident for sevens despite no training. Thirds up first, Lancaster have, as usual, dyed their hair blonde.

13.30

I need to send off my postal vote today. Who should I vote for?

13.27

York under pressure in the football. Sounds like only Wynd is keeping them in the game.

13.26

30-22 to Lancaster in the Foil. York really need to start getting some Roses points now, but rugby sevens is coming up soon.

13.24

York need to win half of the tennis single’s games to take the points for the men’s seconds fixture. Looking good.

13.23

George Lowther has brought me food. What. A. Guy.

13.22

Mike Wynd is apparently having a great game in the men’s football thirds. Why anyone would be watching Brum v Burnley is beyond me.

13.20

Henry’s last few updates have not had anything to do with fencing. I don’t know why we pay him (we don’t).

13.19

Henry Cowen’s talking Haribo at the fencing. Cowen and fencers love it so, the happy world of Haribo.

13.17

First chance in the men’s football thirds goes to Lancaster. York win the netball thirds 42-34. Well done Tess. Henry Foy and Vision’s editor are both at the tennis. I reckon it’s about to kick off.

13.15

Birmingham have scored. I thought Sam Newsome would be pleased. He isn’t, he’s a Gooner. LEGEND.

13.15

Pictures here of Lancaster’s penalty flick miss, followed moments late by a goal by York (Peter Iveson)

13.14

Women’s thirds win the hockey 3-2. York won the doubles in the men’s seconds 2-1. Netball leading 39-33. Man gets ball to face in football. ROSES!

13.12

Some poster sabotaging going on at the fencing. 18-14 to the men in the Foil.

13.10

39 -30 to York in the netball with five to play. Surely over? DON’T JINX IT LEIGH.

13.10

Well I never. Hockey is now 3-2 to York. We jinxed it.

13.09

Second and third pairings going down to the wire in the tennis. I love Tennis.

13.08

Women’s fencing Press and Publicity officer Sarah Aynsley attributes the loss to a long Easter break. “Next year though, we’ll be ready”, she says.

13.06

OH AND THATS A BAD MISS…York dominating in the Women 2nds Hockey (Photo: Peter Iveson)

13.06

36-28 to York in the netball with ten minutes left. I’m not sure we were expecting victory here so that’s excellent.

13.06

Lancaster get one back in the hockey but it’s all over.

13.04

York women’s seconds get a third in the hockey. DOMINANT. I’d be crying too.

13.03

Final score in the women’s fencing 133-102 to Lancaster. Well I never.

13.02

The brass band (we think this is a delayed opening ceremony!) is playing match of the day on the pitch opposite the football. It’s sunny, atmosphere is building and sport is happening everywhere. Roses Saturday is here!

12.59

Netball are 37-27 up in the netball. Still all to play for.

12.59

Jake says hockey has got boring again. Peter Iveson is now sitting next to me. Coincidence? I think not.

12.58

York men 5-1 down in the foil and the women are losing their final bout 39-40. Of course they’ve lost it overall already.

12.57

Gorgeous George Lowther is now here. He really is a stunning human being.

12.55

The football is just about to start. Men’s thirds up first, Ambro tells us its going to be epic. Savage banter at the hockey, apparently that girl was actually crying earlier. Poor thing.

12.55

Mens 2nds Tennis action (Photo: George Lowther)

12.54

Phew, the texts have stopped for a second! Gives me a chance to watch the Birmingham/Burnley game and look at Sam Newsome’s lovely face for a bit.

12.53

York 29-25 ahead in the third quarter of the netball third’s game. Sounds like a bloody cracker.

12.51

Pete says that the penalty flick was “flicking awful”. And, as he does, the same guy misses another! Jake says he is now crying. We don’t believe you Jake.

12.49

Will clear up some confusion, the women’s is not over yet but there is no way we can win. Lancaster are too far ahead. Again, unbelievable.

12.48

More Netball 3rds (Photo: Sam Newsome)

12.48

45-43 to Lancaster in the men’s Epee. Lancaster 20 York 25 in third quarter of the netball. Lancaster tennis second pair serving for to go 7-5 up (8 to win).

12.46

Action from the Netball 3rds in the Main Sports Hall (Photo: Sam Newsome)

12.46

York’s top tennis seeds won 8-6. Lovely jubbly.

12.45

Third Lancaster pair are serving at 6-5 up to take the set in the tennis. Vicious banter at the hockey. Meanwhile I’m trying to get all these updates up at once! Roses really is in full swing.

12.42

But they’ve extended their lead – Leyland and co. go mental!

12.41

Lancaster miss a penalty in the hockey, York hanging on by the skin of their teeth,

12.41

Tennis scores: third pair up 5-4, seconds up 4-3 and firsts 5-4.

12.40

20-14 to York in the netball and it’s nearing the end of the third quarter.

12.39

The women’s fencing team have lost. It’s been a great season for them, but that is a disappointment.

12.37

35-23 TO York men in the fencing. BACK OF THE NET.

12.36

Shergold has taken over at the netball. York 17 Lancaster 12. CLASSIC INTERCOURSE.

12.35

Men’s tennis doubles: First seeds 4-4 on serve, second seeds 2-3 on serve and thirds 4-3 up (but were 4-1). CASHBACK

12.33

The girls are 10-3 up in the Epee but unlikely to win overall. This is more amazing than Burnley in the Europa League.

12.32

Peter Iveson is singing some Dizzee Rascal songs to Jake. I really can’t imagine that.

12.31

16-12 to York in the netball, it’s now half time in the hockey.

12.30

Leigh here now, by the way. York now 13-11 up in the netball. Go Tess Webb! Meanwhile BNOC and college cup hero Parris Williams stands alone on the sidelines watching the Lancaster team train.

12.29

Lancaster get a short corner. Thirds keeper wants pigeon murder to be knows as ‘manslaughter’. Or would that be “pigeonslaughter”? All we know is that you can’t have either without laughter.

12.27

Men are winning the epee 30-19, women just lost the sabre.

12.27

11-10 at the end of the first quarter in the netball thirds. Chris Young leaving there to do YSTV stuff soon, traitor!

12.22

Great saves helping York to hold on in the hockey and it’s 10-9 in the netball. Some games here!

12.21

17-8 is the full time score in the mixed Lacrosse. 8-7 to Lancaster now in the netball, York slowly getting back in it!

12.20

45-21 to Lancaster in the Sabre now. Apparently York need a 30 point win in the Epee to take the points. Mens’ Fencer Mike Denniss says “the girls can do it”, and Becky Ellis talks of “positive thinking”, but both bemoan the lack of Katharine Gracey. Oh Gracey, WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN US?

12.18

More action from the Mixed Lacrosse – George Lowther again with the photo

12.16

Action from the Mixed Lacrosse, where York lead 16-7 (Photo: George Lowther)

12.15

At the netball, Lancaster look good on the ball as York are guilty of some poor discipline – 5-1 to the hosts at the moment.

12.14

35-19 to Lancaster in the Women’s Sabre down at the Fencing. A real shock on the cards here.

12.14

Lancaster come very close to equalising in the Womens Hockey, but it’s still 1-0 York down there.

12.13

Mens Fencing getting underway now – in the Sabre, York have Harry Whitwell, Tom “Sexbomb” Jones and Joe “Hulk” Hogan. Whitwell, James Quelch and Phil Sellars are in the Foil, and Mike Denniss, Sellars and Whitwell are in the Epee.

Whitwell – who’s a bit of a Fencing Whore by the sounds of that teamsheet – is shouting “BOOM” everytime he wins a point.

10-5 to York at the moment. BOOMBOOMBOOM.

12.11

Great atmosphere down at the Womens’ 3rds Netball after that emphatic Volleyball comeback. Chances for both sides early on, but Lancaster 2-1 up. Players are “like Meercats on speed” according to Chris Young, who is steering close to a Camilla Jenkins Trampolining disaster with that comment.

12.10

16-5 to York now in the Lacrosse as Anna Yeomans becomes the first girl on the scoresheet in this Mixed encounter.

12.09

Ladies Seconds take the lead in the Hockey, as some SHOCKING rumours flood the Nouse desk. Defeated YS candidate Rob Newton informs our reporter that the Third Team Goalkeeper killed a pigeon last night, by standing on it.

Savage.

12.06

Lewis Bretts, we hear, is rocking some fly shades while watching the Womens’ Hockey. I was dancing dub-step with the Brettster last night, perhaps that’s the reason for the shades. Another short corner goes to waste on the pitch.

12.04

Hold on, hold on. Lancaster’s “Flatcap” gets another for the Lacrosse team: 14-4 now.

12.04

Pippa Caddick takes her Fencing bout 7-5, but she can’t overhaul Lancaster’s overall momentum – 20-12 to the hosts in the Sabre.

12.02

Lancaster pull one back in the Lacrosse. 14-3 now, which is still a long way off respectable.

12.02

The Cider has arrived on the astroturf for the valiant York Third Hockey lads, who were narrowly defeated. None for Lancaster though, much to their chagrin. Still, maybe laying off the Strongbow was the key to their success. Short corner for York’s Women’s Seconds though.

12.00

Gory details from the Lacrosse. A York player has got a ball smack in his chevy chase, and there’s blood everywhere. Ouch. Thankfully the score is more painful for Lancaster though – 14-2 down there with only one quarter left to play.

11.58

YORK WIN THE VOLLEYBALL. 15-8 in the final set, outstanding comeback.

11.57

The Nouse ensemble has shifted slightly – the high-tech building we were based out of yesterday has defeated us with it’s assorted array of gadgetry – timed doors, swipe-card access, Spooks-style door entry. So we’re in a good old fashioned bar now, and Huw Harrow shouldn’t get into any more fights with any automated glass doors…

11.56

York 9-6 up in the final volleyball set. INCREDIBLE.

11.56

Men’s seconds fencing ended 135-106 to York but was an exhibition match do did not count. 10-4 to Lancaster at the beginnign of the Sabre and the women’s hockey seconds take the lead.

11.49

It’s first to fifteen in the fifth set of volleyball and currently 4-4. Memories of Liverpool at Istanbul come to mind, this would be a truly epic come back.

11.48

Delayed start at the women’s hockey and intimidation tactics in the LacrossE. THIS IS ROSES!

11.45

York have taken the fourth set 25-23 in the volleyball. Incredible scenes.

11.43

Lancaster won the Foil 45-36. Not as easy as we thought it would be.

11.42

Coming up in 20 minutes will be the start of the Tennis schedules – a sport that has 14 points up for grabs. York didn’t drop a set last year, so if the 2010 squad can maintain that record, that should boost the score nicely. Yours truly will be ambling down to the courts shortly, praying the rain holds off.

11.41

9-2 York in the mixed Lacrosse. 22-21 to York in the mixed volleyball fourth set.

11.40

To put this into perspective, York won the tournament last year at 15.54. That’s 4 and a bit hours away.

11.36

35-30 to York in the fencing. Tighter than we expected.

11.33

York player changing her top pitchside. Huw Harrow looks away bashfully.

11.31

York now 30-26 up in the fencing and have fought back to 13-11 in the fourth set of the volleyball. Chris Young “couldn’t fight with a curved sword” apparently. OOH LA LA.

11.29

Louise gets ten fencing points in a row for York. Fencing gossip: her boyfriend is Britain’s No. 1 Epeeist. Would hate to be in that house when they have a row…

11.28

Had a chat with YS President-elect Sam Asfahani last night about ‘obscure’ sports in the Roses schedule. He reckoned that anything we were good at should be included. But where do you draw the line? I mean, imagine if we get a fresher next year who is REALLY GOOD at training seals to jump off diving boards? Just imagine. Or don’t imagine, and watch this.

11.27

Jake’s staying pitchside for women’s thirds. He needs a lighter. Filthy habit.

11.27

Balan makes it 5-1 to York in the Lacrosse but Lancaster are steaming ahead in the fourth volleyball set.

11.23

For those that care – and I’m sure you are out there – I have eschewed my prescribed sport for the morning, Debating, as it’s slated to go on all day, with the final at 5 o’clock. It’s not worth any points, but I’ll head over later to see if York’s finest brains have overcome the intellectual heavyweights of Lancaster.

11.23

Lancaster win the men’s thirds 4-3. I think Jake is going to cry.

11.22

End of first quarter in Lacrosse and York are 3-1 up. Huw has taken issue with a guy wearing a flat-cap. Lots of anger out there today, guys!

11.21

York are 20-11 down in the women’s fencing. Sort it out girls!

11.20

‘Firm’ in that Volleyball caption was, of course, referring to the actual defensive qualities of the blocks on display, and nothing else that may, er, be considered to be rather firm in the picture. PHWOAAAR.

11.20

Heartbreak, Lancaster find what must be the winner in the hockey.

11.18

York’s defence holds firm in the Mixed Volleyball Third Set, giving the visitors hope in the best of 5-set match (Photo: Pete Iveson)

11.17

25-18, York win the third set.

11.16

Action from the Mixed Volleyball, where York trail by two sets to nil, but are about to clinch the third. (Photo: Pete Iveson)

11.16

Lancaster have lost a player to the bin in the final minutes. This is our chance.

11.15

22-18 to York in the third at volleyball. Don’t call it a comeback.

11.15

Flurry of goals at the Lacrosse, 3-1 now to York.

11.14

“I have never wanted to win a hockey match so much. If York nick it I will dive head first along the Astro to the pricks next to me, screaming “Eat it, you closed minded over-confident gob-shites.” WE LOVE JAKE FARRELL.

11.14

York’s Matt North celebrates after scoring for the visitors in the Mens’ Hockey Thirds. (Photo: George Lowther)

11.12

Cowenaldo tells us that Lancaster’s Helen Graham did her undergraduate degree in York and played for us last year. The stuff that guy finds out.

11.10

York leading 18-12 in the third volleyball set. There’s life in this one yet.

11.10

Action from the Mens’ Hockey Thirds, where York and Lancaster are currently tied. (Photo: George Lowther)

11.10

Still all-square in the hockey, but York’s binned player has returned. Tense finish here.

11.09

Foil up first, then Sabre, then Epee. Judging on what I have seen so far this year, I predict wins in all three, Sabre being the most closely contested.

11.07

Rob Cosslet gives York an early lead in the mixed Lacrosse. Huw should have put some money on it after all.

11.06

But better news from the Volleyball! York lead 10-7 in the third set, after finally finding some form. Uphill battle from here though, with York needing to take every set to win the match.

11.05

Word from Henry Cowen at the fencing. Apparently York are missing superstar Katharine Gracey, with Sarah Ainsley, Victoria Summers and Pippa Caddick filling her sizeable shoes. Not sure how all three are going to fit into one suit, but there you go.

11.04

A York player has been sin-binned for a “seemingly nothing challenge” and suddenly it doesn’t look at all good for the White Rose. Meanwhile Huw says that he would put money on points for York in the LaX, “if he was a betting man”. Good news – he is.

11.02

Jake’s not happy. Lancaster have equalised at the hockey.

10.59

York girls have war paint on their faces at the Lacrosse. That’s the spirit!

10.58

I’ve done a bit of research, and at this point in 2008, York held a slender 1-point lead, and dominated Day Two, leaving them with a small target to win on the Sunday. Last year of course, York were almost home and dry with a 52-point advantage, and we all know how that panned out.

10.58

Tense at the hockey – both on and off the pitch. Jake wants our very own Mr. Muscle, George “Isn’t he gorgeous?” Lowther, to go down and fight the “sub-human scum” standing next to him. I hope they’re not reading this.

10.57

Lancaster 2-0 up in the volleyball. Something really special needed from York now.

10.56

Jake would “love it” if York beat Lancaster in the hockey and promises to go all Mourinho at the end. I’m not sure if he’s had a great morning. He also informs me that they have a “Reading Hockey Club” banner, with the first word scribbled out and replaced with “Lancaster.” Classy.

10.53

York haven’t been themselves today in the volleyball and have taken a time-out at 23-12. Shame, I thought that would be points on the board for York this morning.

10.50

…but 20-12 to Lancaster in the second set of the volleyball.

10.49

York score from a short corner to go 3-2 up in the hockey. Getting better…

10.48

Esteemed YS President Emily Scott, who needs to rally her troops Henry V style if they are to make her the toast of Roger Kirk on Sunday night, has told Henry Cowen “Yesterday was always going to be our worst day, because of exams and the amount of indoor sports, which we’re traditionally not very good at. But after today we should get a bit closer, yesterday there were a lot of close games, hopefully they will go our way today. If everybody wants it enough we will get it.”

Not exactly “Once more into the breach,” but defiant nonetheless.

10.46

York time -out at 14-7 Lancs in the second set. Janis Koknevics playing well but the four points look Lancaster bound.

10.45

Fencing getting underway soon. Now I’m going to put my neck on the line and say we’re going to get all of the points there. Our fencers are THE outstanding York team this year.

10.43

My eye, which has been hurting all day, is getting better. SOME GOOD NEWS AT LAST.

10.42

2-2 in the hockey at half time and Lancaster are ahead 9-5 in the second set. The latter could be over very soon.

10.41

Jake is having some serious issues with the sideline support. This is what happens when you send mockney wannabe “gangstas” who come out with phrases like “the nuts”, and “sick” to dangerous areas.

10.37

A player with “stiff un’ written on his back argues as Lancaster lose a player to the sin-bin. I’m slightly worried for Henry and Jake’s safety down there.

10.35

Climbing has been moved to tomorrow, Lancaster take the first set in the volleyball and Jake Farrell is apparently not getting on with the firsts hockey team on the sidelines. Be nice, Jake.

10.34

The Gordon Ramsey of university hockey because of his boisterous personality, not his cooking skills (although they might also be good.)

10.31

Billy Walsh, the Gordon Ramsey of university hockey, described the penalty decision as “outrageous”.

10.30

20-9 now in the first set of the volleyball. They’re going to need something special now to avoid going 1-0 down overall.

10.29

Lancaster equalise. Gutting.

10.26

Penalty to Lancaster in the hockey. Tense times for York.

10.25

14-6 now in the volleyball and York looking a little sluggish. Lancaster meanwhile are clinical and ruthless when taking their chances.

10.23

Lancaster are 9-5 up in the first set of the mixed volleyball. York still ahead in the hockey thirds game.

10.22

Lancaster pull one back and the crowd go wild. In the wider world of sport City v Villa is the highlight of the Prem fixtures, but in reality the only game anyone will be watching is Shergold’s beloved Boston United vs. Bradford Park Avenue in the Unibond Premier League playoff final.

10.18

Just to let you know, York lost all the darts and pool last night. To be fair, that happened last year as well.

10.16

James Lewis puts York 2-0 ahead. KISS MY FACE.

10.13

The atmosphere is apparently really heating up at the hockey. Forget yesterday, Roses begins now. YOOOOOOOOORKSHIIIIIRE.

10.12

The loudspeaker has been whipped out at the hockey. Inevitable really. Meanwhile the scorers have been asking Shergold questions about the rules. Not so good.

10.10

Lancaster AU President Sue Wynes at the volleyball: “Very pleased with how it’s gone so far. Hope to wrap it up today, but more likely tomorrow.”

10.09

Nouse can exclusively reveal that the men’s hockey team’s preparation for match-day might have involved Spar mega-buns. Sluggish.

10.07

First goal of the day! Phil Stewart puts York one up in the hockey. This game’s only worth one point, but the comeback has to start somewhere.

10.06

York look up for the hockey, and York Sport President Emily Scott has turned up pitchside.

10.05

Mixed volleyball team are missing a few players and have apparently only been able to fit in one training session before today. Lancaster’s women are a league above York and their men a league below.

10.03

The men’s hockey thirds are also underway on the Astro. In the past few tournaments this has been one the last game of the weekend, last year’s encounter being a fiery classic.

10.00

Vomcano, I heard Henry ‘Mentalist’ Cowen was the one who got him drunk. Bad influence if you ask me.

09.56

York have a massive squad in the mixed volleyball, the day’s first fixture. Adam Shergold expects a York win.

09.51

Also, just to clear things up. Adam Shergold did not CHUNDER EVERYWHERE, as I told the blog last night. He actually only relieved himself by the side of the M6. Well that’s alright then.

09.48

Leigh here now. Things just about to get started now. Last night a girl laughed at me when I said that I went to York, saying : “You guys had a nightmare today.” I reckon we’ll be the last laughing though – today has a selection of fixtures that should put big points on the board for York.

09.41

The magic number of points required for victory this year is 132, so Lancaster are almost half way there. And what a contrast to last year at this point!

09.38

The first events this morning get underway at 10, with the archery, the sailing at Bolton, men’s thirds hockey and mixed volleyball

09.28

The current score looks a little bleak from a York perspective, with Lancaster establishing a commanding 60.5-27.5 lead on the opening day. However, this is nowhere near over, with many of York’s stronger sports coming up today

09.26

Good morning and welcome to Nouse’s live blog of Roses Saturday!

Bode hat-trick sees York take Indoor Hockey spoils

Henry James Foy — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:12:02 +0000

YORK MEN’S FIRSTS 5  LANCASTER MEN’S FIRSTS 3

YORK WOMEN’S FIRSTS 1 LANCASTER WOMEN’S FIRSTS 1

YORK MEN’S SECONDS 2 LANCASTER MEN’S SECONDS 2

YORK WOMEN’S SECONDS 2 LANCASTER WOMEN’S SECONDS 5

A hat-trick from Nico Bode saw York record a memorable win in the Mens’ Firsts’ Indoor Hockey match by 5 goals to 3.

A spirited second-half display saw off a strong Lancaster side in a high-octane encounter, to snatch the overall Indoor Hockey points victory by 3.5 to 2.5.

Trailing 3-1 in a physical encounter with 15 minutes to play, two goals from Bode after a Nick Latcham short corner saw York take the lead with only 4 minutes remaining.

Weathering a swathe of Lancaster attacks, York held on to their lead before Latcham added a beautifully struck second with the last hit of the game.

Billy Walsh and Captain Andy Harris provided trouble for the Lancaster defenders all match, with Walsh on the wrong side of some questionable refereeing decisions throughout.

Both sides had goals disallowed, and Lancaster missed an early penalty flick before Bode’s first squared the tie at half-time after the hosts took an early lead through one of the games many short corners.

The Mens’ Firsts’ needed to win to take the overall victory, after the Womens’ Firsts and Mens’ Seconds were held, and the Womens’ Seconds fell to a 5-2 defeat.

The Womens’ Firsts will be disappointed with their 1-1 draw, after dominating possession throughout the game. Imy Eldergill-Storm’s long-range effort took the lead early on, before a Lancaster short corner pegged them back before half time.

Charlie Bartlett was undoubtedly the best player on the pitch, and in conjunction with defensive partner Eldergill-Storm ensured Lancaster rarely troubled goalkeeper Beanie Usher after their equalizer.

Barlett’s marauding runs from the back provided a plethora of chances for strikers Laura Pepper and Rachael Faustino, but with three disallowed goals for the visitors – including the last shot of the game – Lancaster held on for an unlikely share of the points.

The opposite was true in the Mens’ Seconds, with a last-minute short corner for the hosts denying York a deserved win.

Goals from Mark Inman, who cut through the Lancaster defenders all game, and Michael Giblin looked set to hand York the victory, but frantic attacks from the home team found a way through the tight defensive pairing of Luke Featherstone and Giblin to win the last-gasp short corner.

Lancaster’s only victory came in the Womens’ Seconds, as York fell 5-2 to the hosts. Trailing 3-1 at half time, York were unable to convert a number of short corners, and despite pulling a goal back through Rachel Knighton, their opponents scored two second-half goals against the run of play to secure the points.

Yet Bode’s heroics saw York win the day with the outdoor matches to come tomorrow. Hockey President Sophie Hossack told Nouse she was “incredibly proud of the squads,” and was looking forward to getting on the Astroturf.

Roses 2010: Friday – As it happened

Adam Shergold — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 09:06:57 +0000

Live video coverage: http://www.lancs.ac.uk/socs/lutubetv/live.html

20.41

Well, with the darts and pool continuing long into the night, we’re going to shut up shop now. Tune in tomorrow for the same again and keep your eye open tonight for match reports on some of today’s action. YORKSHIRE.

20.33

Roses live seems to have stalled. The current score is 60.5 – 27.5. There’s no getting round it, this has been an excellent day for Lancaster.

20.29

The frisbee finished 10-9 to Lancaster, sounds as if it was a thriller. Shame for the Ultimate frisbee club though as, by the sound of it, they’ve put in two excellent performances today.

20.24

It’s 8-7 to Lancaster in the frisbee, with only four minutes left. It’s going to be a tense finish.

20.23

Hearing some golden rumours from Henry Foy. Apparently the the York Sport car had to pull over on the way back from the snow sports fixtures so that Adam ’100% Man” Shergold could CHUNDER EVERYWHERE. Sam Asfahani then fell flat on his face. Nouse does not approve of this laddish behaviour.

20.20

Actually it’s now 7-6 to Lancaster, still all to play for.

20.18

4-2 to Lancaster in the frisbee. Go Chris Young!

20.16

Leigh Clarke here now. It’s been a difficult day for York and everywhere the same old story about exams disrupting preparation has been constantly repeated. Yet that’s home advantage for you, and York will need to nullify it if they are going to claw back at this lead. It’s not going to be easy, but there’s a long way to go and, if today has taught us anything, it is that this year’s tournament is going to be hugely competitve.

20.08

Leigh Clarke rounds up the day’s Badminton action.

19.53

I’ve come in for a bit of (deserved) stick for my by-line picture today. I’m trying to think of some witty riposte but I admit defeat.

19.49

York have won the frisbee exhibition match 8-5. Chris Young you don!

19.49

York won the exhibition mixed frisbee event 8-5. The open event, worth two points, is about to start.

19.45

For Emma: The Darts team is coping well under intense home pressure. A source at the venue was heard by Nouse Photo King George Lowther saying: “This is place is filled with losers of every kind”

19.43

Things are slowing down here, but we will keep you up to date until the bitter end here on Day 1 of the 2010 Roses. I say the bitter end, I mean in about half an hour. We do have lives you know. Actually that’s debatable.

19.35

Pete Iveson thinks that Sarah Brown is “too good” for GB. Political crush ahoy!

19.34

As to the commenter asking for the “magic number” to win Roses this year, we are currently in the dark. With Dr. S out of the office we are devoid of incredible sporting knowledge. We are on the case.

19.32

Adam Shergold is somewhere in the region with a bucket of KFC, a pair of gardening gloves and a box of stella. True story.

19.31

There is a triumvirate of genius articles being written around me, I can almost see you all salivating.

19.27

Many of you will be looking forward to expert views from Pete Iveson on the world of martial arts. You’ll have to make do with Huw Harrow, his judo report is on the way.

19.26

I think there may be more to come on the snowboarding debacle. York university are currently a stagecoach that has encountered Dick Turpin. We’ve been robbed.

19.23

The race to finish the Guardian cross word is heating up. Pete Iveson is crying in the corner whilst rocking backward and forward softly saying “so many words, so little time”.

19.20

Holly ‘The Power’ Burton at the oche.

19.20

Winding up here in The Nouse Pod. I’ll missed this well provisioned learning environment. Anyway we’ve got one when we all get back in York…oh no wait. We haven’t.

19.18

Badminton article from Leigh Clarke on the way. Apparently “technicalities abound” in the snow boarding – sounds dubious from here.

19.17

It seems that York have been robbed on the slopes. A clean sweep has turned into a 10-2 win. Still a rout by anyone’s standards. Sam Asfahani is not best pleased.

19.15

Huge news from Rossendale. Because of a dispute in the snowboarding we are about to have a decider.

19.12

The Guardian crossword has just been started in The Nouse Pod. Pete Iveson is in his element and is, in his own words, “sick at crosswords”. He’s on a three word killing streak.

19.11

Lancaster women beat York 76-34 in the pool and win the mens 64-48. I wasn’t actually at the Alamo but I’m almost sure that a similar scene was played out there.

19.07

Foy is the Virgil Hilts of The Roses. He’s managed to find of a precious card to let him out and Leigh Clarke, fresh from the thrills of the badminton, in.

19.05

Henry is off to work the “Foy Magic” in the hopes that he can find the requisite card to get in and out of this Fort Knox style building. His simple aim in escaping – using the toilet.

19.03

Jake Farrell back in the hotseat for a moment or two. HJF is trying to find a toilet although he may be thwarted by MI5 style doors to the LLC.

19.02

Ambro poolside in his skin tight, aerodynamic baggy topman beanie says it’s getting silly in the water. A 1-2 for Lancs in the 100m free. Game over for the women.

19.01

York have fought back to 19-16 although Lancaster are still in the driving seat. On a brighter note leader of the free world (of York Sport) Sam Asfahani has sent word that it’s all over on the slopes – a clean sweep for York.

18.59

More good news from the (fake) Snow slope as York dominate the 2nd Mixed Ski-ing race. “Campbell-Woodward ameliorated the lead”, says an obviously-inebriated Adam Shergold.

18.58

Chunderbolt Mark Tasani quotes Eric Cartman from South Park has he wins the Men’s 100m Backstroke. Get in there my son.

18.57

21-16, it’s over. So 5-4 to Lancaster, and they take the 2 points.

18.55

Bad news from the Badminton. After cruising to 3-0 earlier in the Mens Seconds, Lancaster are now 17-10 up in the second set of the ninth and decisive match. There’ll be no whitewash this year.

18.54

York turn it around in the Snowboarding, with a decisive victory to take the 4 points. YUSnow repping, Lancaster bitching. That’s what we like to hear, bitches.

18.53

Huw ‘Pull No Punches’ Harrow says that York need to start winning – quickly – at the Darts. Jake Farrell has just arrived with some seriously large bananas. He provided satsumas last night on the train. He’s like the fucking Man from Del Monte.

18.50

“We’re good at Ski-ing” says Monty Don on the slopes. Lodge sets the pace in the first Mixed Race, Thomas extends the advantage and Campbell-Woodward and Rob Wallace complete an easy win for ‘us lot.

18.48

Deafening ovation for the Lancaster Darts Captain, ‘Fozzer Fish’, as she throws an 81, followed by howls of derision as her York opponent misses the board. Oh dear.

18.47

Marlies levels the Snowboarding at 1 point apiece after the Lancaster boarder falls “in comical fashion”.

18.47

Down at the Badminton, to raise spirits, our very own Chris Young has started a chant for Yorkshire.

No-one has joined in.

18.46

Good news from the Oche – York’s women are 2-1 up in the Darts.

18.45

And Lancaster have taken the first set of that Badminton game. The next is a must-win for our pair.

18.45

It’s packed at the Barker House Farm, but Huw says the Men are only trailing Lancaster by a few points and are confident of taking something from the fixture. I hope so – Darts is an 8-point sport, and we’re not exactly coasting this year.

18.44

Darts fan Huw Harrow reports that while he hasn’t reached the event yet, he can hear the MC.

18.43

Lancaster turning on the style in that decisive Badminton match, reports Leigh Clarke. 14-6 to Lancaster in the first set, and our boys need to win to take these 2 points.

18.42

York are taking matters into their own hands at the Ski slope, with Shergold being dispatched to the foot of the slope to bring some balance to the judging. Not sure how that’s going to look when a pissed Doctor clutching some KFC swans down to tell the official judges to sort their act out…

18.41

Everyone in the sports hall is crowded round the last, and deciding game in the Mens’ Seconds’ Badminton. Lancaster starting the stronger, York fans need to up the volume.

18.40

Looks like those gloves did the trick though – Scott and Campbell-Woodward cruise to victory to take all the points for Ladies’ Ski-ing.

18.38

Green Thumb Shergold (look that up on Urban Dictionary for some sniggers) explains that the gloves were for Emily Scott who forgot her ski gloves, but we all know the truth. Emily Scott, forgetting something? Adam, you could have come up with a believable excuse…

18.37

HUZZAH – first bellyflop in the swimming goes to… LANCASTER. Pity they’re 25 metres ahead in the relay though.

18.36

Second Snowboard race sees Neuner take advantage of a Lancaster fall to square it 1-1. Neuner falls though before the last gate and the HOME judges give it to Lancaster. Controversy controversy. Lancaster take the points.

18.35

4-4 in the Mens Badminton Seconds. So the last game will decide those 2 points. Roberts and Somerside up for York. Mixed finished 8-1, so 4 points to York from that one.

18.34

Our boys down the pool are in need of a bit more vomit as Lancaster take a clean sweep in the 50m freestyle blue riband event.

18.33

Better news from the slopes. Charlie Dimmock tells of Steph Campbell-Woodward and Louise Cotrel-Gibbons steaming ahead in the Ladies event. Hurrah for double-barrelled names.

Lancaster are wearing the bibs that school trips use to stop kids getting lost apparently. Bless.

18.30

Four more 2nd places for York in the pool – a valiant performance against what looks to be a far more impressive team.

18.30

Drama in the Snowboarding as it’s ajudged a draw in a photofinish. York took the first leg, Lancaster regained the lead in the second, and YorkSport ace Marlies Neuner was deemed not to have overtaken her opponent in the final descent.

18.27

Victory for York in the pool! Raymond Wade wins in the 50m Butterfly. Give that boy a medal, or a Lucozade, or something.

18.27

Adam Titchmarsh tells of a York masterclass on the slopes. Lancaster missed a gate on the first leg, and the relay format – where one ski-er begins when their teammate reaches the bottom of the course – means the visitors are dominating. As he tucks into his reggae reggae chicken, he says him, Asfahani and Guest are outnumbering the home fans.

18.23

Lancaster take the lead for the first time in the Mens 2nd Badminton, 4-3. Uphill task now for York to win the best of nine matchup and stay on course to repeat their clean sweep from last year. York are leading in the game being played right now, though.

18.22

Running order from Greenfingers Shergold:

First up is Ladies Ski-ing, then we’ve got the Snowboard competition, and ending with the Mixed Ski-ing.

He says Lancaster’s banter is awful and they’re all wearing Jake Farrell-style naff baseball caps.

18.19

Shergold’s back on the radar. Returning from the booze run with Stella Artois, fried chicken and gardening gloves, he says the Ski-ing will get underway in the next 5 minutes. For anyone that knows Adam’s penchant for horticulture, that should be no surprise.

18.17

Which is great news in two ways. Now we know she’s ok, it’s not awfully bad taste for me to show you this picture of a pool lifeguard sweeping up the tactical chunder (see 17.42)

(Photo: George Lowther)

18.16

Reports from the pool suggest the ambulance was called for a York student who suffered an asthma attack and was struggling to breathe. We’re getting word from Jake that she’s alright now, which is very good news. Let the swimming recommence!

18.14

As the Mens’ 2nds Badminton gets tighter by the minute, York’s third-seeded pairing have taken Lancaster’s top seeds to three sets. If York snatch victory, they could be heros here.

18.13

No news so far from Adam Shergold on how the Ski-ing is going (or how the booze run went). Matt Thomas and the YUSnow crew will be hoping for a 12-point whitewash there.

18.11

Stunning photo from George Lowther of the Mixed Badminton. York strolled to victory with 4 matches to go.

18.10

News from the pool, and it’s really serious. Ambulance has arrived and the female competitor is being stabilised at the moment. No news as to whether it’s a York or Lancaster student, or the reason behind the injury, but all of our thoughts are with her at the moment. We’ll let you know more as it comes.

18.07

Nervous Lucy (see 17.37) getting her arse handed to her by York’s mighty Maria Janssens. Get that girl a beer. (Photo: George Lowther)

18.05

Oh dear – injury in the Badminton too as Lancaster’s reported best player pulls out with a leg complaint.

18.03

YUM Chair Chris Young dabbles in a spot of filming. For those that think they spot YSTV’s Anna Bucks behind him, I’m assured it’s not her. (Photo: George Lowther)

18.02

Serious injury at the swimming. They’ve cleared the pool and suspended the races. Fingers crossed the competitor is ok.

18.00

Victory for tactical chunderers everywhere as Mark Tasani (see 17.43) comes a close second in his race.

17.59

Amazing comeback from Lancaster to tie the Men’s 2nds Badminton. Could they? No. Surely not.

17.55

Lancaster are still holding on in the Mens 2nd Badminton, with York needing only one more match to take the 9 match series. The two games underway are going the distance. Leigh Clarke is drowning in his own excitement.

HURRAH! Someone from York not drowning in the pool, as the visitors take 2nd and 3rd place in the first Men’s race. Lancaster 1,2 in the Women’s 100m

17.50

Oh dear – Lancaster win the 200m Freestyle by 20 metres. Swimming terminology aside, it’s a bit of a soaking down there.

17.49

Can the whole tournament be net sports, please? Mixed Badminton go 6-0 up in the already-won 9-match series.

But the huge crowd down at the pool are watching Lancaster turn on the style in the opening swimming events.

17.47

Eagle-eyed Jake tells me that Lancaster’s swimming team’s nicknames are even stranger than those seen on the Hockey players. They have “Axe Wound” and “Wizard’s Sleeve” in their squad. Axe Wound? Is that supposed to strike fear into us, or are you just one of those Warhammer types?

17.46

It’s all over at the Judo, and not a bad show at all from York, who lost the overall points by 3 to 2. Considering Lancaster got two of those points for free, I tip my hat to our boys and girls. Still, Lancaster’s overall lead grows ever larger…

17.43

Apparently the chunder was of the tactical variety, and was enacted by York’s Mike Tasani. Lancaster’s Nervous Lucy should take note – sometimes a nice little puke is all you need to get rid of those pre-event tensions.

17.42

Jake’s a Catholic, actually, for anyone who was interested as to exactly who he was praying to. He’s just sent word that it’s “Vom Central at the Pool! LAD!” Use your imagination there, readers.

17.41

Farrell tells me it’s all about to start splashing in the pool. 200metres Freestyle will open proceedings, with York apparently needing a bit of a miracle. Jake is praying.

17.40

Not as EASY! as Lancaster in the Judo, however, as their competitors whose York opponents were beset by the Roses Exam Clash Scandal 2010 (as it will now be known for generations) theatrically walk onto the empty mat to claim their (HOLLOW) victory. Only a couple of points stolen by the hosts though.

17.38

It’s all over in Mixed Badminton. York take it 5-0 with 4 games still to play. EASY! EASY!

17.38

The Mens’ 2nds’ are now 4-1 up in their Badminton tussle, while the Mixed 1sts are hardly breaking a sweat at 4-0. Both the Mixed games underway at the moment have York leading by a set, so those 4 points are IN THE BAG.

17.37

JUSTICE! Nervous Lucy (see 17.29) gets pwned* with 2 wazaris by Maria Janssens and York take the victory. Janssens was having none of that mind-game crap.

*pwned isn’t a Judo term, for those that were wondering.

17.34

Fighting talk from the hosts at the pool, who tell our correspondent that they’re expecting to win all 8 points in the Swimming. That would seriously shaft York’s hopes of pulling this lead back before tomorrow morning.

17.33

Shock down at the Badminton as Lancaster win their first match to make the Mens’ 2nds’ Competition 3-1 to York. Epic tussle it was to, with the last set going to the hosts 25-23. Who said Badminton was a boring sport played with silly racquets and even sillier ‘balls’? Leigh Clarke is cracking out all the hyperbole to keep up with the talent on display.

17.32

York are up by a yuko in the next match. I can’t Wikipedia these bloody words fast enough.

17.31

BOOM indeed. Rob Baker gets an ippon of his own to hit back straight away in the Judo.

17.31

Looks like those Mourinho-esque mind games have paid off. Lancaster have won the first Judo match with an Ippon. For those who don’t know your waza-ari from your yuko, an ippon is awarded for (a) a throw that lands the opponent largely on their back in a controlled manner with speed and force; (b) for a mat hold of sufficient duration (twenty five seconds); or (c) for opponent submission.

Boom. Knowledge is power.

17.29

More FLAGRANT sportsmanship on the Judo mats as Lancaster change the order as “Lucy” say’s she’s scared of going first. It’s just not Cricket, is it. Lucy, if you’re really strong and could kill a man with your bare hands, Huw Harrow said that.

17.27

Oh dear – not looking good down at the pool. Jake tells me that Lancaster’s Women were national finalists last year. I think York might need a Glee moment…

17.26

Understatement of the day from Leigh Clarke, who says “We’re so good at Badminton” as the Men’s 4th pairing edge closer to making it 4-0 to Yorkie.

17.26

The Doctor has sent word from Rossendale Ski Centre. He’s just arrived on the YorkSport banter bus, and has just gone for a booze search with YS rogues Sam Asfahani and Paul Guest. Ski-ing underway in 30 minutes apparently due to a delay.

17.24

Jake Farrell down at the Swimming says he’s “sweating like Jason Rose on Election Night”. That’s not nice, Jake. And anyway, Jason was sweating at Central Hall remember, alone…

17.23

Mixed Badminton now 4-0 up and coasting all the way to those Four FAT points. To say we need them is an understatement.

17.22

SHOCKER – apparently we only have 3 fighters here because of exams. What a shame. Lancaster I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

17.21

CONTROVERSY down at the Judo. Black Belt Harrow tells me York have been forced to forfeit 2 of the 5 fights. More coming…

17.20

The Mens’ Badminton third pairing have won, so it’s 3-0 York, and the fourth pairing are in a final set decider. Good old Badminton, eh, cracking on where they left off in York. Team of the Year last year, much to Tennis’ chagrin…

17.19

The Judo competitors are weighing in. All we need is Don King and a dodgy MC and we’d be in Vegas.

17.18

I think I’ve worked out the Badminton malarkey. Basically, Mens 2nds (2 Points) and Mixed 1sts (4 Points) are playing today. Each is decided by 9 games of 3 sets. At the moment, York lead the Mixed by 3 games to 0, and the Mens by 2 to 0. So, if two more mixed pairs can win their best-of-three set matches, York take 4 points. Clear? Phew…

17.14

Then, we’ve got the Pool and Darts competitions, before tonight’s final sport: Indoor Frisbee. Yes, if you thought 4 points for what, essentially, is a sport played by West Coast jocks was a little excessive, two more points are up for grabs later on. And debating is worth NOTHING?! Steward’s Inquiry, I’d say.

17.12

So the score might not look too pretty at the moment, York fans, but never fear. We’re odds on to absolutely dominate the SnowSports, which are worth a massive 12 points, and I fancy our chances in Judo too. Swimming is anyone’s….pool.

17.10

York are still 2-0 in the mixed badminton pairings, and all of the currently playing pairs are a set up. Badminton’s always a point winner for the White Rose.

17.09

Huw tells me that there’s “some intense warming up” going on down at the Judo, which Wikipedia tells me is Japanese for “Gentle Way”. Pete Iveson, who is more of a Taekwondo (Korean for “the way of the foot and fist”) fan, reckons they look like they’re doing the Macarena.

17.08

He’s off to the Swimming, which starts in 25 minutes or so, as is the Snowsports, where Adam Shergold will be providing the coverage for us. In addition, we’ve got Huw Harrow at the Judo, and Leigh Clarke still down at the Badminton.

17.07

Good afternoon you spoilt lot. It’s Foy here, hoping against all hope to be able to match the wit and literary brilliance of Mr Farrell.

17.04

I’ve had a lovely afternoon blogging but like a downtrodden house wife after an illicit love affair I now return to a life of abuse and drudgery – i.e. reporting on the swimming. I leave you in the capable hands of Henry James Foy.

17.02

Chris Young is at the Hockey with the video camera. I say that not as an Allegation just as a statment. If he just so happens to be pulled up in front of Adam Shergold’s House Committee on Un NouseSportian Activities then I’m sure it’s because there is a reason.

16.58

York are now 2-0 up in men’s and mixed. Leigh also had something else attached to that last update but it was unintelligible. Perhaps he’s drunk. Drunk on the excitement of Badminton.

16.55

York seconds now two nil up overall, second pairing winning the third set 21-11.

16.55

York seconds have gone 1-0 up overall. Lancaster are King Canute, we are the sea – onward York, onward!

16.52

Yet to hear anything from Shergold at the Snow Sports. Gorgeous George Lowther was refused permission to go given that there was only one space in the car. And he is the equivalent of 10 men. Boom.

16.50

Both of the opening mens matches have gone to third sets. It would seem that this years Roses refuses to be boring.

16.48

HJF is getting me an apple juice. York have taken an one nil overall lead in the mixed doubles. All is good in the world.

16.46

It seems that my mum has been on the comments page. I never knew she was in the army but then she kept the fact that I was adopted secret until I found pictorial evidence of my parentage on line last night.

I love you Dad

16.44

Pete Iveson is reporting back from the Badminton that James Hor for the mixed team is an “absolute ledge”. Who wants to disagree?

The first mens seconds doubles pair have struck back, taking the second set.

16.42

In men’s seconds the latter pair out of the blocks have won the first set 21-12.

16.40

Surprisingly bad news on the equestrian front. York A and B finished 4th and 3rd respectively, despite it would seem good performances from all those involved. According to the sporting God that is Adam Shergold home advantage is pretty helpful for the riders and that coupled with the fact that the York team had people away because of exams seems to have put paid to their chances. Hannah Brown was the pick of the riders coming fourth and there were two massive performances from Anna Payne and Jess Grundy who stepped in at the last minute.

16.36

Photos from the venerated Pete Iveson should be on the way from the badminton. Leigh Clarke has just sighted the cynical Sam Allardyce Love in the sports hall.

16.34

HJF’s Mac is messing up and Gatenby and Hirst have lost the first set 21-16. Bad times here in Pod 6 of the Lancaster Learning centre. Shetty and Ashley are also underway.

16.32

This evening looks promising as York and Lancaster square up in the most noble of sporting traditions – darts and pool. Expect full coverage here on The Nouse Live blog.

16.30

Leigh Clarke has been in contact to say that the badminton currently on display is “badass”. That is perhaps the first time that such a word has been used in that context.

16.28

Ambro has just headed off to get ready to watch the swimming for Team Nouse. I distinctly heard the words “full body suit” and “lube”

16.27

Hirst and Gatenby are currently at 5-5. I think they sound like a pair of crooner’s from the 50′s. If I see them belting out some ballads at a Lancaster kareoke bar tonight my life will be complete.

16.24

Hirst and Gatenby up first for the Seconds – Forza York!

16.23

Leigh Clarke says that mixed pairing Natha and Thanut Tritsavit are the York equivalent of the Neville Brothers – if Phil was a girl.

16.22

Natha Tritsavit speaks to Leigh Clarke before curtain up at the badminton: “I’m a bit nervous but I think it will be ok. It’s not going to be an easy win”

I witnessed a York demolition of their Lancaster rivals recently alas it seems as though it won’t be as easy as this today.

16.17

Pete Iveson is starving and has run out water. He has thrown a diva strop in the Lancaster Learning centre and is turning over tables as we speak. He just the word “capice”, prompting a deserved Don Corleone rinsing.

16.15

Leigh Clarke breaks down the Badminton saying that their are players missing from both sides and that the mixed and mens twos will take the structure of 9 doubles games. So the first to 5 wins. Clear?

16.13

Hockey Round up from Henry James Foy here

16.09

Leigh Clarke says the badminton players warming up is: “hypnotic”. I think he needs to get out more.

16.08

The ladies on their way to a sterling 2-2 draw, a game in which they had just the 3 goals disallowed.

16.06

Pete agrees with my sentiment that Sport One in the Ultimate match. He refers me to Nasser Hussain who was and is a fan of saying that “Cricket won” – perhaps more than England did under his captaincy.

16.04

Pete is extolling the virtues of Ultimate Frisbee after seeing the thrilling encounter earlier. York were found wanting on the day but perhaps another sporting cliche is apt – Sport Won.

And Lancaster.

16.02

Is considering a dash to drinks machine while there is a rare lull in sporting chaos. Discussion has turned to tomorrow’s feast of football; Ambro thinks it could be tight and I would be inclined to agree. Perhaps it will be where this year’s tournament is decided? If York pull off a decisive victory in all three games it could send a huge signal of intent.

15.58

Latcham smashes home in a performance so heroic that those at the Battle of Thermopylae pale in comparison

15.54

Thanks to the myriad contacts of Dr Adam Shergold we should be able to provide you with results for all things horsey soon.

15.51

We are heading in to a crucial period of the day now although after the excitement of the Hockey perhaps Day 1 has already peaked. Still to come:

- Badminton with updates from Leigh Clarke
- Snow Sports with updates from a recently fraped Adam Shergold.

Plus Swimming, Judo, Darts and Pool. Stay with the Nouse Live blog for all the up to date news.

15.46

Foy’s hockey round up is iminent stayed tuned for that. Pete is back! But he’s forced me into a change of laptop.

15.44

HJF has returned to the office flush with the sucess of the Men’s hockey team. Leigh is heading out to the badminton, Shergy is en route to Snow Sports with Gorgeous George so our coverage continues unabated. I’m on the blog and Pete is still unaccounted for.

15.41

York record a huge win in the Men’s hockey, Nico Bode racking up a hat-trick. Perhaps this is the start of a Day 1 fight back? If so Deputy Sports Editor Henry Cowen will make it in time for a perfectly poised weekend. Only 50 minutes before his own personal war with an exam.

15.38

Just trying to clarify the score suggestions that York have won although reports vary on as to whether the last goal was disallowed. Either way Sam Latcham has scored a from a penalty flick with the last touch of the game! In the words of Alan Partridge: Jurassic Park!

15.35

Disallowed! The crowd are having a big influnce on the referee by all accounts. York remain ahead defending valiantly.

15.34

Getting word that it is 4-4. That didn’t last long

15.32

GOAL! Billy Walsh denied by a good save before Nico Bode gets his Hat-trick! York are ahead with 5 to play!

15.31

I could never have envisaged 5 years ago that I would have been nervous about the result of a hockey match whilst sitting in front of a laptop in Lancaster, but by sweet baby jane I am. Everytime the phone vibrates I die a little inside.

15.29

York within touching distance of their best result of the day now, the men’s hockey need to bring it home. It could be the momentum that is needed to kick start our tournament.

15.28

Fight back time! 3-3 at the hockey after two quick goals. Tom Latcham puts York within 1 and then Bode gets his second. Maybe the ginger curse doesn’t exist!

15.27

Billy Walsh is carrying the team according to Maximilien Sebastien Foy (1775-1825), a French military leader, statesman and writer. He can’t find away through much to the chagrin of the away support.

15.26

GOAL: Lancaster make it 3-1 after York miss two chances. This is not going well, every game that I have watched today has been filled with misery. Then again so have the encounters witnessed by Huw Harrow. It could be a ginger thing.

15.24

York go close from a short corner before Lancaster hit the post at the other end. Phrase of the day has certainly been “end to end stuff”.

15.23

First attack of the half brings a Lancs goal from their German International player who “plays better than he spells”. Pete Iveson hasn’t been seen in while. He was saying earlier that the “Mega Bun” that we indulged in earlier wasn’t going down to well, let’s hope that the big slice of heart attack we ate hasn’t done for him.

15.19

The referee has just shown the crowd a yellow card. See what he’s done there? They aren’t actually players in the game, but he’s… Ho ho! The Nouse Pod is literally not laughing at all.

15.17

HALF TIME in the Hockey. Lancaster had the better of the Half according to www.flyingbyfoy.co.uk. The Hockey guys need to up their game

15.15

Just minutes after a Bodie from the Wire reference Nico Bode pops up when York most need him. Stinger Bell with the assist following a lovely through ball from Omar. This doesn’t bode well for Lancaster.

15.14

Captain Harris misses another short for York but then Nico Bode scores a tap in for York! 1-1! Given my pathetic accent I can only do the following in the medium of words:

YORRRRRRRRKKKKKSHIIIIIRREEE

15.12

Lancaster all over York by the sounds of things. York need to up there game. At the moment we are the Wallace to Lancaster’s Bodie and Poot. 10 points if you recognise that reference.

15.11

George Lowther on his biggest fans: “They think they’re funny but they’re attacking me and I can’t defend myself! I’m not even blogging!”. Poor George, we all think you’re gorgeous.

15.09

Lancaster are cutting through the York defense like Gordon Brown cuts through ladies from Rochdale. Another short corner for the home team is in the words of Chairman Foy: ” a total cock up”.

In the interests of political parity: David Cameron has a waxy face and Nick Clegg looks like a cyberman.

15.07

GOAL: Lancaster take the lead with a superb individual effort. York have ANOTHER goal disallowed from a short corner. The re-take is saved.

15.05

The referee is having another nightmare it would seem. Players on both sides chatting back with alarming regularity.

15.05

York not in full flow yet according Kevin C. Foy, mayor of Chapel Hill North Carolina from 2001-2009, as Sam Harriman makes a cracking double save. It’s worrying that HJF says he’s our best player.

15.02

Penalty flick to Lancaster which they miss. Some savage banter given in retort as the score stay’s 0-0.

15.00

Discussion in The Nouse Pod has turned to the fact that George Lowther has got “Gorgeous” on his back and that Adam Shergold lists his political views as Conservative/ Eurosceptic. Form an orderly queue progressive – liberal hotties.

14.56

Lancaster have a German international in their hockey side who has the word “Kiaser” on his back. Thats strangely similar to the German word for King but spelt wrongly. High octane stuff from the off says Foy D. Kohler (American Diplomat). I can see the book of sports writer’s faves becoming dog eared already.

14.52

Internet research has told me that Foy is a Belgian village near Bastogne which will be familiar to fans of Band of Brothers. Foy is also a man in a sports hall in Lancaster who is saying that Lancaster look “strong in the warm up”

14.50

Some strange random results going up on the Yorker blog. Perhaps they are watching a different tournament. Ref chat update from the Major Sports Hall. Word on the street (or sprung floor boards) is that he has a reputation for being something which I can’t write. By that I don’t mean I can’t spell it. It’s only four letters long.

14.48

In response to the comment saying that I look like a small child in my byline photo I can only say – I look like a small child in real life as well.

14.47

Adam Shergold has left his facebook on in reach of Huw Harrow. Any suggestions?

14.47

All eyes now turn to the Mens 1sts after the ladies turn in a genius display at the Major Sports Hall. Andy Harris is captaining the side in the stead of Richard Larkin. A win here ties the sport. And gives me something to write about. Everyone’s a winner. Incidently Foyle’s War clearly uses his Blackberry to much, he’s churning out so much copy over text that Jack Kerouac would look like a slouch at the typewriter.

14.43

Finishes 1 -1 at the Women’s indoor hockey with York having three goals disallowed. “Shambolic refereeing” according to HJF.

14.42

Seconds remaining… Eldergill – Storm (perhaps the biggest name at this tournament)… scores! Disallowed again! Look up calciopoli on google. See any similarities?

14.40

Lancaster clear off the line with 2 minutes to play. Reports that Henry James Foy is jumping up and down screaming “Come on Girls! We can do this!” are unfounded and may have been made by me.

14.39

Yet another short corner for York. On the evidence of the updates I’m receiving the game has descended into an attack and defend training session with York getting the good end of the deal.

14.38

Another goal disallowed at the Hockey! Foy says that York “need to take a chance” not long left to claim immortality now. Or even just a win in indoor hockey.

14.36

York are putting the pressure on with another short corner at the Major Sports Hall. Some thoughts here in the Nouse Pod as to what qualifies as a major sport. Perhaps they are playing tiddlywinks in the minor sports hall?

14.35

Jake’s match report on the outdoor frisbee.

14.34

Despite being named like the character from a children’s book Laura Pepper has just made been denied by a great save at the Hockey. Faustino displaying some mad skills according to our reporter on the ground.

14.33

Reports that the women’s hockey is getting heated as the York Two’s captain starts giving it the Barry Biggun’ on the megaphone. Foy witnesses the target of her ire sub herself off.

14.31

Great save from Beanie keeps York level. Given the farcical gallery situation at the Main Sports Hall I’m surprised Henry can see any of this.

14.30

Corners to York and then Lancashire make for an “end to end” game according The Tin Foyl Man. That book of sports writers cliches I bought him to prepare for Roses is paying off.

14.28

GOAL to York! NO it’s disallowed! All in the same text message! The CAPS lock and EXCLAMATION mark buttons are BR!OKEN it seems.

14.27

The second half is just about to get under way under the watchful eye of HJF. Apparently the reporter from the Scan expects a York win and that his side are a “broken shire” – not on the evidence of todays results.

14.25

Jamieson Day , who I know for a fact captained the Watford Mens Roller hockey team at the Under 11 age bracket, sends his best wishes to our valiant indoor teams here at Roses from a sunny Derwent. They need all the help that they can get to reverse this forgettable morning for those fond of the White Rose.

14.23

York go in at the break in the Hockey 1-1 after the Lancaster keeper makes a “fine double save” according the Grandmaster Foy. Now I’m blogging can I force Pete Iveson into buying me sandwiches?

14.21

Jake here taking over the blog in the cushy environs of the Lancs Learning Centre. York make a last ditch challenge to keep the Hockey 1-1.

14.19

I jinxed it. Lancaster equalise with short corner.

14.19

As usual, Charlie Bartlett is bossing the defence. Sounds like a stellar performance so far.

14.18

Lancaster player green carded for a vicious tackle. Home side defend the resulting short corner well.

14.17

York celebrate during the men’s hockey seconds 2-2 draw (George Lowther)

14.15

Hair-raising action from the women’s seconds indoor hockey earlier. Photograph by George Lowther

14.15

Lancaster win a short corner but it is well defended by York. End-to-end stuff in the sports centre.

14.13

Lancaster stop a shot on the line and then York win another corner. They’re on top now.

14.12

YORK GOAL. Imy Eldergill strikes a long shot from the edge of D into the bottom corner.

14.10

Beanie saves the first Lancaster chances, already showing her worth. For anyone who has not see that big banner at the top of the website, it’s YORK 6.5 LANCASTER 22.5. Let’s be honest, this has been a morning to forget.

14.07

Things slowing down at the moment, but this evening has some interesting fixtures. YUSnow, one of our more successful clubs, will be looking to take all twelve points in the snow sports events.

14.02

Both keepers looking “shit hot” in the warm-up according to Henry. Might be looking at a tight one here.

13.58

Foy tells us that the men’s seconds look gutted. Understandable really. Women’s firsts warming up now, Henry tells me that the goalkeeper Beanie is a bit of a legend. They’re all legends to us, Henry.

13.54

It ends 2-2. York punished for not finding that extra goal earlier. Real disappointment.

13.53

HEARTBREAK. Lancaster find the equaliser with a short corner. Only seconds were remaining.

13.52

York defend another short corner well and its still 2-1. Tense.

13.48

Last minute in the hockey and York go close to adding to their advantage from a short corner. It remains 2-1

13.48

Pure nostalgia here in the pod as the team reminisce about their first football matches…. Oh memories!

13.46

Compelling stuff at the hockey, end-to-end. Lancaster go close at one end, before yet another Inman effort is thwarted

13.45

ICE CREAM VAN… ICE CREAM VAN…!!!

13.45

Fulham boss Roy Hodgson has been tipped for the Manager of the Year award following his team’s progress to the Europa League final – and quite rightly so…

13.43

Peter Bailey-Iveson is buzzing around taking shots of us in ‘action’ – more Facebook fodder

13.42

Lancs squander a couple of opportunties in the hockey – one was by a player nicknamed ‘sweet lips’

13.40

Inman seems to be having the game of his life – sidestepping a couple of defenders but sending a snapshot just wide

13.39

For anyone who wants an opinion on the rowing controversy by someone who knows what they’re talking about, check out Alex Lacy’s comment on this article. We miss you Alex.

13.38

He adds that York’s defence are looking ‘super-solid’ – like a varnished rock

13.37

With Lancaster starting to show some form towards the end of the half, Foy believes York need a couple more goals to be assured of victory

13.36

Chicken and Stuffing Malted Brown Sandwich – well that’s vaguely similar to my order of bacon

13.34

HALF-TIME: Men’s hockey seconds 2-1 to York. Fiery end to the half as a York player takes an elbow to the face, but play is allowed to continue. Blood and glory!

13.33

And a rather dejected York team leave the field at the final whistle (Peter Iveson)

13.32

Chris Young’s blue floral shorts on proud display during the Ultimate earlier (Peter Iveson)

13.31

More frisbee photos to follow from Peter ‘Tugay’ Iveson

13.30

A party has been dispatched to hunt for food…

13.30

Lancaster have adopted an uncompromising, physical approach in the hockey, but York holding firm defensively for the moment

13.27

YORK GOAL: hockey second 2-1. And after that last post, the White Rose re-take the lead!

13.27

Thought you might want to know that again…

York are in control of the midfield at the hockey, but can’t find the killer pass against this ‘dirty’ Lancs defence

13.25

Lancaster equaliser at the hockey following a goalkeeping misjudgement at a short corner – one-apiece

13.25

13.23

We have a match report up for all of this morning’s indoor football action, brought to you by Huw Harrow.

13.22

Action from the frisbee for your delectation (Peter Iveson)

13.22

York goal disallowed at the hockey – skipper Inman denied by refereeing controversy. Still 1-0.

13.21

FULL TIME at the Ultimate Frisbee – Lancaster 15 York 11 – a valiant effort by the White Rose, they gave absolutely everything according to Pharrell, who is glowing with pride. Four points to Lancs

13.19

YORK GOAL: Mark Inman makes it 1-0 in the men’s seconds hockey

13.19

‘Lion’ of hockey fame is, of course, Luke Featherstone, lest anyone claim York are fielding wild beasts

13.18

14-11 as York pull a goal back – they haven’t given this one up yet

13.17

14-10 to Lancaster in the Ultimate. A late flurry of points takes the hosts within one point of victory

13.16

High hopes for the men’s seconds hockey, who are about to push back in the sports hall. Mark Inman is the lynchpin, while ‘Lion’ is the defensive rock – they’re expectant of victory

13.14

Apparently “We are Lancaster” t-shirts are being handed out around campus – well, you couldn’t sell them…

13.12

This learning zone is superb – I want one…

13.10

Jake Pharrell: “The birth of my first child is going to have to go some to beat this”

13.10

According to HJF, York were too defensive in their set-up and although this allowed them to dominate the possession stakes, they were lacking a cutting edge and were punished on the counter.

13.09

FULL TIME: Women’s Hockey seconds – Lancaster 5 York 2 – one point to the White Rose

13.09

12-10 at the frisbee. Steve Eyre is a better version of Jesus, according to heretic Pharrell

13.08

The girls behind us have started talking about sandwiches – now that would be an idea…

13.07

12-9 to Lancaster at the Ultimate Frisbee, looking set for a tight finale. Godfrey has picked up a black eye for his herculian efforts

13.05

All over at the hockey – 5-2 to Lancaster, again coming against the run of play. Just the one point at stake, which would take the score to Lancaster 18 York 6 overall

13.04

Lancaster call a time-out in the frisbee. 11 POINTS to 9 currently. York have them rattled it would seem

13.03

4-2 to Lancaster in the women’s hockey following a short corner, looking a little bleak for York despite all their creative play

13.02

Foy’s Blackberry is on FIRE! Constant updates from the hockey, but it remains 3-2 to Lancs

At the frisbee, York have narrowed the gap to 11-9 – time ebbing away but we’re still in this one

12.59

York are peppering the goal in the women’s hockey, but to no avail so far

12.59

11-8 to Lancaster at the frisbee – looks as though York’s bright fightback has lost momentum and the four points are heading to the home team. Pete Iveson has trudged away in despair

12.58

Yes, sorry it is Knighton (12.55)

12.58

In regards to Farrell/ Pharrell. Have you met the guy? He could be in N.E.R.D.

12.56

Shout out to Benedict Robinson, York men’s lax captain and goalie, who’s looking forward to CRUSHING Lancaster on Sunday. Last year’s tally of 28 points to beat…

12.55

Looks like we’re going to be in the pod all weekend. International Rescue!

12.55

YORK GOAL! Rachel Knighting makes it 3-2 and York are right back in this entering the second half. At the frisbee, Lancaster re-establish their three-point lead at 10-7

12.53

Cameron Godfrey with an amazing diving catch out at the Frisbee – makes the score 9-7 to Lancaster. Pharrell and Iveson getting dangerously over-stimulated

12.52

Half-time sideline analysis at the hockey – Sophie Hossack reckons York “aren’t keeping their shape” while Beanie Usher, the women’s captain, believes they need to utilise the walls more.

12.51

Now 9-6, this fightback is on! Liquid frisbee from York, according to Farrell. Hmmm.

12.50

York pull a goal (or whatever the term is…) in the Ultimate Frisbee, now 9-5 down. Iveson’s anarchist tendencies fading.

12.49

3-1 to Lancaster in the women’s hockey at half-time. Apparently they have a substitute nicknamed ‘Superman’. No wonder they’re winning.

12.48

Lancaster extend their advantage to 9-4 in the frisbee, looking ominous for York. Pete Iveson has taken it to heart and is threatening to set fire to a Red Rose flag or get some smoke flares going. Hoolie passion there.

12.47

Hockey statto God Richard Larkin informs me in York men’s firsts’ matches this season (BUCS and Yorkshire League), the team that has scored first has gone on to win 81% of the time. Start strong.

12.45

York hammering at the Lancaster door in the high-octane women’s hockey match, but no breakthrough yet and it remains 2-1 to the hosts

12.43

We’ve occupied POD 6 here in the high-tech Lancaster Learning Zone *hums Thunderbirds theme*

12.43

Lancaster have turned it around in the women’s hockey and now lead 2-1 after scrambling home a short corner. While in the Ultimate, Lancaster have scored the point which takes it to half-time at 8-4 – the York team, despite their fetching socks, look deflated

12.42

Insight, in my opinion the best thing on nouse.co.uk, describes Roses in a unique way: “some weird recreation of Tudor inter-county bitching for sporty history grads.” Meanwhile lutube.tv (sounds dodgy) currently have some excellent live coverage of events.

12.41

One of York’s Ultimate players is sporting socks that say ‘I heart girls’ and ‘I heart star’ LAD

12.40

York the more accomplished side in the women’s hockey, but Lancaster have equalised against the run of play. Bugger.

12.38

Back to the Ultimate Frisbee, which is captivating the impressionable urchin Jake Farrell, and it’s now 7-4 to Lancaster

12.37

YORK GOAL – Sally Warrington makes it 1-0 to the women’s hockey seconds from a short corner

12.35

It’s 6-4 and half time in the frisbee. Lancaster are pressing in the hockey.

12.35

Adam Shergold taking over the blogging now – you poor things…

12.34

Over efficient refereeing so far in the hockey.

12.33

Unsurprisingly there’s big support for both hockey teams, each club turning out and bringing the noise.

12.32

Names on the back of Lancs women’s hockey firsts: “Beefy”, “Geek”, “Nips”, and “Porky”. Right. Women’s seconds getting underway.

12.31

Lancaster have turned it around spectacularly in the frisbee, now leading 5-4. York look tired but there’s still time to turn it around.

12.30

Hossack thinks that the club will win indoor hockey overall but the girl’s seconds will be a “nice tight match.” Larkin, men’s indoor captain and coach, is another exam casualty, but the girls are following his tactics and looking sharp. Hannah Gage is the one to watch, apparently.

12.27

Lancaster score with an amazing curved throw to level the scores. Another classic in process.

12.26

The Indoor Hockey is about to get underway in the Sports Hall. The running order will be women’s seconds, men’s seconds, women’s firsts and men’s firsts. It’s always a spectacle, so if you’re in Lancaster get down there post haste!

12.24

York extend their lead in the frisbee, only for Lancaster to instantly pull one back. The home fans go mental.

12.22

3-2 now in the ultimate frisbee. Some really competitive sport being played out there.

12.21

York win the football 4-2. Sounds like it was a classic. FIRST YORK WIN OF THE DAY.

12.21

Udy Onwudike – a tribute

12.20

Rob Newton is supporting the frisbee team with our guys. Newton of course narrowly missed on being next year’s York Sport President. Speaking of which, many thanks to Sam Asfahani for keeping us updated with the cricket yesterday.

12.18

BNOC Udy Onwudike is now on for York. Expect a flurry of goals.

12.18

Pete and Jake are bringing the Partridge to the sidelines. CASHBACK!

12.17

CONOR BRENNAN YOU LEGEND! 3-2 York in the football.

12.17

Eyre and Godfrey combine to put York 3-1 up in the frisbee. First York win of the day now looks likely.

12.16

2-2 now in the football. Gutting for York, it’s not been a great day in the indoor football.

12.14

But a Lancs penalty makes it 2-1. Not long left and York are hanging on.

12.14

York take the lead in the frisbee and go 2-0 up in the indoor football. Two victories would put York within seven points of Lancs. Don’t call it a comeback.

12.10

It’s now 1-1 at the Ultimate Frisbee. Jake tells us that it is a “sick” sport.

12.10

HJF and Goregeous George heading to the indoor hockey – always a highlight of the weekend

12.08

York are also leading in the Ultimate Frisbee. Nice atmosphere but windy conditions. Go YUMmy Chris!

12.06

It’s a fiery football encounter by the sounds of it, but its half time and York are leading.

12.04

Lancaster University’s Boat Club are in the Learning Zone, looking pretty redundant

12.04

YORK GOAL! Ash Daly has put York up with a penalty. Good news at last.

12.04

Ref stops the game, telling a York supporter to “leave it out.” Tasty.

12.02

Our very own Davi Ambro(no we won’t even try) is keeping York in the game at the men’s indoor football.

12.00

MI5 style doors in this study centre, designed to stop laptop theft. This really is a cool campus.

11.59

This time last year we were already creating a substantial lead. Today, we are yet to take a point. A long way to go though.

11.58

The women’s indoor football finished 2-1. The men’s firsts indoor football (or is it Futsal, who knows?) have come straight off the coach and into their game. Fresh.

11.56

Emily Scott, commenting on the women’s football, said both teams ‘fought bravely’ but were simply ‘outnumbered’

Lancaster have collected all the points so far in the indoor football – five so far

11.54

They’re warming up in the Ultimate Frisbee. Our very own Chris Young is competing and hoping to turn this day around for the away side.

11.53

They’re warming up in the Ultimate Frisbee. Our very own Chris Young is competing and hoping to turn this day around for the away side.

11.51

In which Lancaster are holding on by the skin of their teeth.

11.51

Apologies, that’s the women’s indoor football, not Futsal.

11.49

Punny is not funny Peter Iveson…

11.49

The girls are pressing for an equaliser in the Futsal. Can they grab the first Futsal points of the day for the Yorkies?

11.47

Reminder of the Indoor Football scores so far this morning:

Men’s thirds: Lancs 5 York 1
Women’s seconds: Lancs 3 York 0
Men’s seconds: Lancs 6 York 1

Women’s firsts latest: Lancs 2 York 1

I must admit, this does not look good… But let’s not get too disheartened!

11.46

Shergold is disappointed he’s not going to get a game though, having gone through a thorough stretching routine

11.45

The cavalry have arrived for the men’s firsts Futsal – hurrah! Just in the nick of time too…

11.43

Katy Ballentyne has pulled a goal back from the penalty spot for York – currently 2-1 down

11.42

Into the second period in the women’s firsts futsal – it remains 2-0 to Lancaster. Work to do.

11.40

Our editor has reminded us all about this wonderful piece from Camilla Jenkins last year. She’s never written for sports since. Shame.

11.36

We’re sitting in a lovely crimson study area. It’s a bit like the library’s “open space” but much much better.

11.34

Thanks for the comment CJ.

11.33

Taekwondo was apparently cancelled this year because of differences in the rules at each university. York are allowed to use their arms, while Lancaster are not. Maybe would have been a bit one-sided? A bit like Mike Tyson vs. Gareth Gates.

11.33

York have missed a penalty in the women’s firsts indoor football – Noooooooo!

11.28

2-0 to Lancaster in the women’s firsts Futsal game. The atmosphere is heating up as the old “Lancaster la la la” chant makes a reappearance.

11.28

The Lancaster supporters are chanting “Lancaster La la la” in a kind of hypnotic morning prayer. How imaginative…

11.26

Farrell tells us that the women’s indoor hockey team have arrived and look as if they “mean business”. Lancaster enjoyed a successful weekend in the hockey last year but York will be keen to get revenge and add some crucial Roses points to that total!

11.26

The penalty save in the women’s indoor football earlier (George Lowther)

11.23

It’s all gone a bit Pete Tong at the Futsal. The firsts are yet to show up and the thirds are looking as if they will have to play for the third game in a row. Shergie and Foy are warming up.

11.22

Change in tradition this year as the croquet game on Sunday afternoon set to be between each Union’s Presidents rather than AU (or York Sport) Presidents. Poor Emily Scott, she was no doubt looking to improve on Alex Lacy’s shocking display last year.

11.21

Emily Scott playing for the women’s seconds. Photograph by George Lowther

11.20

Women’s seconds indoor football this morning. Photograph by George Lowther

11.19

It’s now 5-1 in the seconds Futsal. The team are clearly suffering after having to play two games in a row. Not a great start for York today, but there’s a long way to go!

11.19

Super defender Sophie Hossack, backbone of the women’s hockey firsts, is not playing this weekend due to exam pressure. Big loss for the team, exams clearly going to be a big issue this weekend.

11.15

Super defender Sophie Hossack, backbone of the women’s hockey firsts, is not playing this weekend due to exam pressure. Big loss for the team, exams clearly going to be a big issue this weekend.

11.12

York have pulled one back and it’s now 2-1 to Lancaster in the Futsal seconds.

11.11

The whole ‘exams controversy’ will not go away. Apparently the York Futsal thirds might have to play as both the seconds and thirds today due to lack of players. Ouch.

11.09

Peter Iveson strikes again – another pic from the indoor football this morning

11.08

Action from the indoor football thirds earlier today. Photograph by Peter Iveson.

11.05

Anyone going to the Lancaster events this weekend? ‘The Sugarhouse’ promises to “play host to both Lancaster and York students with some secret special additions to get you excited.” Tomorrow you can enjoy the wonders of Morecambe with ‘The Carelton’ event, tickets being just £5.

11.05

2-1 to Lancaster in the men’s seconds indoor football – latest

3-0 in the women’s seconds – full time – one point for Lancs

Boom!

11.02

Other Twitter accounts to follow for updates: @nousesport, @adamjshergold, @henryjfoy, @peteriveson, @jakefarrell. Get on it!

11.00

The Yorker apparently also having internet problems. Don’t worry guys, we’ve got it covered.

10.59

Let’s talk Europa League then. Fulham’s incredible adventure continued while Diego Forlan ended Liverpool’s season for good. Fulham now face Atletico in the final, and will surely fancy their chances after an incredible campaign that has seen them overpower some of Europe’s real heavyweights.

10.59

If you find yourself away from your computer at any point today, but want to keep up to date with Roses, follow all the blog posts on Twitter. Just search for @yorknouse

10.56

Of course, Roses got underway yesterday, with a victory for York in the men’s cricket match in a tense final over. With just three wickets remaining, and chasing a target of 189 for victory, a knock of 65 from Kirkwood guided the White Rose to four points.

10.52

Leigh Clarke blogging now. Not a huge amount going on at the moment but we’ve got a packed schedule this evening, with swimming, snow sports, darts and pool.

10.49

FAO of all sports teams. Spar do a lovely “Megabun”, including eggs, sausages, bacon and hash browns. The perfect health conscious start to the day.

10.46

We’ve had a nightmare with the internet this morning. Had some right fun dealing with Lancaster IT services. We’re up and ready to go now though!

10.44

Latest score from the women’s seconds football (apologies for the delay) is 3-0 to Lancaster, who have also missed a penalty

10.21

Full time now, 5-1 to Lancs on the indoor football men’s thirds. One point goes to the Lancs.

10.19

Oh dear, Lancaster is now 5-1 up, goals flying in during the second half. Thankfully only one point at stake here!

10.14

2-1 now, Lancs have scored another goal in the indoor football. Things are getting “fiery”

10.13

Lancaster have equalised – big roar from the packed spectator galleries

10.11

Men’s 3rds indoor football have taken the first goal of the (extended) weekend.

It’s 1-0 at half time with Tom Prifti being the goal scorer!

10.10

Hello and welcome to the Nouse live blog for Roses 2010!

We’ll be bringing you all the latest, live from Lancaster.

The first games have started at 10am:
Equestrian 1st Team
Equestrian 2nd Team
Indoor Football Men’s 3rd

Stay tuned for updates!

The Habit of Art

Henry James Foy — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 20:33:11 +0000

Venue: CityScreen, York
Rating: ****

At times, when Theatre Royal is mid-way through its annual Pantomime’s run, and all that can be seen at The Opera House is a third-rate Jungle Book ballet, it seems that York is bereft of the cultural joys that one enjoys in the country’s larger cities.

It would be both backlash-inducing, and a falsity to think only of London as the purveyor of fine cultural distractions. Opera North, in nearby Leeds, has startled the sleeping giants of Glyndebourne and ENO into upping their game, while Manchester and Birmingham’s Royal Exchange and Symphony Hall, respectively, have long rubbished the notion that the finest stages in the country lie within a one-mile radius of Piccadilly Circus.

Yet our dear city is both ill-equipped for, and oft overlooked by strong Operatic, Theatrical and Dance productions. Perhaps we’re not the type for such edification? Indeed, the Theatre Royal’s aforementioned Pantomime is reportedly a guaranteed sell-out, and thus an annual cash-cow.

So imagine my joy – and surprise – when I was offered a ticket to Alan Bennett’s new offering, The Habit of Art, with no need to buy a train ticket or an Oyster Card. Bennett? In York? Surely not?

Surely not was both wrong, and right. The action may well have been taking place at the National Theatre, hundreds of miles away, but for all we cared, London’s South Bank had moved to York’s West Bank. Eschewing the cultural backwaters of How to Train Your Dragon for two hours, CityScreen played host to the screening of a Bennett’s fond portrayal of two of Britain’s most-loved 20th-century artisans and a disquieting exploration of the difficulties involved with an undying love for creation.

It is a plunge into the art of theatre, as well as the theatre itself. Richard Griffiths excels as both the forgetful and charming W.H. Auden and the bossy and blunt Fitz – the actor past his prime attempting to separate his art from that of his character. Benjamin Britten, Auden’s long-lost friend in this fictional play of biography within Bennett’s play, provides much of the on-stage discontentment, as his upcoming Opera of Death in Venice strays too close to his own, ethically-questionable relationships with young men.

“They love playing, I love playing. With song and with tea cups, I can play with them without touching them,” he defensively remarks in reply to Auden’s vicious assault on his true motives behind the commission. It is a strikingly poignant moment in an otherwise continuously humorous piece of theatre.

Frances de la Tour showed every ounce of her RSC background, rivaling Griffiths’ – albeit artificially inflated – oversized stage presence, excelling as the beleaguered Stage Manager, forced to deal with oversized egos and undervalued cast members. I was embarrassed to recognize her as the Headmistress of Beauxbatons School from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Hers is a talent that few possess.

Bennett has long been the darling of British theatre-goers, and while the film version of History Boys moved him from middle-class bookshelf to household name, it is on the stage that his genius is wholly apparent. The Habit of Art is a work that shines with legacy and posterity.

His play within a play, Caliban’s Day, modeled on Auden’s own ‘The Sea and the Mirror’, attempts – like its inspiration – to give a voice to the voiceless. “What matters is the work” remarks Griffith’s poet, mouthing Bennett’s over-arching ideology. The actors switch from character to character seamlessly as the play questions the role of theatre, and indeed art in general. Suitably, he gives the stage to de la Tour’s Stage Manager, as she in turn gives it to the National Theatre’s cameras. In York, we are privy to all their combined brilliance.

“We could do it with video,” suggests the enthusiastic assistant stage manager as the actors baulk at the idea of ‘playing’ pieces of inanimate furniture. The cast groans at his blasphemy. To us, watching through that marvelous medium, it is a piece of wonderful self-reference that Tarantino would be proud, and a mark of Bennett’s continued genius.

As we shuffle out of the auditorium, I notice an advertisement for the next National Theatre production to be screened live, in June. If the packed auditorium is any judge, perhaps York doesn’t need pantomime to get an audiences’ attention. More of the same please.

London Assurance, screened live from the National Theatre, London, will be showing at York CityScreen on 28th June. Tickets at www.ntlive.com

Toast Obama’s victory, but winning this battle makes the war even harder

Henry James Foy — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 20:05:21 +0000

On Sunday night, even by normal standards, Washington was a heavily divided city. As Obama, Biden, Pelosi and the Democrat high command drank champagne and hi-fived a successful resolution to 12 months of hard politics and the President’s number one domestic policy, Republican strategists and press officers rubbed their hands with glee.

For both sides, Obama’s landmark legislation passed by the House of Representatives late this weekend that promises to revolutionise a healthcare system struggling on life support is a key campaign battleground for November’s Mid-term elections.

For the Democrats, the fanfare will declare that millions will benefit from a White House-lead piece of policy, that Republican conservatism and negativity was overcome for the good of the country, and that Obama has finally proven his ‘change’ credentials.

In contrast, the GOP’s spin machine will go into overdrive. Their favourite moniker, of a “socialist” and “big government” Democratic party, will be re-energized, Obama’s election pledge to end bitter party politics on the Hill will be derided, and – most importantly – the President will be painted as a man hell-bent on enacting his will, despite public resistance.

The facts are that, while many agree that the US Healthcare system is in dire need of an overhaul, Obama was forced to resort to dubiously democratic procedures in Congress. With a straightforward bill likely to be filibustered by a Scott Brown-enhanced Senate, the Democrats will now utlilise the shady corridor of ‘reconciliation’ to squeeze the House-backed bill through the Senate. It is perhaps fitting that Brown, the Republican who won Teddy Kennedy’s long-held Massachusetts seat in January, will be forced to powerlessly watch as a piece of legislation that Kennedy vigorously supported until his death passes over his desk.

That said, the legislation still fell short of what many had hoped for. It will only cut the number of uninsured Americans by half, and even then only in 2014. Universal coverage is still a pipe dream, as is a government-run ‘Public Option’ – two things that Obama was forced to concede to a GOP fuelled by angry protests and grass-root activism.

Obama’s difficulty now is ensuring that this personal mission hasn’t cost him his political career. In a strange twist of conventional politics, the President – having won over Washington – must now convince the American public that the legislation is right, and that him and his party deserve an extended run in power.

Even before Sunday’s highly-controversial decision, many experts predicted Democratic carnage in November, with all the signs so far pointing to a Republican victory – and a recapturing of the House majority – in the mid-terms. This bill could swing the vote back towards Obama’s party, or put the nail in the Democrat’s coffin.

Indeed, 34 Democratic Congressmen defied the President’s pleas and voted No to the bill. With no Republican support, it passed by 7 votes, 219-212. Those 34 undoubtedly did so with their conservative-leaning, or Obama-wary districts in mind. For sure, Sunday’s vote would have been heart-wrenching for some, who will surely now be facing incredibly tough races in November.

Undoubtedly, in passing legislation that could have saved millions of Americans if enacted decades previously, and doing what previous Presidents failed to achieve, Obama has earned his place in history. Clinton, perhaps fearing the wrath of the electorate with eyes on a second term, curtailed his grand designs for similar reforms. As a result, he will be remembered for Lewinsky first and foremost. If Obama hadn’t had bravely sacrificed vast amounts of his personal political credit to push these reforms through Congress, he may have been remembered for little more than his skin colour. Now he has a legacy.

Yet ironically this legacy may well be his undoing. The question, of course, is whether Obama can buck a trend that may emerge in November and convince a currently skeptical US public that he deserves 4 more years in 2012. Needless to say, Healthcare was just the top issue in his in-tray, with Environmental, Financial and Energy overhauls all promised.

Certainly, he faces an uphill battle. Some Democrat supporters wanted more from this particular bill. Indeed, the full legislation won’t come in until 2014, and even then, 23 million Americans will still be uninsured. Other swing voters will surely assess the biggest domestic issue currently – unemployment – and reckon that Obama has done little to solve that problem. Yet the millions who were cut out, ignored or bankrupted by the US healthcare set-up of the past will surely stand behind the man who fought long and hard to redress the balance and extend coverage to them.

President Obama called on Democratic lawmakers to ignore the prospects of re-election and vote for what was right, not what would get public support. Many boldly heeded that call. Now, unless the US public sees the merits of his work, he may face the same consequences.

We are right to celebrate Obama’s victory in this most crucial of battlegrounds, but the war is an altogether different fight. Liberals in the US and across the world must hope that his wasn’t a valiant sacrifice.

A father’s anguish

Henry James Foy — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:15:13 +0000

On the afternoon of 18 March 2009, 35-year-old Claudia Lawrence began set off from the University to her home in Heworth. A year later, the Roger Kirk chef has yet to be seen again.

After months of intense media coverage, local awareness and the one of the largest investigations in the history of North Yorkshire Police, the trail is cold. Claudia has disappeared without a trace.

One man who has no intention of giving up is Claudia’s father, Peter Lawrence. We meet in his house near Malton, in a sleepy hamlet where the horrors of a missing daughter seem a million miles away.

“I didn’t think we would be here a year on, I never thought we would, but we are, so we have to keep the campaign going,” he says in his soft, metered voice.

“We just need a result,” he adds. His has been a year of hurt, a year of hope and dismay, a year of personal sacrifice, a year of confusion and most importantly, a year of constant belief.

Throughout the past 12 months, hopes have been raised as the police have released seemingly fresh information, and conducted intense investigations. All have, without exception, been dashed as officers follow them to nowhere. In April, after five weeks of searching, Detective Superintendent Ray Galloway, leading the investigation, announced the commencement of a murder investigation, but have admitted they have no evidence for her death.

Peter has watched and waited as homes have been searched, hundreds of friends, colleagues and acquaintances have been interviewed and officers have travelled as far as Cyprus and Ireland in search of some missing details in Claudia’s life.

The investigation caught the media’s attention, throwing the 62-year-old former solicitor into the limelight of the national press – a role he has carried solely on his shoulders throughout – and leading to a spate of scurrilous tabloid media stories regarding her love life, causing great distress.

Yet his faith, nor continued efforts, never waver: “There is a general perception that there is a bit of information somewhere, that at the moment is missing. We just need it.”

Peter begins by telling me that he’s feeling jaded. It has been a “fraught week” with media interviews: a week before we meet, a fresh lead had been released by the police after Peter’s appearance on the BBC programme Crimewatch. Like all the others, it would ultimately come to nothing.

“It’s important that there were so many responses to the programme. It’s heartening that people keep responding to the publicity. It shows that it really does work,” Peter says. There is no hint of fatigue in his voice.

He understands how important a constant media presence is for his campaign, whatever the personal sacrifices.

“The whole idea of the campaign is to keep the media interested, and they have been exceptionally good. There is a fair amount of time taken up by media each month, but it’s not an intrusion. We want them.”

It is startlingly evident how much Peter has resigned himself to accepting the double-edged sword of the media. Throughout, he has striven to maintain their interest, at whatever cost. Indeed, this very interview is a result of a need to keep Claudia in the headlines.

“There isn’t really anything in the sense of people knocking on the door, thankfully, ever since the first two or three weeks. They don’t come knocking at my door, they knock at his instead,” he adds, pointing to his friend and campaign spokesman Martin Dales.

Dales is evidently at the heart of Peter’s enterprise. He deals with the press, schedules interviews and maintains the campaign website, www.findclaudia.co.uk.

Dales tells me that there were 40 calls to the BBC during the recent programme, the most calls for any episode, with viewing numbers above 4.2 million. On Thursday 18th, exactly a year after his daughter disappeared, Peter will again be on television, appearing on the BBC’s Missing Live programme.

It is almost crass to speak of viewing figures and audience response in the face of this sad story of a missing daughter, but Peter knows well that these are the statistics that might make the difference.

Peter Lawrence

“It’s draining afterwards when we do concentrated media things, but it’s part of the task I set myself to do. I must keep on doing it. It’s obviously wearing, but it gets results,” he says with defiance.

“It’s part of keeping it out in the public eye. It’s always good to get a national footprint,” he adds.

The sheer amount of coverage Peter has managed even surprises him: “It has amazed me the amount of support I get from people. People come up to me in the street, not just in York but sometimes in London, and they just very gently say ‘We’re thinking of you’, or praying for me, or however it comes to them, and that’s good, because it means we are getting out there.”

“People in Heworth, without exception, have been incredibly supportive. They’ve had intrusion, particularly in the first few months, with police knocking on their door, conducting searches and everything else. But everybody has either said they knew Claudia and we’re hoping, or they didn’t know her but they are still hoping.”

It was Heworth, and the University, the last two places where Claudia was seen, that the initial stages of the investigation focused.

Having finished her daily shift in the kitchens of the Roger Kirk Centre, Claudia was seen leaving Goodricke College (now James) on CCTV at 14:30. She was then seen near her house later that afternoon after making the short walk along Melrosegate. The alarm was raised after she failed to arrive at the University for her 06:00 shift the following day.

The sheer incredulity of the case has baffled investigators. Her passport and bank cards were in their proper place in her home. She had spoken at length with both her father and her mother on the evening of the 18th, making Mother’s Day plans.

Claudia sent her last text message, to a friend, just before 20:30. Indeed, the police haven’t even been able to trace her mobile phone, or her distinct blue Karrimor rucksack in which she carried her chef’s whites.

There is a general perception that there is a bit of information somewhere that at the moment is missing. We just need it

“[The Police] started off at a disadvantage in that you normally have a crime scene to work from. In this case there was a natural gap of 36 hours before anyone realised anything was the matter, and no crime scene. They are almost working with one hand behind their back,” Peter explains.

“If there was a crime scene we would have some idea of what harm Claudia had come to. The fact that she hasn’t been found obviously means that there is still hope.”

Police focused on tracing certain cars that CCTV had captured on her route to work, and investigating a number of people that had taken the same path that day. A reconstruction of her last known movements involving an argument that police suspected may have involved her and a male stranger was broadcast. All failed to garner any helpful public information.

Officers searched the University lake during the Easter break, Peter himself visited to distribute posters, and a controversial search of campus bedrooms, some without residents’ knowledge was carried out.

“The University a year ago had to put up with a lot of intrusion like the people of Heworth did, but I’m sure everybody realises why it was necessary,” Peter tells me.

“Claudia was part of the University and she is missing, the same way that she is missing from us, the family,” he continues, extending his thanks to students for their assistance.

Peter’s role has been one of constant patience and trust, especially in light of some media claims that the North Yorkshire Police investigation unit had failed to follow up certain leads and act quickly and efficiently.

In September, Suzy Cooper a close friend of Claudia told BBC Radio York that she felt the police had been slow to investigate the island of Cyprus, sparking a series of claims regarding the police effort. Claudia regularly visited the island, and received a text message from there on the evening of her disappearance.

“To be honest I’m surprised [the police] have not gone a bit sooner, obviously because she had visited there quite a lot, met people and knew people over there,” Miss Cooper stated. At the time, Galloway defended the delay, stating that officers were sent to Cyprus when it was “necessary.”

The official Find Claudia poster

“Enquiries have been conducted with people who knew or were in contact with Claudia since the earliest stages of the investigation, but the primary focus of the investigation has always been in York.

A month later, Galloway told reporters that the eight months of investigation had cost the force £558,000, including £90,000 in the first 12 days, and had included more than 100 officers and staff.

The announcement of a review into the scale of the investigation was made, and currently only 30 staff are directly working on the case. A spokesman explained that the budget and manpower cutbacks were to “ensure that [the investigation] is being run efficiently and effectively within the context of the other policing demands across North Yorkshire.”

Yet Peter is quick to defend the police, who he speaks with once every two weeks: “The police are intent on this, and have said they will keep the investigation going until there is a result. The Chief Constable has been very supportive each time [a review] has arisen,” he says.

Indeed, Peter tells me of his frustration with people who were linked with Claudia but have failed to voluntarily assist the police. “It’s amazing that the police are still going to call on people and they are saying ‘Oh, I was wondering when you were going to come see us’. Why don’t they think of going to the police first?”

Tale of a tragedy

March 2009
Following Claudia’s last sighting in the final days of the Spring Term, CCTV footage of her on campus is circulated. YUSU promise to ensure posters go up all over campus, and begin to contact students through Facebook and the student media. Police spend £90,000 in the first 12 days of the search.

April 2009
Investigations centre on the University. After police searches of the lake, officers turn to student accomodation. Many rooms are searched without residents’ consent, leading to outcry from YUSU and the GSA. Martin Dales would go on to apologise to students for a “necessary” part of the investigation.

June 2009
A reconstruction of Claudia’s suspected last movements is screened on the BBC’s Crimewatch. The footage, in conjunction with new CCTV showing an unknown man walking around the back of Claudia’s house, sparks a large number of public responses. The leads would eventually be discounted.

September 2009
Six months after the disappearance, Det. Supt. Ray Galloway, heading the case, announces fresh investigations in Cyprus. Claudia visited the island many times, and her last received text was from a friend there. Police are criticised for their delay in extending the investigation, which fails to find any new information.

I remind Peter that his desire to see a constant media interest in his missing daughter has had its negative repercussions. In June, less than three months after her disappearance, the Daily Mail printed a series of stories insinuating that Claudia had a “number of secret lovers” and that “she deliberately targets married men and then dumps them.”

“One newspaper broke ranks from the others who were supporting us in the campaign and it very briefly decided to go down a scurrilous route,” Peter recollects. I ask him to what extent the stories shocked him as a father:

“As far as Claudia’s life is concerned, she is 35, she is a single girl, she is entitled to have as many relationships as she wanted. I think everybody realises she probably hadn’t had 40, which was the one suggestion in that paper.”

“She had several relationships, and in fact it turns out I had met most of the people that she had relationships with. My relationship with Claudia was such that we quite often met for a drink and if she was going out with somebody, the likelihood was that he was there as well, so most of the people I had met. There’s no doubt one or two that I hadn’t, but that would be normal,” Peter continues.

The police did little to dampen the rumours. “As the investigation has developed, it’s apparent that some of Claudia’s relationships had an element of complexity and mystery to them,’ Galloway told reporters. “I am certain that some of those relationships were not known to her family or friends.”

The claim would later be retracted by the newspaper, but not after other follow-on stories appeared in other publications. Dales, who described the initial story as “an invention”, adds that other tabloids, such as The Sun in particular, have been “very supportive”.

It is obvious from his philosophical perspective on the role that the media has played in his campaign that he has a love-hate relationship with the press.

The constant interviews, TV appearances and press conferences are, for Peter, a necessary evil. He is not ready to grieve, and instead exists to believe.

Before leaving I cannot avoid asking him how much he worries that perhaps in 12 more months the media will have forgotten about Claudia and her inexplicable disappearance. His reply is dismissive, if not defiant:

“I don’t think there is any reason why people will suddenly lose interest just because we’re getting past an anniversary,” he says.

“Everybody is very supportive of this, everywhere we go. So I think it will continue.” Peter pauses, as if to stress his conviction. “It will continue.”

It is unnecessary to ask Peter Lawrence whether he ever wavers in his belief that one day his daughter will be found. For him, everyday begins with hope.

Anyone with any information regarding Claudia Lawrence or the continued investigation is encouraged to contact North Yorkshire Police on 0845 60 60 247 or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111.

Henry James Foy

Henry James Foy — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:40:58 +0000

If Dante Alighieri was to rewrite his Inferno in a 21st-century context, surely the horrors of budget airline travel would have a central role in describing the hell that must surely await those in the less favourable side of the afterlife.

Forget the never-ending pain of Judas’s perpetual skin-peeling punishment at the hands of Satan, travelling with the evil capitalist machine of Ryanair surely represents the most fitting retribution for those so sinful enough not to do the clever thing and splash that little bit more cash.

The ordeal begins, without fail, with the proximity of those loathsome members of society that one only finds themselves ill-fated enough to meet at such a location as a Ryanair departure gate.

Mothers seem oblivious of their daughter’s screeching clamour, and fathers blissfully ignore their son’s attempts to flash their genitals at fellow passengers.

If the calamity of unruly children and incompetent parents, in addition to arguing couples who probably should have been a little less tight and flown BA for their honeymoon wasn’t enough to highlight your gross error in purchasing such ridiculously cheap flights, to compound the misery there’s Tomaz, a happy, grinning Ryanair employee trying to flog you priority passes in his joyful eastern European accent.

“Last chance for priority boarding!” he shouts, beaming from ear to ear. “Last chance for priority, only £5 or €7!”. What is most frustrating is that one spends 45 minutes at the back of the queue, watching opportune – or just plain rude – people push in ahead of you, trying desperately hard to ignore his incredibly attractive, and financially reasonable offer.

‘I told you to buy the priority boarding online’ whispers the evil voice in my head. Attempting to subvert this glaringly obvious cock-up, I realise I have been reduced to a pathetic self-denier by Michael O’Leary’s commercial empire and his grinning messenger boy.

When those intelligent priority few have made their journey onto the aeroplane, the mad scramble begins. It’s as if the concept of free-seating makes some people fear that perhaps there aren’t enough to go around. For others, it is altogether too taxing, and their search for an assigned seat code on their boarding pass merits scorn, not pity.

A vampire beast from Albania or somewhere equally unfortunate, resembling an overweight cheeky girl, physically manhandles me past the seat I had eyed up.

“You cannot sit here,” she barks, exposing two fang-like teeth. “Why, who is it for?” “Not you.” I am enjoying this. “The Queen?” “Yes” she replies, without even the tiniest slither of irony. “Oh”. “Yes”. She turns. Our romantic tete-a-tete is over. At least until I get lost on some dark Transylvanian night.

My blood-sucking friend is not the only one. All the staff, ironically dressed in the joyful sunshine yellow and brilliant blue livery of the airline, seem to be sporting the almost-dead do-I-give-a-shit look. Perhaps the mandatory company breakfast is freshly squeezed lemon juice. In your eye.

Forget the never-ending pain of Judas’ perpetual skin-peeling punishment, travelling with Ryanair surely represents the most fitting retribution for sinners

As two Italian women squabble over a space in the laughably small baggage lockers, I remark to another sour-faced hostess that it’s like a school trip but with real grown-ups. “Tell me about it,” she says with a hint of a smile. I am lifted by her human-like emotion.

The aeroplane thankfully takes off in one piece. Strangely, this annoys me to a certain degree. It would move the experience from utterly deplorable to vaguely humorous, but no – it seems their pilots are actually capable.

But what of their in-flight entertainment? Well, the living House of Horrors that populate the cabin are good for a ten minute gander, but quickly become rather nauseous to look at.

There is, however, a special offer on my flight for Fortune Cookies – reduced from €3 to €2. Personally, I think you’ve got to have serious depression issues if you want to buy a fortune cookie on an aeroplane, but apparently you could win a Ryanair flight voucher for a free return trip in the future. I think I’d prefer a comforting ‘Things will get better soon’.

What certainly won’t make things better is the Ryanair Hot Breakfast, a bargain at €5, which is apparently ‘As good as homemade’. Perhaps if you live in a Siberian gulag.

Some of you might think me naïve not to have expected such a deplorable experience. Granted – I knew what to expect. But the worst was to come.

Indeed, I had fully expected the typical Ryanair treatment when it came to our arrival airport, and had envisaged being abandoned in some industrial wasteland a mere hours drive from the city I had paid to fly to. I was wrong. Instead, disembarking at an out-of-town terminal for the wrong town defied even conventional budget airline disbelief. The resultant bus trip took longer than the hellish experience that preceded it.

Read Dante. Shiver. Then fly with Ryanair and get a taste of the real thing.

Off The Record… for good

Henry James Foy — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 13:56:08 +0000

Ho hum, that was fun. Welcome to the end of Off The Record.

This was a test. Would people want to read it? Would people trust my impartiality? Would YUSU let me get away with it?

Across 20 posts in 5 weeks, I’ve had 432 comments and thousands of pageviews. Thank you all for your emails, texts, Facebook messages and whispers in the Derwent Reading Room. You’ve really kept it moving, and I couldn’t have pulled together all this information without you. I hope you found it useful and entertaining.

Your support has been great, and it’s kept me positive in the face of continued YUSU pressure to stop blogging. I don’t want to point fingers, but the nanny-state approach to election coverage this year just hasn’t worked, and I think it needs a total rethink for 2011. Indeed, I am wholly indebted to Charlotte Hogarth-Jones for fighting tooth and nail to keep it running, and I sincerely hope someone follows suit next year. Indeed, perhaps freedom of the electoral press should be something people bear in mind when they go to the polls a week on Monday.

I’m calling it quits for a few reasons. Firstly, I’m tired of the constant fights with YUSU over its legitimacy and the things I can and can’t write. However, moreover I reckon my job is pretty much done – candidates are finalised, and now the real stuff begins – rumours will be replaced by certified news stories, and the Returning Officer media machine will no doubt grind into action. Also, I’ve taken the decision to get involved – and will be running a campaign.

People knock YUSU, and indeed the Elections, as a complete waste of space. This is wholly untrue. The Union affects your life here in so many ways that you just don’t realise, both positively and negatively.

So, please take the time next week to look at the candidates on offer, and please please please cast your vote. Whether you’re a third-year on your way out, or a fresher with no idea what all the posters are about, you have the chance to have your say. Use it.

And did you really think I’d end it without naming who I reckon will win the elections for YUSU 2011? I’m not going to say who I’m voting for, but this is how I think it’ll end up.

Let’s see how long this is allowed to stay online. It’s only my opinion, right?

UPDATED @ 14.53

Well that didn’t last long now did it. Apparently my opinion is deemed far too dangerous to be aired. YUSU strikes again. Vote for whoever you bloody want.

Thank you for reading, and good luck to all the candidates.

Henry

Henry James Foy

Henry James Foy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 13:59:23 +0000

I have nothing against fasting, nor prayer for that matter, they’re both very noble things, and the true foundations of Lent. But what really gets me is today’s concept, viciously re-appropriated by modern society to become a crap version of New Year’s resolutions.

Jesus refrained from turning rocks into loaves of bread. He didn’t stop munching KitKat Chunkys for 40 days just so he could mope around feeling hungry and a little bit proud.

The problem is, nobody is actually going to do something that benefits society in general at Lent. Instead, smug individuals chose to give up something ultimately superfluous to their existence thus overtly announce the relinquishing of their sinful vices.

“I’m giving up swearing for Lent,” one of my friends told me this weekend. That’s great. Have a medal. “I’m giving up chocolate,” another member of the group piped up in response. Bravo. I hope they meet up at Easter and fucking scoff a fuckload of fucking Dairy Milk.

One unimaginative friend even went as far as posting ‘Anybody got any suggestions as to what I should give up for Lent?’ as their Facebook status. There are other ways to be unhappy, you know. I had to physically restrain myself from writing ‘twattish, attention-seeking statuses’. I did have some other suggestions though.

How about giving up not donating to charity, or stopping not flying to earthquake-hit disaster zones with sackfuls of urgent medical supplies? That would be something worth announcing on Facebook.

At this point, you’re probably either wanting to know exactly what I have decided to give up, or you’ve resolved to give up reading this column for Lent, or maybe forever. Not to be out-sacrificed by the general masses, I racked my brains. I wanted a habit that would be tough to break and worthwhile. Something beneficial, yet challenging. However, as I’m not overweight, a smoker, an embarrassed user of expletives, a secret public defecator or a combination of these, I was at something of a loss.

And then I found it. It’s fuelled by both a respect for sacrifice and a selfish desire for benefit. It’s a short-term struggle for long-term pleasure. For I am currently forgoing both my favourite thing and my biological enemy: cheese.

It hurts, believe me, and it has been a struggle thus far, but I’m resolved to it. Cheese is my weakness. Literally, in fact. A few bites of the creamy, soft stuff and I’m wholly incapacitated. It’s the lactose. I just can’t deal with it.I’ve taken the Lactase pills. I’ve tried to find lacto-free mozzarella . I’ve even cut out every single drop of supplementary lactose from my diet, but it’s not enough.

“As I’m not overweight, a smoker, an embarrassed user of expletives, or a combination of these, I was at something of a loss”

You may scoff. You probably should – it’s a rather anticlimactic resolution to a rather angry column topic, but I’m sure you agree, it did provide a striking visual representation. But hold your mocking. This is no easy feat.

It seems my fondness for fondue is in fact a psychological condition, and the difficulty of breaking such a dependence on the darling of dairy is well documented by such scientific titles as Breaking the Food Seduction. Did you see how much brie she ate in a week? Christ, I was dribbling.

And get this. Some evidently insane American scientists reckon they’ve found traces of morphine in cows milk, and have proved that the milk protein casein, which cheese is packed full of, produces opiates. What did the crazy Dr Barnard call cheese? ‘Dairy crack’. And I’m going cold cheddar.

But I still can’t claim to actually be making the world a better place. Unlike a graduate friend who came to stay this weekend and has given up alcohol for Lent. It was only after he told me it was to raise money for his disabled friend’s wheelchair that I hastily stopped telling him how much of a miserable bastard he’ll become for 40 days.

The long, pregnant, and very awkward silence that followed aside, I reckon his is the best reason for forfeit I’ve heard this year. That’s what Lent should be about. Helping others though sacrifice. And avoiding chronic enzyme-related genetic disorders, obviously.

Let the mudslinging and the conspiracies commence

Henry James Foy — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 18:17:27 +0000

If there are two things that can be guaranteed every election season, without fail, they are scandals involving the breaching of campaign rules and policy theft. And bang on cue, with the rumours drying up as candidates retire to darkened rooms filled with smoke and mirrors to draw up their winning schemes, the bitching and finger-pointing has reared its ugly, but wonderfully entertaining head.

At the centre of a brewing storm is Democracy and Services candidate-to-be Chris Etheridge, who has got fellow candidates effing and blinding over what is generally being perceived as s cheeky head-start. OTR was sent the below by an anonymous tipster, but I reckon many of the readers of this blog will have had a similar invitation:

OTR has learned that with Taskmaster Bretts still unwell, annoyed candidates and general election sleuths have fired accusatory emails to YUSU Staff members, current Sabbs and the media. However, OTR has obtained an email that shows when Nouse got in touch with the staff member currently deputising for Bretts, the reporter was told that it is “allowed in the run up to the announcement of candidates and part of the process of ‘preparing for campaigning’”. Whatever that means.

Indeed, when OTR got in touch with Etheridge’s campaign Tsar Peter Campbell, he said that they “spoke with YUSU prior to the invitations” and that the invitations were “all above board”. Apparently, the YUSU line is that if it’s a secret group, unsolicited invitations are totally kosher. I’d reckon that all those people who are complaining now will quickly jump on that loophole bandwagon.

Perhaps more intriguing is a juicy little piece of gossip that OTR heard today regarding policy selling. “Policy selling?” I hear you cry. Yes. If getting people to stick to them wasn’t enough, now they’re being traded.

Allegedly, an as yet unknown member of a Student Activities candidate’s campaign team went rogue and the mercenary little tyke approached a rival candidate with the offer of a certain number of their candidate’s finest policies, for a fee.

What does a decent policy go for nowadays on the black market? Who was this devious little double-crosser? Answers on a postcard please. All OTR knows is that the well-meaning candidate turned down the offer. Good on them. Unless, of course, the policy was crap.

Campaigning starts in exactly seven days time. Nominations close Friday.

Lots of election gossip and intrigue in tomorrow’s Nouse. Look out for it on campus from 11AM.

Gossip and rumours to elections@nouse.co.uk

The opinions expressed above are not representative of either those of Nouse, or of YUSU. They are the speculations and personal views of the author who is not a member of the editorial team, and should be treated as such.

The devil is in the details…

Henry James Foy — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 12:57:46 +0000

Elections rules – OTR, for one, is bored already with them, and there’s still 2 weeks to go until campaigning begins. Still, candidates would do well to take good note of Returning Officer Brett’s rules and regulations. I’m sure no-one wants to suffer the consequences of jumping the toilet advertising gun, or commit the most tempting of sins and fire out that mass email.

But a quick peruse of the official YUSU Elections Handbook throws up some interesting contradictions.

“Everyone will be talking to people, have posters, stickers, badges, Facebook groups, flyers and t-shirts so how are you going to make yourself stand out?”, asks a section on page 24 entitled ‘Tactics’. Interesting – and how are T-shirts going to be costed, is OTR‘s first query. For the record, the official budget is now £35, a £5 rise on last year.

But then, on the very next page, OTR reads:

9. Publicity must be printed at the YUSU printroom, the use of other printers will lead to disqualification.

Now the big question, surely, is “What constitutes as publicity?” Because, as far as I am aware, Your:Print doesn’t do t-shirts. Or, indeed, posters larger than A0, that some candidates might choose to print themselves on campus printers, and stick on large pieces of card. The grey area grows with every example.

Candidates in previous years have used such larger-than-life posters, OTR even heard of Rory Shanks almost getting arrested for stealing broken down boxes from a Tesco loading area. Others have used clothing of debatable legality daubed with election slogans or surnames – how does this ‘publicity’ fit inside clauses 8 and 9 of the Rules and Regulations.

The answer, of course, lies with Bretts – who I’m informed won’t be back on campus until Week 8. Ultimately, he will decide what is ingenuity and what is illegal. Interestingly enough, he most certainly benefitted most last year from the ruling that made cardboard posters made from “illegally” printed sheets of paper legal. One wonders if it will be the same this time around. OTR eagerly awaits the first showdown…

In other news, a helpful candidate pointed OTR in the direction of perhaps Tom Scott’s magnum opus of micro-management – his beautifully presented 2009 Elections Report, which he compiled post-Elections last year.

It’s essential reading for any would-be winner next month. Of particular note are the stats showing voter turnout and voting trends.

Page 6 shows the answers – Derwent leads in terms of turnout as a percentage of population, but the college’s actual potential is ultimately dwarfed by Halifax’s 30% turnout, at three times the size – sew up the Halifax vote and you’re halfway there. On the other hand, Wentworth is an untapped mine of votes; crack that college and a flood of unrealised potential is yours.

The breakdown by year (also on page 6) surely reflects the impact of online campaigning; despite the huge numbers of posters in kitchens and across campus, first-year turnout is a disappointing 10% lower than that of third-years. However, it could also be argued that most of the candidates are in their final year.

Then, for all those planning a final flourish during voting week, think again. Page 7 is a stark reminder that the election is won and lost during Week 8, with almost half the votes being placed in the first few hours of Monday morning, Week 9. If you’re slow off the mark, it might be game over.

And one last word of wisdom from Mr Scott: “There were also allegations of campaigners interfering with rival candidates‟ publicity,” he concludes, before stating that it is “difficult to prove given that it‟s impossible to legislate for Acts of Porter or Acts of Drunk Student.”

Well there you have it then, that’s the way to win: Buy your campaign team a few crates of Special Brew and let the havoc commence.

That’s only a potential idea IN MY OPINION, mind.

A few final remarks. Roberto Powell has declared his official intentions to run – OTR suspects a Presidential bid. Also – candidates are reminded that nominations are all done online this year.

OTR was sat in the YUSU Reception late on Monday afternoon when a confident David Levene breezed in. “Can I have an application pack please?” he piped up, beaming from ear to ear. The YUSU staff member looks non-plussed. Levene’s smile is unwavering: “An application pack, for a nomination?”

“It’s all online” comes the reply. “Oh. Oh. Oh right, yes, of course.” Of course, David, of course.

Sign-up online at http://www.yusu.org/election/nominations

Gossip and rumours to elections@nouse.co.uk

Electioneering heats up, plus Tim’s ‘one-year goal’

Henry James Foy — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 09:53:34 +0000

Nominations open tomorrow, and from where OTR is standing, that fact is all too apparent. At RAG at the Movies last night, only Hesselwood of the likely Student Activities candidates was not in attendance, as Scarlett, Malkin and Unsworth recognised the value of spending time with incumbent Kinchin, showing their RAG commitment and glad-handing potential voters.

Malkin – perhaps looking to quieten the murmurs of dissent from those that view his late arrival on the RAG scene as a little too cynical – came straight from a dance competition in Durham to grace the event. While one high-profile campaign manager told OTR on Friday that they thought he’d “left it too late to join the committee and look genuine”, those involved with the event management last night were full of praise for Malkin’s efforts behind the scenes.

Still, as far as OTR is concerned, Malkin’s efforts to potentially increase his exposure pale in comparison to a certain Mr Jason Rose – or ‘~J’ as he now seems to prefer, alerting all those who weren’t aware of his Nouse comment prowess.

~J – as OTR will hence affectionately refer to him, as current YUSU Campaigns Officer, emailed the 1,900 members of the Save The Porters Campaign Facebook group last night with a request to join a new group and post thoughts on how they have been affected by the changes. Quite why a new group is needed, OTR is unsure, but that would certainly be a good way for Rose to get his name out to 1,900 students that might, as a result, associate him with last term’s protests. Now that’s a strong line to run an election campaign on.

Or perhaps that’s just a conspiracy theory. Who knows. But like I said, nominations open tomorrow.

Talking of nominations, someone who looks set to get his form filled in this week is incumbent President Tim Ngwena, who has declared his intentions to run for a second term. But I’ve been doing some digging…

Now OTR loves archives; they tell you all kinds of perhaps forgotten things. Like did you know that the James Treasurer in 2006 was forced to resign after drunkenly getting his todger out at a committee meeting? Or that later in 2006, YUSU were forced to admit that a sex game of “students’ bingo” was a rather bad idea?

More to the point, do you remember Tim telling hustings last year that he wasn’t at all interested in running for two years and that he had a ‘one-year goal’, despite the tough employment climate. No? Perhaps he can’t either. I bet he regrets saying that now. For the record, the three other candidates gave well-orchestrated open answers. You can find the write-up here at 22:10.

Also, while I’m talking Hustings, go re-watch this video of the traditional Presidents quick-fire questions. It’s actually quite funny – especially when Bushby refers to Grant Bradley as ‘Graeme’. Oh, and when he says he wouldn’t eat a badger because “it’s an animal.”

Credits to Matthew Tole and YSTV.

Where the real power lies?

Henry James Foy — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 18:18:43 +0000

No, I’m not talking about JCRC chairs, aggrandize as they might – though with four of last year’s crop in the mix for Sabbatical posts come March, perhaps one or two might buck the trend and finally emulate Canning and Burton’s rise from the ranks of the overworked and un-paid to, well, the ranks of the overworked and underpaid – if you believe the incumbents.

Yep, that’s right, no JCRC Chair has become a YUSU Sabb election since 2007. And the only one who has tried since then is Dave Sharp, who lost to Lewis Bretts last year.

Anyhow, on to the real point of my rhetorical headline – the non-Sabbs.

OTR has hit something of a brick wall here. In fact, bar the Media and RAG (which is a little ironic given current events), my rather limited rumour mill is all out of steam. If anyone out there is collecting non-Sabb rumours for themselves like a bully in the playground, please share some with me.

If not, I’m going to have to spend two weeks dragging the Steve Miller saga out. And that’s only going to please the Vanbrugh Computer Room Crew.

Still, here’s what I’ve got…

Recent press is unfortunate given that this is the week that the campus fundraising machine should be the toast of the town. Still, possible candidates so far include Charlotte Alexander-Marsh and Suzie Dodd – while many suspect RAG week co-ordinators Joanne Clark and Imogen Stevenson might fancy a crack at it when the week comes to a close at the RAG Bash on Saturday.

All four are on the current committee, as is Tom Hobohm, who cast his net around for a running partner earlier this term, OTR has heard, but has seemingly chosen against a run due to his James JCRC commitments.

YUM Chair – which will be elected alongside the other Officers for the first time this year – is currently a two-horse race, OTR understands, between Laura Connor, of Nouse and YSTV, and Chris Young of Nouse. One wonders how that chestnut might play out in the office come production weekend.

Nominations open on Monday.

Gossip and rumours to elections@nouse.co.uk