The Oscars: As It Happened

A live posting of the Oscars for all those smart enough not to stay up till 5 in the morning to watch it

Image: Wikimedia Commons

Foolishly, I have decided to post my thoughts live on rich people congratulating each other. Yay, its the Oscars. Despite all the awfulness of the Oscars it does help decide the future of films so for that reason alone it makes it worth keeping an eye on. Despite being a film fan I have never watched the Oscars before, mostly because I prefer sleep. Yet as a student my sleeping pattern is already awful so I might as well irritate everybody with my slightly drunk, ill-informed but at least enthusiastic opinions.

Also my comments on the red carpet: I’m sure they all look very nice. Good on them.

1:30 SO IT BEGINS. Timberlake is singing – you know that one song that is the only thing he has sung for the past year. The audience is not into this, they look so confused – maybe they haven’t all seen Trolls! I wish I shared your enthusiasm Justin.

1:36 First Trump reference – this is going to become a great drinking game.

1:39 DRINK (for every Trump reference).

1:42 DRINK with a good ol’ Meryl Streep joke. Okay she’s now getting a standing ovation this is a big much, I mean c’mon ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’. Though if it annoys Trump I can live with it.

1:44 DRINK (This is going to kill me at this rate).

1:45 Jimmy Kimmel is a fine enough host. A big edgy but not too edgy and very smiley. But I doubt I’ll remember any of his jokes tomorrow though. Well done you did fine.

1:47 Best Supporting Actor time. Starting with one people at least care about a bit. Also no obvious favourites for this one. Aaron Taylor-Johnson should have been nominated over Michael Shannon though for Nocturnal Animals though #Stillbitter.

1:51 First big win for Moonlight with Mahershala Ali’s victory. I have not seen this film yet. I’m sure he was very good, he seems very nice, he’s also had a baby. Well done mate.

Note: Also he’s apparently the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Very well done mate.

1:56 DRINK They seem to be avoiding mentioning Trump by name though like he’s Voldemort.

1:58 SUICIDE SQUAD WON. Yes its for Best Makeup and Hairstyling but I’m just angry that pile of flaming garbage is an Oscar winning film. If it was a kind world we lived in I would never have been reminded of that film. I guess the makeup was fine though.

2:01 Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them won for Best Costuming, I guess you could say those costumes were magical (kill me now).

2:09 The Hidden Figures girls seem to be spending most of their presenting time promoting their own film.

Nevermind, they bought out the real Katherine Johnson. I’d seem like an asshole complaining now. She’s very old.

2:11 O.J. Made in America won Best Documentary. I have also not seen this film. Why am I doing this job.

2:14 I want to be best friends with the Rock and… LIN MANUEL MIRANDA, LIN MANUEL MIRANDA. I may like Hamilton a bit too much.

2:16 Auli’i Cravalho is very good and only 16. Can we make it a rule that young people can’t be this talented because I don’t think my self-esteem can take it. Also she got hit by a flag and took it like a champ.

2:23 The President of the Academy is speaking. I’m sure she’s a nice person but this invisible, unbreakable bond shit I’m a little unsure of.

2:25 Oh look its raining sweets, what an inefficient delivery system. I think if a host doesn’t bring food now they’ll be riots.

2:28 Its the one you’ve all been waiting for… Best Sound Editing! Arrival won, that films sure did have some great sounds. Arrival was a very good film though.

2:30 Now Best Sound Mixing I don’t think I can take this excitement. Hacksaw Ridge won – that film had good sounds too.

Okay I’m sure these awards are always overlooked and they are very talented people who probably deserve more credit so well done on your good sounds guys. (I really have no idea).

2:37 Lifetime Achievement awards went to three people I have unfortunately not heard of and Jackie Chan, who was on the red carpet with two stuffed pandas. He deserves it for just that in my opinion but he is one awesome man who could probably still kill me if he wanted to. (Also no Trump for a while fortunately so I’m drinking regardless)

2:42 Best Actress in a Supporting Role time. My bet is Viola Davis cause she is one awesome lady who can give a death state like no other.

And I was correct! She’s giving a speech about corpses and is somehow making it inspiring, like La La Land meets The Walking Dead. I would so watch that. Especially if it has Viola Davis in it.

2:57 Foreign Film time as a film buff I have obviously seen all of them (I have seen none of them). I almost saw Toni Erdmann but I couldn’t push myself to see a three hour german comedy.

The Salesman won but the director wasn’t able to come due to his protesting of the travel ban (seems disrespectful but… DRINK).

3:00 And Sting is performing. He’s still going. I’ve got a strange feeling that this song is not going to win…

3:05 I’m saying DRINK for the anti-Trump New York Times Ad. I may be sick of American adverts but that wasn’t a bad one. All the other ones are as dreadful as expected. THERE’S SO MANY ADVERTS.

3:07 Best Animated Short time, they look really cool. I should have probably watched more of these. Piper won, that one with the bird that people have actually seen because it’s before Finding Dory. It was very cute.

3:10 DRINK. Also I’m calling Zootopia (Or Zootropolis for some reason here in England), it’s racism with bunnies. I WAS RIGHT AGAIN. Of my two predictions both have been right. I’m basically the new Paul the Octopus.

3:13 Best Production Design time. Jamie Dornan also looks very sad. Also first win for La La Land and I doubt it will be its last. Also for the record I liked that film – it made me happy. I like being happy.

3:16 Kimmel is pranking a tour bus full of tourists by having them walk randomly into the Oscars. I feel so sorry for these people. They look so awkward. As a true British person I have nightmares about this kind of thing. I would have ran away screaming or at the very least would be sobbing in a corner. It would have probably made great TV.

3:22 I hate this. Please make it stop. I’m sobbing in a corner for them.

3:28 They asked people around the world what there favourite American film was. Somebody said Suicide Squad. That answer is incorrect. Stop reminding me of that film!

3:30 Okay, Best Visual Effects and The Jungle Book won. To be fair everything in that film was visual effects apart from a child, and yup those tigers looked like tigers.

3:33 They’ve bought on a DeLorean after a piece on Back to the Future with Marty McFly in it. He even has the future shoes! And a Hamilton joke. Finally a two minute segment that gets me. I’ve almost forgotten that Suicide Squad is now an Oscar winning film…

3:36 Film Editing is an art that is so underrated and its so hard to perfect and can either make or break a film. I also know almost nothing about it. Hacksaw Ridge won so I’m just trusting that these people knew what they were talking about. John Gilbert also edited for The Lord of the Rings so he’s already in my good books.

3:39 They are interviewing Sunny Pawar, the little boy from Lion. He’s so adorable. Don’t let Hollywood make him grow up too fast!

3:43 It’s Documentary Short and Live Action Short. I know nothing about either of these categories. I am literally the least qualified person to do this.

The White Helmet won. The director is also not there in protest about Syria. I agree with all the political messages and they all seem very heartfelt but I can’t help but think they are preaching to the converted. Though you never know maybe Donald Trump is watching this crying, one can only dream.

3:48 Sing won Best Live Action Short. I assume it is about singing. Singing is good in my books. I support this choice. (I repeat I have not seen this film).

3:50 DRINK. They also mentioned the Dark Lord by name this time. So Kimmel is tweeting him, in fairness he might actually respond.

3:51 Film Science and Technology award? Kindly the presenters are explaining what this award is. They may be treating us like we are dumb but I am so thank you for this.

All this technology seems really cool actually. I also understand very little of it. Sorry.

3:58 Cinematography award, these were some pretty films. Got a feeling it’s between Moonlight and La La Land here though.

La La Land wins again. It was a very pretty film. He is now kindly listing everybody who worked on this film – you can take some credit mate, you won an Oscar.

4:01 It’s Oscars Mean Tweets. Apparently this is a segment on his show. It’s quite funny apart from most of them aren’t even that mean (well some are), they’re just kinda funny. Stop stealing material Kimmel.

4:04 It’s La La Land song time. Though strangely John Legend is performing both of them, maybe they are remaking La La Land with John Legend playing everybody. I would be up for that.

Also I forgot how great these songs were.

4:12 Lin-Manuel Miranda bought his mum with him. I like that man.

4:14 Best Score presented by musical legend Samuel L Jackson. Is there a more musical man? I’m rooting for Mica Levi’s amazing score in Jackie but come on La La Land is gonna win.

Oh my god. What a twist. La La Land won. Wow.

4:16 Best Original Song. I just want Lin-Manuel Miranda to get his PEGOT. But we all know that La La Land is going to win.

And City of Stars won for La La Land. It is a nice song I guess, I’m just very biased. They are very happy though so I can’t begrudge them too much.

4:20 It’s In Memoriam time. About to get very sad. Its too early in the morning / late at night for this. Some great people died in the last year.

4:28: Okay I think its time for the big 5 now, lets see if La La Land gets everything. Kimmel is doing a skit though… just get to the awards.

4:29 Best Original Screenplay time. Damon and Affleck have returned, they do have great chemistry as opposed to the stilted dialogue between most of the presenters. I kinda want The Lobster to win cause I just love how weird that film is (it’s so not going to).

La La Land… didn’t win. Manchester by the Sea won, Damon and Affleck seemed pretty smug as the former is a producer and the later is the brother of the star. Also La La Land has also lost its chance to win the big 5.

4:33 Amy Adams is presenting best adapted screening. She was so snubbed for best actress #Stillbittter.

Moonlight won, it got one the biggest cheers of the night and that’s how democracy works.

I would also like to apologise for any mistakes. It’s half four in the morning. I’m quite tired.

4:36 Kimmel is giving the stars cookies and doughnuts. I want cookies and doughnuts. Please send me cookies and doughnuts.

4:38 I have just noticed how elaborate the Oscar’s set is. I also just forgot what year it. I should probably go to bed soon.

4:42 Best Director Time also known as Moonlight versus La La Land (Round One).

And it’s La La Land, to nobody’s surprise. Apparently he’s also the youngest ever best director at 31. Stop making everyone else feel bad.

4:47 Best Actor in a Leading Role, I’m thinking Casey Affleck. He was very sad in that film and the academy loves that kind of thing.

Yup it is Casey Affleck, all that sadness paid off. He was very good at the whole sad thing though.

4:54 Now its Best Actress (it’s almost finished). I’m rooting for Natalie Portman who gave an amazingly layered performance in Jackie though unfortunately I think she might lose against the omnipotent La La Land.

Wow do I have predictive powers (also it was pretty obvious). Also I forgot about the Trump drinking game. I’m sorry.

5:03 Finally time for the last Oscar and Moonlight versus La La Land (Round Two) Probably going to be La La Land though since Hollywood do love films about how great Hollywood is.

5:08 And it’s… La La Land. I could never had guessed. I did love that film but it was very obvious.

No wait… what on earth happened.

Moonlight has won Best Picture. The cast literally were on the stage and looked at the envelope and read out Moonlight?

This is an actual mistake I think. The presenters were given the wrong envelope. Wow that was embarrassing. Well done to the La La Land guys though who were such good sports about it but wow did the Oscars mess up. I’m very glad Moonlight won though.

Everyone is very confused. Somebody is so getting fired but wow did that build up the drama.

Okay well that was very dramatic, they really couldn’t think of a worse time to mess up. That twist really made the night. So now it’s half five in the morning. I learned firstly there are so many films I need to see, secondly it is definately too late to be watching television and lastly – no matter how incompetent this post may seem – at least I didn’t mix up the envelopes for the finale of the Oscars.

So long, goodnight.

Leave a comment



Please note our disclaimer relating to comments submitted. Please do not post pretending to be another person. Nouse is not responsible for user-submitted content.