Deborah Lam: Lamentations

In which hates on seven people in the library

Lamentations crop

1. I get it, the library can be a pretty sexy place. But seriously, study tables are not conducive spaces for your wild, passionate romance. Do not cast longing looks of ‘I can’t wait till this exam is over so we can have proper, non-exam-stress sex’ across the table I share with you; do not take breaks from revision by sauntering over to make out with your partner while they’re still at a study table; and for the love of love, do not begin foreplay sexy talk when you think I can’t hear you through my earphones.

2. People who take ‘study breaks’ every 15 minutes? Die. Especially if, every 15 minutes, you turn to your best bud and go, “Aw, mate, I’m so tired of studying.” Firstly, you’ve been here for barely an hour. Secondly, this is the fourth time you’ve said this, I think your ‘mate’ gets it. And lastly, why are you in the silent section of Morrell? You clearly belong in Fairhurst.

3. I’m an English student. I have a lot of books and need and use all of them. To that girl who thought to ask her friend “Who needs that many books?” instead of asking me herself: piss off. Especially because you have the gall to say, “She should just get a locker,” followed by, “But then again, I haven’t handed in my locker key although it’s been requested.” Seriously, you are what’s wrong with the world.

4. I honestly do not care how cool you think your latest EDM track is or how you think you can possibly work with a pounding, headache-inducing bassline in your ears, but if I can hum the tune or recite the lyrics to the music you’re listening to, it’s too bloody loud. Trust me, your eardrums, or what’s left of them, will thank me later.

5. If you do not clean up after yourself, you are an absolute slob. If it’s eraser dust, Dorito crumbs or disease-ridden tissues, dust it off or toss it in the trash. Do I really have to tell people to do this? Apparently I do.

6. If the library is packed and you’re vacating your seat, please, please, please leave it quickly. If you linger at your seat playing on your phone, touching up your makeup or (God forbid) waiting for a friend, I will camp out right next to your seat as though I’m homeless with a cardboard sign saying ‘Will analyse poetry for food’.

7. People who hog the printers because you haven’t had to photocopy anything until you realised that you actually have to do work to pass, ask for help. There is no shame in admitting that you’re fighting a losing battle with an overworked machine. So don’t turn down my efforts to save you. It may be the only professional skill relevant to a workplace that I’ve acquired at uni.

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