1. What happens when you crossbreed Buzzfeed and a poetry slam poet with too many feelings? You get Thought Catalogue. With articles such as ‘5 Ways To Know If You Can Repair Your Broken Relationship’, I’m starting to think the only reason Thought Catalogue exists is to throw extremely pointed tantrums concealed as mature steps to self-actualisation. Stop reading articles from freelance hipsters sat at Starbucks because they can’t afford their own WiFi.
2. We all have that loosely-termed ‘friend’ who’s on a health kick at the moment and posts daily articles from websites like ‘Healthy CareWay’ boasting ‘10 foods that unclog arteries in a totally natural way’ [side note: even the headline has to assure you that it’s “totally” natural]. Don’t give me that “Oh I’m sharing them for my own future reference” bullshit. Internet bookmarks. Ever heard of them?
3. People, please for the love of God, stop with the food porn. You don’t have to tag your significant other in a video by Tasty to try to not-so-subtly hint that what you’d really like from them is pasta, not sex. Because honestly, it’s 2am, Facebook autoplay is my worst enemy and nothing I have in my fridge can even compare.
4. Quit your superstitious bull crap. Nobody needs to know ‘5 steps to take to check if your hotel room is haunted’ or that a ‘Man goes out for a walk one night – what he finds is more than he bargained for!’ Believing in ghosts is cute when you’re five, charming when you’re an emo at fifteen, but something that you should be a little bit embarrassed by when you’re older than twenty.
5. America’s Funniest Home Videos-type viral gif or clips. They’re never really that funny and it just reflects poorly on your sense of humour. There are only two age groups where it is acceptable to laugh at funny animals or people falling down: the I-don’t-know-any-better young and the I’m-on-the-brink-of-dementia old.
6. There is a reason why Instagram and Facebook are separate. So please don’t flood the latter with your selfies. I get that it’s called FACEbook, but there are more appropriate social media platforms for your narcissism. And the people who really enjoy your selfies are probably already glued to your Instagram to a frighteningly stalkerish degree.
7. People who post statuses complaining that they have a million and one things to do on Facebook – die. It shows that you’re either a) Not actually thaaaaaat busy, b) Suffer from “look at my stressful life and feel sorry for me” syndrome or c) Actually believe that people on your Facebook care that you’re busy.