Deborah Lam: Lamentations

Lamentations crop

1. High Medieval literature is extraordinarily depressing. A man desperately calling his King’s army (the equivalent of fellow chav gang members of the time) literally blows his brains out when he huffs and puffs on a war horn. I don’t even have to make any sexual jokes for you.

2. When you reach your final year at university, people want to know things about you that you may not even know about yourself: what you want to do after you graduate, what you’d like to accomplish in the future, why you deserve the job/internship/spot on the postgraduate course/place on Earth. Let the existential crises begin. All prospective employers and postgraduate admissions officers must be awful at speed dating.

3. Non-EU graduates now have to earn £35,000 a year to remain in the UK within five years of graduating so students like yours truly would either have to graduate, go to Syria, try to re-enter the country on the grounds of possessing a university degree or convince a UK citizen to marry us. I don’t fancy my chances at any of those. I bet Theresa May was a mean girl in school who told people, “You can’t sit with us.”

4. As it is now obligatory that any lament list must contain something about Trump, let’s take a second to think about the fact that he has actually won the New Hampshire primary and though we might be enjoying a brew in the UK laughing at Americans on telly, a nutter the same colour as a melted orange skittle is this close from being the leader of the free world.

5. In not-at-all-similar election news, we can look forward to a cardboard covered campus, election speeches interrupting lectures that are way too chirpy at 9am and mildly dramatic YUSU election debates.

6. Valentines Day and Easter means that retailers have two new reasons to justify overcharging for chocolate. Sympathising greatly with the girl in my seminar who wisely said that she has “given up giving up chocolate for Lent”, I feel that this injustice is deplorable.

7. The weather is as indecisive as your significant other when deciding what to eat. And is as cruel as your ex. Even campus waterfowl don’t know if it’s time to come back yet, so they’ve settled on returning but throwing a fit every time there’s a chill in the wind. To which the only rational response is to tell the geese and ducks to man up.

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