Callum McCulloch: 10 things I’ve learnt this week

1. England are shit at sport. In the past year we’ve been knocked out in the group stages of the Football World Cup, the Cricket World Cup and now the Rugby World Cup. Fallibility can be endearing but England’s sports teams are taking this a little too far.

2. Vaseline is every runner’s friend. Who even knew that chafing between your bum cheeks could ever be a thing?

3. You can now buy ‘Netflix and Chill’ condoms. Oh my lord that’s so funny because Netflix and chill actually means have sex with each other. Get it?

4. Sober Salvos is never an option. I felt like David Attenborough mazing my way intrepidly through the sea of alcohol-filled, horny zombies in York’s very own zoo. Not an experience I would ever like to replicate.

5. I don’t do a real degree. I have brought this up on numerous occasions but I had a feeling this would change as I moved into second year. This has not been the case. During my first English Literature lecture of the year, my lecturer played ‘Like a Prayer’ by Madonna and quipped about Chris de Burgh. Unemployment here I come.

6. Freshers’ Week is much more fun as a second year. After an uncharacteristically sensible summer, I renewed my acquaintances with alcohol to devastating effect (did someone order a legend?). This time last year I was reluctant to get too drunk and embarrass myself. It is safe to say, I was much less reluctant this year.

7. Always double-check the location of lectures or meetings. I queued for ten minutes for what I thought was a newspaper meeting only to realise I was 100 per cent in the wrong place when faced with the question: “Which part will you be auditioning for?

8. Gap year jibes are clichéd and lazy. Laughing at cat videos on YouTube or people falling over is clichéd and lazy, that doesn’t mean they don’t make me laugh though. I am interested in what you did on your mind-altering year-out, but don’t let it define you. And please think twice before you wear your harem pants to catered breakfast. ‘Gap-Year Twat’ is a hard nickname to shake – I should know.

9. I love living in a house. Watching back-to-back Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer followed by re-runs of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? has taken up most of my time so far this year. I have however found myself commenting on the “excellent communal areas” and “lovely soft-furnishings” while visiting friends’ houses. I think I’m becoming domesticated.

10. Volkswagen are dicks. 11 million VWs worldwide are emitting up to 40 times more toxic fumes than permitted. I’m a pretty horrendous person, but I must thank VW for making me feel better about myself.

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