Callum McCulloch: 10 things I’ve learnt this week

has had an eventful summer

1. Nepotism is overrated. Working for my Dad this summer may have helped me pay off all the debts I racked up during my hedonistic first year, but I ended up doing all the jobs no one else wanted to. If I have to scan one more tax return, I swear to god I’m going to kill myself. It has however helped me come to the conclusion that I can’t work in an office as I go to the toilet far too often, giving the phrase ‘time off in lieu’ a whole new meaning.

2. A marathon is a long way. Upon completing the Bristol Half-Marathon, the last thing I wanted to do was run another one. I couldn’t work out whether the concerned looks from on-lookers was due to my pained expressions or my running short-shorts which really are treading the fine line between athleticism and indecent exposure.

3. Labour are fucked. Jeremy Corbyn is to Labour what Jacob Rees-Mogg is to the Conservatives. I appreciate their conviction but neither are fit to lead a party, less so the country. If Corbyn were to reach the helm of the country we’d be plunged back into the 1970s, where British industry went to die. At least he bought a new tailored suit for his first PMQs…

4. Posh poo still smells of poo. I managed to secure myself a job this summer at the famous Henley Royal Regatta, a part of the country so posh, the foodbank is in Switzerland. Unfortunately, however, my role was strictly limited to cleaning toilets.

5. If you didn’t post 40 pictures on Facebook, did you really go on holiday? I’m as guilty of this as the next person but just make sure that when you’re stalking through someone’s ‘Zante 2K15’ photo album, don’t accidentally like one of the many bikini photos as you’ll look like a real creep…

6. All music festivals should be abroad. This summer I ventured to Croatia, along with 95% of Leeds and Bristol’s resident pill-heads, for Outlook festival, which confusingly, is not a celebration of Microsoft’s beloved email application. There really is no better way of forgetting all about your deep dark thoughts than getting sunstroke on a pebbly beach.

7. My internet habits have been exposed. I discovered recently that more people visit porn sites than Amazon, Twitter and Netflix combined. I’m not sure ‘PornHub and Chill’ is going to catch on though.

8. I bloody love the Rugby World Cup. I celebrated the opening game in style by engaging in medium to poor banter, singing the national anthem hideously out of tune and spilling curry down my crisp new England shirt. I can’t wait for four more weeks of this.

9. I hate anything with the theme ‘shit-shirts’. Any time these two words are placed alongside one another they are usually followed by my name. My wardrobe may be wackier than Jeremy Clarkson when he’s hungry but I don’t wear these shirts for novelty value, I just have terrible dress sense. So next time there is a ‘shit-shirts’ social, just ask to borrow one of my ‘normal’ shirts.

10. My phone is trying to tell me something. Every advert that pops up on my Instagram and Twitter feed is for a different niche dating app. Smart phones really are becoming annoyingly smart now.

One comment

  1. 29 Sep ’15 at 2:35 pm

    Rex Imperator

    How can you compare the PQE nutter jezza c to the hero that is the mogg; my eyes are bleeding!? May El Duce guide you from your errant, guardianista ways.

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