Views From The Ouse

here are some things I can’t really call myself. Funny. Immune to bullets. Secretly a duck. Any sort of nickname that starts with “the Wolf”. But I CAN call myself an impulsive spender, or at least the sort of person who owns a human skull made out of resin because they saw it on the internet and thought it looked cool.

You see, assuming that your maintenance loan of £1000 a term actually survives accommodation bills, the student mind has a remarkable proclivity towards spending it. Sure, you could stick to blowing it all on alcohol, books and books hollowed out and replaced with alcohol, but why not dream a little bigger?

Take the guy I met who bought an iPhone 6 on his first week – the only downside was that he then had to immediately ask for money for food. Then there was the guy I heard of from Halifax who spent his maintenance loan on a two-handed claymore sword. He owned the thing for one glorious night, and got a shipment of fresh fruit in so he could play real-life Fruit Ninja behind his accommodation.

But, sadly, he left it out in the kitchen, and one terrified cleaner later the sword was impounded by security. His parents had to drive over to pick it up (and you thought it was bad when they had to pick your phone up from school).

There was also the guy who got incredibly drunk and bought an octopus over the internet – by the way, yes, you can do that, via certain aquatic pet websites. He then promptly forgot his purchase until his new invertebrate friend showed up in a plastic bag a week later.

Flick around the internet and there are even better stories. According to The Mirror, 22 out of 1000 students bought cars with their loan at the start of this year, while a couple bought snakes or even pugs. Then there are the people who spent it on krill oil, kangaroo steaks, genuine monk robes and – my favourite – a life-sized statue of Nicolas Cage. (Open up the chest and there’s a replica of the Declaration of Independence! Keep it away from bees.)

So spend away! The only downside of all this is that, naturally, you’ll probably end up destitute, glumly living in a tent by the lake with Nicolas Cage and a pug, trying to work out the exchange rate between yakarma and the British pound. At least you’ll have guaranteed good housemates next year, right?

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