1 My friends don’t think very highly of me. Following a painfully successful frape, which eased past a half century of ‘likes’ with consummate ease, too many of my friends believed that I had nominated myself for BNOC of the year and was imploring people to vote for me. I may be tragic but that is another level.
2 If I was training for my marathon as much as I’m talking about it, I would be able to run it tomorrow. Instead, I am trying to guilt trip people into sponsoring me. It’s for charity, you know?
3 If I get any more than 40 per cent in my exams, I will be annoyed that I didn’t use my time wisely enough. I’m sorry to all of those who need to actually do well but it would be reckless not to make the most of this first-year benefit.
4 If you don’t wear your Uni sport stash, you may as well not play Uni sport. The sports tent may have been hotter than a steam room on 2 for 1 night, but at no point was I removing my UYHC tracksuit jacket. What if people mistook me for just a supporter?
5 If your profile picture and cover photo don’t show you playing in Roses, you may as well not have played in Roses. And did your team really win if you didn’t post a team photo immediately to Facebook announcing the score followed by #rosesarewhite?
6 Floyd Mayweather’s ‘The Money Team’ is just an over exaggerated version of Boats ‘N Hoes from Step Brothers. “Anchors away and shiver me timbers/we like to fuck ladies with our 8-inch members.” Is that Floyd or Dale Doback? Genuinely can’t tell.
7 Vanilla coke and regular coke need to be in different coloured cans. I can’t be the only one who has enthusiastically gulped a vanilla coke thinking it was its far superior flavour only to be met with an assault on the taste buds. First world problems don’t get much more severe.
8 Retrospective to-do lists are perfect for faking productivity. This way you can trick yourself into thinking you’re getting shit done. Self-deceptive procrastination at its best.
9 Ducks are evil. Not only are they intimidating everyone around campus, but I found out this week that they rape and eat each other. Watch your backs kids, the revolution is nigh.
10 I haven’t had a match on Tinder in weeks. Somehow, I think it might be broken…