Callum McCulloch: 10 Things I’ve learnt this week

Tales from a first-year unsuccessful cook

Image: Harriet Cheshire

Image: Harriet Cheshire

1. We won’t be able to survive without Page 3. If only there were a free, worldwide, online destination on which I could look at topless women.

2. I keep forgetting that I’ve left school. Despite leaving almost two years ago, I, without fail, log into the library computers using my school username and password. How tragic is that?

3. Hash browns and potato rostis couldn’t be more different from one another. In the biggest miscarriage of justice in recent memory, Derwent catering department tried to pull the wool over my eyes by replacing hash browns with potato rostis: the veritable horsemeat of breakfast cuisine. I’m not that easily fooled.

4. Transfer deadline day is one of my favourite days of the year. I tried to recreate this by panic buying an overpriced kebab I didn’t want after a night out. Not quite Andy Carroll for £35 million though.

5. I can function when sober. Despite what all of my previous columns may suggest, there are periods in my life when I’m not intoxicated. Although, as a friend kindly pointed out to me, I am much less fun when not incoherently drunk… cheers.

6. Receiving a Valentine’s card from your Mum is one of the most depressing things that could happen on 14 February. Even my calendar had a date on Valentine’s day!
7. The temperature in the library is hotter than a Mexican climbing frame at high noon. Despite being able to see the library from my room, as a first year I rarely venture over to this dark side of campus, hence it taking me this long to discover the library’s equatorial climate.

8. Even the head chef at a Wetherspoons would turn his nose up at my cooking. After attempting to cook for myself and a friend recently, I realised I am destined to live off cereal and takeaways for the next three years.

9. I am impressing myself with my improved excuses not to go running. Who would want to go on a run anyway when I have a whole series of Louis Theroux left to watch on Netflix? It’s safe to say that marathon training is not going well.

10. There are  much more exciting uses for cable ties than putting up campaign posters around campus. Namely tying a housemate to a cupboard and laughing at them for half an hour.


  1. mention again that you drink. please. it doesnt get old

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