Nobilified have got their graft down to a T. Their paintings are cheap, funny, and grant the average person the chance to observe themselves in a flattering guise. Though I might suggest a rebrand, as ‘Nobilified’ – denoting that the subject will be given a rare shot at nobility – invites a mispronunciation that could reveal what the ‘art’ really does for its customers.
The process is simple and the necessary materials close to, or rather in your hand(s). Your phone is the first port of call: take a selfie – and if you’re getting this done you’re likely to have plenty of those already – upload it and direct the team to which traditional painting you’d like to deface, or behead. You can become anyone of worth from any point of history you like – I presume Nobilified will gain their consent, otherwise it really would be taking the phiz – and you’ll only cost yourself about 100 pounds, which is, the last time I checked, below the going rate for forging a new identity; involving less paperwork and being slightly more legal.
Within about 2 weeks, you’ll be able to open your portrait. Though that’s not the only trait you’ll be observing, having taken that selfie-satisfied characteristic that defines our generation, and elevated it to an altogether unreachable level. But why not? Well… my real concern would be with the quality of the painting, which, for a start, is often not in proportion. In many of the pieces, the face beams, perhaps finding its over or undersized limbs and body as hilarious as you or me. The painted selfie is also notably less well produced than what’s below the neck, leaving me to wonder how irritated the first working artist must feel, when, after days of work replicating classic paintings, George W. Bush* is let loose in the studio to do what he does best: ruin everything.
But by all means, order one and stick it above your mantelpiece, have a good laugh – after all, Bruno Mars thinks it’s a good idea. Plus, if you squint hard enough, or pretend you’re from another planet – like Bruno – you might just forget the faults of the painting, the oddity of what it is you’ve done, and the knowledge that every time you claim to have been Nobilified, you can’t help adding in a capital K.
*Who has a known talent for painting bad portraits