Callum McCulloch: 10 things I’ve learnt this week

Callum learns some important lessons

Image: Harriet Cheshire

Image: Harriet Cheshire

1

I need to make more male friends. Watching El Classico on my own in D Bar as none of my friends knew of its existence was a particularly low point this term. I’m currently taking applications, please email for further details.

2

Don’t flippantly joke about drugs with bouncers. After drifting off to a peaceful, triple-vodka Irn-Bru induced sleep in the toilets at Revs, I was rudely awoken by five bouncers banging on the cubicle door. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t appreciate me joking about having “smashed two grams in there.”

3

More Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died of Ebola. It is immensely frustrating how Ebola became internationally recognised as a threat only when cases occurred in locations most people can point to on a map.

4

I need to buy a new jacket. For someone who considers Birmingham as being in the North, these arctic temperatures are ruining me. My current tactic of constantly wearing a beer jacket doesn’t seem a sensible long-term solution.

5

John Lewis’ Christmas advert is sickeningly sexist. What better way to cheer up misogynistic Monty, the prejudiced penguin than by purchasing him a female sex thing. Shame on you, John Lewis!

6

Moustaches are exiled to one month a year for a reason. Ryan Gosling is the only man-God who can pull one off, and he could make a Jimmy Savile Halloween costume seem fashionable as well as tasteful.

7

JCR elections are so much more fun when everybody’s drunk. Why can’t the General Election next year be as boozy? I’d love to see Ed Miliband ‘strawpedo’ a VK; surely the only way to increase his laughably poor polling figures?

8

You need to be rich, funny and good looking to make a woman orgasm. These are scientific facts. I found this depressing news on the internet in a report by Albany University. Don’t ask me what I typed in to find it though…

9

I’m not doing a proper degree. An informed and interesting discussion of Ovid’s Metamorphoses descended swiftly into a debate over Twilight and fan-fiction: so this is why English students are practically unemployable.

10

I have a farcical lack of work to do. This has allowed me to play too much hockey and get stuck – like Nikki Minaj trying to climb through a cat flap – in anything and everything on Netflix. What else is first year for?

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