Boys and girls of every age, wouldn’t you like to hear something strange? A hyena gives birth through its penis, and your parents are trapped in a loveless marriage. Also, it’s Halloween! Nearly!
Yes, Halloween – that famous student holiday where we all go out and drink too much. Just like Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve, and Freshers’ Week, and Tuesday, and actually it’s entirely possible that I’ve just developed a problem.
But on Halloween, you get to do it in costume! Assuming you’ve made up your mind about what your costume is yet.
At that point, your easiest option’s to stick a pair of ears on and say you’re something vaguely approaching a cat. Or just smear some makeup on for Heath Ledger’s Joker (if Christopher Nolan’s budget had been about £15). But come on! Try a bit bigger!
If you’ve ever looked at a parcel with barely-restrained envy, or just need an excuse to scavenge in bins for a bit, make something out of cardboard! A LEGO man, or a Dalek, or a lamp to summon the genie you’re going to need to get this thing ready in about three days.
Maybe just dress as a SEXY something-or-other: there’s all kinds of those. A SEXY caveman! A SEXY goose! SEXY Olaf the snowman from Frozen (disclaimer: this actually exists, though it might make you look a bit frigid). The SEXY Ice Bucket Challenge, with strategically-placed buckets!
Mind you, current events can be a costume all by themselves. Something from the news, or the movies. These can also be made SEXY, if needed (SEXY ISIS! Get those hostages down on their knees, boy)!
Because this is York, we’re also infested with ghosts (and rats, and silverfish, and whatever that was with too many legs in your shower this morning). Get one to jump inside you for a fun costume, and inbetween vomiting blood and ominous Latin call an exorcist. Make sure you pay him, though, or you get repossessed.
And of course, if you’re from Eton, you can just skip all of this and black up. It’ll definitely be as hilarious as you think it is, and no man, woman or national publication’s EVER going to find out about it.
So that’s what, 500 words and the only vaguely-good advice I’ve given’s “dress like the Joker”. Screw it – make that the byline. Live by it. See you next issue!