Views From The Ouse

kingfisher Well, here we are again. It’s always SUCH a pleasure. Time for another year! Time to slope off to your own house for a brand new story with your friends-turned-flatmates. And silently hope that story doesn’t end with “before turning the gun on himself”.

But this week isn’t for you people! It’s for the FRESHERS! Those wide-eyed folks whose burning desire for independence falls somewhere between “snow queen singing on a mountain” or “that vision behind Alex Salmond’s eyes as he cries himself to sleep”. Any minute now they’ll start dumping tea in a harbour.

As such, I’ve decided to use this first column to answer some questions I saw on the Freshers’ Facebook page.

First up – “what happens if I swim in the lake?” Lots of things! Maybe you grow a kidney made of teeth. Maybe you turn into a goose. Don’t worry, though: official policy dictates that whatever disease you catch will probably get named after you.

“What’s the Live and Loud lineup going to be like?” No idea. The only name I know from the poster is Hodor, and I’ve been reliably informed he’s not actually real. Then there’s DJ Fresh, who’s a DJ who’s fresh, and last on the list is “Duke” – consensus appears to be that it’s the Duke of York.

“He had 10,000 tracks, he marched them up to the top of the hill and then he DROPPED IT (make your own dubstep noises here).”

“Where’s my timetable?” Ha! Silly fresher. Doesn’t even know that time is an illusion.

“Will there be a poster sale?” There will ALWAYS be a poster sale. Some day our Sun will expand and our tiny teeming rock will be swallowed whole, and at the University of York you’ll be able to buy a poster of it.

Then there’s just a general warning not to bring summer clothes, to make sure the Southerners don’t freeze to death. It’s hard enough for them – nobody here speaks English. Some of them aren’t even that fond of dear old Maggie. People keep offering them “butties”, which is probably some perverse sexual code.

And that, sadly, is all there’s space for. Just remember – don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! “I” being an anonymous entity, here, so really I could be doing anything. Do ANYTHING.

…except THAT. Ew. You weirdo.

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