Poppy Bullard: Cabinet Tombola

At the Annual Conservative Fete For Hardworking Brits it’s time for organiser Mr “Hardworking Brit” Cameron to draw the tombola…

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’ve all had a super, hardworking, British afternoon at the annual Conservative Fete For Hardworking Brits; I know all of us on the committee have had just as much fun and, of course, have put in just as much hard work (and, of course, are just as British) as all you hardworking Brits.

“I’m afraid I shall have to start this year’s speech with a short announcement. I am sorry to say that our previously very successful Horse Riding Stall has been forced to undergo a full investigation after claims that one of their horses was harbouring extremist views; values I think we can all agree are neither Hardworking nor British, and should absolutely not penetrate the equestrian world.

“But now onto the main event: it’s time, once again, for my favourite part of the fete – it’s the Cabinet Tombola! This works just like a normal tombola, but instead of normal hardworking British prizes like sloe gin, the prizes range from minor government departments, all the way to major ones! In order to make sure it really is completely random, here is my beautiful, hardworking, British wife Sam to draw the tickets..”

“Hello everyone, gosh isn’t this fun! Okay first up for grabs is the role of Foreign Secretary – wow, that’s a big job! Here we go, aaaaaaaaand the role goes tooo…

“Hang on, this says Mr Clegg? Darling should this say Mr Clegg? Oh no, wait a minute someone has crossed out the name underneath and written Mr Clegg. Nick, that’s really not fair on everyone else. Please don’t write your name on top of someone else’s. Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I can see now, the real name on here is Mr Hammond! Well done Mr Hammond! I’m sure everyone will have much less trouble understanding your accent! But for those of you who are disappointed, don’t worry, Mr Clegg will be in the stocks at three o’clock at the Lib Dem Policy Lab, where you can gunge your least favourite Lib Dem for only £1!

“Now on to the next big job – okay wow! This another great one! It’s time to draw the role of Education Secretary! Heeere we go – aand the job goes tooooo…

“George? What are you doing under the table? What do you mean ‘take the one in my hand?’ I’m supposed to take it from the tombola. What do you mean ‘Dave said it was okay?’ Are you sure? Why does this one have the label marked ‘Token Women’, is that right? George? No, that was my leg. Okay fine. Okay! Ladies and gentlemen, the job of Education Secretary goes tooooo… Nicky Morgan! What a surprise – don’t you just love what the Cabinet Tombola throws up! Well done Nicky!!

“Well after those big ones, let’s draw something a little more lighthearted – okay ladies and gentlemen, here’s the draw for the role of Chief Whip! And the job goes tooo… Michael Gove? Mr Gove? Hahaha! How funny! Hahaha! Gove! Hahahahaha…!”

“Okay, we’ll leave the rest of the Tombola until my wife calms down. In the mean time do enjoy yourselves you hardworking brits. Just as a reminder, the sweet shop really is great (British) value, and later we’ll also announce the winner of the Guess The Number of U-Turns in the Policy Jar competition…(enough is enough – ed.)