Student newspaper opinions can have a range of forms, from the ‘kind of okay’ to the ‘absolutely dire’. But sometimes you have to give someone the biscuit for reaching the crème-de-la-crème of living in a bubble of such miniscule dimensions that the woods become inexplicably lost amongst the trees of campus life.
One such example emerged this week at Bristol where Plum-in-throat student journaliar Becca Atkinson made a bit of a boo-boo by writing down, in public, ‘what she actually thinks’. Her thoughts are so amusing that they’ve even drawn outrage at a uni where there are more fucking red trousers than you can shake a hunting stick at.
This privately educated leader of the people wrote for The Tab, the long-standing student paper renowned for its accuracy and careful analysis, to vent her frustration at anti-posh prejudice. It emerges through her careful analysis that those of you who think the Bullingdon Club’s activities are a bit iffy are in fact as reprehensible as Hitler, those guys who neutered Alan Turing, and as it turned out last week, One Direction’s Liam Payne.
Naturally if you didn’t go to public school and trot around the grounds on ponies then you haven’t much hope of becoming a “leader”. These kinds of people have been learning how to be a “leader” since birth. But then if, as PM, you can’t mount your steed and charge down the Euro-lefties what hope have you got?
“One-on-one attention” is also underlined as a feature of those who go on to lead. One has to assume she didn’t mean the kind of “attention” that some of Clegg, Blair and Johnson’s school colleagues might have received, which really does put caning in a whole new light…
Continuing, we hear that classist Jim Crowers really don’t have that much to moan about, since Miss Atkinson’s daddy pays their school fees too. They have been admonished and told to check their privilege.
Having spoken to a number of psychologists and gastroenterologists, I can estimate that surgery to insert her head that far up her arse would have cost approximately £32,000 per year (full board, not including extras). Miss Atkinson was probably wise to refuse to disclose the actual value, although even without such a declaration one would have to question her ability to get a job (that is, unless she wants to be prime minister).
Private school kids aren’t just great leaders though, they’re also “cleverer” [sic, now corrected] than you. Sitting in front of an interviewer and burning a £50 note is a “stringent test” that most couldn’t dream of passing, but apparently it’s because you’ve already spent your money of Lamborghinis and holidays to Antigua. You might have a great tan and be able to go faster than the new Mini Miss Atkinson got for passing her GCSEs but you haven’t got a private school education.
Miss Atkinson’s article has also caused panic at the higher levels of government as she exclusively revealed that most of the great unwashed are “underhand” and “dishonest” for buying houses near good state schools. It is also believed that the unemployed are secretly working, and that those claiming pensions are actually “not that old”.
Fortunately we don’t have to worry too much about Miss Atkinson’s concerns since the Guardian has reported that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced his wish to improve equality in the education system by closing down all schools. This may or may not be true.