Tom Witherow: The 5 types of sex you’re having right now

There are five different ways that students are getting into the sack – and none of them involve any hyper-stalking on RateMash.com…

It’s week 9 and relationships are falling apart as fast as public school boys’ reputations. It was only two weeks’ ago that the first of my friend’s smug wanky coupliness (SWC) came crashing in at the door. SWC number 1 demanded ‘a hug’, needed ‘Bridget Jones’ and couldn’t live a moment longer without ‘ice cream’.

Clearly a crisis was afoot. (Even if for a short time it was I who was smug and wanky. On the inside you understand).

But as I endured the 2 Minutes (Man) Hate played on repeat, I started to get concerned for the welfare of the student body (something which of course exercises me regularly). With all of these ‘crises’, where was the sex? In the termly recession of relationships would we recede into a sex life akin to a Jarhead-ian dystopia armed with a Bon Iver soundtrack?

No! We at York are made of sterner stuff. We tread the same streets as Cromwell, have winters to rival Westeros and put up with @Yusuprez’s incessant hashtagging. In fact I reckon there’s a whole five different ways that students are getting into the sack – and none of them involve any hyper-stalking on RateMash.com.

1.) The sex-is-cheaper-than-turning-up-the-heating shag. Quite how York has managed to do so badly in the sex rankings is quite beyond me. In the bitter depths of winter, you will inevitably have one totalitarian housemate guarding the thermostat day and night with some tribal weapon he picked up on his gap yah, maintaining the temperature at a frugal minus three degrees centigrade.

Only one choice is left open to you. Electric blankets are too expensive. Hot water bottles ceased to be useful when you turned five. You will have to fine ANOTHER WARM-BODIED HUMAN BEING. And think of the benefits – you will be lauded by a grateful Tory party. This is the Big Society in action. You are doing your bit for the nation, for the progress of society. Nice one you. Less rosy is…

2.) The Revenge Shag. It’s week 8. You struggled through weeks of pain and agony. You’ve been dating him since you were 15. You said you’d manage, the distance would be fine. You did not manage. The distance was not fine. She broke up with you by text. You will sleep with anyone to piss off your ex (watch out best mate from school…).

3.) The ‘finish-with-the-hot-water-bottle’. This isn’t some sort of sexy move, this is because you are having no sex. Remember the Harry Fairhurst is a sexless desert, if you’re popping more Modafinil than MD you could at least be spending your breaks trying to get involved in …

4.) The Tinder Date. Who knows where this will end up. You’re going in blind… well not completely blind, you’re going in based on three pictures selected from 3,000 shot over a period of ten years. You’re going in blind. All you know about each other is that you’re both DTF – which for the unitiated means ‘dashing, thoughtful and funny’. You have to say it on Tinder apparently, or everyone thinks you’re an asshole.

Courting custom, far from the complexities of the struggle met by Jane Austen’s unfortunate heroines, have evolved to an utter inanity which must have any Darwinists completely miffed. No longer must you spend years in education studying the classics, dancing some wanky waltz, learning which of the seventeen forks you to select to slurp down your crevettes… Things are a bit simpler now: “hi”… “hi”… “you dtf”… “yeah, you?”… “yeah”… “kl”. The Tinder Fuck is so simple you don’t even have to spell out complete words.

And thank god, because it’s the only thing between most of us and …

5.) The Panic Shag. Closely related to the Tinder fuck, this form hasn’t got into full flow yet since we’re a fair distance from the buffers of summer exams and the social abyss of holiday employment/graduate unemployment. But early planners are building up their levels of sexual capital in preparation for this inevitability, with those who haven’t yet mastered Tinder particularly concerned (shout out to all my fellow Snake II players). So if you’re punching above your weight, your reputation as a great guy and a bedroom god may be getting around. Alternatively you may have nabbed yourself a Panic Shagger.

Sorry to burst the bubble.

3 comments

  1. 26 Nov ’13 at 8:21 pm

    Georgia Mackay

    Haha Tom you’ve only gone and done it again! Great article.

    Reply

  2. “@Yusuprez’s incessant hashtagging”

    #newfavouritething
    #fuckhashtags
    #yeah!

    Reply

  3. safe sex behind all the above was understood, no?

    thanks from pro-plan-now.org
    We have a long way to go with awareness, education, and emphasis on contraception – and eliminating all the taboos.
    Contraception: It’s okay to talk about it! Please do!

    Reply



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