Poppy Bullard: The Twelve Days of Pissedmas

Cartoon: Kate Mitchell

Cartoon: Kate Mitchell

From Monday Week Nine until Friday Week Ten
There are only twelve days til Christmas.
Twelve days of hedonistic revelry, twelve days of freedom again;
These are the Twelve Days of Pissedmas.
On the first day of Pissedmas, t’was the college formal,
Oxymoronically named – social transgressions are normal,
My true love could only flourish with aplomb
His heartfelt gift: a single Jaeger bomb.
On the second, third and fourth days, wine was mulled,
Mince pies baked, tinsel thrown and pints were pulled.
Come days five and six, a great light did shine
Upon the Sports Dinner, and the heraldry was thine:
“Do not be afraid, this is the night of nights”
Said a Host of Heavenly Kryptonites.
Suddenly day eight emerged as though from a fog,
Mmm… last night was total heaven…
Wait – what happened to day seven?!
Oh Christ. Only one option. Hair Of The Dog.
Days nine, ten and eleven passed in keeping:
Gin and tonics dancing, daiquirizz a leaping,
Tequila;s a sw]mming, bu wha’ hppned to numbr eight?
(You should stop. You’ve had enough mate)
O th twelhths;lsl pissdmAsas
I dun wh’appn last nite?
### where uu thik durnk.
OFUCk ;is bcsot CRISZMSAAS

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