1. Thou shalt not pre-drink on an empty stomach.
Getting slightly too drunk at half seven and then sobering up by getting food when you get there isn’t very tactical. Also, best and worst four pounds spent on a burger.
2. Thou shalt not mosh.
And to Pigeon Detectives no less. Mosh pits are specifically designed to contain insanity appropriate to the music playing. An absence of such an area does not call for initiative to create one, especially not in the middle of a packed crowd.
3. Thou shalt not use the porta-potties.
However much queuing for shit toilets may add to the bona fide festival experience, take the advantage of the fact that you’re right next to a university building. In case you missed it, it was the one with the giant spinning Live & Loud logo projected onto it.
4. Thou shalt not begin to play songs everyone knows the lyrics to, and then not play the chorus.
Surely an audience passionately chanting the lyrics to a verse and then resuming the absent-minded swaying when the DJ decides that the chorus isn’t important should be adequate feedback.
5. Thou shalt not drunkenly (and nostalgically) sing S Club 7 songs at the top of your voice.
Yes, the security guards eyeing you are contemplating throwing you out. No, there ain’t no party like an S Club party.
6. Thou shalt not ask a photographer to take your picture and then accept his offer to take a clip of you waving when you find out it’s a video.
Is five seconds of awkward waving really how you want to be immortalised?
7. Thou shalt not let your background dancers wear sequinned dresses and then show up as the headlining act wearing leggings and a t-shirt.
Yes Katy B, we’re looking at you.
8. Thou shalt not forget to provide bins.
Although I do suppose wading in plastic cups is reminiscent of an actual festival, I don’t envy the people cleaning up.
9. Thou shalt not decide that everyone else is taking the wrong way back to Heslington West and go in the opposite direction.
Walking home in Northern Autumn weather (which is winter, really) is enough to knock any festival high out of you.
10. Thou shalt not know the lyrics to any of the songs.
Except, of course, when you ask complete strangers the resounding question of whether they will ‘keep moving with the lights on’.
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Featured image credit: Agatha Torrance