YUSU Bastard: Who to avoid in Freshers’

York’s resident troll turns his unconcerned eye to the worst of campus’s people to advance a warning to incoming Freshers

So, you got into one of the worst universities ever. I’ve been told to congratulate you for this “achievement”, but I tend to only praise people for things that are worthwhile – curing cancer being a notable example. But sure, I bet sociology is just as hard.

Anyway, as part of my public service to you, here’s my advice to all you young freshers on who to avoid during your years at York:

1. Student Journalists

I cannot stress enough just how awful this breed of human is. And of course, York is crawling with them. Meet them at a party and they won’t shut up about their internship at The Guardian, or just how much you should read their feature on Africa this week. I advise that if one ever tries to speak to you, put your fingers in your ears and repeatedly sing Taylor Swift until they disappear. Alternatively, say you write for The Yorker, that way they won’t consider you worth their time.

2. Student Politicians

Possibly even worse than the journalists, these folk are pretty much the Gestapo of York. Having their eye on the YUSU presidential seat before they’ve even set foot in the university, they’ll often pester you to vote for them as if they were a Jehovah’s Witness high on sugar. While frequently campaigning on ‘hope’, ‘change’ or whatever else is on the back of a cereal box, their reforms tend to actually mean more fancy dress charity runs. Watch out in particular for aspiring college chairs.

3. The Club of PEP

Otherwise known as the Oxbridge rejects, it’s hard to have a conversation with this group without hearing the terms ‘JP Morgan’ at least once. These self-appointed aristocrats might shy away from the typical Freshers’ week, but that’s probably because they’re in the library, researching their dissertation. Living up to the C-rate Oxbridge experience, they even produce their own little academic journal, which I’m sure someone reads…

4. United Nations Association

Unless you went to private school, you probably don’t know what UNA is so let me summarise – it’s basically Dungeons & Dragons, only more lame and with an absence of beer and pizza. They are the campus diplomats who spend their Monday nights stopping nuclear war… I for one am very convinced that one of these protégés will definitely solve the Middle East Crisis.

5. The Gym Mafia

Seeming to believe they own the gym, the gym mafia can often be found chugging protein shakes and feeling up the biceps of their fellow gym buddies. Often, they take up all of the weights area, as if it were a testosterone-induced version of Bettys.

20 comments

  1. SOCIOLOGY IS A FINE SUBJECT YOU ASSHOLE. I’m going to gut you like a fish.

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  2. Finally, someone who is WILLING to fight me.

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  3. and people who write lists like this.

    you scrote.

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  4. I feel as if this is incomplete. Can there be a part 2?

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  5. Hahaha point 3 so true…

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  6. Poor advice. It’s well known that Taylor Swift is the artist of choice for a number of York’s student journalists.

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  7. lol harsh but a tad true

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  8. “Resident troll”
    23dgy4mem8

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  9. 19 Aug ’13 at 12:35 am

    Isidore of Seville

    I preferred YUSU Bastard before she was famous and got a nouse column. She’s too mainstream now tbh.

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  10. Yawn. This would be entertaining if it weren’t entirely predictable. I’m still waiting for Nouse to find an actually interesting columnist…

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  11. You keep using “UNA”… I don’t think it means what you think it means.

    Perhaps you are basing your assertions on a dodgy Simpsons episode rather than having attended anything?

    The rest are broadly true, though.

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  12. 19 Aug ’13 at 2:08 pm

    Isidore of Seville

    @ExStudent: I attended a UNA conference in a former life as a student journo. It’s just as bad as YUSU Bastard describes it. I spent three hours sitting in a meeting with a dozen 19 year olds pretending to be high-flying diplomats arguing over oil rights in some banana republic. Exactly nothing of value was achieved. Three hours of the same damn arguments repeated over and over, mind-numbingly dull conference procedure, and a white boy from Derby pretending to be Ghanaian.

    If you want to have pretend arguments about Important Issues, go join a debating society. If you actually care about world politics, go volunteer for Unicef. There is literally no point to UNA.

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  13. @Sam

    You’re right, – I forgot to add the rowing club, otherwise known as the group of people who believe they’re something special because they can do something a machine can accomplish in 1/1000000 of the time. Often casually wear their rowing gear in the library incase anyone doesn’t know they do rowing

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  14. 20 Aug ’13 at 6:42 pm

    Stick to Twitter

    You were occasionally amusing when limited to 140 characters, this, however, just comes off bitter and completely unfunny.

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  15. Not so sure I should avoid UNA, she’s my favourite of the Saturdays.

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  16. 26 Aug ’13 at 11:36 pm

    ClubofPEPisnumber1allelsearepeasants

    “YUSU Bastard” is a peasant I had never previously heard of, but I’m sure his degree in media studies or whatever such nonsense the university is belittling itself by offering nowadays will see him in good enough stead that he is able to continue to mock those of us with professional futures ahead of us. We’ll return the favour by gracefully continuing to pay the taxes that become his benefit check.

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  17. 26 Aug ’13 at 11:38 pm

    Checkyourprivilege

    @ClubofPEP
    Just the kind of elitist rubbish I’ve become accustomed to hearing from the likes of you! Just because your degree is more highly regarded by some doesn’t mean you’ve achieved anything yet! Achievement is a bourgeois construct anyway, and I refuse to recognise it.

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  18. 26 Aug ’13 at 11:40 pm

    Langwith resident

    To hell with all of you, freshers should just avoid Hes West in general. Who wants to socialise with people or go to a bar/shop/atm/location-resembling-civilization? Yuck.

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  19. Avoid what? Who? Where?

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  20. 5 Sep ’13 at 9:16 am

    Aretheyserious?

    You forgot to add:

    6. Anyone involved in this year’s production of Jesus Christ superstar.

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