So, you got into one of the worst universities ever. I’ve been told to congratulate you for this “achievement”, but I tend to only praise people for things that are worthwhile – curing cancer being a notable example. But sure, I bet sociology is just as hard.
Anyway, as part of my public service to you, here’s my advice to all you young freshers on who to avoid during your years at York:
1. Student Journalists
I cannot stress enough just how awful this breed of human is. And of course, York is crawling with them. Meet them at a party and they won’t shut up about their internship at The Guardian, or just how much you should read their feature on Africa this week. I advise that if one ever tries to speak to you, put your fingers in your ears and repeatedly sing Taylor Swift until they disappear. Alternatively, say you write for The Yorker, that way they won’t consider you worth their time.
2. Student Politicians
Possibly even worse than the journalists, these folk are pretty much the Gestapo of York. Having their eye on the YUSU presidential seat before they’ve even set foot in the university, they’ll often pester you to vote for them as if they were a Jehovah’s Witness high on sugar. While frequently campaigning on ‘hope’, ‘change’ or whatever else is on the back of a cereal box, their reforms tend to actually mean more fancy dress charity runs. Watch out in particular for aspiring college chairs.
3. The Club of PEP
Otherwise known as the Oxbridge rejects, it’s hard to have a conversation with this group without hearing the terms ‘JP Morgan’ at least once. These self-appointed aristocrats might shy away from the typical Freshers’ week, but that’s probably because they’re in the library, researching their dissertation. Living up to the C-rate Oxbridge experience, they even produce their own little academic journal, which I’m sure someone reads…
4. United Nations Association
Unless you went to private school, you probably don’t know what UNA is so let me summarise – it’s basically Dungeons & Dragons, only more lame and with an absence of beer and pizza. They are the campus diplomats who spend their Monday nights stopping nuclear war… I for one am very convinced that one of these protégés will definitely solve the Middle East Crisis.
5. The Gym Mafia
Seeming to believe they own the gym, the gym mafia can often be found chugging protein shakes and feeling up the biceps of their fellow gym buddies. Often, they take up all of the weights area, as if it were a testosterone-induced version of Bettys.