Poppy Bullard: Doctor Who? Doctor Malcom Tucker..

Announced yesterday as the new Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi stole the nation’s hearts playing the role of Malcom Tucker. But what would happen if Malcom Tucker was the inspiration for the latest Doctor…

"Sonic Screwshite.."

“Sonic Screwshite..”

A derelict warehouse. The Doctor and Mary, his assistant, stand underneath half-erect scaffolding and a dripping water pipe. They wait in silence. A Dalek enters behind the Doctor. The Doctor spins round to face the Dalek as Mary cowers behind his shoulders.
Mary screams and takes The Doctors hand.

The Doctor: Oh for FUCKS SAKE get a grip you absolutely USELESS combination of breasts and stupid fringe. If I wanted a stressful soundtrack to my defeat of the Daleks I’d be asking you to make the noise of a horse with colic being taken up the arse by another horse WITH A DICK MADE OF CACTI. I don’t. So I haven’t, if your tiny brain hadn’t noticed, so if you’re going to make any noise at all, make fucking whale music, or FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Mary stops screaming and looks distressed. She moves further behind The Doctor and sinks down next to the wall. The Dalek moves toward The Doctor and Mary makes a muffled shriek.

Dalek: THE DOCTOR MUST SURRENDER.

The Doctor takes out his sonic screwdriver and points it at the Dalek

The Doctor: OI. Look, you ACNE-COVERED WHEELIE-BIN with less of a chance of aggravating the general public with your talk of ballistic destruction than Kim-Jong Un standing on the border of South Korea playing “Push The Button” on a small personal stereo, if you don’t change the FUCKING record, I will LITERALLY come over there and take that over-sized sink-plunger off your face and twist it SO FAR ROUND that you will be left with a PERMANENT FUCKING MIRROR IMAGE of your own PUTRID FACE.

Dalek: THE DOCTOR MUST BE EXTERMINATED.

The Doctor walks over to the Dalek, still holding the sonic screwdriver. He begins to circle the Dalek.

The Doctor: And why the JIZZY BOLLOCKS is that then, Winnie-the-Pissing-Alien, you vocabularily-stunted dishwasher.

Dalek: THE DOCTOR MUST BE…

The Doctor: Extermi-FUCKING-nated? Yeah, you already said that. Is that literally all you can think of Little Miss Twatshine? Jesus CHRIST, talk about lack of creativity in the modern workplace. Yeah, I get it – you’ve been conditioned – but once upon a pissing golden era, one of your infinitely better looking and more talented godfathers would have actually had the idea to exterminate something, and I respect that, he was probably a good bloke. But now look at you. You’ve got your STUPID little egg-whisk arms so far up your BACKSIDE OF BROKEN DREAMS that every time you utter those three moronic words in an attempt at a catchphrase, you’re just FIRING JETS OF IMPOTENT SEMEN ALL OVER THE HOPES OF YOUR FOREFATHERS. I hope you’re proud, E.T.

Dalek: DOES NOT COMPUTE.

The Doctor: Of course it doesn’t FUCKING compute. I once slept with Anne FUCKING ROBINSON and she had less trouble computing my hairy ball-sack than you could, you YOGHURT-POT-CLAD MOBILITY-SCOOTER.

Dalek: THE DOCTOR MUST BE EXTERMINATED. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE.

The Dalek’s head begins to flash and it moves towards The Doctor. The Doctor side-steps and it moves towards Mary, who begins to scream again, runs to join the doctor once more, and takes hold of his sleeve.

Mary: Doctor please! Please make it stop! I can’t!

The Doctor: DO NOT TOUCH MY SLEEVE YOU COMPLETE WASTE OF VALUABLE NATURAL RESOURCES.

The Doctor shakes her off his sleeve brusquely and mutters to himself. Only the words “fuck” and “piss-pot” are audible. The Dalek heads for Mary.

Mary: Doctor! Doctor!

Dalek: EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMI…

The Dalek stops moving, and the light in its head stops flashing. It is completely still and it’s laser falls limply to its side.

The Doctor: Alright Nancy-Twatting-Drew you can look now.

Mary: Oh Doctor! What did you do? Is it safe now?

The Doctor: I took the fucking batteries out. Remind me again why you’re even here?

They walk away from the Dalek and towards the exit. As they walk away The Doctor rumiantes:

Wanker.

3 comments

  1. 5 Aug ’13 at 11:05 pm

    Don't be afraid of spell check and proof-reading, Poppy

    They can be your best friends.

    Reply Report

  2. Don’t worry, I knew this idea would be taken on by many (it’s not particularly original). But, if you’ll note the time of publishing for each article, you’ll actually see that mine was published approx 4 hours before the Guardian one… But thanks for letting me know.

    Reply Report

Leave a comment



Please note our disclaimer relating to comments submitted. Please do not post pretending to be another person. Nouse is not responsible for user-submitted content.