Poppy Bullard: Handbook for First Time Royal Parents

reveals excerpts from the coveted handbook given to all new Royal parents…

"Just get on with it darling, people are waiting.."

“Just get on with it darling, people are waiting..”

The First-Time Royal-Parent Handbook is presented to new Royal parents at the birth of their first child and is said to contain over 500 years worth of Royal parenting advice, which ostensibly dates back to 1516 and the birth of Mary I. Disclosed to the public for the first time in over 500 years, the advice has been amended and altered by each monarch, presenting the new parents with a fresh perspective on modern royal parenting…

Chapter One

The Birth
The first, and most important, lesson to teach any new royal is that of captivity. The mother must demonstrate the necessity to relinquish any element of free thought, speech or action, even before the child is born. The birth must therefore reflect a life of pre-made decisions. To that end, the mother must choose a birth date, and stick to it, even in the face of what may appear to be natural attempts for the baby to deliver itself. Should the due date come before the baby desires to be born, the mother must simply begin pushing until the baby arrives. This will indicate to the royal child that not only is punctuality an essential life skill, but that it is being born into a well-oiled and precision-tuned machine, where a pressing social engagement must always be kept. Likewise should the baby attempt to arrive before the decided due date, the mother must sit cross-legged and until the pre-decided date arrives.

Nutrition
Feeding a newborn royal can often prove difficult, due to the persistent presence of the silver spoon lodged in the infant’s mouth. But logistical issues aside, the most effective diet for a newborn royal consists of the following:
– puréed ancestral history
– mashed taxes
– a gently heated broth consisting of military victories and unadulterated patriotism
All served to taste in Emma Bridgewater crockery (there should be no reason a young royal shouldn’t understand the domestic plights of the upper middle class).

Obedience
Obedience is a key component of a royal upbringing and the child must be rigorously trained. This will prove to be of paramount importance in the future when dealing with either Parliament or the Commonwealth. Here are some simple dos and don’ts.

Do:
-Start with simple commands such as “sit”, “stay” and “basket”
-Progress to more complex commands such as “heel”, “fetch” and “drop”
-Finally introduce the essential commands, including “agree”, “back-track” and “sign here”
– Train in your home or garden, before attempting to practice at public engagements
-Always give the child an enjoyable long-lasting chewy treat to relax with at the end of a session, or s/he may become frustrated when the rewards stop

Don’t:
– Train inside. This will minimise the risk of accidents due to over-excitement or stress
– Begin training immediately with the Prime Minister or other senior politicians. This may result in early disillusionment of the child

Dress
As you would the King or Queen. But smaller.

Acceptable Nursery Games
Whilst emphasis is placed on “obedience” as a defining element of the royal child’s development, “fun” is also encouraged in small doses. Here is a selection (which is by no means exhaustive) of some old favourite nursery games:
-Hide, Seek, and Conquer
-Risk (“World Domination” only – no “Capitals” version)
-Stuck In The Recession
-Guess Who? (Cabinet edition – applicable only to a Conservative Cabinet)
-Nanny Archery
-Casual Racism

Schooling and Education
N/A
(…this is getting silly now – ed.)

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