Shepherd’s Pen

Why hasn’t David Cameron invaded France yet?

The country has this week descended into chaos after the death of Lady Thatcher. We have the Tories weeping into their vintage port and the Left happily sipping their champagne in fairtrade disposable cups. The one positive I can see from this is that The Mirror may refrain, albeit briefly, from publishing stories about how Thatcher literally caused Hurricane Katrina.

Anyway, what this whole palaver has shown is that the country is broken. We have people celebrating the death of an elderly woman, the media preoccupied with a woman who left office 23 years ago and Robbie Savage considered a legitimate football pundit. It is clear we have a problem. And after little thought, I have a solution.

The French aren’t going to put up much of a fight; I hear they have already surrendered to North Korea.

I have holidayed in Europe many times and upon reflection of my time amongst our continental chums I have decided that the best way that Britain can improve as a country is to annex the land of liberté, égalité and fraternité, France.

Bear with me on this one, as I truly feel it can work. For starters, the French aren’t going to put up much of a fight; I hear they have already surrendered to North Korea.

Take note also, that France is twice the size of Britain. As the Daily Mail keeps telling us, loudly, that the population is too high, we can spread out into much of the flat areas of northern France. This means more land for farmers to squabble over, and more land for people in sandals to campaign for wind farms on.

Furthermore, French food and beverages are significantly better than the abominations they serve us over here. Teenagers who drink cheaply will be educated better in the magnificent world of wine and the UK’s obese will see the light of fine cuisine (see the film Ratatouille for details).

People who have visited France will be aware that all French villages are nice, and very few of them have chavs who have knives and hoodies and swear at people. French youths respect their elders, and they can use their influence on the yobs that write rude words like “poo” and “willy” on bus stops.

Economically, we can benefit from the French car industry, not to mention the CAP. Indeed, the French auto industry is a good measure of how patriotic the French are. Whilst I do not advocate spending thousands of pounds on a Lotus or Noble, we can learn that, despite what The Guardian will have you believe, it is actually ok to have pride in our country.

However to completely sure up this conquest, us Brits must educate the French on certain things. Firstly, whilst their roads are as soothing as Gaviscon, French drivers need to learn the art of Christian motoring, in which Britain is the world leader.

Additionally, the French need to learn how to queue. At busy service stations I cannot count the amount of women who think they have a male member and cut into the men’s toilets. We must also teach them how to not strike when their employer cuts the amount of staples you can use. Keep calm and carry on. Right.

So, whilst the world’s eyes are fixed on the Korean peninsula and a woman with big hair, I urge Mr Cameron to sneak across the channel and raise the Union Jack upon the Eiffel Tower. It will be a great site.

One comment

  1. The Parisian banlieues make ‘This is England’ look like ‘Pride and Prejudice’.
    Also France is well anti-Semitic, innit.
    On the other hand crêpes are bloody marvellous.

    I’ll get my rifle. Allons enfants de la Patrie and all that.

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