Q. I want to dress up for my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day to spice things up a bit. Could you recommend a costume?
A. Dress up as a janitor. I’ve heard that’s very in vogue on the kinky fancy dress scene recently, especially with a toilet brush as a prop instead of a whip. I expect your boyfriend likes banal toilet humour anyway so it should go down well. Maybe blindfold him with toilet paper, and incorporate flushing noises into your strip routine. Then fashion nipple tassels out of your mop head, and use your broom in a Gangnam style dance. Put a ‘Caution: Cleaning’ outside the bedroom door and he’ll be on Cloud Nine.
Q. How can I tell the girl opposite me in the library that plucking out your hair then eating it at your desk is really distracting?
A. Buy her a burger. Evidently, she’s hungry. Failing that, buy her a hat so she can’t even reach her hair. You are not alone in your distraction, there is an endemic of revolting behaviour at the moment, but it is being seen to. The JB Morrell is soon to be offering master classes in personal hygiene and public decorum so let’s hope she goes to that. In fact, the University is also launching a new York Award in GBALD (Good Behaviour at Library Desk). The ‘bald’ was no pun intended.
Q. I need to dump my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day because I’m in love with another girl who I’d rather spend the day with. How can I do it?
A. Do it in Waitrose. Say you need to go to pick up some provisions. Then have it out in the dairy aisle. It’s always best to have a big confrontation in a public place, on neutral ground, so that things don’t get too heated. It’s a spacious supermarket so you should be able to escape fairly easily and what’s more the staff are extremely attentive and always very keen to help if you need it, which you probably will. If I could recommend offering her the consolation that quinoa is on special offer at the moment: aisle 4.