Jump on the boat of our monarchy’s latest PR spin: turning them into b-list celebrities

Trundling slowly but surely to a spot on the Thames near you, the Queen will this week be making her long-drawn-out river parade to mark the Jubilee, and people couldn’t have shown less interested if Lorraine announced her return to the Lorraine show (she left?).
Spotify’s arduous reminders that it’s the year of the Olympics, Euros, and the Jubilee provoke in me, and I’m sure most other sane people, an irrational urge to demolish my laptop speakers with a meat hammer.

This year has seemed somewhat contrived in comparison with the explosive (I did, yes) year that was 2011, and even still no one gives a toss about the royal family. In the one moment when our attention isn’t grabbed here there and everywhere – so much so that we’re entertaining Nick Clegg talking about the House of Lords on prime-time news – we still find every excuse not to give old Queenie her time to shine. Like an essay that’s been there forever and isn’t going away any time soon, she’s been neglected for even the most superfluous of news. Britney’s having a comeback doncha know? Well, not really. But she’s on TV. So let’s roll with it. Tony Blair’s coming back to politics, and seemingly using it as a chance to bring back euro-trash style too (tan out a can, white jeans…the lot). Do we care? Well…no. But hey, nothing else that outlandish or important is rolling about any time soon. I have a heart of stone so the whole ‘dog winning Britain’s got Talent’ phenomenon passed me by like Activia through Martine McCutcheon, but from what I can gather, most people are far more excited discussing a canine rolling over his trainer’s crotch than “the Jubi-what?”.

Even my grandma, who (I believe) loves the Queen more than she loves me, decided to dedicate her time to sending 30 camouflage hats from Aldi to my sister’s soldier boyfriend in Afghanistan. Perhaps she knows in her heart of hearts, like we all do as we continue to neglect that essay in favour of ‘James Franco with Cats’ tumblrs, that this absurd form of procrastination is pointless and ridiculous.
No big advocate of the monarchy, I don’t see this as a travesty per se. Indeed, for me 2012 is the year Mancini took a picture of me on his phone, and nothing else. (Wallpaper? Not sure. Wankbank? Here’s hoping).

That said, it’s surely quite baffling that this historical landmark which may very well not happen again for yonks is even taking second place to a running and jumping event that happens twice every decade. Liz is clinging on with no sign of letting go, and you only have to look at Charles’ and Wills’ ever-more-visible scalps for the sorry prospect of a zimmerframe-bound monarchy to hit you in all its weary horror.

The remedy for this apathy, as ever, is some zany PR’s idea to get the family members out and about doing ‘cool things’. In fact, though, these things, rather than pumping up our enthusiasm for the Jubilee, just makes us want for deliverance of these random, ridiculous activities. Busting a gut as ever, Harry is coming up trumps once more. You have to commend the royal ginge for trying: it almosts seems as if he has a Cool List constructed by some elusive Cool Person (or, ‘hipster’ – not sure of the PC term they go by), ghost-directing his every move, including his latest venture into Djing.

Though poor Charlie was sent off with his bird to do the weather (the poor man’s TV presenting as it is) it was a youtube sensation – perhaps he’s the person to recover its rather pitiful reputation as an occupation. In fact, though, seeing the glint in Charles’ eye as he guffawed at the director and fumbled with the cue-stick-thingy was a rarity, and something we certainly wouldn’t see in him sitting on a Jubilee boat procession. Perhaps the whole lot of them would rather just sack it all off in favour of B-list pop culture activities. If it churns out anything like Harry’s speech in the Caribbean (closing with: “every liddle ting guna be alright”), I’m all for it.

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