The perfect acceptance speech

Crying, modesty and laughter?

1. Spend 30 seconds hyper-ventilating and repeating “Oh my god” over and over (Note Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet) – this shows how grateful you are and gives time to try and remember the spiel you’ve prepared.

2. Remember that you need to seem modest. Pretend that it wasn’t your talent that won you this award but the crew’s input, the fans watching in cinemas or your other halves’ love and devotion.

3. By the second minute make sure you’ve shed a tear. Regardless of gender, we like to see you overcome with emotion. It’s not heart-warming, it’s funny. We have taken the time to watch you talk for what seems a life-time, so give us a reason to laugh.

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