The Mixer

“Usually I don’t take a bad penalty” - Famous last words. Photo: Pips Ladton

“Usually I don’t take a bad penalty” - Famous last words. Photo: Pips Ladton

Keep quiet or pay the Penalty

The Mixer would like to make a heartfelt and profound apology on behalf of some of the other “talent” that scribbles stuff on these hallowed pages.

It has come to our attention that, whilst TM works tirelessly to bring you half a page of ill-conceived witticisms every three weeks, some other members of The Nouse Sport Family have been taking to the airwaves and hoisting themselves to a great height by their own petard.

We always knew podcasts were a bad addition to the welter of content provided. TM is an old fashioned paper man, used to the feel of ink under fingernails and the sounds of battered type writers.

A recent podcast just proves that all new media is evil. Sitting around a laptop in someone’s bedroom talking about college football was only ever going to end badly.

With this incident in mind TM has decided to implement a new code of conduct that all members of the Sport team will now have to adher to. Here it is:

1. Think before you speak – There is nothing worse than saying something silly that is then recorded for posterity on the internet. Thinking before you speak will mean that you can remain safe in the knowledge that you haven’t made any big claims or cocksure promises that then have to be fulfilled in front of a lot of people on a hot astro turf.

2. Remain calm at all times – Rising to the jibes of co-presenters will invariably mean that you will say something without thinking (see point one for advice). In this scenario, in a bid to assert your point of view you may make a claim that you later have to back up in tense circumstances. An example dialogue follows: “ I want to see you step up and sky that penalty”. “I wouldn’t really mind taking a penalty. I often score them. Your hopes are entirely unfounded.”

3. Never cast aspersions on demonstrably better footballers than yourself – Doing this will only cause anger, bitterness and incredulity. Ruminating on how good a postgraduate must have been “back in their day” infers, regardless of intention, that you think they aren’t very good now. No amount of backtracking or earnest explanation will be able to save you.

4. Your co presenters will always tuck you up – Be assured of the fact that if it is humorous to do so your words will be twisted so that they don’t really resemble their original meaning. Learn from these examples and do not provide any thing that can be used against you.

So there is the new set of standards. We promise to uphold them in the future and we can promise that there will be no embarrassing outbursts any more. There will be a strict penalty imposed on any writer that does not conform to the guidelines. They’ll be dispatched from the team quicker than a Dom Green spot kick hits the back of the net. Even David Ambrozejczyk won’t be able to save them.


Tweets of the week

@tomragz
@nousesport also cannot say how much of a fan of the ‘bollockhead’ shout in the podcast. Good work.

@yawkody22
Scoring 2 in 2 is the best thing that’s happened since coming to Uni this year.

@georgebouras
Kallum Taylor’s screams of “DAKKERS GET WARM” ring around the JLD… #collegecup

@uyrufc
Cocoa in hand, all tucked up; nothig beats a nice night in*
*Completely fictional

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