Huzzah. Rah rah. We’re a mere week from the Royal Wedding. Wills and Kate are finally going to have that long-anticipated consecrated bonk and the nation couldn’t be happier. The forming of this scared bond between the balding future monarch and common wench Kate of Reading has caused widespread nationalistic hysteria on a scale unwitnessed since Princess Diana’s death unleashed a river of tears comparable to the Thames in size. Local busybodies from John O’Groats to Land’s End will be rolling out the bunting, sipping from the fine china and tipping the velvet, etc.
Many will be more excited for the union of two bucktoothed, over-privileged toffs than they would be for their own kin. But such is feudal existence. Not that I’m bitter or anything; I’ll be stepping out onto the village green and getting afternoon-drunk with the rest of you. Here’s a playlist of wedding songs to spin while you dance around the maypole in rabid fervour for the marital ceremony of the decade. Dance alluringly enough to these nuptial tunes and you may be able to secure a bride or bridegroom all of your own. God save the Queen! Praise England! And did those feet, in ancient land…
It Should Have Been Me
While cleaning my shotguns, molesting my Labrador and flicking through my newspaper of choice, The Daily Mail, which is nowadays mainly scribed by Nouse writers including legendary alumnus Adam Shergold and our delicious editor Hannah Ellis-Petersen, I was alerted to the high number of dangers attributed to the Royal Wedding. Oddly, in a curveball for the Mail, you won’t get cancer from watching it, but crazies from across England will be descending on the event. These crazies can be sub-categorized into several groups, religious extremists and lefty anarchists among them.
But other than these freedom fighters, middle-England grandmothers and Sloane-square dwelling girls who look like horses will surely be the most dangerous. Many grandmothers’ obsessions with Royal activities could class them as stalkers if they were focused on normal people. But more heartbreakingly, the yells of young posh women whose entire breeding was manipulated in order to secure Royal blood into their family trees will be echoing ‘It should have been me’ around Westminster Abbey. This song will be all too close to the bone for those rejects. As for all the other crazies, try to subdue them with Radiohead’s most terminally boring song, ‘A Punch-up at a Wedding’.
Let’s not forget the real reason that we haven’t ousted the Windsors from their tyrannical rule and hung their corpses from gas stations while chanting ‘Revol!’ They may be a clan of adulterous Hanoverians who dress up as Nazis, and are so cut off from the modern world that they talk to plants, but boy do the tourists love them. Wills and Kate are to British people what KISS are to Americans – we can’t get enough of anything branded with the couple’s smiling faces. Among the china, teabags and pillowcases there are more disturbing items available for purchase; including an eerie Kate Middleton doll as well as regal prophylactics in the form of ‘Crown Jewels – Condoms of Distinction’.
The Other Guys
Specifically written and performed in tribute to our radiant future rulers, The Other Guys have scored an internet hit with their a cappella version of Lady Gaga’s ‘Bad Romance’, its lyrics switched for comedic witticisms concerning the much-touted union. Sung by a talented bunch of students from St Andrews, (where Wills first fell so wildly in love with Kate that his hair started falling out) they sing from the perspective of all those who missed out on bedding the future princess. The hilarious video featuring lookalikes and water stunts has garnered them hundreds of thousands of views, but surely many of these must be down to the preternatural beauty and hefty charms of lead vocalist Ollie Boesen. This write-up was in no way influenced by the fact that said lead vocalist is an old school friend of mine who I used to play dinosaurs with when I was 6.
Bruce Dickinson – champion fencer, commercial airline pilot and eagle-voiced frontman of Iron Maiden – was influenced by William Blake (who wrote the words to unofficial National Anthem ‘Jerusalem’) in penning ‘Chemical Wedding’. Although he was really celebrating Rosicrucian manifesto ‘the Chymical Wedding of Christian Rosenkreutz’ rather than any actual marriage, this tune is appropriate enough with its particularly English heavy metal bombast, and made more pertinent due to the probability of Prince Harry blazing it up before and after the ceremony. The stag do probably saw the bros downing the finest chemicals in the Empire while getting jiggy at their mate’s country pile.
Before it was attributed to the insufferable trout-faced perma-urinating ‘singer’ in the juggernaut of shit that is The Black Eyed Peas, the word Fergie was the nickname of the rogue Duchess of York. Divorced from Prince Andrew after having her toes sucked publicly by another man, Sarah Ferguson has blithely paraded from disgrace to disgrace ever since. Last year the duchess racked up £5million debts and tried to sell access to her ex-husband during a newspaper sting; thus it was unsurprising that she wasn’t invited to the wedding. But it’s a shame that the most interesting member of the gang will be exiled to some tropical island prison on the big day – so shout out ‘Fergalicious so delicious’ loud enough for the Queen to hear as she passes in tribute to the ginger nut.
Chapel of Love
The Dixie Cups
Oh, alright. We’ll have one serious suggestion. The greatest wedding song of all time, ‘Chapel of Love’ is a shimmering 24 carat 60’s pop nugget. Co-written by girl group pop genius/psychopath Phil Spector, it was originally made famous by The Dixie Cups in 1964. It’s been covered hundreds of artists, notably The Beach Boys in the 70s as well as Elton John, who re-jigged it for the soundtrack to Four Weddings and a Funeral, the ultimate British matrimonial comedy film. With its soaring harmonies and saccharine lyrics, it’s the perfect song to take someone up the aisle to.