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Articulating my feelings for campus events: Fusion

There’s something ridiculous about those people who don’t like Fusion – it’s really the only thing campus has going for it, ya? Where else can hundreds of students get a chance to see some amazing design work, some incredible dancing and the most beaaautiful models?

I know this seems unprovoked, but I just can’t let criticism go free; as I stood outside in the cool winter air following our completed production in the Drama Barn, smoking with Arthur of course, I couldn’t quite believe I was overhearing somebody saying that not only was Fusion rubbish, but that it was just for a wealthy and vain few! Unbelievable, I know – sometimes, genius does go unappreciated.

For a start, I really don’t know what they’re basing that on. Our reviews were amazing last year, and not only that, but we yet again raised tons for charity. It just so happened that the best way to raise money was to get on with stuff like that amaaazing Peter Pan scene. I mean, RAG do try awfully hard, but who can resist the allure of both fashion AND dancing? It’s simply not possible, there’s literally nobody who doesn’t like something Fusion has to offer.

Just wait til they see our Goldfish number this year. Watching those buff boys breakdance with fishbowls strapped to each limb is going to be spectacular – the money that has gone into getting that right would stress even Daddy’s wallet! Between that, and some of the outfits we’ve managed to acquire, I can’t see how we’re going to get any less than perfect reviews everywhere.

And don’t get me started on the idea that it’s just for the “wealthy and vain” on campus. What does that even mean? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a real shame we have to hide the ugly choir girls away a bit compared to the dancers, but let’s face it, nobody goes to an art gallery to see the janitor’s bucket, do they?

My theatrical skills have received investment, yes, but my parents only subsidised like two thirds of my stay in Edinburgh last summer – and again, I stress that it’s all just an investment.
What I got from those street shows, and that month performing experimental theatre, will stay with me a lifetime. I’d like to see you propose a better way to spend a grand?

Ugh. The only thing that remains is to make like Tracy Emin and just y’know, like, perform anyway? I can’t allow the incessant negative energy to drag a free spirit like myself down.


Election fever has recently been taking hold of my life

They’re so close that I can nearly taste them! I absolutely love the feeling of just receiving a vote and getting my face out in the open. There’s nothing like election season, and although I’ve never really won one, it’s just getting involved that counts, right?

Which is why, this year, I’m going to run a side-splittingly funny satirical campaign. All those bloody buggers joking about me being a Tory Boy for years are going to have to take a ribbing too! Can’t wait till all the people who said it last year get a look at my mock socialist posters. It’s going to be a laugh riot, and who knows? Maybe I’ll do a Tom Scott and end up winning anyway? Would never say never to be a Sabb but still, I’m honestly in it for the jokes!

My reason for doing this is, in all honesty, because I’ve been dealing with the stupid Tory Boy hate for most of my life. Ever since I was 13 and campaigned for student council in my suit and blue tie they’ve been slinging it at me – as if it’s a bad thing to attend five Conservative Party conferences in a row or hold a signed copy of Nigel Lawson’s memoirs. They’ve been getting their ignorant digs in at me for so long that I realise it’s about time I struck back. With this excellent satirical campaign, all that abuse will be right back onto them!

Half of me doesn’t know whether I’m doing the right thing though. The abuse I, and my excellent campaign team got last year for our tactics was appalling. We were treated horrendously by the envy of others. I’ve been milling the idea of going for one last serious run by my work colleagues, in between thrilling discussions on recent party policy, and even that awful socialist Sue from checkouts said I should go for it. Everyone else seemed quite impressed, and it’s fair enough; they seemed wowed when I told them I’d met Maggie Thatcher herself, but even more so when I said I might stand a chance of winning a Sabb spot on my Students’ Union. Apart from Ted from deliveries, who asked what a SU actually was. I told him it was a Marxist thing that he’d never understand.

Who knows, perhaps there’s life in me yet? Perhaps I’ll put together a campaign team and really go for it anyway. Either way, it’ll be amazing to finally get the last laugh. I mean, nobody loses four elections in a row, right?


The joys of satire

So bloody stressed! As the days count to election season, I’m sure I can trust those of you in my private group. We need to maintain perfect vigilance on the pulse of campus – while my name has soared to massive new heights, despite no longer being a College Chair, it’s not necessarily going to win everybody, is it? Frustratingly, axing of the D&S has focused the field down.

They’re all going to trumpet their qualifications, of course, but I bet none of them have anything like my endless list of glowing endorsements. How many can claim they met Aaron Porter before he was famous? Not many, that’s for sure – when your Joe Bloggs types hear about this, they’re going to see I’m naturally the right choice for President, or Student Activities, or whatever I end up running for.

What I’m running for, I stress, is still undecided. I’m negotiating with other candidates, because we don’t want to deprive campus of its best possible representatives. Rarely do I recognise that silly term, BNOC, but if I destroyed the hopes of “one of us”, I’d just be appalled.

And I won’t be doing a Lewis Bretts. I have checked my policies are achievable, and nobody has explicitly told me we can’t have a Welfare Boat on the lake. I mean, Jane Grenville just kind of looked at me for a while when I told her, but I can only take that to be the kind of stunned awe you’d get for something she wishes she thought of first?

Campaign on kids, let’s get me the Sabb position that I’ve long deserved.

52 comments

  1. whoever wrote tht clearly knows nothing about fusion or any of the people involved this year… yes this is ‘satire’ (if you want to call it that) but its not entertaining or informative,failing to be funny in any way because it actually just shows whoever wrote this to be ignorant and rude- their generalisations are all bullshit…. theyd be funny if there was any element of truth to them but theyre just crap… why people are still, despite all of the new committee’s efforts, trying to perpetuate this outdated and completely incorrect image of fusion as a richkids social club is beyond me. it is just a direct insult to the efforts of all involved with fusion this year. pat on the back for your shit piece of boring and unintelligent writing, dickhead.

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  2. Firstly….UM HOW ABOUT U SHOVE YOUR HEAD IN ONE OF THOSE FISHBOWLS AND SHUT THE HELL UP?
    Secondly…I’ll have you know that Fusion is not funded my “Daddys wallet” and most of us are working 2-3 jobs to afford basic living never mind Fusion expenses. You should definitely take back what you said about that Peter Pan scene because that was someone’s own creative thought that went into the making of that scene- considering you came up with a shoddy article like this you obviously don’t have any.
    As for “the money that has gone into getting that right would stress even Daddy’s wallet! Between that, and some of the outfits we’ve managed to acquire” what the hell do you know about acquiring outfits for a student fashion show? We don’t buy shops into saying YES you absolute twat, it comes with hard work, writing detailed letters , total perseverance and a lot of dedication and organisation.
    Thirdly…
    Do one.

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  3. 10 Feb ’11 at 5:57 pm

    I was laughing...

    Epic sense of humour failure there ‘fusion cast’. Talk about taking yourselves too seriously…

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  4. btw FM is me:
    Hanah Mamoojee Fashion and Beauty Coordintor of Fusion. At least i have the balls to sign my name….

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  5. 10 Feb ’11 at 6:05 pm

    @"i was laughing"

    based on your article your whole life is humour failure.

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  6. 10 Feb ’11 at 6:07 pm

    Hanah Mamoojee

    btw FM is me-
    F&B Co-ordinator for Fusion.
    at least i have the balls to sign my name.

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  7. 10 Feb ’11 at 6:09 pm

    Hanah Mamoojee

    @”i was laughing”

    based on this article your WHOLE LIFE IS A HUMOUR FAILURE

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  8. 10 Feb ’11 at 6:29 pm

    Chris Etheridge

    Great piece, but I did win one YUSU election with Jason Rose in 2009.

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  9. …no one cares what you three whoppers have to say. BNOC-BWOT? These articles are cringeworthy. To the first whopper who diverts attention from Fusion’s foremost creative and charitable objectives, cheers for your input. You’re so amaaazing. No thanks. Absolute cringe.

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  10. Oh Em Jeeesus! Fusion’s Ark! We should totes do that next year, ya! I mean, it’s perfect! Central Hall is practically Arklike and we’re obviously the divinely chosen prophets, come to save all the lower, less important people of campus with our talents and genius… I must meditate on this further and see whether there’s still a way to get the goldfish idea into my dance… It is water-related after all daaaarling…

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  11. I was directed to this site because I had heard there was some drama going on about Fusion. Then I read the article… but it doesn’t come across as sarcastic or satirical at all. It doesn’t even come across as mean. It just sounds like a young person who doesn’t know much about the real world yet trying to voice an opinion – but making a bigger fool of themselves than anything else.

    “Where else can hundreds of students get a chance to see some amazing design work, some incredible dancing and the most beaaautiful models?” – That statement is true. I’ve never been to a Fusion show, but I am involved in the costume design for this year, and the amount of work that people are putting in is remarkable. The design work and choreography is actually amazing.

    So my point is, if this article really was intended to be satire, the author should take some cues from those hard working Fusion volunteers and spend some more time crafting his/her art form and get back to Writing 101. Just sayin’.

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  12. 10 Feb ’11 at 7:52 pm

    having a giraffe

    ‘most of us are working 2-3 jobs to afford basic living’

    yeh, thats well believable…..

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  13. “some of the outfits we’ve managed to acquire”

    To anyone critiquing the author, I’d beg that they recall Fusion’s Moss Bros fashions of years past.

    I wonder whether the current Nouse team received the same email wooing from the Fusion committee that we did – like invites to “come and check out the audition process” (i.e. “look we’ve hired a fattie!”).

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  14. 11 Feb ’11 at 12:03 am

    ...this is ridiculous...

    I absolutely hate it when people slate fusion…what is your problem?! How many societies on campus allow students with differing interests can come together and produce such an epic show for SUCH a good cause. Everyone says people involved in fusion are all the same, up-themselves toffs…have you ever spoken to anyone in fusion?!?! I’ve been in it for the last 2 years and i sure as hell don’t get mummy and daddy to pay for everything.
    As a choreographer this year, i am really offended that this piece of shit is basically rubbishes all my (and the rest of the cast’s hard work).

    To be frank, i don’t actually understand the point of this article…what are you trying to achieve?! If you are trying to be funny…fail. If you are trying to be witty…EPIC fail. Your talents clearly lie elsewhere…

    Also, who the fuck actually refers to themselves as a BNOC…who’s the twat now!

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  15. 11 Feb ’11 at 12:41 am

    Hold the phone.

    I have absolutely nothing to do with Fusion, first of all. I know a few people involved and I know that they work tirelessly to provide a fun, entertaining night for everyone. As someone heavily involved in the performance societies I take huge umbrage against anyone who dares trivialise the hard work and creativity specific individuals put into creating something. This is university, where else will these people have an outlet as readily available in ‘the real world’. The truth is, whether it be an ODN in the Drama Barn or Fusion, the students involved in every production on campus pour their heart and soul into every facet of creation. No one does half a job and it is cruel and insulting to suggest that this is merely a vanity parade for those involved. It clearly took all of 20 minutes to write this ‘satire’. THose 20 minutes, although fleeting, would have been best put to use by going and talking to people involved in Fusion to try and gain some understanding of the sheer amount of hard work involved. You should be ashamed of yourself. This is a disgusting article.

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  16. You sir are a tit and a fool, good day to you.

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  17. 11 Feb ’11 at 1:12 am

    Catherine Bennett

    Ok, so I’m involved with Fusion this year, even though I didn’t see it last year, and I was absolutely terrified that it was going to be full of Jack Wills-wearing, self-important, and terrifyingly beautiful and tall girls. It’s not. Not at all. Every single person that I’ve met is so friendly; the rehearsals are relaxed and fun; and the choreographers, dancers, fashion and beauty co-ordinators and all of the other tens of people working behind the scenes are working their utmost to make this an enjoyable show. What people don’t seem to realise is that this is a show like any other on campus: they’re trying to attract audience in. No one puts on a show for the hell of it, or for the self-satisfaction of being on stage. It’s all for the audience. That’s the point of performance societies…? So why is everyone obsessed with whether the models are Daddy’s little Princesses? Surely the main thing is the overall show, and the hard work that everyone has put into it, and whether it can provide an entertaining evening for its audience, and whether it can raise money for charity.

    The thing with Fusion is that it changes every year, and this year has a completely new committee and a completely new vision. For a society that does one show a year, where each show is completely original work, it’s impossible to stereotype it. Maybe past Fusion shows HAVE been populated with vain, fake-tanned models who are funded by Daddy. But that has no bearing, at all, on this year’s Fusion. It seems nonsensical for there to be this campus-myth about Fusion when each year’s show is vastly different.

    What’s more, I thought satire was meant to be funny? This isn’t particularly funny, but it’s not biting or harsh either, it’s just a bit half-hearted. Spinning out the same unsupported stereotypes doesn’t strike me as an interesting article. Maybe a bit more of a discerning eye when it comes to choosing and editing articles, Nouse?

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  18. 11 Feb ’11 at 1:14 am

    Catherine Bennett

    Haha, also: “Where else can hundreds of students get a chance to see some amazing design work, some incredible dancing and the most beaaautiful models?”
    If it weren’t for the excessive/hilariously satirical amount of ‘a’s in ‘beautiful’, this would actually hit the nail right on the head in terms of Fusion’s publicity.

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  19. I was quite a fan of Fusion before I read the comments from the members above. Now I’m wondering whether it is in fact the exercise in self-indulgence that everybody claims.

    This is a funny article and you guys need to calm down.

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  20. 11 Feb ’11 at 1:53 am

    ...this is ridiculous...

    Can you explain the hilarity because i fail to see how it is funny….

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  21. 11 Feb ’11 at 1:54 am

    Hanah Mamoojee

    having my giraffe can suck MY giraffe. I DO HAVE THREE JOBS.
    tool.

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  22. “Whoever said money doesn’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping” – Ring a bell Hanah?

    You might be able to leave one of your many jobs if you stop shopping so much. Unless that’s “basic living”…

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  23. 11 Feb ’11 at 11:10 am

    Michael Tansini

    Honestly, make fun of fusion all you want and student politics – they’re ripe for a ribbing. However, at least do it well. It’s a pretty poor attempt at satire that fails at humour and falls back on lazy stereotypes – I mean I honestly have never heard ‘daddy’s wallet’ before – my God you’re so original!

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  24. 11 Feb ’11 at 11:19 am

    Pint of Guinness, Please Sir

    Pipe down chaps, these articles are clearly taking the piss

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  25. 11 Feb ’11 at 11:29 am

    Emily Saunders

    I have been here 3 years and it seems there has always been a feeling on campus that it’s cool to slate fusion. I can’t work out why, because it raises a huge amount for charity every year, and surely this is the most important thing. People commenting here that are involved in the show are quite rightly getting annoyed, because slurs like these have the potential to take away from the donation made by fusion after the show. Why can’t people recognise the good that the show is doing and chill out about it? Jokes about the beautiful people and daddy’s wallet have been done so many times before – move on!

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  26. Bored now…..the same critical, sarcastic take on Fusion has been happening for the past four years.

    At the end of the day, if you don’t like Fusion, what it represents or who is involved, just don’t go and see it.

    It seems vicious and unfair to slag off the event when you (obviously) have no intention of going to see it in the first place.

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  27. 11 Feb ’11 at 11:39 am

    having a giraffe

    @ Hanah Mamoojee

    thats not ‘most of you’…

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  28. Hanah Mamoojee;

    If you’re the “Fashion and Beauty Coordintor of Fusion”, how does it work if I lack ‘beauty’?

    Or do I have to have beauty in order to be in Fusion?

    And who judges me to have that ‘beauty’?

    Is that you as the Beauty Coordinator?

    Or is it instead your job to make me beautiful if I’m not?

    Just wondering…

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  29. Hilare. Reading the comments you’d think someone had split an atom in broad daylight, but the piece isn’t even that offensive. It’s well-written and quite funny, however. Calm down lads.

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  30. 11 Feb ’11 at 5:36 pm

    sir david wigglington

    lol fusion sounds litterally terrible

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  31. I think it might be good for fusion to write an article to help people understand how the show itself works, how its funded and try to dispel some of the silly rumours that perpetuate about it. I find this article equally insulting to the drama barn and to a wide range of interests on campus as well as individuals.
    I wonder if defamatory articles with no truth about organisations or individuals are illegal?

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  32. @Super Mario

    Even as a bloke I know that ‘beauty’ means hair and make-up, not the physical attractiveness of the individual members of the cast.

    Grow up.

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  33. If you’re going to be critical of “Rah’s” why start with Fusion?

    They don’t act like pr!cks in Ziggy’s every week (every week they’re not banned).

    At least they raise money for charity.

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  34. fusion would write such an article, if they had the time. they’re too busy organising a show with a 150-strong cast (plus societies) hundreds of different outfits and hairstyles, choreographing a variety of exciting routines, supporting charities and working closely with budget to maximise charitable donation, celebrating student designers and performers and generally hosting a platform for creativity, teamwork and fun amongst students who are up for having a laugh, raising money for charity and having the unique experience of performing on stage with little/ no prior experience!

    if someone fancied looking into the amount of dedication, organisation and motivation it takes to create such a show, and how fun the whole process is then it would not only make a truly fantastic article but would simultaneously quash all of these stupid rumours. instead, people just like to imagine what it might be like and criticise something which takes a lot of work. individuals participating in fusion sacrifice their weekends to commit to their rehearsals and are hardly the self-indulgent brats which people make them out to be. like any other performance society on campus, fusion consists of committed, outgoing people who are willing to try something new AND raise money for charity.

    anyone who slates fusion has clearly never been in it. because if they had, they wouldn’t criticise it or the people within it- everyone works so hard to create the show. nobody on the watching side can form a wholly informed opinion of the show or the people in it without understanding all the effort that goes into it. such stupid comments only cause offence to those involved, and misinform those who aren’t aware of what fusion does. it’s only destructive and spiteful to criticise something/ people you clearly know nothing about and i’m sure fusion would welcome any writer who wanted to really see what they’re doing, because they’re proud of everything they do and really do deserve a lot more credit than some people are willing to give.

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  35. i literally thought fusion was a society about atomic nuclei joining together.

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  36. 12 Feb ’11 at 10:21 pm

    Unbelievable jeff!

    Anyone heard of a joke?

    Really funny article.

    The responses make it even better.

    Thought highly of fusion, but peeps posting on here plays up to the stereotype.

    Love it!

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  37. Fusion does a commendable job every year of getting lots of student involved in raising a lot of money for charity by preying on the egos of many who believe they are talented, beautiful and want to ‘model’…

    The widespread apathy of everyone else on campus is that those in fusion seem to be holier-than-thou about their participation (- see Hannah) and rather self-congratulatory afterwards.

    However, this is reinforced by the fact that generally Fusion just isn’t very good, quite expense and usually horrifically long.

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  38. *expensive

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  39. 12 Feb ’11 at 11:27 pm

    Drama Barn possy

    Just thought I’d point out the fact Fusion is not an extension of the Drama Society. It is its own valid society and if we’re gonna be accurate – actually more populated by DanceSoc members. Similarly anyone who goes to the Edinburgh Fringe in the summer will understand how much fundraising productions have to do to even hire a performance space – and, even if it is subsidised by darling Daddy, at least his hard earned money is being spent on culture…

    On another matter entirely the first article was really badly written. Don’t attempt to take the piss if you can’t do it with some form of eloquence.

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  40. 13 Feb ’11 at 12:15 am

    @Hanah Mamoojee

    OMG i know ya, we do such an amazing job of putting together really exciting dances and making peeps beutiful! Its just like this time on my gap yah, was super awsome.

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  41. So what if we’re beautiful, get over it

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  42. I would love to have a facial bone structure like some these gals, there are no ugly ducklings thats for sure! Honestly you can tell they’re going to be successful with their lives.

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  43. Fusion is a beautiful-full of culture and creativity. That Peter Pan dance was truly inspiring and I hope to recreate something that good this time round. We’re just using our God given talents to be amazing! We’re doing it for Charity, those kids are gonna be fucking chuffed when we give them the money. Then who are gonna be the cool students on campus? Yeah thats right, the beautiful Fusion Gang. Don’t forget that, if you wanna battle lets have a street dance to sort it out!

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  44. A university without Fusion is like a peacock without feathers: Ugly and evil.

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  45. 13 Feb ’11 at 11:54 am

    Sheldon Orenblaat

    I think the article should take back what it said. No articles should act that meanly and things of this nature to people just trying to be beautiful and things of this nature. There’s freedom of the press but then there’s too far freedom of the press and things of this nature. Fusion is no illusion.

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  46. 13 Feb ’11 at 11:59 am

    aka The Prince of Pain

    This is years fusion is going to be the best thing since my boy Tommy Fusion invented it.

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  47. i don’t know/care about fusion, but how was an article like this allowed to be published? with what i assume are student’s photos alongside it?! this isn’t even funny, it sounds bitter, was the author rejected from fusion or something?

    also to the copious members of fusion commenting- how does it work? i have never met a fusion member or heard anything about them sans their charity performances so i can’t see where this criticism is coming from…to be honest under the anonymity of nouse’s comments if it was genuinely that terrible and elitist some bitter comments would be coming out?

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  48. The response to this article is more intense and amusing than the article itself. I know sod all about Fusion, but I know that this was simply an attempt at satire: it probably didn’t warrant this sort of backlash. Still, if someone was having a go at a society I was involved with, I’d probably feel inclined to defend it to the hilt too.

    It doesn’t help that the article itself was poor. Bitterness should not masquerade as satire. It was, frankly, only funny to those who hate Fusion with the same ill-informed bitterness as the writer. There are other publications that do this sort of humour better. Hell, even Vision do…

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  49. 14 Feb ’11 at 1:14 pm

    Fusion Delusion

    Fusion raise a lot of money for charity, but surely there is a way of doing so that does not belittle others and inflate egos?
    I know a lot of people that have been offended by fusionistas – being told that they would be better ‘backstage’ and hiding them in smock dress as they weren’t close enough to a size 6. It is an inherent feature of a fashion show to be concerned about looks, but this does not sit well with being inclusive. Maybe its because they hold auditions.
    I think because of the previous actions of the fusion team, the current committee have an almost impossible task of proving the stereotypes wrong.

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  50. Everyone knows that being a BNOC is worthless. The only accollade that is worth striving for is that of the BCOC.

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  51. Fusion is a great thing, raising a large amount of money for charity alongside the many other events that raise money. Yes other things raise money but the more the better.

    And most of the people taking part have fun, are pleasant people who happen to like dancing or whatever and just enjoy performing, as many other societies (like DramaSoc mentioned above) do. I’ve been here for two years and I’ve known many lovely people who take part in Fusion.

    But then there are a number who are actually self-seeking egotistical jerks, many of whom seem to have appeared in the comments above, if they are actually posting as themselves. People who actually think that there is such a thing as “BNOC” which I only translated just recently. People who actually think they’re beautiful people (“so what if we’re beautiful?” sounds like the most shallow person I have ever heard of). People who post things like “[Jacob Modem:] A university without Fusion is like a peacock without feathers: Ugly and evil.” What is wrong with these people?

    A university without Fusion is like a peacock without one of its feathers. Sure the feather might make it a little better but the missing feather probably brings the ego down a few pegs. And besides which, how does lacking feathers make something evil? Ultimately there was a joke about Fusion being slightly uppity and a lot of comments confirming it. And, in the middle of all this, the charity aspect of it is forgotten.

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  52. Are delicious.

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