Articulating my feelings for campus events: Fusion
There’s something ridiculous about those people who don’t like Fusion – it’s really the only thing campus has going for it, ya? Where else can hundreds of students get a chance to see some amazing design work, some incredible dancing and the most beaaautiful models?
I know this seems unprovoked, but I just can’t let criticism go free; as I stood outside in the cool winter air following our completed production in the Drama Barn, smoking with Arthur of course, I couldn’t quite believe I was overhearing somebody saying that not only was Fusion rubbish, but that it was just for a wealthy and vain few! Unbelievable, I know – sometimes, genius does go unappreciated.
For a start, I really don’t know what they’re basing that on. Our reviews were amazing last year, and not only that, but we yet again raised tons for charity. It just so happened that the best way to raise money was to get on with stuff like that amaaazing Peter Pan scene. I mean, RAG do try awfully hard, but who can resist the allure of both fashion AND dancing? It’s simply not possible, there’s literally nobody who doesn’t like something Fusion has to offer.
Just wait til they see our Goldfish number this year. Watching those buff boys breakdance with fishbowls strapped to each limb is going to be spectacular – the money that has gone into getting that right would stress even Daddy’s wallet! Between that, and some of the outfits we’ve managed to acquire, I can’t see how we’re going to get any less than perfect reviews everywhere.
And don’t get me started on the idea that it’s just for the “wealthy and vain” on campus. What does that even mean? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a real shame we have to hide the ugly choir girls away a bit compared to the dancers, but let’s face it, nobody goes to an art gallery to see the janitor’s bucket, do they?
My theatrical skills have received investment, yes, but my parents only subsidised like two thirds of my stay in Edinburgh last summer – and again, I stress that it’s all just an investment.
What I got from those street shows, and that month performing experimental theatre, will stay with me a lifetime. I’d like to see you propose a better way to spend a grand?
Ugh. The only thing that remains is to make like Tracy Emin and just y’know, like, perform anyway? I can’t allow the incessant negative energy to drag a free spirit like myself down.
Election fever has recently been taking hold of my life
They’re so close that I can nearly taste them! I absolutely love the feeling of just receiving a vote and getting my face out in the open. There’s nothing like election season, and although I’ve never really won one, it’s just getting involved that counts, right?
Which is why, this year, I’m going to run a side-splittingly funny satirical campaign. All those bloody buggers joking about me being a Tory Boy for years are going to have to take a ribbing too! Can’t wait till all the people who said it last year get a look at my mock socialist posters. It’s going to be a laugh riot, and who knows? Maybe I’ll do a Tom Scott and end up winning anyway? Would never say never to be a Sabb but still, I’m honestly in it for the jokes!
My reason for doing this is, in all honesty, because I’ve been dealing with the stupid Tory Boy hate for most of my life. Ever since I was 13 and campaigned for student council in my suit and blue tie they’ve been slinging it at me – as if it’s a bad thing to attend five Conservative Party conferences in a row or hold a signed copy of Nigel Lawson’s memoirs. They’ve been getting their ignorant digs in at me for so long that I realise it’s about time I struck back. With this excellent satirical campaign, all that abuse will be right back onto them!
Half of me doesn’t know whether I’m doing the right thing though. The abuse I, and my excellent campaign team got last year for our tactics was appalling. We were treated horrendously by the envy of others. I’ve been milling the idea of going for one last serious run by my work colleagues, in between thrilling discussions on recent party policy, and even that awful socialist Sue from checkouts said I should go for it. Everyone else seemed quite impressed, and it’s fair enough; they seemed wowed when I told them I’d met Maggie Thatcher herself, but even more so when I said I might stand a chance of winning a Sabb spot on my Students’ Union. Apart from Ted from deliveries, who asked what a SU actually was. I told him it was a Marxist thing that he’d never understand.
Who knows, perhaps there’s life in me yet? Perhaps I’ll put together a campaign team and really go for it anyway. Either way, it’ll be amazing to finally get the last laugh. I mean, nobody loses four elections in a row, right?
The joys of satire
So bloody stressed! As the days count to election season, I’m sure I can trust those of you in my private group. We need to maintain perfect vigilance on the pulse of campus – while my name has soared to massive new heights, despite no longer being a College Chair, it’s not necessarily going to win everybody, is it? Frustratingly, axing of the D&S has focused the field down.
They’re all going to trumpet their qualifications, of course, but I bet none of them have anything like my endless list of glowing endorsements. How many can claim they met Aaron Porter before he was famous? Not many, that’s for sure – when your Joe Bloggs types hear about this, they’re going to see I’m naturally the right choice for President, or Student Activities, or whatever I end up running for.
What I’m running for, I stress, is still undecided. I’m negotiating with other candidates, because we don’t want to deprive campus of its best possible representatives. Rarely do I recognise that silly term, BNOC, but if I destroyed the hopes of “one of us”, I’d just be appalled.
And I won’t be doing a Lewis Bretts. I have checked my policies are achievable, and nobody has explicitly told me we can’t have a Welfare Boat on the lake. I mean, Jane Grenville just kind of looked at me for a while when I told her, but I can only take that to be the kind of stunned awe you’d get for something she wishes she thought of first?
Campaign on kids, let’s get me the Sabb position that I’ve long deserved.