The Mixer

Asfahani puts Wogan to shame in pole dancing tour de force

The Mixer is a big fan of charity. We think that uber-telethons where the world and their D-List wife turn up to promote their latest album, tour or work-out DVDs are works of unalloyed altruism not seen since they days of St Francis of Assisi.

York Sport as a body are not unused to selfless acts. Every week they bust their proverbial humps to make sure that the myriad administrative duties needed to make BUCS fixtures run smoothly are completed. Just ask the Rugby firsts.

That’s why it was no surprise when York Sport President Sam Asfahani stepped up to the plate, or pole, to deliver a lesson in the innate beauty of fluid movement and grace, unmatched since the days of Darcy Bussell or Kevin Bacon in Footloose.

Not content with attempting to revolutionize Heslington’s sporting micro-climate “Sam the Man”, as he shall henceforth be known, has now turned his attentions to saving the world, one sensual, American Football tinged pole dance at a time.

Sport has always played a role in charity of course. Where would the developing world be without Robbie Williams’ hollow, vanity project football matches such as this year’s Soccer Aid?

Those who accuse Robbie, mainly famous for pointing the microphone towards the crowd at his gigs, of using the matches as a chance to knock about on the same turf as some of his footballing idols are simply missing the point.

The point of the projects is to raise awareness. Awareness that Jonathan Wilkes should never, in the name of all that is holy, be allowed on the same patch of turf as footballing demi-god Zinedine Zidane.

TM may mock Williams’ efforts but at least his self-serving nonsense actually raised some dough. If only Premiership footballers could bring themselves to do the same. In 2007 Dr Noreena Herz launched the Mayday for Nurses campaign urging footballers to donate just a day’s wages to health workers working in circumstances that were not reflected by their £19,000 starting salary.

Problems were reported in the collection of the pledges, rather like when a younger sibling comes asking for the sponsored walk money you promised them and you mumble something about not having change before making a hasty exit.

Not only that but certain clubs decided to opt out almost entirely, presumably as conscientious objectors to the hateful dogma of helping nurses. Chelsea made a cursory club donation, rather missing the point of the gimmick that made the fund such an interesting idea, and Arjan de Zeeuw, then of Wigan, was the only Latics player to contribute.

Perhaps they flung the needy public service workers some JJB merchandise instead or gave them some tickets for a home game – Jesus knows the locals don’t want them. The atmosphere at the DW Stadium is akin to a particularly sombre James Blunt gig.

To try and rescue sports reputation in the domain of human kindness TM has selflessly donated this column to the cause of unashamed cyncism and bitterness. You can thank us later.


URGENT NEWSFLASH 1

Had the ball used in the Derwent Wentworth game been a shard of glass, and had it cruelly lacerated an innocent child then a real tragedy may have occured. When will red cards end this chaos?


URGENT NEWSFLASH 2

Sales of cotton wool have trebled amongst college footballers as terrified players seek to minimise the inevitable maiming they will suffer upon entering the cauldron of fear/hate that is the 22 Acres.

2 comments

  1. Well on the Soccer Aid thing, the charities would be well over £4,000,000 less well off plus without signficiant and sold media attention for those periods of time

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  2. Yeah, and Robbie Williams wouldn’t have been able to hang on to his then rapdily diminishing fame either. So there.

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