Now girls, you have displeased your Queen. Who, in the name of all that is pretty and expensive, told boys that we wear false eyelashes? Honestly, girls. We only have so many tricks up our sleeves! If you tell one, you might as well tell them; they trade girl-secrets like they were FIFA cards (whatever that may be). Next thing you know, library eye-sex dates have become a who-can-spot-the-fake date. And no one wants that.

As I am a magnanimous Queen, I shall forgive my little beauty girls.  We girls have to retain a little mystery, for ourselves if nothing else. Never stop  taking time to do those naughty little things you adore but he may find so hideously unattractive. Open up your hearts, girls, but never your make-up bag.

We all know that the secrets to feeling fantastic in clothes are good undergarments. I have taken to wearing my absolute sexiest underwear when I am facing the worst of days. There’s nothing quite like being berated for a poor seminar presentation when you know that, were you to take off your clothes, your scarlet bra, knickers and suspenders would be unveiled. That would certainly shut him up.

Despite this being an utterly delicious thought, especially if he were attractive, you do know it would be somewhat seedy in reality.

Remember, nice girls may be filthy in bed but they never, ever discuss it. And, if he’s knows what’s good for him, neither will he. Some things are just too good for locker room gossip.

Much like good lingerie being the secret to looking fantastic in clothes, good foundation is the secret to good make-up. Thus, I present for your beauty-viewing pleasure, my pick of the best foundations.

YSL Perfect Touch foundation

Flawless skin without the tedious use of a tiny foundation brush or getting your fingers all messy. This foundation has a brush attached which is not bad at all especially as a little goes a long way. Mix it with day moisturizer to give a sheer, beautiful finish. Don’t forget to add spf, the French never do for some reason.

Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer, spf 20

We all know the hype. Is it worth the price? Is it ever? Darlings, life is too short for cheap make-up. This little beauty allowed me to sail through a summer of internships without being asked once if I was hungover. If that’s not a selling factor, I don’t know what is. I use a triangular sponge for application but I don’t suppose it really matters.

Stila Illuminating powder foundation, spf 12

While some may see powder solely as a prop for when they finally experience their Mad Men seduction fantasy, I think it’s making a come-back. I have yet to find anything that provides reasonably full coverage without any mess or additional applicators. The fact you can buy pretty compacts is merely a bonus. Never one not to fully commit to playtime, mine’s from the 1940s for true retro chic.

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