200. The number of people you are likely to consider your bestest friends ever in your first week.
4. The number of people you will meet in Freshers’ Week and still be friends with by third year. And half of them you’ll have slept with. The other half will be kind of annoying.
1. The number of Nouse journalists who stated most people are “off their bonk and giving it the barry” during Freshers’ Week. Apparently, the latter stems from the phrase “give it the Barry McGuigan-biggun.” Right.
6.3 million. The average amount of fungal bacteria festering in your communal bathroom. Those shower shoes your mum insisted you bring aren’t looking too shabby now.
3. The average number of discarded knickers found, per college, by the porters. And those are only the ones they tell us about. The sexy ones go conveniently ‘missing’.
5. The number of daylight hours you will see during Freshers’ Week. Sadly, this is not quite enough to turn you into Edward Cullen. Better luck next time, boys.
24 minutes. The length of time it takes before that friendly girl suggests a game of Never Have I Ever. Apparently everyone just had to know about her clit ring. Snaps for her.
£1.10. The average price per condom. Depending on how lucky you intend to get this week, it may be worth hightailing it over to YUSU for some freebies. If you join Nouse, you could interview a Sabb all in the same visit.
21,000. The amount of excess calories you’re likely to consume in alcohol and cheesy chips. That’s almost a pound in a week. Bet you’re not feeling so proud of being one of ‘Mr Efes’ regulars’ now.
64 days. The average length of time it will take you to realise very little is compulsory here. It’s longer for public school students but then they were always a bit slow. Something to do with being in Alcuin, perhaps?
90%. The percentage of STYCs and Parents who took on the role in order to shark the youth. Some colleges make you promise to look but not touch. You didn’t sign a damned thing though, did you?