New team make great benefit College Cup
This is transmission from great palace esteemed leader Kim Jong-Il with news that divine leader’s national team is to enter world renowned University of York College Cup in the year of our great leader 2011. For uneducated swine, York is small village five thousand miles from Democratic People’s Republic universe.
Following brilliant victory in World Football Series Championship 2010 in capitalist compliant state South Africa, Kim Jong-Il royal XI now step up to prove superiority of great communist doctrine on grand 500,000-seater JLD Astroturf arena theatre of dreams. Team will train on running track and in gym chosen by irrelevant capitalist compliant states Gambia, Senegal and Mali for 2012 Olympic sports pageant in honour of esteemed leader Kim Jong-Il.
Great heroism of team to be relayed on People’s television network although there may be possibility of two or three day delay completely unrelated to capitalist minnow state rumours of interference. Most definitely to do with editing of capitalist state mouthpiece YSTV. People’s totally non-propagandist newspaper – Vision – will relay facts in most accurate manner, though score may be wrong.
Early predictions from Kim Jong-Il grand palace are of glorious victory over capitalist compliant reprobate Alcuin. People’s Republic secret service have completed scouting mission with result that most great hero defender Ri-Jun Il (though not as great as great leader) will have Joe Cooper in his pocket (apparently this is English expression). Resounding glorious victory will vindicate merit of tyrannous whip, chain and summary execution training ground techniques and diet of rice and fish. Unfortunate accident will befall chief Alcuin playmaker (another term of little-spoken language English) Ali Laird.
Then great Kim Jong-11 will crush capitalist minnow Vanbrugh and silence mouth of Dan Hewitt who is in league with insignificant terrorist ship-scuttling neighbour state South Korea. World’s greatest striker Hong Yong Jo to score most glorious hat-trick and revive tremendous spirit of year of our great leader Kim Jong-Il 1966. All hail the Great Leader!!!!
Final to be with isolated devil nuclear state Halifax before great crowd of converted capitalist citizens of York. Great cacophony of noise and colour in name of glorious Kim Jong-11!!! Inevitable Halifax (capitalist) cheating to be overcome by performance of unshakable resolve, spirit and determination in name of our worthy cause!! People of York to be awestruck by beauty of People’s Republic football. Best player of universe Jong Tae Se to earn man of the match accolade by popular consensus after spectacular five goal blitz. All hail great Kim Jong-11!!!
Please do now return to jobs great benefit PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC and please God-like leader.
The Mixer’s Crystal Ball
As another year draws to a close, TM dusts off the crystal ball and summons all kinds of psychic forces to predict the forthcoming year of sport at York:
– Rugby firsts to be reprieved of relegation on administrative technicality as secret midnight operation by perenially tracksuit wearing third team lackeys severs opposition phone lines
– Sam Asfahani surprises teams with blank cheque after negotiating sponsorship deal with shady Arab consortium. York Sport declared bankrupt within the month as squash take liberties on caviar and goose meat
– Roses held three weeks after Lancaster’s term ends in location which might not have been made totally obvious during planning meetings
– Five snap up rights to the College Cup. Pat Nevin sits in truck in sports centre car park but earns £50 fine
– Observant Vision reporter notes College Football occurs every weekend. Still stays in bed
– Tim Ngwena invents iPad app to perfect croquet technique. Wipes floor with everyone
– Strawpedoing becomes ratified York Sport club