When I woke up today (in a combination of pyjamas and school uniform by the way – got to love Club D’s…), I had an epiphany. I am going to turn vegetarian. I felt a bit like Archimedes (the eureka! Bloke), except owing to a fair few Moscow Mules the night before, and a vast quantity of vigorous, unhinged, and frankly hazardous dancing, I’ll admit that my revelation was a tad less violent. “Hmmm, reckon I might turn vegetarian today” I sleepily mused to myself in my snuggly bed. “Hmmm yeah actually I reckon that’s a really quite good idea” I reassured myself. And thus it was born.
“Em, what do you reckon of me being vegetarian?” I proffered to a housemate, in a dressing gown clad bathroom changing of the guard. “Stupid idea” “Why?” “All vegetarians are dull….except Flick’s mum” (I should point out here that Flick is another of my housemates, whose bedroom is but 2 meters to the left of our hallway exchange). “Anna’s vegetarian though?” “Oh yeah” At this point I was really quite keen to form a list of all the vegetarians I know, starting an in depth and passionate debate on how diet affects one’s mental dexterity, complete with pie charts and PowerPoint slideshows, and some form of large pointy stick of the sort had by severe headmasters. Sadly, my housemate quickly shuffled back to her den, and with the threat of provoking someone to “chunder everywah” (this phrase is getting a bit overused, but trust me it’s appropriate here), I decided it was best to let it lie and continue the conversation in my head.
Therefore with no further awake people/lifestyle guru (seriously, aren’t they the most hilarious things ever?! Who would pay for someone to tell you how to live your life?!), I have decided to DO IT.
I am also going to list my carefully thought out ‘pro’s’ and ‘con’s’, so that when I’m crying over a limp, flaccid piece of Facon, or whatever it is that vegetarian’s eat, I will be able to console myself either with the aims of my project, or with my accurate foresight.
1) Tastebuds. While I am to list numerous frivolous and wrisable pro’s below, this is the main aim of my project, in all seriousness. After a year of feasting on the delights of The Deramore, I fear that my dinky tastebuds have developed a sort of furry little meat blanket. Coated with a duvet of steak au poivre, I’m concerned that flavors just aren’t getting to me anymore. It’s often been proclaimed that vegetarians have a keener sense of taste then those of the “miiixed gerill madame?!” mentality, and my nightmarish experience at Goji has only reinforced this. Seriously, never before have I eaten so much food that tasted of air. Either the food there really is crap, or I am a moron and deserve to be beaten about the head with a butternut squash. In which case, I will return to Goji in a month’s time, and write a glowing review and groveling apology. I maintain what I said about the candles though….
2) I am trying to justify the vast amount of avocado’s I have been buying. I am also dreaming of a sort of “vegetarian goddess” diet. I don’t really envisage the next couple of months to be spent scoffing Tofu, and pretend sausages, and a selection of treats that Linda McCartney has kindly regurgitated. Rather, I am thinking more of a “bounty of the earth”, Bible stories type diet, lounging around and nibbling on almonds, honey, berries, unleavened bread, that kind of thing…
3) I am worried about getting a ‘fat back’. Alan Partridge has one. I think I am going the same way. The results of a late night Efes have started to have a worrying habit of reappearing as little areas of chub in the most bizarre of places. Currently my body remains normal, whilst my armpits seem to be swelling at an alarming rate. Over Easter I put on weight, but only IN MY FACE. This is weird and undesirable. Also I am going to the beach this summer, and wince at the prospect of my close resemblance to Pillsbury the Doughboy at present. Call me shallow (actually don’t, I’ve just done it for you…) but there’s a small part of me hoping that living purely off Tangfastics, chips and pancakes (ALL vegetarian things note) will turn me into Cindy Crawford.
1) I actually really like meat. I don’t think a platter of quinoa is ever going to hit the spot quite like a selection of Roger Kirk’s finest dead animal with fried bread. I am worried that I will fail in my quest for vegetarianism embarrassingly early on. I will cave like the mayor in Chocolat, and be found slumped on the floor of The Courtyard, smothered in ketchup and meaty detritus, and sobbing like a baby.
2) I’ll be that person that everyone wants to slap at dinner parties. Thankfully York is not well known for it’s underground elite dining movement, so this is less of a concern then it has been in previous years.
3) I might ending up looking like Gillian Mackeith. Note the particularly horrific picture.
Right, well I have numerous other Pro’s and Con’s but feel that this blog has gone on far too long, and I should just get down to my lettuce sandwich toute de suite. As this is purely an experiment, I would be very grateful for any advice from actual proper bona fide vegetarians (not you fish finger eating one’s though). Like, what do you eat n’ stuff?! Seriously though, anything you say I will do. And blog it. Unless I don’t want to. But probs will….