Salad Fingers and the perils of the ‘fat back’

When I woke up today (in a combination of pyjamas and school uniform by the way – got to love Club D’s…), I had an epiphany. I am going to turn vegetarian. I felt a bit like Archimedes (the eureka! Bloke), except owing to a fair few Moscow Mules the night before, and a vast quantity of vigorous, unhinged, and frankly hazardous dancing, I’ll admit that my revelation was a tad less violent. “Hmmm, reckon I might turn vegetarian today” I sleepily mused to myself in my snuggly bed. “Hmmm yeah actually I reckon that’s a really quite good idea” I reassured myself. And thus it was born.

“Em, what do you reckon of me being vegetarian?” I proffered to a housemate, in a dressing gown clad bathroom changing of the guard. “Stupid idea” “Why?” “All vegetarians are dull….except Flick’s mum” (I should point out here that Flick is another of my housemates, whose bedroom is but 2 meters to the left of our hallway exchange). “Anna’s vegetarian though?” “Oh yeah” At this point I was really quite keen to form a list of all the vegetarians I know, starting an in depth and passionate debate on how diet affects one’s mental dexterity, complete with pie charts and PowerPoint slideshows, and some form of large pointy stick of the sort had by severe headmasters. Sadly, my housemate quickly shuffled back to her den, and with the threat of provoking someone to “chunder everywah” (this phrase is getting a bit overused, but trust me it’s appropriate here), I decided it was best to let it lie and continue the conversation in my head.

Therefore with no further awake people/lifestyle guru (seriously, aren’t they the most hilarious things ever?! Who would pay for someone to tell you how to live your life?!), I have decided to DO IT.
I am also going to list my carefully thought out ‘pro’s’ and ‘con’s’, so that when I’m crying over a limp, flaccid piece of Facon, or whatever it is that vegetarian’s eat, I will be able to console myself either with the aims of my project, or with my accurate foresight.

PRO’s:

1) Tastebuds. While I am to list numerous frivolous and wrisable pro’s below, this is the main aim of my project, in all seriousness. After a year of feasting on the delights of The Deramore, I fear that my dinky tastebuds have developed a sort of furry little meat blanket. Coated with a duvet of steak au poivre, I’m concerned that flavors just aren’t getting to me anymore. It’s often been proclaimed that vegetarians have a keener sense of taste then those of the “miiixed gerill madame?!” mentality, and my nightmarish experience at Goji has only reinforced this. Seriously, never before have I eaten so much food that tasted of air. Either the food there really is crap, or I am a moron and deserve to be beaten about the head with a butternut squash. In which case, I will return to Goji in a month’s time, and write a glowing review and groveling apology. I maintain what I said about the candles though….

2) I am trying to justify the vast amount of avocado’s I have been buying. I am also dreaming of a sort of “vegetarian goddess” diet. I don’t really envisage the next couple of months to be spent scoffing Tofu, and pretend sausages, and a selection of treats that Linda McCartney has kindly regurgitated. Rather, I am thinking more of a “bounty of the earth”, Bible stories type diet, lounging around and nibbling on almonds, honey, berries, unleavened bread, that kind of thing…

3) I am worried about getting a ‘fat back’. Alan Partridge has one. I think I am going the same way. The results of a late night Efes have started to have a worrying habit of reappearing as little areas of chub in the most bizarre of places. Currently my body remains normal, whilst my armpits seem to be swelling at an alarming rate. Over Easter I put on weight, but only IN MY FACE. This is weird and undesirable. Also I am going to the beach this summer, and wince at the prospect of my close resemblance to Pillsbury the Doughboy at present. Call me shallow (actually don’t, I’ve just done it for you…) but there’s a small part of me hoping that living purely off Tangfastics, chips and pancakes (ALL vegetarian things note) will turn me into Cindy Crawford.

CON’s:

1) I actually really like meat. I don’t think a platter of quinoa is ever going to hit the spot quite like a selection of Roger Kirk’s finest dead animal with fried bread. I am worried that I will fail in my quest for vegetarianism embarrassingly early on. I will cave like the mayor in Chocolat, and be found slumped on the floor of The Courtyard, smothered in ketchup and meaty detritus, and sobbing like a baby.

2) I’ll be that person that everyone wants to slap at dinner parties. Thankfully York is not well known for it’s underground elite dining movement, so this is less of a concern then it has been in previous years.

3) I might ending up looking like Gillian Mackeith. Note the particularly horrific picture.

Right, well I have numerous other Pro’s and Con’s but feel that this blog has gone on far too long, and I should just get down to my lettuce sandwich toute de suite. As this is purely an experiment, I would be very grateful for any advice from actual proper bona fide vegetarians (not you fish finger eating one’s though). Like, what do you eat n’ stuff?! Seriously though, anything you say I will do. And blog it. Unless I don’t want to. But probs will….

8 comments

  1. You do realise Salad Fingers is a rather creepy and disturbing internet TV thingy… —-> http://www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm

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  2. Charrlotten my gut friend – this sounds all well and good – personally couldnt ever do it as i am too fussy and dont like vegetables or fruit – yes im a fatty – but i had a little thought whilst reading that i remembered you being anaemic?! if you are this might make you all ill and faint and stuff. however if i have got you confused then please forgive me. my mutti is vegetarian and she manages perfectly well. she kinda lives on soup and salad and chocolate and haribo as she, like me, is fussy and wont eat peppers which you will find 98% of restaurants serve as their vegetarian dish. anyway i thought i would just post on here as i hadnt spoken to you in a long while and would see what you’re upto! and vege turning it is! you will almost defs lose weight i would imagine! not that you need too – skinny bitch! miss you xxxx

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  3. Ahem, Haribo is most definitely NOT vegetarian (unless you’re buying halal, which I seriously doubt)! This is going to be a difficult process Charlotte… I wish you the best of luck.

    As computer nerds would say ‘veggies FTW!’

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  4. Oh dear this is not an epiphany this is a crisis. Sweeties and veg, not a good combo. Aberdeen Angus on its way. Mummy x x x

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  5. OK, I am vegetarian. I have been for nearly 10 years now. I have almost forgotten what meat tastes like – and this is a good thing. I miss it. Yes it is the pesticide and insecticide-laden tortured corpse of an animal which has then been heated and served in a mushroom sauce. But damn it, it tasted good.

    I have been saying for years now that I will one day eat a gammon steak with chips and a pineapple ring *Homer drool* but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every day it gets a little bit easier, but it is hard.

    Suddenly everyone around you seems to be eating meat all of the time. Everything smells like meat. And yes, Quorn tastes of shoes and tofu has the texture, smell and look of tyres. But it is worth it.

    Eventually cheese will replace meat. Everything you eat will be smothered in cheese. Many many types of cheese, as this will be the only food you own which doesn’t taste of beige. Unless you love vegetables and can be flexible and creative in the kitchen everything will eventually taste of beige. I think this is why Goji has done so well – we are grateful for something that has colours but isn’t just veg on a plate. But none of this will matter as you will grow to love beige and its taste.

    But I am afraid to say that Haribo – Tangfastics included – are not veggie friendly. They have geletine in them. As do a lot of gummy sweets and jelly. Some cheese have animal rennet (digestive fluids which cannot be obtained without having killed the animal first) as do quite a few wines. You also might want to keep an eye on your soap.

    Try cutting out geletine and fish first, see how you get on. Then have a good long sit down with a Big Mac and your conscience; see if you’re cut out to joint the Green side . . .

    Good luck!

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  6. “Gelatin is a translucent, colorless, brittle (when dry), nearly tasteless solid substance, derived from the collagen inside animals’ skin and bones.”

    Kids and Grownups love it so!

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  7. Fortunately the rather well known former GSA President Dan Carr lobbied hard last year to ensure that all students can enjoy a range of tasty vegan dishes across campus.

    Unfortunately the RKC’s vegan chocolate cake tastes like soggy brick.

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  8. Being a vegetarian is definitely very achievable, but you will need to work out a way of still getting protein into your diet. Your body is constantly regenerating and repairing itself so you will crave protein if you’re not getting enough, and this could be when you might feel like you need to eat meat.

    Now, I’m assuming you’re only going vegetarian and not completely vegan. A lot of vegetarians still eat fish which is obviously a great source of protein/omega 3 etc etc. Omega 3 is surprisingly useful in any diet programme, provided you excercise regularly it will enhance fat burning in your body, as well as having benefits for your skin. Milk and cheese are a good source of protein, but go easy on the cheese if you want to avoid the back fat (although, it’s probably the best place to put on fat if it happens).

    There are also a large number of meal options for you. Tofu isn’t to everyone’s taste, but I think if cooked correctly it can certainly be part of a delicious meal. I’m not vegetarian (in fact, I even snack on packs of turkey/cured ham between meals) but I still eat tofu once every week or two, on account of it’s high protein/low fat content.

    What I would reccomend is cooking tofu cubes in a stir fry. Get some noodles, some vegetables, maybe some bean sprouts, but most importantly get a nice stir fry sauce. I would suggest one of the wagamama’s range, maybe hoi sin or black bean, and if you don’t like the taste of tofu on its own then with the vegetables and sauce it should mask the taste. I have also found that organic tofu tastes better than regular stuff but it does also depend on your budget as it’s a bit dearer.

    There’s also the linda mccartney and quorn ranges of vegetarian meals. I don’t really know what they’re like but I assume they wouldn’t be too bad. I once had some vegetarian sausages that were pretty good actually. You can also have vegetarian lasagne etc.

    During the day, I would highly reccomend soup (particularly the covent garden co. range). Studies have shown that soup is great for diets as it leaves you fuller for longer. It should help delay those protein cravings anyway. If you still feel like you need to snack or chew on something then you could always get some guilt-free granola bars.

    Obviously, there will be times when you might think ‘fuck it, I’ve done really well so I’ll allow myself a burger just this once’. After a few drinks it’s normal to crave something hot and salted (no pun intended). Every take-away in york will offer a vegetarian burger and you’d be surprised how tasty/satisfying they are. I used to have them instead of normal take-away options if I was hungry but didn’t want to feel too guilty about eating take away. You can also have a vegetable pizza if you’re really starving.

    The most important thing is your mind set. If you are really determined then you’ll definitely be able to do it. Good luck.

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