TM’s York Sport Presidential challenge
The Mixer is of the opinion that this year’s York Sport Presidential election was too nice. Watching Sam Asfahani and Rob Newton gaze adoringly at each other whilst competing to be the most complimentary was not nearly violent enough for TM’s tastes. Quite frankly, it was boring.
Selecting an individual strong and powerful enough to drive the machine that is York Sport should not be decided by something as weak and feeble as democracy. This is not Welfare – this is Bad Welfare.
Therefore, we propose that next year the candidates are bundled into the back of a blacked-out van at 2am and sped off to a mystery location to be left to fend for themselves in the wilderness, armed with nothing more than a tin of spam, a copy of The Yorkling and a Crunchie. The surviving candidate will be the one that doesn’t die, or the one who finds their way back to civilization.
During the ordeal, they will be forced to listen to the bible read by Alex Lacy on repeat until they crack and go running naked into the ether. They will subsist on whatever they can find and successfully catch – this will determine if the candidate is fit enough to actually be York Sport President. It gives a new definition to the fit and proper persons test.
On the fifth day, if they make it that far without transferring to Democracy and Services or applying for a job in their local Argos, there will start a series of challenges. The first will involve constructing a 3G pitch from materials they can gather in the forest and then using their powers of persuasion to recruit the local squirrel population to form teams for the sport of nut gathering, set to be ratified by York Sport in 2012. This will test their commitment to participation.
The next test will be learning Lacymatics. In the unlikely event that this task is passed, candidates will be transported to the National Rail call centre where they wll gain valuable experience in deflecting complaints and passing the buck to the nearest sacrificial lamb.
They will then receive intensive dance lessons to Europe’s ‘Final Countdown’ in preparation for their mandatory and humiliating participation in campus cringe-fest York Come Dancing.
A crash course in office politics follows to avoid the inevitable resentment of having to listen to your fellow Sabbs ramble on about nothing in particular in the YUSU committees you will be obliged to sit on every Wednesday when you should be playing sport/sending e-mails/contradicting yourself or trying to get us a swimming pool/solarium/running track/50,000-seater stadium.
Upon completing this section, they will receive instruction in some light typing, sending mass emails and wearing black and gold stash because, let’s be honest, this is all you actually do.
Asfahani’s American adoration
So what do we know about the new top dog in York Sport? Who is this new man who comes charging towards the 22 Acres with promise of an odd man-made grass? TM feels it is its duty to investigate.
Apparently he is involved with a sport named American Football. Seeing as, due to a nasty incident at customs, TM is banned from the USA, we have never encountered this strange pastime before. Apparently, it’s nothing like real football, instead more akin to Rugby League but with padding – our neighbours across the pond obviously not relishing the pain – and lots of stoppages, so those annoying adverts and embarassing performances from ageing rockstars can be included.
Sam, apparently not realising that no one likes the sport in this country, set up the club in York and the result has been a team that, despite containing one golden player, struggled to complete a single pass at Roses last year. So a bit like the hockey club then.
Oh well, we’ve also heard that Sam abandoned a top coaching job in America to take the York Sport position. TM predicts that it won’t be long before that decision starts to hurt more than any tackle ever could.
The great Roses exam swindle
I think we all know that our neighbours Lancaster aren’t blessed with an abundance of intelligence, but recent events have really perplexed TM.
After choosing the stage the tournament on a weekend right in the middle of our exam season, Lancaster have then begun to pull out of a number of events due to exams. Clever.
Some have suggested that Lancaster are chickening out of the events that they feel they have no chance of winning. TM doubts this, if it were true then we would soon be faced with a very small competition, perhaps one resembling the almost annual spanking-of-the-neighbours that is Varsity.
That said, the whole exam trick is a cheeky one and York can’t say that they haven’t pulled it before. TM suggests that we make it really difficult for Lancaster next year, perhaps staging it outside of their term time or, better still, not telling them the dates at all and playing the competition without them. No doubt the score would still be closer than last year. Maybe we should introduce debating, Scrabble (minimum five letters) and IQ tests.
Which Club President has recently been caught without their underwear/dignity/common sense/railcard on a trip to Ziggy’s/22 Acres/ Blackburn/church? None of them, because it never happened.
Which College Rugby player has been pestering The Mixer in Gallery/the street/our garden/Peru with threats of violence/ love/ chips/ litigation? TM is too scared to reveal.
Which campus newspaper has finally realised that sport occurs in between editions? Which other campus newspaper was there in the first place but is short of ideas for these f**king boxes?