Pick me up Scottie: TM at York Come Dancing
Our Emily took time out last weekend from her post at the York Sport Complaints Deflection Department to take part in annual cringe-fest York Come Dancing and TM, naturally, had front row seats.
A scan of the event programme and things didn’t bode well. Already installed by the YCD betting syndicate as most likely to land flat on her face, Scottie appeared to have been paired with a Draco Malfoy lookalike whose hair, like a Harry Potter spell, magically transformed from dark on the YSTV intro to slick blonde under the lights. They were also attempting the Paso Doble, billed as a tussle between bull and matador which ends frequently in murder. Apt, because it was murder to watch.
The only thing coming to a sticky end was Emily’s layers of fake tan, which glistened on a face of epic concentration. The steely features weren’t enough as kicks were missed, flesh was exposed and steps were wayward in the 90-second burst of Europe’s ‘The Final Countdown’ – frankly a terrible song to dance to. By the final, snail-slow lift, we couldn’t wait for it to end.
Not that the performance warranted Malfoy’s haughty comments afterwards. “I’m so proud of her,” he smirked. “She’s got through it, I know it was hard for her.” How patronising.
Sadly, scores of 5, 6, 6 and 7 left Scottie at the back of the judges’ minds and, in the absence of a miraculous RAG donation in her name from any passing millionaire, she was left to contemplate a sport that is maybe beyond her. Malfoy, meanwhile, has returned to another year at Hogwarts.
College mystery man revealed
Last edition, TM exclusively brought you the case of the college football mystery man with the promise that our finest minds were on the case and would soon reveal his identity.
It has emerged that he is Mickel Grabarczyk or “Polish Mike” as he is affectionally known by his (many) team mates. Apparently stealing food from Derwent but possessing “a decent bike and pretty snazzy football boots” (according to Wentworth’s Dan Horsfall) Mike has definitely captured the imagination of the college football community.
He has even commented on the Nouse website*, wishing “wonwort” college “good luck on the pitch(football), cause they need it and cause i play one game for them”. He finishes with the bold statement “bay the way this site is own me really good money for all this!!”. TM can’t help but agree.
*Note: The comments were probably not written by Mike.
Top of the League
Despite drawing with Vanbrugh in a mudbath last week, James are still the team to beat in this year’s College Rugby. The indignity of this result, the first time anyone has dared venture into James’ defensive third for several months, has raised hopes that ‘common’ colleges can actually beat them.
On the up
Vanbrugh had a difficult start to their campaign, but have since improved. Wins against Goodricke-Langwith-Wentworth (like the Lions but shit) and a stunning draw with James mean they are no longer THE league whipping boys, just one of the league’s whipping boys.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Derwent, once the high flyers of college rugby, found themsleves victims of a humiliating 40-0 defeat to arch rivals James. A college state of emergency was declared and captain Joe Rankin was banished to the land of far far away (Langwith).