Christmas by numbers

1st the rank of cosmetics and skin-care products on the top list of items most commonly shoplifted in 2007. Merry Christmas, Mummy!

4th where Father Christmas comes in the world ranking of famous people recognised by primary school children. Jesus comes sixth. The Queen is first, but she’s real.

2nd of November is when parents start noticing their children behaving better to impress Santa. Hopefully, they’ll never discover what the cheque stub to York Police station for £150 in your cheque book is for.

30 is the number that the name Holly came in the UK’s favourites list last year, down from 16th in 2003. My middle name is Holly. I’m trying not to be offended.

£50 is the average value of children’s stockings compared to £18 for our parents generation. I no longer get stockings. Spoilt brats.

70% of dogs get some sort of Christmas present from their owners. You can dress them up all you like; they’re not replacing your family this Christmas.

92nd is where the name Gabriel comes in this year’s most popular boy’s names. This is sensible; at least this way, you won’t need to buy another fairy to put on top of the tree.

1,663 numbers of years Father Christmas has been dead. According to Wikipedia. Sorry kids.

576,000 the number of copies of the X-Factor Hallelujah cover sold. It was much better in Shrek. Enough said.

750,000 British children write a letter to Father Christmas every year. They send it to: “Santa, Reindeerland, SAN TA1.” Wrong postcode, you cretins. Don’t you know he lives in the North Pole?

2.4 million times Santa will be over the legal driving limit if he consumes every glass of alcohol 54% of parents said they would leave for him.

Nil the liklihood of us having a white Christmas this year. I hope you enjoy mud. I don’t mean to dampen the festive spirit, but just call me Scrooge.

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