Nouse.co.uk » All sports clubs are created equal, some are just more equal than others

All sports clubs are created equal, some are just more equal than others

November 10, 2009
Sports

While the Caving and Pothole Club only have sufficient ropage to negotiate their way into the underground kingdom, and the skydiivng club are being forced to cut down on parachute provision, the Royal York University Squash Society are raking in the readies.
Due to a glitch in the York Sport accounting department, their budget has been trebled for the forthcoming year. Returning from Harrods clutching an invoice for 3,000 caviar-laced truffles and impossibly expensive French curvees, club President Lord Edward Hartwell Goose refused to answer TM’s questions, swotting us away with a solid gold racquet.

In order to assert their financial dominance, the club have booked all five of the Sport Centre courts until 2056, much to the chagrin of the local commoners.

After securing lucrative sponsorship deals with Bugatti, Krug, Prada and Rupert Murdoch, the club were approached by beleaguered Bank of England chief Mervyn King asking for a bailout.

Elsewhere, the similarly wealthy rugby club are planning a summer tour which takes in New Zealand, Tahiti, Bognor and the Moon.

Looking on from the Sports Hall at the Most Glorious Kingdom of Squash, the Volleyball club, playing in tattered rags with a ball of recycled Blu-Tack over a net constructed of chairs and a ladder remarked: “Can you spare any change?”

The football team are also facing a tough year following budget cuts. Without enough money to even afford someone to clean duck shit off their pitches, the club are apparently resting their hopes on an imminent takeover by a Russian oligarch. He’s currently going through the rigorous York Sport ‘fit and proper persons’ test.

TM will keep you updated.

Football’s duck shit dilemma

The Mixer has learnt that last week’s football firsts’ game was moved as the referee decided their pitch was not up to standard. This was due to a large amount of “geese droppings”covering the field – apparently a health and safety risk.

TM assumes the referee is new to York University, and therefore hasn’t seen the general state of our duck ridden campus. If he did, he would surely have to advocate cancelling of lectures, evacuation and – seeing as he objects to crap on a football pitch – banning Langwith from playing in the college league.

More concerning perhaps was the reluctance of the men’s team to move, causing a full blown argument on pitch with the referee.

Apparently undeterred by the prospect of playing in a field of shit, they stated that moving pitches would reduce the quality of the game.
TM wonders what advantages there are to playing amongst excrement. Will those slide tackles become just a little bit easier? The passing a little faster? Or were York hoping that it would distract their opposition, like some messy variant on the Liverpool beach ball incident? TM dreads to imagine.

College football mystery man

Freshers week, and in a fleeting hour of sobriety, a mysterious man decides it will be a novel idea to attend his college’s football trials. Sadly, after shanking several shots into adjacent fields in the style of the timeless John Smiths adverts, his attempts at Derwent football stardom fade to the backdrop of mocking laughter.

Undeterred, our intrepid hero swaps university cards with his perma-inebriated flatmate and heads for the Wentworth try-outs safe in the knowledge that they will always need someone without shame to play for them.

Unfortunately, after a few crunching Dan Horsfall tackles, our mystery man again finds himself unwanted and heads to the next college in search of ninety minutes.

After he was rumoured to have made an appearance at university trials, TM, armed with pipe and magnifying glass, has got on the case. Keep tuned for the next instalment of Sherlock Holmes and the case of ‘have boots, will play.’

Flying High

Derwent have scored nine goals in just two matches to storm to the top of the league. Dreamz Murphy has netted in both of their games, apparently unaware that you’re meant to leave university after you finish a degree.

Mid-table Mediocrity

The three 1-1 draws on Sunday must rate as some of the most uninspiring ever seen on the 22 Acres, almost as good as last weekend’s postponed fixtures. The teams seem to be stuck either on one or four points.

Going down

Langwith’s defence is leaking more than Rosamund Wood in front of a dictaphone. Nine goals conceded in two matches suggests the Yellow Submarine is sinking. Never mind guys, there’s still plenty of points up for grabs.