The College Cup: Your team-by-team guide
GOODRICKE
Formation: 4-4-1-1 with a roaming second striker in the ‘hole’.
Strengths: Dom O’Shea is the best player at this University and, especially on Astroturf, can take hold of a game by the scruff of the neck and shake the living daylights out of it. Scary.
Weaknesses: A very powerful but slightly sluggish back four with a
susceptibility to pace; and an overreliance on O’Shea for both creativity and goals.
Key Man: Adam Leadbeater is the heartbeat of the team, dictating play with Xavi-style distribution from his deep-lying position in the centre-midfield.
BNOC (Biggest Name on Campus): Remi “Remi” Remington is rumoured to have “never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…ever” missed a heavily inebriatedd Ziggy’s appearance in three years. Fact.
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Dave Coupland and his sumptuous locks.
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Classic Yorkie. Very little wrong
here: chunky from back to front and hard to break down; but, if anything, could use something a little more exotic in the middle.
Chances of winning: **** (out of 5)
DERWENT
Formation: A defensive 4-5-1 based around a strong target man.
Strengths: Pick any four from Amiry, Henney, Gardner, Worrall and Slater: impregnable. Derwent’s defensive unit is yet to concede going into today’s game against Vanbrugh.
Weaknesses: Relying heavily on the hold-up play of Dreamz Murphy, who claimed (albeit falsely) that “94% of goals so far have gone through me,” questions surround the latter-stage potential of the 451
Key Man: Chris Barnett has top-scored for Derwent and leads the team in Fantasy Points so far.
BNOC: “Dreamz” has become a household name since wowing audiences with his ear-soothing musical talents this year. Having hit the big time in spite of a terrible drinking problem, it seems dreams really can come truuue. www.myspace.com/clown
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Ben Smith – a cutey pie to die for.
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Twix. The bling of the shiny
(w)rapper disguises a solid biscuit base.
Chances of winning: *****
ALCUIN
Formation: 3-5-2 with wingbacks and Ed Murrills behind a front two.
Strengths: Defenders beware: this Alcuin team has goals in it. Attack has been the strong point so far and Alcuin will continue to rely on their dangerous midfield and strikers in the latter stages.
Weaknesses: Width. Despite playing the same formation, the team has failed to emulate the vaunted wing-back dominance that propelled Alcuin to a back-to-back league double last year.
Key Man: Barnstorming midfielder Ed Murrills has the running ability to undo even the best of defences.
BNOC: Jake Delaney. Big hair, big loss. You can’t miss the imposing Delaney around campus, but after he suffered a worrying cruciate ligament injury playing six-a-side, Alcuin will certainly miss his presence in midfield.
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Dan Hyde…and his piercing eyes.
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Empty Kinder Egg, lacking a delightful Delaney-surprise in the middle.
Chances of winning: ****
HALIFAX
Formation: 4-4-2 with flying wingers and target man.
Strengths: With Conor ‘Conorleeza Rice’ Brennan and the leading goalscorer in the history of College football, wide-headed jewellery magnate Dom Green, up front, Halifax certainly have goals in them.
Weaknesses: In the absence of Joe Brennan and McKellow, perhaps lacking a real superstar to intimidate opposition. If those two turn up in the quarter-finals, though, Goodricke, Derwent, and Alcuin will be quaking in their esteemed astroturf boots.
Key man: Conor ‘Conan the Barbarian’ Brennan has pace and pure finishing ability and has been on a goal-scoring tear bagging for the Firsts and Seconds in numerous games.
BNOC: Alex Richards – He is the ubermensch of campus. He labels himself an ‘HBNOC’ with H standing for ‘Humongously’. He has model Amy Browne on his arm and 984 friends on Facebook.
Tasha Tranter’s top torso: Dom Green – an angel on bed of gorgeousness.
If they were a chocolate bar, they would be: Revels. You never know what you’re going to get.
Chances of winning: ***
VANBRUGH
Formation: 4-4-2. Captain Tom Sheldrick employs a standard 4-4-2 suppling main goal-threat Mark Gouland.
Strengths: A very strong team unit built around the core of college stalwarts that won the league last term.
Weaknesses: They may not even make the quarter finals. After a poor start, a defeat to Derwent today would see to an early exit. Music-man Dreamz Murphy has started an early War of the Words, too: “They’re already out. Of course we’ll beat them”. Spicy.
Key Man: Matt Witherwick has underperformed so far, even outplayed even by the relatively unknown ‘Tank’ from Goodricke Seconds. If the University Firsts captain starts putting his veritable stamp on games, Vanbrugh could spring a surprise in Week 8.
BNOC: Chris Shultz – 1,155 Facebook friends and one of the friendliest faces on campus.
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Tristan Buckley. One stallion we’d love to tame.
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Flake. Seemingly solid at first, but very crumbly on closer examination.
Chances of winning: **
JAMES
Formation: 4-4-2 Standard.
Strengths: Impressive midfield axis of Marks – McLeod and Johnson – and class on the right flank in Matt Vermeulen.
Weaknesses: Towering pair of Smith and Loftus at the back lack a bit of pace. Lacking the finishing to challenge the top teams, but strikers Offord and Rolf aren’t half quick.
Key Man: Mark Johnson. He’s already snaffled a hattrick and is known to be pathalogically dependent on goals. A great Fantasy pick too.
BNOC: Mark McLeod. To impress the ladies on a Thursday Gallery night he unleashes that legendary “I played with ex-Reading goal-king Julian Joachim” line. With 532 friends on Facebook in just his first year, by the time he is 82, he will have 30,000.
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Rafael Gindre – a French delight for all to share.
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: A Dime bar. Very strong in the middle: they might look a little tasty, but try to bite them and you’ll break your teeth.
Chances of winning: ***
LANGWITH
Formation: 4-4-2.
Strengths: A smattering of quality defenders in Liam Condron and captain Bruce ‘Ringo’ Starkey.
Weaknesses: Disorganised. Struggle to get enough players together for games and can’t defend set pieces or long balls in general.
Quick Fantasy tip: Get rid of your Langwith players before they go out.
Key man: Luka Modric-a-like Jez ‘solo’ Hann has picked up two Man of the Match awards and – big bonus for a Langwith player – is able to control the ball with the inside AND outside of his foot.
BNOC: Since the hated ‘Langwith Shaun’ retired, BNOCs have been a collector’s item in Langwith. All 11 members of their team added together have only 127 friends on Facebook, just one tenth of Goodricke’s Remington.
Tasha Tranter’s Top Torso: Andy McCormick – Sweet and sensuous, yum!
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Poppets. Easily rattled in the box.
Chances of winning: *
WENTWORTH
Formation: 4-4-2. Set in their old fashioned ways.
Strengths: The wisdom of an excessive number of years in education and an ever-evolving range of skin-preservation products on the shelves of Boots offer a glimmer of hope for Wenty boys.
Weaknesses: Aged legs grow weary in the baking weather.
Key man: Striker Dave White has found the scoresheet with regularity. BNOC: Isolated from the rest of the throbbing virile heart of the York campus, Wentworth lack a certifiable BNOC. Chris Mulligan creeps into the MNOC (Medium Name on Campus) category as he has his own Facebook Appreciation Society. (The group’s actually for a Chris Mulligan at the University of Hull, but that’s honestly as good as it gets.)
If they were a chocolate bar they would be: Colonel Kitchener’s Chocco Spitfires. Out of date in 1953.
Tasha Tranter’s top torso: Luke Fleet- big triple decker goodness.
Chances of winning: *
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Not sure what triple decker goodness is, but with regards BNOC you clearly haven’t visited http://www.dancarr.co.uk