Seminar room. It is 10am. 15 minutes before a seminar, MARK and DAN wait for JOHN and JACK to arrive so the four of them can prepare for a presentation.
Dan: Why are they so late?
Mark: Not sure. John was out last night.
Dan: Was he really drunk?
Mark: Well, he’d had a pint.
Dan: So, yes. That means we won’t see him all day now. I could kill him sometimes.
Mark: I think he went to Ziggys.
Dan: Why on earth would he do that?
Mark: Dunno. Last I saw of him he was running down Micklegate, shouting ‘Yeah! Ziggys! I’m going to put it in someone’s brown.’
Mark: God knows.
Dan: Boy or girl?
Mark: God knows. I think he stayed at Jack’s. Have you called him?
Dan: Phone’s off.
Mark: Have you tried Jack?
Dan: Same. This really pisses me off. If they want to spoon then that’s fine, but do they have to do it when we should be working?
Mark: I think it’s quite sweet.
Dan: You would.
Mark: You’re just jealous
Dan: Oh, shush. John and Jack enter together.
John: Hey. Sorry. I feel like shit.
Dan: You look it.
Mark: Did you go to Ziggys?
John: Yeah. It smells like death. My mouth tastes like a hamster’s died in it.
Mark: Did you, uh, ‘put it in anyone’s brown?’ There is an uncomfortable pause.
Jack: He tried.
John: You wish.
Dan: I’ll have sex with you. I haven’t had sex for ages.
Mark: Me neither.
John: I’m not gay.
Jack: Hah! I mean, yeah.
John: I’m not.
There is another uncomfortable pause. Dan picks up the photocopied poem.
Dan: (Slightly too loudly) So. Canto 3. John and Jack, that’s you two. Let’s go line by line. Mark, you and I will do the next canto.
Mark: Where are we going from?
Jack: (Points at the text) Here. It’s my line.
Jack shuffles the paper and takes a breath.
Jack: I love you.
Mark: What the…! Woah.
They all stare at MARK.
Dan: No, that’s his line Mark. It’s in the poem
Jack: You just interrupted us.
Mark: Shit, right, sorry. I thought…
Dan: Go again.
Jack: Okay. ‘I Love you…”
John: ‘I love you too, but I’m going to have to mace you in the face’