Matthew Jeynes – Goes Way Back

I have decided, in my infinite time-travelling wisdom, to devote a regular part of this column to the adventures of the York University lake, henceforth known as Jeff. This week’s adventure comes from the May 6 edition in 1971, when Jeff had the misfortune of being sullied by the naked Lancaster AU secretary, who had been stripped naked and forcibly thrown into Jeff after York had regained the Carter-James trophy in a close Roses contest. Unfortunately, future editions of Nouse failed to cover the inevitable funeral, murder charges and jail sentences for the people who perpetrated this unspeakable crime. Shoddy journalism, that’s what I think.

The small ads section once again provides some comic relief, along with some light satire, “Abductors needed for Christian Aid week”. There was also an intriguing request by the Politics department for a “shapely, attractive girl, in need of a first”. I don’t really want to know about the shady deals that go on in the dark corners of the Politics office, but I can appreciate the innuendo at the end of the ad, that tells the applicant, ‘now is the time to assert your position’.

I also hope that the current resident of Langwith B125 will read this at some point, because your predecessor was the author of an ad looking for “anyone living in connubial bliss… females preferred, but anyone considered”. Just have a look around your room now B125, just think what depravities those walls will have witnessed.

The highlight of this particular paper is reached in a great feature page entitled ‘Déjà vu’. The standout article, in what seems to be a summary of the ridiculous in York, is the story, initially run in the York hospital group magazine, of an ex-porter who managed for some time to pose as a doctor. Even more incredibly, it appears that the porter had carried on his charade “to the extent of carrying out a number of surgical operations, apparently with success”. We can only hope our own porters are so qualified in a medical emergency.

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