Sashaying across campus with the understated elegance of those who have just enjoyed lunch at the luxurious destination of Vanbrugh, Miss C and Miss V felt both rejuvenated and in desperate need of a quick menthol Marlboro.
Sadly, almost instantaneously we were accosted by a screaming baby freshlette. Book bag in tow, our poor disarming protagonist fell to her knees in relief. Our newbie was without adequate protection for the heart numbing, nose running, freezing ecstasy of York, and so, through garbled squawking and stabs with her biro, our innocent first year made her request – winter accessories.
Hats: vessels to keep our brain cells alive, or our greasy, unwashed sex dreads covered. Flat caps, skull caps, Russian furs, berets, industrial plastic helmets (although he may actually have been a workman, who knows). The opportunities are limitless, yet one fashion faux pas ravages campus in a fashion similar to nits in a nursery: the beanie. A favourite of the discerning ‘rah’ when cleverly combined with a pair of sloppy Jack Wills tracksuit bottoms, or as part of the carefully posed ‘I’m just keeping warm’ look of the Topshop kids. Either way, tea cosies are meant for teapots. Secondly the baker-boy cap. Are you a baker? Do you keep croissants in your socks? Head ornaments are not meant to make one look like a dough salesman.
Next, the useful companion to the hat: Scarves. Generally worn either deceivingly messily or tied with the precision of an O.C.D. sufferer. Firstly, ‘the pash’, normally fuchsia pink or royal blue, these little monstrosities have pranced around campus for years, but what troubles us is the size of the bloody things, and their apparent permanent attachment to a string of pearls. Meanwhile, on the subject of skinny stripy scarves, no one suddenly thinks you went to public school, so give it up.
If time would allow it, a tirade on fingerless gloves would follow, but sadly our column space is drawing to a close (they don’t make you look artistic, and frost bite starts at the tips of your fingers – apologies, couldn’t help ourselves).
However, what is left for us to say is this: When it comes to York, the rule of less is more must be cast aside like last years Gucci clutch. When it’s this cold, you may as well just wear a thermal ski suit and be done with it…